Yesterday I’m at work and a realize that one of my co-workers had made a mistake. Not a big mistake, but a mistake nonetheless. We’re a small place and nominally I’m “above” this other employee. So I ask her if she remembers why she did the procedure the way she did it (I said it super nice-like too…no accusations). I was expecting one of three things: a) she’d found a better way (doubtful), b) she’d forgotten the correct procedure, or C) she’d never learned and was just winging it. In other words, I saw it as an opportunity to catch her up so it would save her time, energy, and problems later. I swear I had the purest of intentions.
About ten minutes later she comes back and says “I have an answer.” Me: “Ok, good, what’s up?” Her: “I’m stupid.” That’s it, end of story. She thinks she’s stupid and that’s why this happened. Me: “Uhhh, I don’t think that’s it at all. You’re not stupid and saying your stupid doesn’t explain what happened.” Her: “No, I’m just stupid.” Me: “Look, this is what you should have done blah blah blah.” Her: “I’m just stupid.” Basically she just ignored my opportunity to help her and didn’t pay attention to a word I said. Ten minutes later, she comes back and says “maybe I just shouldn’t do this, you and <insert both our boss’s name here> should just do it, I’m just too stupid.” Me: (blood absolutely boiling at this point) “you’re not stupid and maybe you should just talk to <insert boss name>”.
This is still sticking with me because I’m feeling like a heel and feeling manipulated. Again, we’re a small place and I know this woman has self-esteem issues (and isn’t a genius, but isn’t rock stupid). I feel like a jerk because I “made” her feel bad. On the other hand, I feel manipulated because she’s claiming stupidity as a cop out so she doesn’t have to learn anything. Furthermore, I think she’s hijacking my emotions to make me feel bad for “making” her feel stupid.
Any advice? Any advice at all? Anybody deal with similar people?
My own advice is take a big glass of “get the hell over it” but that doesn’t seem to be working.
“I’m stupid” and then shutting down is a great way to have things grind to a halt.
The only thing you can do is unhalt them.
Is this the kind of procedure she should know how to do with her eyes closed? Is it something she could do over, with or without your guidance/supervision/“grading.”
Let her know that a) you and she both know she can do it and do it well and b) she’s going to have to redo it until it’s done well.
I’m that way myself sometimes, and my personal solution (when I can swallow it), is a big glass of the “Get the Hell Over it” elixir you mentioned.
But I understand that you cannot say that to a subordinate. I would reccommend sitting down and talking with her and trying to work it out. Maybe try being The Friend instead of The Boss/Supervisor.
She’s definitely done this stuff before. I would think many times, but at least a couple handful. Problem is that it may not come up again for a while again, and when it does, I may not know about it. And I doubt that she heard anything I said when I went through the right way to do it. She was in self-pity shutdown mode.
Do you think I should do some mock-up of similar situation? Let her run through it in a practice mode? Or will this just reinforce these notions that she’s stupid and needs to have special treatment because she’s stupid. I want her to learn this, but I don’t want to stir the pot any more, if you know what I mean. Or is that enabling? Christ, this is confusing.
Is this really your problem, or could you take it to your (mutual?) boss and get his or her take on the situation? I don’t mean this in a passing the buck sort of way, but just to talk through the specifics of the situation and the personalities to see if the two of you can come up with an idea.
Just say, “You’re not stupid or a) you wouldn’t be working here, and b) you wouldn’t have been able to do this procedure correctly before. Now all we need to do is make sure we understand why it was not done correctly this particular time.”
Now she has 2 solid examples of why her “I’m stupid” argument won’t float, and will have to discuss why she screwed up on this particular occasion.
I did indeed talk with my boss about it yesterday. Her answer was “that’s the way <employee> is, and she’s never going to change. She’s still going to have to do the work she’s supposed to do and she needs to do it right. If she doesn’t, that’s her problem.” So in other words, we should both drink a big glass of GTHOI.
Me, I’d prefer to be more proactive, without doing any damage.
You might try the analytical approach and name her behavior by commenting on it.
Next time she says she’s stupid, respond by saying that calling herself that is a way of short circuiting any attempt to improve on her performance and also a cue for you to build up her self-esteem by going on about how smart she really is. From her perspective it’s a two- fer, you stop bugging her about the task at hand and she gets a compliment or two. However, she may not be aware that you’re getting a two-fer as well; frustration because she won’t deal with the issue in a productive manner and anger because you feel manipulated into giving her some strokes. Nothing win-win about this at all. Ask if you can both work on solving the problem without playing the “I’m stupid” game.
I don’t like this approach. If I make a bone-headed, out of character mistake, I hate it when my boss says “How (or why) did this happen?” Doesn’t it stand to reason that if I knew how it happened that the mistake never would have been made? I can never just say, “Oops, I goofed and I’ll be more careful in the future”. No, he’s got to beat it into the ground until I feel like shit. I never have an answer for him that’s good enough. Besides, I have a little bit of the OP’s employee in me. I beat myself up enough for any tiny mistake that my boss grilling me about it makes me feel even worse.
