My wife is pissed at me ... okay, eff me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So …

Advice from you longtime married people? Preferably you “older” married people?

Efffffff… is it fair for me to say that the SDMB is my family? I’ve been here for 13+ years, and I have posted some stupid threads, and y’all have rightly roasted me when I’ve been stupid. And I was stupid tonight. So roast me. But give me some advice while you’re at it.

My wife is an alcoholic, and so am I.

The difference between my alcoholism and my wife’s is that I can get drunk tonight, and I’ll wake up in the morning and go to work, and I’ll do my job. And I will go for weeks without drinking. If my work schedule (which is different every week) makes it so that it would be best that I not drink, I won’t drink.

But, goddammit, if I don’t have to be to work early tomorrow, then FUCK YEAH! I’ll drink.

I’m 50 years old, and I work in an industry that is rife with chemically-dependent people (foodservice). And, mentally, I have absolutely no patience with people who don’t show up for work / call in sick because they have a hangover. Despite my constant drinking in my 20s, and my constant hangovers, I ALWAYS SHOWED THE FUCK UP TO WORK. My position was, “I made myself sick last night? No excuse to not show up for work.” If I sinned last night, I’ll endure the penalty today and do my damn job, even if it hurts. (Admittedly, much of this was based on the fact that I got paid by the hour, and if I didn’t work, I didn’t get paid). Unfortunately, since I was the guy who always showed up, that made me the guy who got called on my days off to cover a shift because somebody else called in “sick”. I guess that educated me, for what it was worth. I always enjoyed being the “mocker” when I got off work after getting called in to cover a “sick” coworker’s shift … only to find that “sick” coworker sitting in the bar, drinking.

I’m a “functional alcoholic”.

My wife is … a completely non-functional alcoholic.

If my wife gets drunk tonight … she’s going to be drunk tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day…

FUCK!

This is where I am completely ignorant.

Please, fellow Dopers, you’ve dogpiled on me in the past, but I beg you to show some compassion. I’m a fucking 50-year-old dumbass who has finally gotten married for the first time, and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.

I’ve watched my wife get “set off” by some conversation with her parents, and start drinking, and fuck me if I can understand it, even being an alcoholic myself. She starts drinking, and then drinks some more, and then she gets sick to the point that she’s vomiting it out as fast as she can drink it in, but even while she’s puking she wants to drink more.

And I get put in this awkward position where I’m telling her, “Baby, STOP!” and she begs me to go buy her some more booze, and I see how sick she is and I say, “NO” and then she starts begging and begging and begging me to go get her some more alcohol, and I find myself in this horrible, horrible position of trying to find the lesser evil.

As an interjection, as an alcoholic, I can understand drinking until I puke. But I cannot understand drinking until I puke … and then wanting more alcohol. As much as I love to drink, once I’ve gotten so drunk that I start puking, something inside of me says, “okay, that’s enough”. And experience generally makes me stop drinking before I get to the point of puking.

So, back from the interjection … I find myself in this awkward position of being a fucking drunk who is trying to mitigate an even worse fucking drunk. I know, I’m leading up to sounding self-righteous.

But goddammit, when my wife starts drinking, she’s totally useless for a few days.

And that is where I fucked up today.

A couple weeks ago, she said (sober) that I shouldn’t bring alcohol home while she’s trying to stay sober.

And I fucked up tonight. I got off work and wanted to come home and listen to Game 7 of the World Series, and I brought home some beer.

And she got pissed at me for doing that, and fuck me if she didn’t go get drunk herself, and she took the car keys, and somehow managed to lose them (don’t worry, she’s safe at home) somewhere in the 10 feet between where she parked the car and our front door, and now my car keys are gone, along with the front door key, and two keys to my church.

And now I’m beating myself up for prompting this shit, and my wife is mad at me, and our poor cat that we just got is fucking confused.

2

You knew going into this marriage that there were psychiatric and substance abuse issues, and yet despite the extensive advice from a wide variety of posters AND the intercession of your pastor, you pressed forward with a hasty marriage. You have absolutely no choice but to take the time now to do what you should have done then- GET COUNSELING FOR BOTH OF YOU. Your pastor can do marital counseling (which will be extremely helpful), but the substance abuse aspect is out of his league and needs to be handled by a professional. You have a history of dismissing the level of impact your drinking has on you, your decision making, and now your spouse. You need to be willing to get help yourself if you want to be helpful to her- otherwise you’re a hypocrite of the highest order. If that means girding your loins and not drinking anymore, that’s damn sure what you do.

