I went down to my local bar this afternoon, and got into conversation with two very drunk people. They were strangers until today, but had bonded (since lunch time) over the fact that the guy had been left at the altar (literally) and the woman had just had her engagement terminated. Both are total strangers to me.
Her name is Abbey. She told me some pretty horific things about her “realtionship” with her “boyfriend”, including domestic violence resulting in hospitalisation.
I offered, because she was so drunk, an Uber back home to her abusive boyfriend’s house, or to stay in a flat attached to my house, which is really close. The other guy was drunk too but both of us were concerned about her driving. He took her car keys and drove her home.
She gave me a phone number. It turns out her drunk self gave me her boyfriend’s number, so when I messaged “her” I got “him”.
I have asked the boyfriend for her own number, but fuck. I dont know what to do if he does not share it. She’s fucked in a number of ways, showed me scars from self hurt. But the boyfriend seems like a complete arsehole.
I woke up in the night thinking about her. A young, beautiful woman in a horrible situation.
(Posted in the Pit because I suspect I may need to vent about abuse in relationships)
What is the outcome you are seeking? Saving Abbey from an abusive relationship? Having a (NON-abusive, of course) relationship with Abbey yourself?
(Obligatory nitpick: “Abbey” as a name is usually spelled “Abby,” BTW. An “abbey” is where nuns or monks live.)
Not to be a downer, but you do realize that a male (are you male?) calling an abusive boyfriend to ask for his girlfriend’s phone number could quite possibly subject her to further abuse. Whatever else you do, I DEFINITELY would not call him again.
If you want to do something, call in a welfare check to the police and let them go over there and figure it out. At this point, I think that’s really your only option other than entirely ignoring it or going over there on your own to do something about it.
As far as the police need to be concerned (and as far as she may remember) you’re just a random person at the bar that she spilled her guts too.
Having said that, if you get the feeling this guy could be a threat to your safety, do it anonymously.
If all you have about her is her number and first name, then you have no choice but to drop it. As CairoCarol said, Contacting her through her boyfriend’s phone number ha much higher probability of putting her harms way than of actually helping her out. You can’t blame yourself for the first call since you didn’t expect to get the boy friend, there is also the possibility that it was her number but that the boyfriend answered it. But don’t call again or it will just make matters worse, potentially much worse.
It sucks, but there is a whole lot of bad stuff out there that we simply can’t fix.
But I feel so helpless. I want to help her in some way, but she is ready to go back to this dickhead.
So frustrating. I understand talking to some drunk guy in a bar is a form of therapy, but sometimes us drunk guys have useful things to say, aside from just being a sponge to absorb emotions.
All communication via WhatsApp messages. I did not actually see her phone, so, yes, it is possible she gave her number and he has control over the account.
I asked if she was safely at home. Not too big a threat, I think, given her drunkeness.
I think the chance that she did this on purpose is very high. I don’t know why, but there are some possibilities:
She realized at some point in the process that you were more involved in the story than she wanted (maybe when you offered her a place to live), so she was trying to extricate herself from your involvement.
She was creeped out by you in some way–not necessarily in a way justified by your behavior, but maybe–and sees her boyfriend as a protector. An abuser, but also a protector.
She was pissed off at her boyfriend about something and exaggerated, but started regretting. (I’m not sure this one is very likely, but I wasn’t there).
Something else.
Overall, though, there’s a subtext when a woman gives a man a false number: I don’t want to hear from you. For whatever reason, she’s made herself clear, and I think you gotta respect that.
I’m sorry; this doesn’t sound like a lovely position for you to be in, either. I hope she’s okay.
Leave it alone. Drop it. Run away.
She was drunk. Probably over dramatic, anyway.
If her story is partly true, she has a bad boyfriend, mental health issues, hanging with another drunk guy and then you??
You’re asking for trouble.
Question: did you give her YOUR number? Because if the answer is yes, then let her call you. If she doesn’t, she’s not ready to pursue a connection with you.
I get it. I’m a person who sees someone, human or animal in some predicament and need to jump in and help.
I can’t tell you how much this has cost me emotionally, physically and monetarily.
I’ve recently learned (here from a certain Doper, ty) that you can’t save everyone. Sometimes it’s better(not easier) to just try and forget what you’re seeing and go away.
You’re a good guy for wanting to help, for sure.
You got to keep this in perspective. You really don’t know these people. If she was very drunk she probably has no memory of you.
Bite your lip. Let it go.
Anecdote:
I met a woman from an abusive relationship. I was dropping stuff off at a womens shelter. She was there. I noticed she was tall and I am. So I offered her personally if she thought she could use my donated jeans. She was very happy to get jeans not too short for her. I made a point of speaking to her Everytime I was there. Her story was horrifying. Drugs, abuse, lost kids, police interactions. Lost her job, home and pet. Nothing left in her life. Her own family were done with her.
I talked to the people there and I donated cash. We found her job interviews. Searched for ways to get her housing.
Anyway, to cut it shorter, we got her on her feet. I was real proud of myself, til…about 4 months later I saw her being walked outta Walmart in handcuffs. I assume shoplifting.
All that worry and work: Gone.
There’s probably not much you can do to make it better There’s a lot you can do to make it worse. It doesn’t make sense, but she may keep going back no matter how much abuse she is subjected to. It’s an irrational situation. Even if you were a close friend of hers, it could still be very difficult to help in this kind of situation. It’s very unlikely that you’re the only person in the world who can help her. Certainly she has friends and people who are closer to her than you are. They have likely been trying to help her and haven’t yet had success. It’s probably best to completely drop this.
I’ve tried to rescue women from themselves (as in helping them get out of an abusive relationship) in a situation like this. It never works and things end up worse for everyone, including myself. And generally no, I was not trying to replace the boyfriend/husband/whatever,
I’m not saying to do nothing, but unless you’re a professional in this area you’re not equipped. If she’s in imminent danger call the cops (as in, you hear her screaming as he’s threatening her). If you can reach her, send her info for a shelter or hotline. Otherwise you’re not going to be able to do anything.
The urge to help is noble but you aren’t going to be able to help the way you want to.
