Should I call the police on this guy, why or why not?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have an acquaintance for whom I alternately feel sympathy for - she is legitimately disabled and lives on $714 a month - and frustration - she allows her 34-year old son and his girlfriend to live in her house without paying a penny towards rent or other living expenses.

The son and the girlfriend refuse to look for work, donate plasma, or basically do anything at all to pay their way. Son has an Android phone, a crack cocaine habit, smokes cigarettes and has comandeered the only family vehicle.

He and the girlfriend do contribute a teensy amount every month through scrapping (often illegally) and between $100 and $200 a month they get from gummint assistance.

However, very often that money is spent on drugs and smokes; son and girlfriend spend a lot of their time driving the lone family vehicle around the north end of the city hanging out with drug dealers, dog-fighters and other assorted low-lifes. Son does not have a drivers license and has at least one warrant out in another county for non-payment of child support.

Acquaintance is often afraid of the son, who throws violent tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants (use of the vehicle, money for smokes, etc) and also, concurrently, has a sick, unhealthy, over-protective, over-attachment to him. IMHO. She will not tolerate any criticism of the situation, and while acknowledging that she is not doing him any favors by enabling his immature and shitty behaviour, pays lip-service only and nothing has changed for several years.

The acquaintance is a good person in many respects - she has dedicated what’s left of her life to volunteer work, she is a kind person, she is weak but not bad.

Here’s my dilemma - I can completely walk away from the relationship at any time, but while I stop short of calling the acquaintance a true friend, I like her and would like to help “fix” the situation. But I wil NOT be another enabler in the situation.

I can call the cops and give them name, address, vehicle license and description - they may or may not pick son up for the warrant, given that it’s in another county - however, if they do, the lone family vehicle will be impounded and there is NO money to reclaim it. Which really screws up my acquaintance, who owns the vehicle and depends on it to get to doctor and physical therapy visits. There is no reliable or viable public transportation where she lives. Also, while I have it on good faith and evidence that he is involved in drugs, dog-fighting (peripherally and by association, not directly) and illegal scrapping, I don’t have enough detail to give the incredibly overworked and under-funded local police department any clear reason to pick him up.

Of course, now that I have this written down, it looks so obvious - continue backing the fuck away from the entire situation and sick family dynamic (I’ve been doing this over the last several months), disengage and don’t look back.

But I do care about the acquaintance-not-friend, perhaps wrongly, but I do. I think there’s an element of domestic abuse - which is not limited to partner-on-partner - and I really think the druggie son and his nasty little girlfriend ought to be removed from the breeding pool for ever and ever. On the other hand, I suspect my acquaintance has some sort of dysfunctional need for these leeches in her life, and my idea that if son and skanky girlfriend were removed from the situation and then everything will be OK may be dead, completely, wrong, McWrong,wrongitty-effing wrong-o.

I just need some perspective on this. Seems my two choices are: try to affect change, or disengage and not give a crap. I’ve been leaning towards the latter for the last couple of months, but keep getting the sneaky thought I ought to try affecting change because I’m a meddling bitch. :slight_smile:

You guys are a smart lot - what do you think?

2

Who owns the car? I mean whose name is on the title? If it’s hers, then the authorities can’t confiscate it when arresting him, can they?

3

My acquaintance - mom - owns the car.
Druggie son and skanky girlfriend don’t have valid licenses, so they can’t legally register a vehicle.
Yes, they can impound it if it’s being driven by someone who doesn’t have a valid lisence.

4

You can’t help people who won’t help themselves - one of the hardest lessons to learn. Your acquaintance raised her son to be like that, and as you say, she won’t tolerate any meddling. If it gets to be too much for you, to watch the slo-mo trainwreck, totally disengage from her, but if you can set some boundaries and still be a friend to her, maybe you could try that.

5

Thank you. I am trying!
But it is difficult…two years ago I would have solidly classified the person as a friend, now I’ve dialed it back to “acquaintance” but I am at the point where I’m trying to figure out, do I try to meddle/help or do I cut her out of my life?

Neither is an easy choice, but I have a hard time trying to find middle ground. I just can’t ignore the sick situation with the abusive, druggie son.

6

Call when he’s not driving around, see if they can bust him at home rather than driving?