IIRC your wife is facing some serious health issues. She is not doing herself any favors by drinking. Talk to her doctors or, if she is being seen routinely at a hospital, to the medical social worker. They will help you find appropriate low-cost treatment.

3

You should always keep your car keys isolated from your other keys.

4

May I ask, (as an alcoholic marrying another alcoholic, against the advice of all and sundry!), how exactly did you invision this dynamic playing out?

Did you imagine one of you would quit? Lead the other to sobriety?

It NEVER crossed your mind that you were certainly hastening a rather distasteful demise, for each of you in turn? REALLY? You didn’t have even an inkling that your influence upon each other would be to drink even more?

Where do you think high functioning alcoholics end up anyway? My dad was one. Drank a quart of scotch a day. For decades. While holding down an executive position. But no one escapes reality. And sooner or later the steely determination to work through the hangover doesn’t matter anymore. Mostly because once the tipping point is reached the brain just begins to malfunction from being pickled in booze for too many years. And the booze has emotionally stunted/damaged them so they can only become delusional/rage filled, when it finally does manifests. And it will. Once the mind is unstable and the emotions deranged, there isn’t much hope for any kind of turn around. By this point the family is forced to just watch as the inevitable unfolds before them.

And it sounds to me like your bride is right there. (And you couldn’t see any of it coming? Really?)

Tell us again how you’re so ‘high functioning’.
(Pretty sure you’re actually drifting into delusional, and not far behind her!)

5

Both of you need professional help, last year. The kind of help you need goes beyond message board advice from anyone, regardless of age or marital status. This isn’t trying to pick a splinter out of her finger when she won’t hold still. This is more like trying to perform a heart transplant on her with no anesthesia while you’re wearing oven mitts and a blindfold.

Just like it takes a whole team of experts to do a heart transplant, it’s going to take a team of experts to even try and salvage this situation. Mrs. Rik needs substance abuse counseling. So do you, both to help yourself and to understand how to help her. She needs therapy to address her other mental health issues. So do you, same reasons. Marriage counseling is a must.

Oh, and no “but how are we supposed to afford that?” nonsense. Low cost or free help is out there, and besides, you can put the money you won’t be spending on booze from now on towards it. :wink:

Finally, regardless of your religious beliefs or desire to save your marriage, please realize that divorce might wind up being the only option. Even the best heart surgeon loses a patient once in a while.

6

Rik, you can’t call yourself high-functioning anymore. Think of it this way: one of the definitions of alcoholism is continuing to drink in the face of consequences. All of the marital chaos that you’re describing here is the consequence of your continuing to drink.

When you were single, you could define the parameters of your alcoholism purely in terms of its effect on you, but now that you’re married, the effect of your drinking on your wife necessarily has to be part of your thinking.

Please get help. This is too much for you and her to take on by yourselves.

7

I’m not an expert on various medical, clinical, psychological, social or other possible definitions of alcoholism, so I’ll take your word that you’re an alcoholic. But if you and your wife are indeed both alcoholics, it appears that you are two quite different types. It is apparent that your wife should never drink alcohol, as it sets off ugly, destructive, extended binges. You seem to be able to go days and weeks without alcohol, and also to still work and function the next day. But if you want to remain married, it looks like you will have to completely give up drinking.

I have a friend in a similar predicament. He has drank all of this life. I have no reason to think he’s an alcoholic, but he has drank since high school. His wife, on the other hand, is an alcoholic. So, they have quit going to bars, and they never bring alcohol into the house. He has quit drinking so that his wife stays sober. The only time he drinks is if he goes away for several days on fishing, hunting or golfing trips. I think you need to do the same.

8

If you love her, you will quit drinking and get her to quit drinking. (This will require professional help.)
If you love her, you will get some therapy for** both of you** to learn how to communicate better.
If you love her, you will make her your priority, and hopefully she will in turn make you her priority.
If you love her, you will improve yourself for her.

If you don’t love her, then get out of the relationship and go chase that 20 something year old tail you keep harping about.

