I know an incompetent person and I truly hate her

The BBQ Pit
1

I don’t like hating myself the way I do, but sadly I deserve the hatred. Especially now, since I goofed up majorly at work. The short version of the story is that a week ago, a delivery came in and I signed for it. Rather than reading the fluorescent orange note taped to the top of the box that warned the item needed to be refrigerated URGENTLY, I stuck the box in a corner and completely forgot about it.

Fast forward to today, when one of post docs tears into the lab looking for the fool who hadn’t refrigerated his Taq polymerase, rendering the $400 stuff completely useless. He hadn’t known it was me, but I knew it was me. Everyone in the lab kept whispering about this mysterious person and how they had fucked up royally. I told someone I hoped it wasn’t me who had signed for it, knowing good and well it had been me. All day I had to hear about how angry this guy was, and all day I kept thinking about how utterly stupid and incompetent I am.

The guilt set in and I finally went to the post doc. I confessed, knowing it was the right thing to do. His pissdom had lowered a bit, but he gave me a stern lecture on how important it is to follow the instructions on deliveries. But he told me he was going to continue to “look into the problem” (whatever that means). I bit my lip like a little kid and kept myself from crying. Trying not to hate myself more.

I’m kinda worried he’s going to tell our boss, and I’ll get axed or hollered at. But I’m more worried that this is just the beginning of my exposure as an incompetent fool.

This day has made me realize (no, remember is a better word) that I’m always goofing things up. I lose things. I get lost. I move too slow. I forget to bring things. I stutter and fumble my words, which means I’m almost relieved when people cut me off and finish my sentences. I forget to make the right phone calls. I “mishear” telephone numbers and complex conversations, thus relaying information incorrectly. I can’t follow directions without making major mistakes. I lack common sense. When people ask me simple questions, I never know the answer. “I don’t know” is my middle name. Sometimes I will give an answer, knowing that I’m not sure about it, just so that I can sound smart. But inevitably, when I do a check, I find out that I gave the wrong answer.

My incompetency extends into my social life, which I don’t have. Why don’t I have friends? Because I would only embarrass myself in front of them (that’s why you will never see me at a Dopefest, to be honest). I’m not cool enough to maintain a “cool” conversation. I don’t know how to drink or “hang out”. I’m too goofy and silly to take seriously. I don’t know how to make friends. Or lovers. And I don’t even think I want to learn because learning would mean I would have to expose my embarrassing lack of knowledge to someone. And they would laugh (You mean you don’t know how to kiss? Haha!!).

Sometimes I feel like if I could dance and be graceful, then I would feel more human and acceptable. But I can’t even hold a damn pencil correctly. I can’t even walk in a straight line!

All my life people have told me how smart I am. But it’s an act! I’ve always been dinky and slow. I’ve just worked hard to compensate. Kids at school used to call me “retarded”, even as they called me smart (talk about mexed missages). The label hurt because despite my good grades and teacher’s praises, I knew it was based in truth. The kids knew that even if the teachers didn’t.

I will never be the “go to” person, I know this now. I fuck things up and I’m not dependable. I have a Ph.D but I’m the dumbest person where I work. I think it’s just a matter of time before my “cover” is exposed. At night, before I go to sleep, I dream of waking up to an empty world where I’m the only person and I can goof up as much as I want but it wouldn’t matter. Sadly, this scenario seems more than plausible than making myself less incompetent by working harder. It seems like I work too hard now just to keep my head above water (you should see the insane lists I make). I don’t know what to do to make myself better, and it hurts my head thinking about it.

I’m not depressed because I actually smile and laugh on a regular basis. I don’t come home in tears (even though I’m wiping them away now). I don’t wish for death. But I do have lousy self-esteem right now. I thought getting a job would lift it up, but instead it has made it worse. I need suggestions on how to lift my self-esteem and get some more self-confidence, because I can see depression in my horizon if the present situation continues.

:frowning:

2

Okay, first – that post was beautifully written without a single spelling or grammar error that I noticed, so you aren’t “dumb” by any stretch. Second, you made a mistake – a significant one, sure, but a mistake. Everyone does. You did the right thing and owned up it, which is another point in the “not dumb” column. A dumb person just would have sat there and prayed their signature was illegible.