7

Try calling the Attorney General’s office. Ask to talk to someone that deals with cases under your state’s Vulnerable Adult statute. She may or may not qualify as a vulnerable adult under the statute, but they may be able to at least give some advice.

8

You should realize that calling the police probably isn’t going to cause any major changes. The police are probably aware of dozens of people like this guy who are hanging out on the fringes of more serious criminal activity. He might get arrested and even convicted but he’ll probably only spend a month or two in jail and then be put on extended probation.

9

Give the police in the other county (with the warrant) with the information on home address. They might go get him, and even if they don’t, you’ll know you’ve done something. I can understand your desire to help in some way, but within a sick family dynamic, I think your meddling will be unwelcome if you try to become too involved.

I had a friend once who had three young children. She was kind of a mess, but she tried. Then she started dating a guy who liked to push her around. I got a frantic call from her oldest daughter (12 at the time), panicking, at midnight one night because the boyfriend was hitting her mom. I jumped in my car and sped over there, after I called the cops, and they were a couple minutes behind me.

Ex-friend was mad at me for calling the cops. Then a couple months later she said they were getting married. I washed my hands of that and haven’t regretted it one bit. I feel sad for the kids, but I’m sure once that asshole lived in the house, I would never have been welcome there again anyway as long as he was around.

For me, I have found over the years that the philosophy of keeping positive people around you is beneficial, and those who are negative or have negativity seem to follow them are not beneficial and should be left behind.

10

Yeah, I can’t see the police having a lot of interest, though I could be mistaken about that, of course.

I think your best option is to walk away. You said yourself, she seems to have a dysfunctional need for these people in her life. She may feel that he’s all she has. Is he her only child, by any chance. That could be an important element.

11

There is another solution, but it requires commitment on your side. If you truly care, then, without directly getting involved in any way, you can actually make the son’s life a living nightmare, driving the GF away, and ultimately forcing them to do something about their lives. Of course this takes time, patience (a lot of it), an understanding of human psychology, and subtlety…Just so you know I didn’t say it was easy. :wink:

The problem is multiplied many times due to the presence of the female, while drugs alone are more than capable of suppressing sexual urges which drive a person to go and make their path in the world, the fact that there’s no need to even search for a mate makes this so much worse.

Calling the cops just makes the person hate authority that much more, and at the end, they still end up homeless at some point (or face down in an alley due to their so-called “friends”).

Or you could just walk away, which, if you aren’t really wanting to spend time trying to help, then this is the best option in my opinion. :slight_smile:

12

It’s good that you’re a meddling bitch. And you’re a good friend (if not a “true” one)—you haven’t walked away.
First of all, I don’t see why her car would be impounded unless the police got him while he was actually driving.
Call the place that has the warrant (it’s probably a bench warrant;wouldn’t be acted on unless he was apprehended for something else, w/o being nudged.) Let them know where he is. They’ll look for him at his (their) address (hopefully not while he’s in the car…)
Call the Elder Abuse hotline if she’s of age.
Go to websites about Disability rights etc.
Talk to a social worker. They’re on hand at many places that help people.
She really needs somebody to step in and save her from herself.
If she gets mad at you etc, think of it as tough love and you fulfilled your purpose for being there in her life. We don’t always get a Thank You.
And if worse comes to worse and she loses her car, there are groups, agencies, something (I’ve read about them) that provide transportation to dr. appointments and even to get groceries.
You sound strong; she needs your strength.

13

(I’m not even going to try to make the Edit window.) Also, even tho that’s his permanent address, if he doesn’t pay rent she can evict him within 30 days. Just call the courthouse and take the appropiate steps.
As far as the gf is concerned, she’s a fart in the wind. One brief smell and she’s gone.

14

Your heart is in the right place but you’re wasting your time.

You will never fix a codependent, which is what your friend is. It’s never gonna happen. This woman is gonna let her sorryass son run over her til the day she dies. Barring locking someone up in an asylum, you can’t save someone from themself. Short of some kind of earth-shattering spiritual awakening of some sort, she is never going to change.

Assuming you called the cops and they actually did come pick him up (which they probably won’t), all you’re doing is (possibly) creating a situation where she has no transportation, and there are not always people/groups out there who can help with stuff like that. In many places not having a car is about as crippling as having no legs.