But this particular employee was playing the “pity me” game and didn’t even want to hear suggestions on how to do it right in the future and that seems childish to me.
People make mistakes. All the time. In some instances it can’t be avoided at all.
I know you were trying to tell the story as fairly as possible, but there are instances where your approach is wrong, regardless of the tone you take. Let say the procedure is real simple, and it was obviously a brain-fart on the part of your coworker. To ask the coworker to redo it is one thing. If “I fucked up” is insufficent, and you sound like you are asking for an explanation on how such a simple mistake can be made, and how it can be avoided in the future, you will piss a person off.
Just hearing your side, I can’t tell if this is an instance of “I’m a moron! Is that what you want to hear?” or an employee ‘half-assing’ it in the hopes of not having to do it in the future.
Also you mentioned that she came back 10 minutes later. Does this mean you called her into your office? Because no matter how friendly you make it sound, if she is called into a office it will sound authoritative to her. You can say the same thing by dropping into her office and it will seem completely different.
Expanding on this theme a bit:
“Stupid” is a condition. However “making a mistake” is human. A good way to short circuit her “I’m stupid” is A) keep reminding her that she “made a mistake” or “messed up” - an INCIDENT, and that doesn’t mean she suffers from this “condition”. B) talk about all the things she does do correctly and that she therefore couldn’t be “stupid” as she is capable of doing all these other things. C) talk about some of the major screw-ups you’ve made, and let her see that no one is perfect (and that, having made those screw-ups, YOU didn’t conclude that you were “stupid”. Merely “human”)
It sounds to me like she is so aggravated with her mistake that she no longer feels that she is “capable” of taking on such a task. “I’m stupid” is her “out”. If she convinces herself she is incapable, and also convinces you she is incapable, then she won’t be put in a situation where she can mess up again.
However, you see that she is capable of this task despite having made this mistake. So you need to let her know this. Making mistakes is part of life and work. Now having done so, she is far less likely to repeat the same mistake. And to further insure this, perhaps writing up a description of what went wrong, and what should have been done would help for the next time.
No, I didn’t call her into my office. I wouldn’t do that to a first-grader…for exactly the reason you state.
I was by her desk and asked her about it. I even said and this is a direct quote “It’s no big deal, just let me know when you get a chance.” A few minutes later she came over and gave me the stupid spiel. Left, came back ten minutes later with the incapable spiel.
My workplace has a lot of "I’m stupid’ types who find it a convenient way out from having to think or have expectations placed on them. They never seem to have a problem with being stupid when it comes to finding clever arguments with why they need to leave work early, take a long lunch, etc.
I think it is very important to know whether the low self-esteem is real, or it is a convenient set up for the former excuse.
For this individual, it’s undeniably both. I’m certain that she feels stupid at the time she goofs something up. However, I’m also certain that it’s a tactic to do less and less. It’s worked in the past (my boss has removed responsibilities from her).
Oddly enough, she’s on a long lunch today. However, I couldn’t give a crap about that, because that doesn’t bother me. Do you stuff and do it right and do what you will with whatever time you have left over.
I’m convinced you completely nailed what’s going on here: Two-fer City, USA.
Well, here’s my plan of action:
give up on this instance as being a learning opportunity for her
embrace the fact that I’ve learned a lot from it already
call her on it the next time she does this routine (this is the first time she’s done it with me, but not with my boss). I’m going to do as somebody said (cormac?)and shift the emphasis off of her and on to me (anecdotes of my long and sordid list of goofs) and explain how I learned from them. Then go into the teaching mode.
Hope like hell a similar situation never happens again
Comments?
Thanks to everybody too. You’ve all been really helpful so far.
I agree that “I’m stupid” is not a pity maneuver. It is a way to admit fault but avoid discussing the details, either to conceal a lack of competence or negligence. She doesn’t want a pat on the back, she just wants you to forget about the incident and be predisposed toward leniency next time. This must have worked at some point in the past or she wouldn’t be doing it now.
I’d just let it go this time… next time she hides behind the stupidity defense, the correct response is to say “We can forgive mistakes, we can afford to fix bad procedures, and we can afford to train employees. But this company cannot afford to have stupid people working here. Are you still stupid?” If she says “yes”, well, she’s told you what you need to do.
I see red flags here… it sounds like there are personal communication issues looming in the future. If she seriously thinks that saying “I’m stupid” is a way to manage situations or effectively deflect criticisms, I would bet you have more misunderstandings on the horizon.
If this is the case, I don’t know what to recommend. Maybe a better manager can come along and give you some great advice, but for me this type of employee has always been my foil. They are usually the hardest to motivate and the results never seems to justify the effort.
Also you need to nip that ‘taking away responsibilities’ thing in the bud. It’s unfair to the employee those responsibilities get re-assigned to. Also the other employees aren’t stupid. If they see that the squeeky wheel gets all the oil, pretty soon they all start squeeking. Then you have the employees managing management.
Hope you can make it!