Your boyfriend gave you a Black Eye...In see no reason to leave him either!

The BBQ Pit
1

There is a new administrative assistant in my department, she is 40 something with 2 kids in a different state. I occasionally lunch with her and a few colleagues and at one such luncheon I found that she had an abusive boyfriend. I asked her why she stayed with him and she replies that she is waiting to have enough money to move out. Her family is in California, and she cannot move until her finances are in order. I shrug it off initially and carry on with my day.

Yesterday she comes in and I look at her as I do every morning to say hello - she looks up at me and half smiles. When I see her face I am appauled to see a huge black eye. Not just a bruise but a huge black and blue puffy eye.

She immediately puts her head down and I go over to her and ask her what happened.

“He beat me up last night…I fought back and got him good a few times, but he really belted me…I was seeing stars for a little bit after it happened. Look at my arms…”

Looking at her arms I was shocked. Bruises up and down both arms [on the outside as if fighting someone off].

I said well you are obviously leaving right? You are at a hotel or something close by?

Nope, she did not leave, she stayed with him and has no plans anytime soon to leave because most of her posessions are there.

:eek:

I cannot believe this, as she is talking to me I am in utter disbelief that she is actually sticking up for this fucking low-life. She sais she knew he didn’t mean it, and that she would be out of there soon enough.

I know that is not true, she has no where to go…

I am so torn up right now, she just walked by my office and didn’t even look in. I know she is in pain, I know she is in a tight spot, but she knows there are places she can go. I really do not want to get in the middle of this, I won’t, she knows how I feel. I know she is ashamed, and has absolutely no self-esteem, but come on now…How many coffee tables or sofas does it take to make a black eye OK?

I can’t help to be a little ticked off that she doesn’t use more resources around her.

WTF!

2

Give her the number to a local abused women’s shelter. What are the law in your state? Will the police press charges even if the woman doesn’t?

Be her friend. I was never abused, so I don’t have the psychological insight to her emotions right now.

3

Yes the police are mandated in my state CT, to press charges in a domestic abuse case. Plus, they need only be called and show up and they will see her face.

This is terrible, just terrible. A female colleague of mine already gave her the name of a shelter…she won’t go. :confused: :confused: :confused:

4

You know, picking up, leaving everything you have and everything you know, even if it’s shitty and awful, is really, really scarey and really, really hard.

Try to be her friend. When she’s ready to leave, and has prepaired herself, she will.

5

Maybe she’s afraid of violence. I’ve heard that most of the violence/deaths actually happens after the woman leaves, that it’s not the end.

But in today’s day, it’s not even shameful…or shouldn’t be. So you shacked up with a wife-beater. Everyone makes mistakes, we can fix it, and learn from it.

I hope she gets out.

6

In Illinois (and in most states) they will indeed prosecute even if the victim doesn’t press charges.

Phlosphr, there is so much involved in leaving an abuser. Give her a break. She has to feel that she can, she has to have some self-esteem before she can. She has to feel safe. You have no idea, unless you or someone close to you has been there. There are just too many layers to this issue to simply resolve it with a pat statement or action. Try to understand.

7

She’s concerned about what little things she can hold onto that are her own - posessions, some semblence of who she is… all of that. Leaving is scary because you don’t know if you’ll ever get your things back, if you can even have a life oout on your own.

Find out what shelters are out there. Call their non-emergency line and ask a social worker there what the deal is, what you can tell your friend about taking her things with her and/or going back to get them (I went back and got mine with the cops) and what her options are to get back on her feet. You can then give your friend the information - tell her you care, that you wish you could help… and that there is help out there, including financial and planning help (so she can get her things AND get back on her feet again).

Give her the information you gathered - ask the worker at the shelter if you can give your friend her name if/when she calls. Tell your friend they are ready and willing to help, all they need is for her to take the first step.

Understand that it’s scary as all hell. These guys usually threaten to kill you or those you love if you try to get away. Let her know there are places she can be safe and these people deal with creeps like him every day. They’ll help her get the protection she needs and all that… and no, she doesn’t have to “leave all her stuff behind”. She can go back and get it, especially with the court’s help (or the cops).

Be well… and I hope she comes to realise there’s help out there.

8

When my sister was leaving her abusive husband she had the police come and supervise the move. The husband showed up and the cop had a few words with him then Dickless left without a word. Maybe you can do the same thing in your area and your co-worker could get her stuff out.

9

I am certainly trying to understand. It does hit a nerve with me, as I have not seen this type of violence unleashed and in your face. I feel sick that I cannot do more to help her, and I know she knows that. One of the other teachers in the building is making some phone calls for her to see if there is a place where she can go and take all of her posessions. Aparently she has a lot of stuff at the house. Also, it turns out this guy is a somebody…he’s quite far up the corporate ladder of a large company in CT. What a scumbag!

10

Just as a heads up, based on the little you have related you might want to proceed cautiously. If this woman is getting regular beatings from someone way up the corporate food chain, that’s not impossible, but it would be highly unusual for someone with so much to lose to be beating his girlfriend. No that’s it’s impossible, but in the normal run of things it’s just very odd for a top level executive to be giving an SO a physical beatdown. Mental beatdowns sure, but people don’t usually get to the top by being stupid enough to slap women around. I suspect there may be a lot more to the scenario that led to her black eye than she has related.

11

Well, that is not what I have read. Although spousal abuse may be reported to the police at a higher rate among those of lower socioecomic classes, or at least it is done so more visibly to the public, it is not actually more common in those classes. Those with more resources or public prestige may feel they are above the law, or, and many times they are right about this, that they would never be “called to the carpet” for their actions.

