best limmericks (may be offensive)

[grisham]

I was reading the thread on camp songs and it got me thinking. What are some good limmericks out there. My favorite is:
there once was a man from bandoo
who fell asleep in a canoe
he dreamt of venus and played with his penis
and woke up covered in goo

[schplebordnik]

Well, there is always the most filthy one (and the one that everyone jokingly only recites the first line of):

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose **** was so long he could **** it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a **** I could **** it.

[Oy!]

I have two favorites by other people, and a couple of favorites that I wrote.

The first I've seen attributed to Woodrow Wilson, but I have no idea if that's actually valid:

I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was all that I'd feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me!

Then one by the ever popular Anonymous:

There was a young lady from Wight
Whose speed was much greater than light.
She went out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.


My own two:

Science:

Archimedes was really quite clever.
(He's the fellow who thought up the lever.)
Because he did math
While immersed in the bath
We'll remember "Eureka!" forever.

Escort Service:

Dear sir, don't make yourself queasy.
We assure you the lady's not sleezy.
She'll wow all your friends
And when the night ends,
You'll find she's not cheap, but she's easy!


EddyTeddyFreddy is the mistress of limericks on this board. She needs to get her rear in here!

[Lamar Mundane]

Sort of a hijack...

The best I have seen recently was about the mispronounciation of "Hors' Dourves".

The last line ended with the word "manouver". I can't find it anywhere.

Little help?

[LurkMeister]

One of my favorites (or at least the cleverest) was one of Isaac Asimov's:

A woman from North Carolina
Stretched fiddle strings 'cross her vagina
And with proper size cocks
What was sex became Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

[bienville]

Names have been fictionalized to protect the innocent:



There once was a Doper named Russ
Who would always stir up a big fuss
He could have played nice but instead
He kept starting a Thread
Called: “All Your Base Are Belong To Us.”

[bienville]

Originally Posted by bienville

Names have been fictionalized to protect the innocent:

There once was a Doper named Russ

Ooops!

I just thought I ought to run a search and it turns out there really is a Doper named Russ. I swear my Limerick has NOTHING to do with the real Russ. I'm sorry if the real Russ was offended.

Perhaps the Mods can intervene and change it to Gus or something. (jeez, I hope there isn't a real Gus too!)

[Oy!]

Originally Posted by LurkMeister

One of my favorites (or at least the cleverest) was one of Isaac Asimov's:

A woman from North Carolina
Stretched fiddle strings 'cross her vagina
And with proper size cocks
What was sex became Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

This is brilliant!

I wish I'd written it.

[sinjin]

From college:

There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who tried ******* his wife on the stair
The banister broke
But oh what a bloke
He finished the job in mid-air!!

and

There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a ******* machine
Concave or convex
It would take either sex
But, oh what a bastard to clean!!

Why is it alway men

Then there was the caveman named Dave.........

[grisham]

Lukmeister...brilliant. Pictsiepat ....brilliant. If nothing else would get posted on here I am glad I started this thread just to hear those.

[LurkMeister]

I don't know if they're still in print, but Isaac Asimov had a series of books, among them Lecherous Limericks, More Lecherous Limericks and Limericks: Too Gross (the last being, of course, a collection of 288 limericks), which are worth looking for if you're a limerick fan. IIRC many of the limericks included were written by Dr. A, but there is some discussion of the limerick as an art form. The one I quoted was from memory; I wish I could remember more of them, and unfortunately my copies are in storage at the moment.

[Shade]

I like meta-limericks. For instance

There once was a boy from Dundee
Whose Limericks stopped at line three.
And couldn't be finished.

and

There once was a girl from Peru
Whose Limericks stopped at line two.

and

I once knew a man from Verdun.

There was another one about the Emporer Nero, but I can't remember any of it.

Another favorite is

A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain
The cause of his sorrow
Was paradichloro
Diphenyltrichloroethane.

[Jayn_Newell]

One of the few I can actually remember off the top of my head:

There once was a lady that
Had three babies, Nat Pat and Tat
If was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
For you see, there was no tit for Tat

Speaking of meta-lymericks, I also heard one once about a man who was bad at writing limericks, and the last line was "I always try to fit as many words to a line as I can"

[LurkMeister]

There was a young man from Japan
Whose verses would never quite scan
When told this was so
He replied, yes I know
But I always try to fit as many words in the last line as I possibly can.

