A toff lives next door to me

[Capt. Ridley's Shooting Party]

Well, not exactly. He just keeps spending the night at the girl who lives next door to me. He's a complete arse.

Everytime he's on the phone he talks loud enough that it sounds like he's stood in my room having his conversation. He woke me up at 8 o'clock this morning having a fucking conversation on his phone (it's a university holiday, I wanted a lie in). He's woke me up even earlier than that a few times since Christmas. Everytime he leaves her room he slams the door, then stands right outside my room talking. It's as though he has no method for communicating which isn't at a 100dB noise level.

I'm not talking about just some posh fool either, I'm talking about a completely bona fide toff, the type that would literally go out fox hunting with daddy and co. The type that stop to talk in the most inconvenient place possible, completely oblivious to everyone around them and the chaos that they are causing. The guy is permanently dressed like Prince William, and, from what I can gather, is some sort of entrepeneur, hence the phone calls. If anyone has seen the annoying idiots on "Young, Posh and Loaded" on UK TV, then they have some idea of the kind of character that he is.

His accent is starting to grate inside my brain. I've become accutely aware of every nuance he has. Even his name, "Ted", manages to piss me off, never mind the "Larry" who he was speaking to this morning.

To top it off, when I finally got up to go for a shower, I nearly broke my neck on a huge pile of stuff which they'd piled up between our two doors.

ARGH!

[RTA]

Throw his tea in the harbor.

[Capt. Ridley's Shooting Party]

:d

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Originally Posted by +MDI

Well, not exactly. He just keeps spending the night at the girl who lives next door to me. He's a complete arse.

Ah!

A Toff Boffs next door to you!

What Doctor Seuss could do with this, if he wrote porno.

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

Originally Posted by +MDI

His accent is starting to grate inside my brain. I've become accutely aware of every nuance he has. Even his name, "Ted", manages to piss me off, never mind the "Larry" who he was speaking to this morning.

ARGH!

Well, at least it's not Bertie Wooster talking to Gussie, Barmy, Tuppy, or Bingo.

Would you mind telling us more about the accent? Is it an ultra-upper peerage/Royal Family type accent, or is it something else and he's trying super hard to seem aristocratic?

[Rico]

Originally Posted by Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor

Ah!

A Toff Boffs next door to you!

Just think, if he was a smoker, you could have:

A Toff who Boffs and Coughs next door to you.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by Rico

Just think, if he was a smoker, you could have:

A Toff who Boffs and Coughs next door to you.

Does he drink? Does he quaff?

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

And more important, does he scoff?

[AngelicGemma]

I feel your pain with the phone thing. One of my housemates only uses the phone outside my room when I'm asleep. Of course, she wakes me up. The annoying thing is there are phones in other rooms but she insists on using the one outside my room.

[neuroman]

Ok, if you have a portable phone or a mobile phone, here's what you do.

Next time he is talking outside your door, grab your phone and walk outdoors. Now I know you don't want to get out of bed that early, but summon up the willpower. It will be worth it.

Pretend to be in the middle of a conversation with, oh, let's say your doctor.

MDI: What's that? You're telling me I've got genital lice? THAT FUCKING BITCH GAVE ME AN STD, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?
MDI's Dr. : ...
MDI: Uh huh.
Dr.: ...
Uh huh. Yeah. Wait, how much is treatment going to cost? WHAT? GODDAMMIT, THAT WHORE!

Speak in a loud an agitated manner. If PoshBoi doesn't get the message and go back inside, finish your "conversation" with the doctor, then call up that skanky ho and give her an even louder earful. Repeat this procedure as necessary with other fictitious obnoxious conversations until Mr. Fox Hunter Jr. catches on.

[Francesca]

Let me guess: you're at St Andrew's?

[gazpacho]

Rent and play loudly the Monty Python episode with the upper class twit of the year sketch.

[Clothahump]

Originally Posted by neuroman

Ok, if you have a portable phone or a mobile phone, here's what you do.

Next time he is talking outside your door, grab your phone and walk outdoors. Now I know you don't want to get out of bed that early, but summon up the willpower. It will be worth it.