12

All the more fun! (astro, please note that this guy is not up Phlosphr’s food chain so no worries)

If you saw a man beating on a woman like that in a parking lot, would you call the cops? This is the same situation. It isn’t her call; this “man” is a menace to society and needs to be taken off the streets. And if the cops and her family cannot fully protect her I’m sure you can find some guys around the office or (do I recall correctly?) campus who’d be happy to help. A couple of busted kneecaps and this guy wouldn’t be able to catch her. :smiley:

Really, though, because your friend is not willing to stop this guy’s violence somebody else must. You are as good a choice as any and better than most.

13

She needs to meet with an advocate at a battered woman’s shelter. Lots of them to outside work in the community. She needs a support system, that will help her safely get out of that situation. Tell her to get ALL her important papers, and give them to someone she trusts to hold for her, because it’s not uncommon for vindictive abusers to destroy important papers, or to sell the person’s identity. Tell her to change her passwords on her various accounts. The advocate could probably help her with moving her possesions out, and can definately help her make an “escape” plan, and implement it.

Getting a restraining order might help if that town enforces them at all, she could get all her stuff out, and get gone. I hope she’s not beat down so far that she can’t get out. :eek: I hope she gets far, far away from him and never looks back. You might consider taking notes of what she’s told you, and what you’ve observed, so that you could testify on her behalf if that guy gets arrested for beating her, and she presses charges. Whatever you do, don’t badmouth the guy to her, that is likely to make her cling to him all the tighter. Just listen, and help her remember that she does have worth. Help her with things she asks of you if you can, and be ready to give her a boost if she does leave him, she’ll need a lot of support. You might consult someone who works with battered women for suggestions on how best to help this woman as well, they can explain things better face to face than this sterile type. That’s about all you can do. :frowning:

14

Also, re-assure her that her anonymity will be secure, and so will his.

15

Astro, you couldn’t be more wrong. Domestic abuse crosses all racial, social, economic, and educational lines. It’s not odd at all. There are plenty of abuse cases on file. None of them have to to with a person’s level of prestige on the job.

16

Nope. Women with social status are just more reluctant to report physical abuse because it’s seen as “low class.” In fact it occurs in all classes.

17

astro, you’re very much incorrect in your assumptions.

Phlosphr, I can offer nothing but sympathy for you and your co-worker. I’ve never known a woman in that situation and hope I never do. My biggest fear would be making situation worse by involving the authorities. I’m not saying it shouldn’t be done, I’m just saying I would lose sleep over facing such a dilemma.

18

I feel for you, as well as for her.

She’s in a terrible situation, and feeling trapped, not only by her possessions, as others have said, but likely also by her own feelings: so many people accept abusive relationships because they have a greater terror of being alone than they do of anything their abuser might do to them.

I’m not pointing this out to you as something you can change, either. If you can support this woman while understanding that she may never get the gumption to get out of this situation, good for you. However, take an honest look at yourself and your emotions, too. If you can’t stand to watch this, and know that it will continue to upset you, give some thought to keeping yourself safe, emotionally. More than a few would-be friends and rescuers have ended up in trouble themselves, because the helplessness of watching this pathology work out is so destructive.

One of the first, and hardest, lessons to learn in any kind of rescue work be it mental, or physical, is to judge whether the rescuer can actually do anything without becoming part of the problem themselves. It’s true for fire fighting, and it’s true in this sort of situation, too. The risks may not be as obvious, but they are still real.

If you can support this woman, and still stay sane and healthy, great! Do it.

If you can’t, or even if you’re not sure you can, tell her, that if she ever wants to get out you’ll be glad to do anything you can to get her out, give her all the battered women’s shelter and advocacy group contact information you can, and tell her, that until she’s willing to make that choice, you can’t watch her continue to stay in such a self-destructive situation.

I’m not telling you this because I like giving this advice, but because it seems that this woman is at a point where she can’t be helped. Until she’s ready for that - there’s very little that spectators can do effectively. :frowning:

<aside>

I’m curious, does anyone have any kind of statistics for how effective those mandatory prosecution laws are?

The reason that I ask, is that while they do good where a victim feels too afraid to actually take such steps themselves, there seems to be a large part of the pathology where the victim rallies in such a situation to the abuser’s cause, claiming it’s all a plot or unwarranted interference. It seems that often this sort of action serves to weld the abuser and victim closer together rather than getting the victim out of a bad situation.

Just my unscientific observations, no stats to back it up.

</aside>

19

I completely agree with this. I was in an abusive relationship when I was much, much younger. I come from a fairly well-to-do family that was considered very “upper-crust” in our small town. When my mom found out about the beatings and rapes I had been through at the hands of my then-boyfriend, she told me that I had been right not to have called the police (I didn’t tell her until years after I had broken up with the guy), and she went on to say that “a lady should be in the paper only twice in her life: when she is married and when she dies.” I had been 17 when the abuse started, and I didn’t dump the guy until I was 20. Turns out my mom had been abused by my father (they’re now divorced and have been since I was 2) in much the same manner, and had received largely the same information from my grandmother.

Anyway, my point is that, like Kalhoun and many others have said, abuse happens in all socio-economic classes, and to all races and sexes. It’s not something that only happens to poor people, and it’s not something that only the inconsequential (as in not well-known) do. It’s a dirty little secret for many women (and men), and I hope that Phlosphr’s co-worker will seek help. I sure the hell wish I had.

20

I hope everyone notes that the above quote is only a note of caution. There is a poosibility that she might be covering up for a drunken fall. That wouldn’t be the first time. Give the husband some chance to acquit himself before you propose a condemnation.