[Rayne Man]

This one gets you mind going in the wrong direction :-

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think---
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

[Rayne Man]

This is for all the Dopers on this thread :-

The limerick's callous and crude,
It's morals distressingly lewd.
It's not worth the reading
By persons of breeding;
It's designed for us vulgar and rude!

[Katisha]

I'm rather fond of this one:

There once was a young man of Ghent,
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

Perhaps the best part is that I found it at this site.

[peasea]

Originally Posted by grisham

There once was a man from bandoo
who fell asleep in a canoe
he dreamt of venus and played with his penis
and woke up covered in goo

There was a Bohemian monk
Who went to bed in a bunk
He dreamt that Venus was stroking his penis
And woke up all covered in spunk.

[peasea]

There was a young physicist named Fisk
Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk
So fast was his action
The Lorentz contraction
Diminished his dong to a disk

[fighting ignorant]

Originally Posted by peasea

There was a young physicist named Fisk
Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk
So fast was his action
The Lorentz contraction
Diminished his dong to a disk

Careful there, you're treading on ground covered by Cecil himself :

Originally Posted by Cecil

There once was a racer named Fisk
Who took a considerable risk
When his dragster got traction
The Fitzgerald contraction
Reduced his wazoo to a disc

[TheLoadedDog]

There was a young man from The Cape
Who fucked a barbary ape.
The ape said, "You fool!
You've twisted your tool
And bent my arsehole out of shape."

A girl who weighs many an oz.
Used language I will not pronoz.
For a fellow unkind,
Pulled her chair out behind,
He wanted to see if she'd boz.

[Oy!]

A general, Caesar by name,
Cried "Wrong are those words held in fame!
"A nice Celtic lass
"Had such a fine ass
"That I conquered, I saw, then I came!"



First one I ever wrote.

[Ferris]

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Whose manners... well, she had forgotten 'em
At tea at the vicar's
She whipped off her knickers
Exclaiming she felt far too hot in 'em.

[emekthian]

There was a young cyborg named Ace
who wooed women at every base
but once ladies glanced at
his special enhancement
they vanished with nary a trace
-Spartan Barracks graffiti

That's from the animation when you get one of the secret projects in Alpha Centauri. However, I can't remember which one. Anyone know?

[peasea]

Originally Posted by fighting ignorant

Careful there, you're treading on ground covered by Cecil himself :

What? I'm not claiming it's my own. I got it from a collection of math and science jokes called Absolute Zero Infinity, which I highly recommend.

[peasea]

Make that Absolute Zero Gravity, which makes a bit more sense.

[danceswithcats]

There once was a fellow named Skinner,
whose wife had a TV set in her.
It was stuck in her crotch,
so he'd nibble and watch,
thus inventing the first TV dinner.

A pretty young woman from Wheeling,
claimed that she had no sexual feeling.
Then a sailor named Boris
sucked on her clitoris
before peeling her off of the ceiling.

A lovely young lass from Decatur,
had sex with a huge alligator.
But nobody knew
the result of that screw,
'cuz after he laid her, he ate her.

A crazy old rascal from Wheeling,
was drunk to the point he was reeling.
When he read on the door,
'Please don't spit on the floor',
He leapt up and spat on the ceiling.

[rowrrbazzle]

There was a young girl of Vancouver,
Who, when told it was not 'horses doover,'
Found she hadn't the nerve
To ask for hors d'oeuvres,
So had soup as a saving manoeuvre.

I saved the limerick, but not the name of the original poster, sorry.

I remember the one about the Emperor Nero. It's a lot like one about the man from Nepal and it goes like this:

[TheLoadedDog]

There once was a girl from Ryde
Who ate a green apple and died
The apple fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her insides

There was a young man from Perth
The nastiest bastard on Earth
When his wife was confined
He pulled down the blind
And devoured the whole afterbirth

[OtakuLoki]

A decrepit old gas man, named Peter,
While hunting around for the meter,
struck a leak with his light,
and arose out of sight,
and as you can tell by reading this he also quite destroyed the meter.

[Tentacle Monster]

There once was a fellow named Lee
Who was stung in the groin by a bee
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Whenever attempting to pee.

I didn't write that, but I managed to pass that off to my Creative Writing teacher in high school.

Hey, she liked me for some reason.

[Czarcasm]

Moving this to Cafe Society.

[zoogirl]

Ah the wonderful world of the Dope
Without it , how else could I cope?
If I couldn't come play
I'd just fade away
And sit in a corner and mope!

