You and your wife have problems with alcohol and drugs. What? You don’t think so? Well let me give you a few choice examples:
Three years ago, you and your wife showed up visibly drunk to the office Christmas function (held at the Chanhassen Dinner Theatre). During the first act of the play, your wife talked loudly to the actors on the stage. And this was not an interactive production. Your attempts to shut her up worked pretty well during the first act; you had to leave in the middle of the second act. After the play was over, we all went out to the lobby to find that an armoire’s glass door had been broken, there was blood on the floor and an ambulance in the parking lot. Turns out you and your wife had had an argument and she either fell or you pushed her into the armoire. 14 stitches and almost three years later, the wrist looks pretty good. All of this in front of your boss.
Every time you come to our house for our annual party, you are stoned to to the bejeezus belt. You BORE THE FUCK out of me and everyone within earshot with your rambling, pointless stories and trumped-up stoner compliments. “Dude, you are the best worker our boss has. I don’t know why they don’t just put you in charge. You are the best,” and “Gazelle, you are the best wife ever. El Hubbo is so lucky to have you. You are amazing.” After you left this year’s party, I heard from another attendee that both of you were drunk! And your wife was driving! That will NOT happen next year.
Last year, you invited us to your house for a barbeque. You were stoned and drunk when we got there. El Hubbo had to man the grill because you were too impaired to do anything involving fire. I got suckered into babysitting the grandkids while your daughter went out to score <something>… “We’re going to Wal-Mart. Be back in 30 minutes.” Three hours and a five-year-old shitting her pants later, we got the fuck out of there.
I vowed never to go back there, so El Hubbo went to your house by himself on Saturday. When he arrived at 5:00 PM, you sat him down at the table with two other co-workers, filled up his plate and asked him to dig in, you’d be right back. An hour later, you’re nowhere to be seen. El Hubbo notices your wife in the backyard and goes out to talk to her. She’s drunk and bawling. You interrupt to tell him that maybe it’s time for him to go home. Another co-worker told El Hubbo that he showed up a couple hours later only to find you and your wife in a drunken screaming match.
Hel-fucking-lo! You have problems! Get some fucking help! Next year you will be getting a call from me to remind you that one of you must be the designated driver. I don’t care how embarrassing or uncomfortable it is for you or my husband. You kill yourself or someone else and I won’t be able to forgive myself.
Do this, and don’t care about embarrassing them. If my sister-in-law and her (now-ex) husband are any indicator, people like this find it all too easy to ignore/brush off subtlety. I don’t think the suggestion of AA pamphlets will help, either, though it’s probably worth a shot. Those two would drink all evening, then start fighting. When SIL or her husband would call our place, drunk and complaining about the other person, my husband started saying flat out, “You need to get rid of the alcohol.” Both of them said, “I can’t do that.” My husband then said something to the effect of, “Then don’t call me again with relationship complaints until you’ve done this. I’ve told you what I think the problem is, and my advice won’t change.” Aside from one or two more calls - which my husband responded to with repeating his ultimatum and hanging up - the drunken “so-and-so is such a jerk” calls stopped.
If you can manage similar things like “We are not babysitters, you left your child with us at 8:19, said you’d be gone a few minutes, and it is now 11:42; do this again and we will _______ (whatever you think is appropriate)”, it might at least decrease the stress on you, if not get some sense into their heads. (Probably not the latter - the aforementioned SIL and her husband didn’t stop drinking, finally divorced, and my SIL’s drunken/drugged antics inspired the first post in my new LiveJournal.)
Why do you go to their house and they come to yours? I can understand that there’s only so much you can do about a Christmas party, but you shouldn’t have to socialize with them at your house or you going to their house.
My husband invites his entire workplace to our house for our annual party. I seriously don’t mind if they come, but they better have a designated driver next year. Period.
As far as me going over there, I don’t and I won’t. I didn’t go this past weekend. El Hubbo likes his co-worker. I don’t really dislike the man, but I find his stoned rambling incredibly annoying. I’m not sure what level of drama would cause my husband to stop going over there when he’s invited.