Pretend to be in the middle of a conversation with, oh, let's say your doctor.

MDI: What's that? You're telling me I've got genital lice? THAT FUCKING BITCH GAVE ME AN STD, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?
MDI's Dr. : ...
MDI: Uh huh.
Dr.: ...
Uh huh. Yeah. Wait, how much is treatment going to cost? WHAT? GODDAMMIT, THAT WHORE!

Speak in a loud an agitated manner. If PoshBoi doesn't get the message and go back inside, finish your "conversation" with the doctor, then call up that skanky ho and give her an even louder earful. Repeat this procedure as necessary with other fictitious obnoxious conversations until Mr. Fox Hunter Jr. catches on.

And name the girl that the toff boffs as the skanky ho that gave you crabs. He'll scoff and cough, and hopefully run off....

[Ponder Stibbons]

Originally Posted by Clothahump

And name the girl that the toff boffs as the skanky ho that gave you crabs. He'll scoff and cough, and hopefully run off....

Genius! To you my hat I do doff.

[Capt. Ridley's Shooting Party]

Originally Posted by Francesca

Let me guess: you're at St Andrew's?

Close. Edinburgh. It has the largest percentage of "yahs" in the whole of Scotland, 40% of the university population is made up of them.

Ok, if you have a portable phone or a mobile phone, here's what you do.

Next time he is talking outside your door, grab your phone and walk outdoors. Now I know you don't want to get out of bed that early, but summon up the willpower. It will be worth it.

Pretend to be in the middle of a conversation with, oh, let's say your doctor.

MDI: What's that? You're telling me I've got genital lice? THAT FUCKING BITCH GAVE ME AN STD, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?
MDI's Dr. : ...
MDI: Uh huh.
Dr.: ...
Uh huh. Yeah. Wait, how much is treatment going to cost? WHAT? GODDAMMIT, THAT WHORE!

Speak in a loud an agitated manner. If PoshBoi doesn't get the message and go back inside, finish your "conversation" with the doctor, then call up that skanky ho and give her an even louder earful. Repeat this procedure as necessary with other fictitious obnoxious conversations until Mr. Fox Hunter Jr. catches on.

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll ..er.. consider using it :-P

[Celyn]

[quote=+MDI]......... 40% of the university population is made up of them.
[quote][/b]

40%? Allow me to scoff: I'm sure St. Andrews had more than that. Of course, it might be hard to get a real figure, as they tend to be noisy and noticeable creatures.

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

40% "yahs"? What on earth?


C'mon, let us Merkins in on this.

[Francesca]

Originally Posted by Spectre of Pithecanthropus

40% "yahs"? What on earth?


C'mon, let us Merkins in on this.

"Yahs" are people who say "yah" instead of "yeah". Otherwise known as very posh people.

[Tikki]

Make copies of hearing aid ads and tape them to her door when he's over. If he doesn't get the hint, tape two, then three, then four ads.

Just a (devious little) thought.

[Bryan Ekers]

A toff, is he? And I have as lief that next to 'im lives a ponce! And next to 'im is a sot! And next to 'im is a wanker! And next to 'im is a...uh....a bounder! And next to 'im is a... uhmmmmm... some Hindu fellow!

And so forth.

[Dragonblink]

Well cripes, I say yah. Of course, I also say yeh, yee, yuh, ayuh, yeah, yuh-huh, and (when I'm not thinking about it) ouais.

Does that make me posh, or just someone who talks funny?

[ccwaterback]

Download one of these and blast it out your door when he's doing his thing:

http://www.dws.org/sousa/mp2/fairosb.mp2

http://www.dws.org/sousa/mp2/freelosb.mp2

http://www.dws.org/sousa/mp2/sabreosb.mp2

[Capt. Ridley's Shooting Party]

Originally Posted by Dragonblink

Well cripes, I say yah. Of course, I also say yeh, yee, yuh, ayuh, yeah, yuh-huh, and (when I'm not thinking about it) ouais.

Does that make me posh, or just someone who talks funny?

