GAAAHH!! Crotch Spider!!!

The BBQ Pit
1

I must start this post by saying that I do not wake up quickly in the morning. The higher functions of my brain do not kick in until I have drank at least two cups of coffee. My body is pretty much on autopilot until then.

This morning started out like any other Friday. I woke up at the usual time and, clad in shorts and a tshirt, wandered into the kitchen. My sister was sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal. I walked over the cupboard and grabbed a coffee cup. As I was walking towards the coffeemaker with the cup held at chest height, I felt a need to scratch my balls. Naturally, I did so. However, when my hand reached my groin area, I felt something on top of my shorts. Upon looking down, I saw there was a GIANT FUCKING SPIDER ON MY CROTCH!! At this point two things happened.

First, my body’s Automatic Spider Defense System (ASDS) kicked in. The ASDS, upon recieving the information that a spider was currently on me, sent a message to my right arm to smash it as hard as possible, and caused me to yell “Fuck!!”

Second, a surge of adrenaline activated my higher brain functions. This took slightly longer than the ASDS. My brain managed to the put together that

  1. I was about to smash a spider into oblivion with a coffee cup and
  2. The spider was on top of my balls
    and form 3) I was about to smash my balls into oblivion with a coffee cup.

However, it was too late to avert my aim. The coffee cup slammed into the spider and kept going, slamming into my balls with incredible force. The worst pain that I have ever felt in my life appeared in my balls. On the scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a paper cut and 10 being having your skin removed with dull knives while fire ants ate your eyes, this pain was about a 10 billion. I immediately curled up on the floor holding my crotch. As I lay there, I heard a strange sound. It seemed to be … laughing.

My sister had not seen the spider. To her, it seemed as if I walked into the kitchen, got a coffee cup, and hit myself in the balls for no reason. Did she feel sorry for me or have any sympathy for my pain?

Of course not. She was too busy laughing at me. She will, of course, tell everyone she knows about me hitting myself in the balls. And, of course, she won’t tell them about the spider, just to make me seem like a bigger moron.

Fucking spider. Fucking sister.

2

Are you sure there was a spider? Did you take a picture of the carcass?

3

I laughed. I cried. It became a part of me.
8.5 out of a possible 10. Damn fine work, my boy. Damn fine work.

4

That’s beautiful, man. In a horrifying, sympathy-pain-inducing kinda way.

5

Did it bark?

6

I’m sure they’re barking pretty badly now.

7

knickle13, that was beautiful. I mean, I’m terribly sorry you smashed your balls with a coffee cup, but what great story!

8

It could have been worse.
Could have been scalding hot McDonald’s coffee.

9

Yeah, sorry 'bout that. I didn’t realize I was so loud, but that was a great story.

10

Wow! Great story!
Y’know, I’ve been meaning to start a crotch spider thread but you beat me to it. So I will piggy-back my experience onto yours, if ya don’t mind.
A friend and I are loading firewood from a backyard pile into a pickup truck. I drop in a load and turn when, looking down, I see this big black widow spider perched on the bulge of my crotch.

Now, the rational part of my mind is saying: “Although that spider is poisonous, it’s fangs are too small to penetrate the denim of the jeans and the cotton layer of the underwear in order to get a vulnerable part.”
The irrational part of my mind is screaming:“There’s a fuckin’ black widow spider on your cock, man!”

My friend sees what’s happening and grabs a chunk of wood. “Hold still”, he says, as he swings the chunk of wood over his right shoulder.

Now, the rational part of my mind is saying: “He’s not really going to do something as stupid as to knock the spider off with that chunk of wood, is he?”
The irrational part of my mind is screaming: “He’s about to take a golf swing using your cock as a tee!”

I am frozen. He swings. plink! The spider is gone! All I felt was a slight brushing sensation.

I gotta learn how to play golf!

11

oh man - that is priceless.

Hope you can sit up and take your head out from between your knees by now…

12

Best coffee break ever.

I hope you’ll consider membership so these stories will continue (no future malice toward your nuts intended).

13

First trouser snakes and now crotch spiders. Oh, the humanity! When will it end? When will it end?

(Great story, btw!)

14

Had you actually suceeded in crushing your own testicles you would have been a perfect candidate for the Darwin Awards.

Not that would dream of exploiting your pain by nominating you :smiley: .

15

Inky binky spider crawled up the scrotal sack
a coffee mug came down and gave him such a whack
then the man fell down cause he was in such pain
Inky binky spider crawled up his sack again

16

It’s bad luck to kill a spider – now ya know why. :smiley:

17

A true story that happened to me just last week…

I am walking my dog through the neighboorhood when she stops to poop. Good citizen that I am, I have a plastic bag for dog poop pick up. So I scoop the poop and am walking along looking down while I tie top of the poop bag in a knot.

Suddenly I feel stickiness on my face and hair. I walked right into a big ass spider web. I yell out, “FUCK,” and twitch my head back and start to pull the web off of me.

Then I noticed a huge ass spider on my bicep. I go to brush it off and it scrambles around on my back. I start yelling more, something like, “Shit, god damn it!” I’ve got a dog on leash in one hand and a bag of fresh poop in the other and I start flailing around and finally rip off my shirt and shake off the spider.

The emergency is finally over and everything is fine. Except, of course, for the fact that there were a few neighbors across the street who witnessed the whole and now think that I am entirely crazy. This is a no win situation but I finally figured I was better off just walking away rather than telling them a story about giant spiders causing my actions.

Haj

18

I can say honestly say that a big spider on or under my shirt is the one and only reason I would not hesitate to go topless in public.

And may I also say that there ought to be a rule against using certain terms in the same sentence together, like “spider” and “crotch”. Shudder

Oh yeah and band name! I can’t believe I’m the first one. “The Crotch Spiders”.

19

I’m glad the spider didn’t chew through your ball sack.

20

My face hurts now.

I’m at work, I can’t giggle out loud.