Funniest Newspaper Headline

[Buddy Holly]

I'm not sure if he still does, but Jay Leno used to have a section called "Headlines" on the Tonight Show where readers sent in amusing/comical but true headlines from local papers. I thought it might be interesting to see what you folks could come up with in this realm of reasoning. My personal favorite from our local paper is an article headlined "Surgeons see guns as major health threat." Oh, really? Funny, I'd always thought they were a cure for migraines, thanks for clearing that up.
Your favorites?
And, yeah, this thread is a blantent ripoff of that "Funniest product warning" one, which I found quite amusing. Thanks!

[divemaster]

I clipped this one:

YOUTH, FARM ANIMALS HIGHLIGHT WEEKEND RETREAT

You can go all sorts of places with that one.

[TheNerd]

I clipped one a few years ago, but it was partly visual.

There was a picture of a firefighter in full protection gear standing in the middle of the ruins of a house, hosing down the remaining coals. It looked like there had been a gas explosion or something.

Right below that was a headline for a different story: "Population Explosion in Waller County"

[Eve]

Jay Leno, my patootie. He stole the idea from The Columbia Journalism Review, which, on their back page, has been running these howlers for decades. They have two books of them out—RED TAPE HOLDS UP BRIDGE and SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM—which y'all should rush to find (they're out of print).

I save them, too; a few I can recall are—

HOW TO LICK DOBERMAN'S LEG SORES
FIVE ON WAY TO CRUISE AMONG PLANE CRASH VICTIMS
LOT OF WOMEN FINE, STUDY SAYS
WOMAN BETTER AFTER BEING THROWN FROM BRIDGE
TEEN SEX PROBLEM IS MOUNTING

[Biggirl]

When the MicroSoft anti-trust verdict came in the New York Daily News ran this headline:
You Got Nailed!

[as_u_wish]

I hesitate to submit this one, given the Wisconsin bashing that's occurred lately, but it is really priceless.

The Wisconsin Governor has extensive line-item veto authority. After one particularly creative veto session by Governor Thompson, a state newspaper headline read:

Thompson's Pen is a Sword

(un)fortunately, the space between "pen" and "is" was very small....

We all had it posted a work for the longest time.

[Lord Derfel]

The National Post ran a story a few months ago titled: Two tiny moons discovered near Uranus.

[ruadh]

This was from 1995 or so, I can't remember the name of the paper, but it ran a story about terrorism in the Middle East with the headline:

SUICIDE BOMBER RENEWS ATTACKS

[cmkeller]

I saw this one on Jay Leno, and it sticks with me:

Bush Briefed on Drought Situation, Says Rain Needed to End It

BTW, that's Bush the elder it referred to. That's how long he's been doing that shtick (although back then he was the designated guest-host for Johnny Carson, not the actual host).

[Procrutes]

I can't remember the exact wording, but it was an Army General being investigated for something...

"Ft Rucker General Probed"

[Drew Blade]

I have a couple that come to mind.

"Ancient Tongue Found Alive in Syria" had to do with people speaking a nearly extinct language.

The second one has to do with the Ball brothers (of Muncie Indiana) and a painted portrait in a gallery: "Lincoln Hung by Balls."

[wolfman]

Back in high school one week our girls basketball team had a bunch of injuries, and the boys Team won a quadruple over-time game. Thanks to a smartass senior newspaper editor and a distracted faculty advisor the side-by-side headlines were

Central Girls all Knocked Up Boys Show Good stamina in
lengthy affair.

[Kipper]

Way back in the Eighties our local paper ran the head line "Russia Invades Afganistan" beside another story with a large picture but a small headline. The picture was of a group, including myself, dressed as 19th C millitary costume as part of a historical renactment.

I have been led to belive that someone lost their job over that one.

[MysterEcks]

as_u_wish said:

Thompson's Pen is a Sword

(un)fortunately, the space between "pen" and "is" was very small....

There was a similar headline in Pennsylvania back in the '80s. Dick Thornburg had signed a lot of legislation, and a newspaper wanted to indicate that his pen had been busy. What they ended up printing, however, was:

Governor's Penis Busy

Which makes me suspect some of these things are intentional.

[bibliophage]

Army's Sex Probe Snarled

Durham Firm Helps Out Boy Scouts

Stratham Man Named Fish Panel Head

News from the town of Big Ugly, West Virginia: Big Ugly Girl Wins Beauty Contest I heard about this when I lived in W.Va. but I didn't see it myself.

From Fractured English by Richard Lederer

Warring Factions Don't Agree
Suicide Bombers Strike Again
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
High Court to Hear Marijuana Case
Starving Angolans Eating Dogs, Bark

[pulykamell]

I couldn't stop laughing when the KFOR Chronicle from either April or May had bumping headlines which read across two pages:

"Germans stop beating/Polish humanitarians"

[jesuslynch]

Back on February 1, 1997, Jessica Darling married Benjamin Swallow. On February 16, 1997, the Arkansas Democrat Gazette ran the following wedding announcement:

SWALLOW-DARLING

[jesuslynch]

Looking at the same page of wedding announcements I noticed this one...

SHEFFELD-PUTZ

[Weirddave]

I actually sent this one in to Leno, don't know if he used it or not. It was in the text of an article in The Baltimore Sun about 3-4 years ago.The article talked about U.S. Navy fighter planes and made reference to the "F/A 18 Super Horney Fighter". Sounds like a lot of the Navy guys I know.

[RTFirefly]

"All Utah Sentenced To Be Shot" is one that's actually in my scrapbook. (Sorry, Snark and peaches, we'll miss you!)

Back in the mid/late 1970s, when the death penalty was making its comeback, the authorities in Utah decided that all who were sentenced to death in the state ("All Utah Sentenced") would be shot, rather than hanged, fried, gassed, or whatever.