You’re gonna hafta walk away. Yeah, it sucks - you’re a good person that wants to help someone in a bad situation. But if they don’t want help, you can either hang out and join in on the enabling, or you can move on to more healthier friends.

15

If she won’t admit there’s a problem, you can’t help her fix it. That’s really it. My grandma developed a similar relationship to her youngest son (my uncle). He drank her social security checks away and played guitar day and night, keeping her awake. They bitched at each other constantly, and lived together until she died at age 70. He died a few months later (age 42) because he was literally incapable of living without her. He had money of his own through social security by then (alcoholism and a cirrhotic liver), so he could have afforded to keep himself in the lifestyle to which he had become accustomed. But they were both agoraphobic shut-ins with only each other for company, and without his mom around he just didn’t have a reason to get up in the morning anymore.

I wouldn’t bother reporting the kid, because it will just hurt your former friend–it won’t stop her from enabling him. It’s pretty sad and fucked up, but there is *literally nothing *that anybody outside a codependent relationship can do to sever that bond. Unless the kid dies or is imprisoned for life, it’ll just pick right up where it left off when he gets out of jail. Except his mom will be in a substantially weaker financial/transportational position.

Out of curiosity, what disability does she have where she can drive a vehicle and volunteer, but simultaneously be unable to work? Is it mental? It’s fine if you don’t want to share, I’m just being nosy.

16

Wide range of opinions here, which makes me feel a bit better about dithering over what to do.

Thanks for the suggestion to contact an Elder Abuse type organization…she’s 56 years old, not sure if that qualifies her. I’ll look into it though. I forgot to mention that druggie son and skanky girlfriend have by now stolen and sold anything of value in the house - a coin collection, jewelry, tools and auto parts, etc. But mom has done nothing, so I suppose that implies consent or something.

She does have another son, but he is functional, works full-time, pretty responsible. From what I gather, he stays in touch but is pretty disgusted with the situation.

I suspect that those of you suggesting that if I try to get some sort of police/legal response not much will happen or change are correct. The change needs to start with Mom and I don’t see that happening. This, basically:

A couple of mutual friends and I have talked about this and have basically decided to be clear about our opinions with Mom, draw definite boundaries (so as not to enable) yet keep lines of communication open in case she decides to change and needs support. It’s really sad. Mom is in poor health, and her health and overall circumstances have dwindled dramatically in the six years I’ve known her. As in, for the last 6-7 weeks they’ve been living without utilities because they got behind and owe Consumers about $900. And winter is coming here in Michigan.

Between them, son and skanky girlfriend could make about $500 a month selling plasma, but they won’t. They’ve lived with her for over a year and make no effort to help. When I asked Mom why the fuck they don’t at least do that, she mumbled something about son being scared of needles or some shit. I used to pass on job opportunities (before I knew how involved son was in drugs) but gave up when I realised nobody ever followed up on them. Neither will look for work, they don’t want to work.

I don’t get it. Sad and frustrating. I don’t know how they’re going to make it through the winter. I vaccilate between feeling sorry for Mom and wanting to smack some sense into her. We used to be good friends when she had her shit together, and she’s been supportive of me a time or two. So it’s hard to walk away completely.

17

Two replaced knees (last surgery was two months ago), bad heart, some sort of vascular thing where she faints and has dizzy spells - that’s when she lost her license - shingles, bad back, high bp, etc. She’s simply in poor health, looks and moves 20 years older than she is.

No mental impairment (beyond what’s gotten her into her current situation) and she is a bright woman who until a few years ago had a lot more going for her. She no longer drives, the volunteering is much diminished and stuff she can do in her house.

18

They certainly can confiscate the vehicle. A friend lent his car to his son who decided to drive to NY. At the border, they searched the car, found one marijuana butt, arrested the son and confiscated the car. The son was let off with a warning, but the friend had to hire a lawyer and undergo considerable expense to get the car back. The fact that the son was not the owner was irrelevant. The son was driving with his permission.

19

Now you’re thinking like a disability adjudicator…

20

If you call the cops on her son, she will ultimately end up hating you for it.

Don’t waste your time trying to change her or the situation. Life’s too short to be consumed by these types.