UPS has nothing but a bunch of masturbating monkeys working for them. They might want to check into that.
Last Friday, I had a very important package overnighted to me, from DC to my home in Detroit. Unfortunately, I was not at home to sign for it when the guy came by at 9:30 am on Saturday.
I knew I would be back at work in Chicago on Monday when the guy returned, so I called customer service to give an alternate address to have it delivered to. The masturbating monkey I talked to said it would be in my hands on Wednesday (since any time an alternate address is requested, they only do ground delivery, no air delivery). Fine.
Wednesday comes. No package.
Thursday morning comes and goes. No package.
So I call back customer service to find out what the hell is going on. Now this masturbating monkey tells me that they had the alternate Chicago address on file, however, for some reason, the driver made two more attempts to deliver it to my Detroit address. And it was now being held-- “per customer request”-- for pick-up at their Detroit office.
I asked, “Why would I want it delivered to my Detroit address when I gave an alternate address one hour after the driver made his first unsuccessful attempt last Saturday? And when does it show that I ever made a request to pick the package up from their office?”
She said, “Apparently, something got messed up. I’ll instant message the office in question and find out what happened.”
I asked for their direct number, but apparently they don’t have the direct numbers for the satellite offices. :rolleyes: She said someone from that office would call me back within the hour.
Hour goes by; no call.
I call customer service back, and ask what’s going on? They send out another IM.
I get a call back from some guy at an Illinois UPS office, saying he had been IM’d twice, but that he didn’t have my package.
No shit. He gives me the number to call in Detroit, turns out to be a fax number.
I call back customer service and tell this masturbating monkey what the last MM had done. So she sends an IM to Detroit.
I get a call from the Detroit office 20 minutes later. This MM tells me “Oops, someone messed up. We can get this to you by Monday or Tuesday.”
I say, “Not good enough. Why wasn’t this here by Wednesday like I was told?”
He said, “I don’t have an answer to that.”
I say, “WHo does?”
He says, “No one.”
“No one?” I says.
“Nope.”
“Who can fix this problem?” says I.
“Well, we can get it on the ground right now and have it to you in 2-3 business days,” this fucking masturbating monkey tells me.
“Not good enough,” I said. “I want this in my hands tomorrow.”
“We can’t do that…” blah blah blah. This goes back and forth for a while.
Finally I say, “You guys screwed up this delivery. It might not mean much to you-- just another package-- but this was critically important to me and my job. You guys got it from DC to Detroit in less than 12 hours last week. I am now giving you 24 hours to get it to me in Chicago. I don’t care if you yourself have to get in your car right now to hand deliver it to me, this package will be in my hand tomorrow. It’s a one hour trip by plane or a 5-1/2 hour trip by car. Take your pick.”
“That’s not going to happen, sir. You can pay the extra cost to have it air-shipped overnight.”
“Let me get this straight,” I said. “You fucked up-- you admit this-- and now the only way to rectify this situation is to charge me to have delivered tomorrow what should have been delivered yesterday?”
“Yes.”
“You’re fucking nuts. Here’s what’s going to happen: I’m going to take the day off work tomorrow, drive 12 hours round-trip, and pick this GD package myself.”
“Whatever you want.”
I had no intention of actually doing this. So I get off the phone, and call customer service and ask for a supervisor. Long story made a little less long, the supervisor called the Detroit MM and made him promise me it would be in my hand on Saturday morning.
Fine.
So I get a call this morning from a new masturbating monkey in Detroit telling me the package was in her hand, she asked me what I wanted her to do with it, and the soonest they could get this to me is 2-3 business days.
You. Slimy. Fucking. Wad. Of. Pig. Santorum.
“Give me corporate’s number,” says I.
I call corporate and explain the situation-- at this point not so much anger in my voice, but rather desperate frustration-- I really needed this package. SHe said she would get to the bottom of this and see what she could do.
“Just make this Detroit office eat the overnight charge and air-ship it to me. Please! Do you not see that they are the ones at fault here?”
“Yes. I will definitely see what I can do. I’m so terribly sorry this happened.”
Haven’t heard back from them yet. But as I typed this I got a call from the office saying a package arrived for me via UPS.
I’m not holding my breath.
Happy, not so much right now