But I’m not going to pick out all the points that convinced me that you’re far from stupid. The important thing is for you to convince yourself. I think it’s probably a two-step process. First, look at all the really great things you’ve done. Hi, you’ve got a Ph.D. I’m sitting here with my stupid high school diploma and wondering if I should even reply to you, because I’ll obviously sound like an idiot, you know? From what it sounds like, you work in some sort of medical capacity – again, that’s not exactly an easy thing to do. I went to freaking LPN training for a year and couldn’t believe how complex some of that shit really is. Secondly, if you do have weak spots, maybe you could work on them. If one of your bad habits is being absent-minded, come up with ways to combat that. You might want to become a “do it NOW” person. When a box is delivered, put it in the right place right away to avoid forgetting. I have to do that with everything – if there’s a bill to pay, I have to do it NOW, because I’ll absolutely forget within the next five minutes. If disorganization is a weakness, come up with a system that will help keeps things a little more orderly, even if it’s just In/Out trays or using lots of sticky note reminders.

As for things outside of work – if you find yourself feeling stupid in conversations or discussions, maybe you could pick up books like

The Short History of Nearly Everything to widen your knowledge base a little, or subscribe to neat magazines on different topics that you feel deficient in.

Anyway, yeah. I don’t want to get into all of my crap, because that will only bring you down farther, but trust me when I say I’m right there with you. I’m so there. As a matter of fact, I almost cried when I read your post, because it’s where I am at this moment. My feelings of being worthless are so overwhelming sometimes that it’s all I can do to get out of bed.

So, my main points are thanks for posting this, because it lets me know that everyone has these moments; you’re not stupid at all from what I can tell, and do try to be a little easier on yourself.

3

Hello twin. I’m eternally being told how smart I am but I know I’m really an idiot. I do all the same things, goof ups, losing my keys, forgetting stuff all the time etc etc. I can’t tell you how to feel better about yourself, except to say there are a lot of people like us out there. We learn to get along in life or just fake it.

I was lucky that my mother sent me to group therapy as a teen, I got to learn how to socialize in a safe, controlled enviroment. Of course this probably isn’t applicable in your case, maybe you can start where you’ve already got your foot in. Why not go to a dopefest? It’s people you know are interested in meeting you, and the ice is already broken. This from the woman who’s never been to one because of shyness. :smiley:

Don’t give up on yourself, you may never be exactly the way you want to be, but you can make things better.

4

Would it make you feel any better if I told you lots of people feel this way about themselves? At least I sometimes feel this way about myself. Please don’t tell me if it’s just me and monstro- I need to believe that lots of people feel this way at some point.

5

You sound like me, but you sound quite young. You’ll probably be just fine. Fucking up is just that, fucking up. We all do it. You really DO have to break a few eggs to make an omelette, and you just lost an egg. People WILL be angry with you from time to time. Sometimes, it’s even justified(like today).

You sound like you have a lot going for you, except for your perceived flaws.

Cheer up, it’ll all be ok.

Sam

6

As you can tell from my post, I can’t even format an URL right. I have no idea where that enormous blank space came from. :rolleyes:

7

Eh, for decades I dreaded being exposed for the incompetent idiot I was. I lived in fear of it being discovered that I really had been faking being adequate all along. Fate forfend that someone would finally see me as I was! And I did the same sort of screw-ups as you. With similar social skills too. Your story sounds a lot like my early days, up thru my internship and into private practice.

It wasn’t my competency, it was my underlying anxious depression and social anxiety that was driving the whole scenario. Once I got adequate help for that (meds and counselling), I discovered that my perceptions of myself were not accurate. (Getting sober helped too, in my case. YMMV)

Do yourself a favor: Don’t beat yourself up over and over. And ask for help. From a mental health professional.