9

Hey, Rik. Hubby and I aren’t older than you guys, but we are recovering alcoholics. My heart goes out to you- getting this monkey under control is difficult as the dickens. It is possible, though.

Here, I can’t really give you direct advice on your situation, but can share what’s helped us- and, for the record, we fell off the bandwagon (separately and together) many, many times before getting to the point where I consider us “recovering”. (Interestingly, we’ve had the same dynamic as you guys- husband most often was the one stuck with going out and buying booze.)

  1. You cannot control what the other person does, but you can make it easier for them to not do it. Distract, plant for activities that get you out of the rut, and, if all else fails, remove yourself from their company when they go off the deep end and their behavior starts triggering you like crazy. Going for a walk together around the block/to a nearby park when they’re in the “get me more beer” stage is great, if you’re in a safe enough neighborhood to do so.

  2. Never keep alcohol in the house. ABSOLUTELY no 40s. Period. Ice cream and salted fish are totally acceptable substitutes.

  3. When the craving hits, we’re allowed to go out and get a beer or two (or liquor equivalent) to take the edge off- with presumption that each beer lasts about an hour. This does a fairly good job of NOT putting us into an “all-or-nothing” binge situations. Since beers-out are so much more expensive, this is kind of limiting financially, as well. These ‘go out for a beer’ occasions happen once or twice a week, these days.

  4. Personally, delving into things that triggered me (crappy family, among other things), and exploring them logically when sober, really helped. (As did reading an advice blog or three). Alcohol abuse seems like self-medication gone overboard, when faced with unbearable current/past conditions, so until those things get the time and attention they deserve, alcoholism would be so much harder to tackle, too.

  5. Social engagement really helps, though it seems like you guys have church for that already. I’m generally a fan of volunteering/taking classes… having a dog really helps with getting to know people around you, too.

Good luck.

10

Tell her she must stop drinking or you will leave her.

If she does not stop drinking, then decide if you want to continue with these problems or leave her.

Simple as that!

11

Wrong order.

Decide if you will leave her if she doesn’t stop drinking.

If you will, then tell her that.

And get help for yourself. Alcoholism is a treatable disease, but you must be willing to put yourself into the hands of those doing the treating, and cooperating with their efforts on your behalf.

12

I just want to drop this here, and point out that it took six months, not 12.

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=19219311&postcount=24

13

Find another women, this one will either take care of herself or she won’t. Anything less is enabling. You’re not qualified to help this person.
I have seen alcoholism destroy people in very heinous ways…it goes on for years and can end very badly.

14

I dunno, I guess UK attitudes to booze are a bit different. But I would start by making each day a new day and not bring alcohol into the house at all. Don’t make a big drama out of it just small changes daily will add up. Go to the pub together as Waxwinged suggested for a drink or two if you absolutely must.

15

“Take two, they’re small”

16

Agreed… “Every day is a new day” is a great attitude to take. No sense in beating yourself up about stuff you can no longer change.

17

The only thing I can advise is that people recovering from addiction are very likely to have relapses. Ideally, you won’t, but realistically, it happens. So if there are relapses, I don’t think it’s very productive to place blame on one person for causing it - it’s a symptom of a disease. The disease is ultimately the core problem and anger, guilt and grudges are not going to be helpful in any way.

On the other hand, understand that there are triggers for the disease and learn how you can help each other to avoid relapses. You both have to be equally committed to do what’s necessary. If you agree to no alcohol in the house, then you have to live up to that.

Beyond that… don’t count on willpower or the rational mind to beat this, for either of you. In particular, an alcoholic insisting that they’re not the one with the problem is practically symptom number one for “you do have a problem.” You guys both need some professional help.

18

Hi Rik, I have zero firsthand marital or alcoholic experience, so my thoughts may be worse than useless, but, how well would a cold-turkey approach work for both of you? It seems like both of you (your wife more so) may need a radical approach but one wouldn’t want medical dangerous stuff like delirium tremens either. Would this be a big step in the right direction, or would going cold turkey just send both of you off the rails and wreck everything altogether?

19

Going cold turkey for an alcoholic can be fatal.

20

That’s a really confusing statement of probabilities. I think it means .15 (people with problems with alcohol) x .5 (alcoholics who experience withdrawal symptoms) x .04 (severe withdrawals) x .15 (death), which equals .00045 or 1 in 2,222.