[moriah]

There were three young ladies of Birmingham
And here is the scandal concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the bishop engaged in Confirming 'em.

Now the bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a good public school,
He lowered their britches
And buggered those bitches
With his ten inch episcopal tool.

Then up spoke a lady from the pew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
"The vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you."

[Johnny Q]

Here's one I've seen attributed to Tennyson:

There once was a woman from Sydney
Who liked it right up to her kidney
A man from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn't he?


And from elsewhere...

From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
Came a shriek that echoed for miles
The abbot said Gracious
It's Brother Ignatius
He's forgotten the bishop has piles

[PookahMacPhellimey]

This one doesn't scan perfectly but what the hell.

A horny young man from Macroom,
Invited two lesbians up to his room,
And they argued all night,
About who had the right,
To do this that and the other, and to whom.

[ddgryphon]

I've always liked:

There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were made out of brass
He'd bang them together
Amid stormy weather
And lighting shot out of his ass.


Plus there's one I can never seemed to remeber involving a bi-sexual with the punch line something like

And who did what and with whom

Perhaps someone out there can help?

[PookahMacPhellimey]

Originally Posted by ddgryphon

Plus there's one I can never seemed to remeber involving a bi-sexual with the punch line something like

And who did what and with whom

Perhaps someone out there can help?

Seems to be the one I posted. I think it works better with bi-sexuals now you mention it, although this is the way I heard it.

[Oy!]

Originally Posted by PookahMacPhellimey

Seems to be the one I posted. I think it works better with bi-sexuals now you mention it, although this is the way I heard it.

It's this:

About who had the right,
To do what, and with what, and to whom.

[Nathan S]

Here's one of my favorites:

There once was a plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea
Said the maid "cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "it's me".

[PookahMacPhellimey]

Originally Posted by AvhHines

It's this:

About who had the right,
To do what, and with what, and to whom.

That's good too. But around here it "is" the way I wrote it.

[HDS]

Here's one I think jjimm posted:

At breakfast one day in Calcutta,
Sat a man with a terrible stutter,
He said, "pass the h-ham,
And the j-j-j-jam,
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butter!"

[williamweigand]

Here are a couple I heard from John Valby , aka Dr. Dirty --

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his Madam
So great was his mirth
For on all of the Earth
There were only two balls - and he had 'em!

There once was a milkman named Schwartz
Whose dick was all covered with warts
But the girls would all play
With his dick , anyway
'Cause good old Schwartz came in quarts!

[plnnr]

There was a young woman named Alice
Who used a stick of dynamite for a phallus.
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas.

[athelas]

There was a young man from Tralee
Who was horribly stung by a wasp
When the asked "does it buzz?"
He said, "Yes, it hurts
It's a horrible brute of a hornet"

(PS: look at my sig)

[athelas]

Gaah! Look at it now, I mean

[Cat Fight]

Originally Posted by schplebordnik

Well, there is always the most filthy one (and the one that everyone jokingly only recites the first line of):

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose **** was so long he could **** it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a **** I could **** it.

Am I the only person who didn't know that this limerick actually existed? I always thought the whole joke was not an actual limerick but whatever dirty words a person's mind couldn't help but rhyme with 'Nantucket' when someone spoke the first (and only) line. I learn something new every day...

[grimpixie]

Originally Posted by athelas

There was a young man from Tralee
Who was horribly stung by a wasp
When the asked "does it buzz?"
He said, "Yes, it hurts
It's a horrible brute of a hornet"

Heard one very similar, but has the added advantage of not scanning in the final line!!!

There once was a man from Capri
Who was horribly stung by a wasp
When asked "Does it hurt?"
He replied "No it doesn't,
but I am really terribly glad that is wasn't a hornet.

Also, from a previous SDMB thread (link omitted to save the hampsters):

((12+144+20 +(3*\/4))/7 + (5*11) = 9^2 + 0

IOW:
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
All over seven,
Add five times eleven,
Equals nine to the two plus f*ck all

Grim

[grimpixie]

Originally Posted by grimpixie

but I am really terribly glad that is wasn't a hornet.

...should of course read "but I am really terribly glad that it wasn't a hornet."

There were a couple of other mathematical limericks that I copied into Word, but have not the skills to render properly here - email me if you'd like a copy...

Grim

[AskNott]

From a long-ago Playboy:

There was a young lady from Norway,
Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
She called to her beau,
Come over here, Moe!
I think I've discovered one more way!