QtM, MD (and damned adequate, too! :smiley: )

8

I wouldn’t be so quick to write off depression. I used to feel the same way about myself, but never thought of it as capital-D “Depression” because I was never suicidal, and I had a good sense of humor and laughed a lot. I didn’t realize how wrong I was until I got out of the depression, and realized that it’s just not normal to feel that way. I got over it the hard (read: stupid) way: on my own, without medical or psychiatric help. If I’d gotten help with my problems, I’d’ve not ended up regretting most of my twenties. Seriously: talk to a doctor about how you feel. Don’t hold off because you’re embarassed, or because you think it’s not a “big” enough problem to bother a doctor about. If you’re consistently not happy, if you don’t like your life but don’t know how to change it, get help. It could literally be as simply as taking a pill a day. Just being happy is the most important thing you can do with your life. Do whatever it takes to get there.

Oh, and by the way: I don’t know how to kiss either.

9

I think I’ll add my own point to chatelaine’s advice.

Stop telling yourself you’re stupid. Especially if it’s a habit of yours. I used to do that all the time. Once I broke myself of the habit, I found I felt better about myself. Yeah, we all make mistakes. Just don’t get to down on yourself about them.

10

Hey, monstro, as you may have surmised, we all have this mortal fear of being exposed as incompetent frauds. Your posts are well-reasoned and written, and I can tell you have a heart. I think that sometimes bad shit comes in clumps and we default back to that “I’m no good” refrain…maybe you should save that post and refer to it occaisionally (after a while)…you’ll probably chuckle at the way you were thinking. :slight_smile:

11

Gotta agree with Miller. Don’t rule out depression yet. I finally admitted I would need medical help with my depression a little over a year ago. The meds made all the difference in the world. They didn’t make me perfect, but they did help me step back, gets some perspective, and hang on to that persprective for more that a minute at a time. Many of us can gain perspective–“oh, everyone makes mistakes, it’s not that bad”–but then lose it immediately–“but that was a horrible mistake, and I’ve made more than one, and…”.

Another thing to try to remember (I don’t mean this in a snarky way but it’s gonna sound like it) is to remember that it is not all about you. People do not spend their spare time thinking about the fact that you forgot the phone message; came in two minutes late; stuttered when answering; said the first stupid thing that came into your head; used the wrong word; misprounounced epitome; dress funny; never go out with your co-workers; never talk about your SO; don’t know how to dance; are clumsy; are the crazy cat lady with nine cats; always wear black; don’t know how to golf; still wear braces; or whatever it is you think they are thinking about you. Instead they are thinking: man, I’m stupid; I made a huge mistake; they are going figure out that I’m…

Buck up monstro, we love you.

12

Aw, Monstro. I, too, recognize myself in your posts.

My immediate reaction is, “Hmm… looks like Monstro’s being short-circuited by anxiety.”

You may not be depressed, but perhaps you have some kind of anxiety disorder? There are medications that can help with this, and also a good book called **The Feeling Good Handbook ** which has a whole chapter on cutting anxiety off at its bloody knees! I’ve had this book for a long, long time and just lately have read this chapter. It has made a marked improvement on my anxiety which has made a marked improvement in my seemingly relentless stupid fuck-ups. (Caused not by stupidity, but the brain freeze-ups that anxiety causes.) There are very simple techniques the author discusses (and hand worksheets!) that are very effective. Mayhap you can check it out at the library?

I can see that you feel like crap right now, but I honestly don’t think this is an issue of congenital airheaded-ness or lack on your part. It sounds emotional and perhaps biological, and there are tools and resources widely available that can eradicate this from your life, or at least make it much, much better. Would you consider talking to a therapist about this?

13

Oh, dear monstro, your are not stupid. You may just be absentminded. Or it could be that you are already depressed and that the symptom that manifests itself most in you is difficulty concentrating.

(Even with all of my years of treatment for depression, I was unable to recognize it when a bad bout of it had set in again. I kept my sense of humor sometimes even in the hospital.)

But I’m not one to diagnose you. With your lack of self-esteem, you are in good company. Gloria Steinem wrote a book about it because of her own problems. It’s called Revolution from Within. It was what finally helped me to stop beating up on myself. Leave your address with the mod of your choice and I will send you a copy through Amazon. Just let me know who the mod is! It will be my pleasure and a token of my esteem for you.