No, they're called yahs as its the easiest way to categorise them. Other defining features are:

Males dress like Prince William (shirt under Ralph Lauren jumper). Females permanently wear scarves. It was hot enough here on Sunday for me to get horribly sunburnt, yet there were still people wearing scarves

Completely oblivious to the people around them. As is evidenced by the guy who answers phone in a voice that can be heard in Barcelona.

Pays for even the smallest item with [daddys] credit card.

Most annoying accent ever. This takes the sterotypical English accent to the extreme, and then some.

Completely oblivious to how annoying their constant rabbitting on about England is. I'm not Scottish myself, but I'm aware that there's a rivalry between Scotland and England, and the constant put downs by Englush yahs on the quality of Scottish football and rugby compared to their English counterparts starts to grate even to my ears.

See anyone who is not from Middle England / north of Watford as inferior.

I could go on, but you get the picture. Needless to say, "yahs" aren't very popular.

[Steve Wright]

You in Pollock Halls, by any chance?

(Ah. Fond memories. Mostly involving too much drinking, too many romantic disappointments, and being kicked up the bum by drunken agrics, but fond memories nonetheless.)

[Capt. Ridley's Shooting Party]

Yeah

[elmwood]

Question from a United Statesian: are toffs the same thing as yahs?

Can I sound more authentic by calling them "bloody toffs?"

Do Australians call them "toffies?"

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

Originally Posted by +MDI

.

Most annoying accent ever. This takes the sterotypical English accent to the extreme, and then some.

.

That's just what I'm confused about. I know everyone over there doesn't talk the same way, so I don't know what you mean by 'typical English accent'. Should I be imagining the way Prince William talks, as well as the way he dresses?
Or should I be thinking of BBC announcers? Wallace and Gromit (probably not, that last one, I know).

[kabbes]

Having spent three years in one of the toffiest colleges of Cambridge, I think that you should count yourself lucky. Once you've been accosted in a bar by a six-foot-seven double-barrelled rowing and quaffing shed demanding, "Do you know who I am?"... well... overheard mobile phone conversations will seem very underwhelming indeed.

pan

[Tansu]

You went to Magdalene, kabbes, you brought it on yourself.

(six seven boatie? Not Seb Dogs Bollocks?)

[Capt. Ridley's Shooting Party]

Question from a United Statesian: are toffs the same thing as yahs?

Toffs are a subset of yahs. Yahs are basically middle class. I suppose the American equivalent of a yah would be the characters portrayed in things like "Clueless". Toffs are usually upper middle class / upper classes, and make sure eveyone knows it.

[carrot]

Originally Posted by kabbes

Once you've been accosted in a bar by a six-foot-seven double-barrelled rowing and quaffing shed demanding, "Do you know who I am?"

"Lost your ID, have you?"

"Can't remember where you live?"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake the rest."

[kabbes]

Originally Posted by Tansu

You went to Magdalene, kabbes, you brought it on yourself.

(six seven boatie? Not Seb Dogs Bollocks?)

My god! Yes! Fuck me, but he was annoying.

(Hence the word "shed", incidentally. "Seb" = "Shed". Ho ho.)

[kabbes]

Originally Posted by carrot

"Lost your ID, have you?"

"Can't remember where you live?"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake the rest."

As I remember, my nails Glaswegian friend said something along the lines of, "Yeah, but you better pray that I don't know where you live."

[Futile Gesture]

Originally Posted by Francesca

"Yahs" are people who say "yah" instead of "yeah". Otherwise known as very posh people.

No, they say "Yah" instead of "Yes". That makes it all the more irritating. Combine that with AQ intonation for maximum effect, yah?

Anyway, I don't know what +MDI is complaining about. Your toff is obviously a very important person having very important phone calls, so it's very important that as many people know this. Now hush your mouth, you pleb, yah?.

[World Eater]

He sounds like a pig, so I bet he eats out of a trough.

I've had similar problems, the 'ol death threat worked for me. Perhaps not the smartest thing, but just saying.

[Magickly Delicious]

Originally Posted by +MDI

...The guy is permanently dressed like Prince William...

This made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Why? Because the last photo I saw of Prince William was this one.

My sympathies.