I'm still ROFL about Swallow-Darling, and the knocked-up girls!

[Jodi]

My favorite remains the headline reporting the outcome of a womens' basketball game between the University of Washington (the Huskies) and the University of Oregon (Oregon State?) (the Ducks): HUSKY WOMEN POUND DUCKS

[randomlyblanks]

Congress deals Clinton new blow
This was when the house voted to impeach him.

[RTFirefly]

[hijack]

poogas, remember the 'favorite T-shirt' thread a few months back? You posted a pic of a T-shirt...I tracked it down and ordered one. The Lee Harvey Oswald Band. (I plan to wear it to Satan's Summer Shindig; it's twisted enough for the occasion!)

Thanks, guy. I'm forever in your debt!

[/hijack]

[bibliophage]

From Tina’s archives

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
British left waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye drops off shelf

Another good collection is Moronic News Headlines

Air Head fired
Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy

[randomlyblanks]

RTF-I have shown so many people that shirt it's amazing. Everyone loves it!

[Gr8Kat]

One of my favorites from the Salem Statesman-Journal was a photograph of a toddler on a "Big Wheel" which was tipping over. The unrelated article next to the photo was about a teenager who'd stolen the family car and crashed it on I-5. The humorously juxtaposed headline was something like "Youth Wrecks Vehicle, Ties Up I-5 Traffic For Hours."

[Shirley Ujest]

Great Idea, this thread.

This isn't so funny as the high school girls knocked up one,
but our local excuse for a paper had a headline that wasn't really that funny as it was pathetic for what the 19 year old guy did.

Some young adult was found sleeping off drinking in his running car which was in a ditch, and the officer who also noted that in the back of his pick up, there was a deer bagged out of season. This doofus also had a bag of weed on him too. The guy screwed himself in so many ways it was really comical. The headline was something like,

Drunk sleeping driver arrested for possession of deer and drugs.

[jesuslynch]

My favorite remains the headline reporting the outcome of a womens' basketball game between the University of Washington (the Huskies) and the University of Oregon (Oregon State?) (the Ducks): HUSKY WOMEN POUND DUCKS

This one reminds me of the headline in the local paper last year when Bauxite (Miners) beat Glen Rose (Beavers)...

MINERS POUND BEAVERS

[writefetus]

...ok here are two from my local paper the Athens (GA) Banner/Daily news:
Upon the election of(the Polish born) JP II to the Papacy they ran the Banner headline:"First non-Catholic pope elected"...no joke, My parents still have that one in a scrapbook somewhere
the second one that I recall concerned a sports headline regarding our University team the Bulldogs (woof,woof,woof)and an injured lineman named (dangerously) Happy Dix, the editor was all set to run a header that read "Dogs to play without Dix", however the editor nixed that in favor of the superior "Dogs to play with Dix out"

[Al Phosgene]

"Interest Rates Raised to Stop Inflation"

[xizor]

When Larry Johnson signed a big contract with the Charlotte Hornets, the Raleigh News & Observer ran the headline:
"72 million dollar Johnson". I kept that one.

[matt_mcl]

When the National Gallery did an exhibition of Victorian art depicting fairies and elves and whatnot, the Globe and Mail ran a headline "Getting in touch with your inner fairy."

Of course, I just haaahd to clip it out and save it, dahhling.

[Altair_8800]

I saw this one on the front page of a local paper right after Hurricane Bonnie tore through the small town of Clinton, NC:

BONNIE BLOWS CLINTON

[andyman]

When Sesame Street Live came to a nearby city, the city's paper ran a picture of the characters with their names underneath. However, they left the "o" out of "The Count"

[Gunslinger]

A classified ad, under "business opportunities" in the back of Backwoods Home Magazine. Jay actually showed it on TV. I forgot the exact wording, but it was something along the lines of

Partner needed to help test time machine. Must bring own weapons.

The next month, there was an ad saying the project had been cancelled due to "technical difficulties"...

[timmar68]

Every year over here there is an event called "CounrtFest" where country starts play for 3 days outdorrs. The headline this year read:

"Working the Country Beat- Police and emergency workers shoot for law and order on grounds".

[osiej]

from the Houston Chronical Spanish Edition (I don't speak Spanish)-

During the shrub's last gubnetorial(sp?) election here, his campaign slogan was "Together We Can" the Chronical Spanish Language Edition translated the slogan, but made a slight error. When translated back to english, the slogan read, "Together we Fart".

[capacitor]

The New York Post is not exactly a banner for journalism, but they make great headlines. The best one is undoubtedly this well-known one:

Cop Gives Waitress $2 Million Tip

[Kiva]

On the front page of the Seattle Times, at the top, there is a section that tells what the feature stories are in the other sections of the paper (Local, Entertainment, Sports, etc). One day, there was a headline that read something like
"Teen Arrested for Bellevue Slayings,"
and right beside it was a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio.

There was just a thin divider line between the text and the photo, separating the Local news headline from the Entertainment news picture, indistinguishable on first glance.

[oldscratch]

From the Chronicle. "Gore Debuts as Action Ranger Nerd"

It referred to his guest apperence on Futurama.

[Saltire]

Last week, in the Classified section of the Aberdeen(WA) Daily World, there was a Help Wanted ad for a day care center. It mentioned that the hours were mostly days, but "with occasional night shits." It ran two days in a row like this before they corrected it.

The Editor-in-Chief, in a move you must admire, centered his Sunday editorial on typos, and featured this one. Most papers would have avoided reprinting it, but he put it on the Op-Ed page. He wrote about other errors in the Daily World and other papers but this one is a favorite:

When talking about the way some police manhunt was progressing, they once said the search was hampered by "three inches of snot on the ground."