You are stronger and smarter than you think. None of what you have said in this post has changed my mind in the least little bit. Now I have added courageous to the list. You spoke up at work when you didn’t have to and you spoke up here.

I just love you. I will be back later and we can talk more if you like.

14

When I’m feeling this way, I like to look at websites like the Darwin Awards or watch shows like “World’s Wildest Police Chases” on TV. There, you will find people doing things far stupider than anything you can ever imagine yourself doing. This somehow makes me feel better about myself.

Oh, and here’s a short story you might want to read: Luck, by Mark Twain

15

Your only problem is your low self esteem. It’s the straight jacket that is the root of everything you are unhappy about in your OP. You aren’t inherently stupid, you aren’t inherently uncoordinated, and you aren’t inherently anti-social. You could learn all the things you say you wish you knew, how to dance, how to date, and how to be relaxed and fun around other people if you could just learn to cut yourself some slack and let yourself be as imperfect as we all are.

Seriously, this right here speaks volumes to me:

You’re ashamed about not having experience with some things, but you can’t get experience because you’re ashamed of not having it already. It’s a vicious circle, and I don’t know how you can break out of it. Talking to a therapist might help. Trying to force yourself to try new things without getting down on yourself might help. Take a ballroom dance class. Take a french class. Take a yoga/weight-training/kickboxing class. Allow yourself to be a complete novice at something with a bunch of other complete novices without feeling ashamed.

16

Also, get in the habit of praising yourself. When you do something well, smile quietly, (or loudly) and congratulate yourself. It’s something I started doing at work, since I do tend to be a fuckup. When I get something right, I have a party in my head. Sounds crazy I know, but is very effective.

17

I heartily endorse this idea. (Like I’m anyone you’d know. :slight_smile: ) A therapist gave me this book some years ago and it really helped my social anxiety problems a great deal. I’m no life of the party but I no longer feel like such a fraud the way I used to. And hey, monstro, if it helps any I’ve dropped and spilled more expensive reagents than that. What’s even more humiliating is having to tell a patient they’re being redrawn because I dropped their blood specimen. But now I can just admit to myself it’s an accident that could happen to anyone and not a signal of my failure as a human being. And you know what? I don’t drop many tubes anymore either.

18

How to practice kissing:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Choose your good hand and make a soft fist with your thumb parallel to and facing your mouth. Your thumb should be resting against your bent index finger. What you are looking at will look a little like a cat’s mouth or an old man’s mouth. (Don’t worry. Old men kiss just fine!)

You can move your thumb a little bit to even make it look like it might be talking. What was the name of the comedien who used to do that? Senor W___? Anyway. This is what you have to work with.

Wet your lips a little and just slightly open them. Place your lips against your “hand lips.” Move them around a little from the finger to the thumb. Pretend the “hand lips” are ice cream and you are just tasting it in different places.

Eventually, you may want to try this with the “hand lips” moving around too. After all, your lips will be doing only half of the kiss.

Everyone kisses differently because all lips and teeth are different. There is no one right way. Put feeling and just a little movement into it. Keep your lips soft, moist and not too gloppy from lipstick.

This method has a double your money back guarantee. I practiced from age 12 to age 14. If you will permit an old woman her memories, this comment about me from a male classmate was overheard by a friend who relayed it to me when I was a senior in high school:

“When you kiss her, you know you’ve been kissed.” (Insert smug, beaming smilie with wrinkles)

19

I keep a “happy news” folder in my e-mail where I save messages from people praising me for something. It helps when I think I’ve screwed up.

It also helps to think about the things you can do. Not everyone can earn a PhD and work in a lab. You can string words together and make coherent sentences. Heck, you seem like a nice person.

And check into some counseling for anxiety. Even a short course helps.

Robin

20

This has got to be the funniest thing I’ve read on the boards in quite a while! I was always so hopeful you would attend one of the NY doper gatherings, and I’ve got to say you are seriously overestimating the amount of social grace that is required to participate. 'Cause it’s like … none. None would be fine. None might actually raise the tone, as it were. :wink:

I always look forward to your posts, and consider you one of the most insightful, thoughtful, articulate Dopers around.