My favorite comes from Freejack, which stars Emilio Esteves as a race car driver yanked into the future to replace the body of some guy. Also it has Mick Jagger.
There was a Steven Seagal movie about a corrupt oil baron in Alaska that had Billy Bob Thorton (!) as a mercenary. The only good part of the movie was Thorton debating with himself (talking to his fellow guard) about whether to extend the stock of his submachine gun.
“Should I extend the stock or leave it folded? Cause y’know it’s more practical to use when it’s extended…but it looks cooler folded.”
His delivery had me laughing out loud.
Give me the ROD!!!
“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubblegum.”
Goddamnit. Seven minutes too late. Now I got nuthin’.
A real oldie, but one of the best, from the movie “Bombshell” (1933):
Gifford Middleton: “Your hair is like a field of silver daisies. I’d love to run barefoot through your hair.”
Cracks me up every time.
And of course we have the entire movie “Plan 9 From Outer Space”:
Eros: “Because all you of Earth are idiots!”
Policeman: “Your guess is as good as mine Larry. One thing’s sure, Inspector Clay’s dead, murdered, and somebody’s responsible.”
Edwards: “For a time we tried to contact them by radio but no response. Then they attacked a town, a small town I’ll admit, but never the less a town of people, people who died.”
Ruler: “Ah yes, Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long distance electrodes shot into the pineal pituitary glands of recent dead.”
Paula: “Sometimes in the night when it does get a little lonely I reach over and touch it, then it doesn’t seem so lonely anymore.”
Plan 9 also contained the immortal line from Criswell: “Future events will affect you in the future”.
I thought Passenger 57 sucked, but I liked Wesley Snipes’ exchange with the terrorist:
“Ever play roulette?”
“Occasionally.”
“Here’s a tip: always bet on black.”
Surf Ninja, while a crappy movie, had a bit I loved. In fact, probably the only 5 minutes of the movie worth watching.
This noble from a fictional asian country, now under siege by leslie nelson with a half mask, is taking the two heirs to the throne and their white friend back to the country. They have landed, and the noble starts talking about special knives. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but ended with “Money can’t buy these knives”
So the white guy began going off on this running commentary as they were walking throught he forest, saying “That makes sense, because money can’t buy knives. I remember when I went into knife store and said “Hey, can I buy this knife?” and he said “No, Money can’t buy knives”.”
Eventually he gets the noble so pissed off that he tells him to shut up.
looks it up That was Rob Schiender!!!
Now I feel dirty…but it was still rather funny.
From the mind-numbingly bad Cobra, when the wacko tells Stallone he’ll blow up the supermarket:
“Go ahead. I don’t shop here.”
I have two favorite monologues, which I can spout at every opportunity, whether or not they are pertinent:
Bela Lugosi, from Bride of the Monster: “Home . . . I haff no home. Honted . . . despised . . . liffing like an animal – the jongle is my home! But I vill show the vorld that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own rice of pipple – a rice of atomic supermen that vill conquer the vorld!”
And Patty Duke, from Valley of the Dolls: “They say I’m difficult, they say I’m drunk, even when I’m not. Sure, I take dolls 'cause I’ve gotta get up at five o’clock in the morning and ‘Sparkle, Neely, sparkle!’ That psychiatrist says that I’m self destructive. So what? What do I do about it? Well, the hell with all of 'em. Even the bad publicity helps when you get to be as big as I am!”
In the horrible would-be comedic western, Evil Roy Slade was this one funny exchange,
Henchman, on lookout duty: “Someone’s comin’!’”
Evil Roy Slade: “Shoot him!”
Henchman: “It’s a woman”
Evil Roy Slade: “Wound Her!”
iamthewalrus(:3= sprints into the thread.
<panting>Kick ass… bubblegum!</panting>
****iamthewalrus(:3=slinks away
Michael Ironsides, from the excrable Starship Troopers (with a perfectly straight face): “They sucked out his brain!”
Actually, and much more amusingly, it was:
“Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you
and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future
events such as these will affect you in the future.”
Manos: Hands Of Fate
Torgo:
There is no way out of here.
It will be dark soon.
There is no way out of here.
From the “so bad it was almost good” Re-Animator:
Who’s going to believe a talking head? Get a job in a sideshow
*Don’t expect it to tango, it has a broken back. *
UHF
“Supplies!”
My favorite is Telly Savalas’ line in Train of Horror, as a cossack captain on being asked “But what if the monk is innocent?”:
“We’ve got lots of innocent monks!”