You are not going to impact them. You are not close enough to have much effect. Besides, they are still having to much fun to look at what is most likely a serious problem.
Take care of you and yours. They will either realize they have a problem, jointly or separately and get some help or they won’t.
Gazelle may not impact them now, but if her input is part of an accumulation of feedback over time by many different people, it may one day cause them to pause and reflect. Or not.
Otherwise I agree that the OP’er should say what she needs to say for herself and her family, and don’t worry if it doesn’t affect their behavior.
Back in the stone ages (1960s and before), “stoned” was sometimes used to mean drunk. But these days, it certainly refers to marijuana.
It’s just good to know that “stoned” used to have another common usage—sort of like it’s good to know that “gay” had another common usage. And “made love” meant something different in the 1920s and before than it does now–it was roughly equivalent to “hit on.” So if some guy was sweet-talking you, you might say “he made love to me all night!” when you just meant that he was flirting with you.
“I went to such a gay party the other day! We all got stoned and made love to each other!” Heh.
Sure it does, it’s called “hitting bottom.” My sister-in-law hasn’t yet done that. She’s back with a boyfriend who abused her (and who she’d pressed charges against); our guess is that, among other things, he probably provides her with drugs. Her parents bailed her out of nearly getting evicted from her apartment. She’s in her 40s now; I’m just wondering when the bottom will come for her.
Like QtM said, it might help, it might not. Do what you have to, for yourself and your family.
Just to echo Ferret Herder, it certainly does exist. To see an addict/alcoholic finally reach that level of pitiable and incomprehensible demoralization where all rationalizations finally fail, and denial cannot be sustained any longer is truly gut-wrenching. To be an addict/alcoholic at that point is even more painful. But that’s when the individual can finally be reached.
I’ve seen a lot of people fail to sober up, but I’ve seen almost as many succeed in getting well. I’ve worked with the addict/alcoholic population for nearly 20 years, both the sober and non-sober kind, plus those trying to get well. And I’ve recently been invited by my state Medical Society to join their Impaired Physician monitoring board, to supervise doctors trying to recover from addiction.
Of course, in some ways, it’s easier to get a doctor’s attention. The state Medical Society says to the doc: “We have a report that you are an impaired physician, and we want to meet with you”. Said doc replies: “No. I don’t have any problems, and I’m too busy to meet with you”. Society: “OK, then we’ll be reporting you to the Medical Examining Board with a recommendation that your license be suspended, then”. Doc: “When did you say you would like me to meet with you?”
Heck, even if one doesn’t see the light right away, one sure can feel the heat!
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Of course, in some ways, it’s easier to get a doctor’s attention. The state Medical Society says to the doc: “We have a report that you are an impaired physician, and we want to meet with you”. Said doc replies: “No. I don’t have any problems, and I’m too busy to meet with you”. Society: “OK, then we’ll be reporting you to the Medical Examining Board with a recommendation that your license be suspended, then”. Doc: “When did you say you would like me to meet with you?”
Heck, even if one doesn’t see the light right away, one sure can feel the heat! **
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Right. If you are in a position to put the “heat” on the alcoholic then you can and certainly should. This woman is the wife of a co-worker… she will be doing a one-shot thing that can have serious repercussions on her and hers and will help this couple not one iota. She needs of leave this alone and keep her and hers as far away from this disaster waiting to happen as possible.
Bullshit. Hitting bottom is not the result of any accumulation of feedback. Hitting bottom is when it hurts so bad you don’t have any other choice but to at least look at getting help. And when you get to that point, if you get to that point it ain’t from somebody telling you you might have a problem and you don’t remember people telling you that you have a problem.
This woman is a wife of a co-worker and should probably consider ust staying the fuck away from these people.
That was sarcastic in tone, mostly. However, once someone decides to get some help, whether through hitting bottom or wising up before that point, it might just register in their heads that they’ve been told about certain resources before. Being pointed at them could make the route back to sobriety smoother.
