Recovering alcoholics, is your whole household dry?

In My Humble Opinion
1

We’ve got a married couple as friends, they’ve got lots of problems.

The woman is attempting to be a former alcoholic - that is to say - she gives the “I’m not drinking any more” speech a lot but is still sneaking drinks. It’s not an every day thing. I think we’re dealing with an emotional addition, not a physical one at this stage. They’ve got kids who’re being negatively affected by the drinking. Her marriage, and potentially her custody of the kids, is riding on her ability to get dry.

The husband, though, keeps alcohol around the house, in a fridge that is occaisionally locked. He’s of several ever-changing positions on this.

  1. If she’s true to her promise, then the beer & liquor need-not be locked up.
  2. Lock it up to prevent her from getting to it.
  3. Don’t have it in the house at all.

#3 is the rarest position. He sees the alcohol in the house both good hospitality and good business - a celebratory shot is used when a business transaction is completed (I’m being obtuse for privacy’s sake).

#1 & #2 are the frequently alternating arguments. I think it reflects his frustration with the whole situation. I think when he’s mad at her, he’s giving her enough rope to hang herself by leaving the fridge unlocked. When he’s sympathetic, he locks things away.

His wife alternates between being angry when the fridge is locked, “He should trust me”, and being angry when it’s unlocked, “He should be more sympathetic my temptation.”

When the fridge has been unlocked, it seems she’s been sneaking drinks & watering down the remainder. She’s cheating her Antabuse so she can sneak drink. We think she’s also managing to hide some someplace in the house, probably transferred to an innocent looking container.

So, for those of you who’ve been through this, how much temptation is it to have any alcohol in the house at all? Should she be trusted with an unlocked liquor cabinet, a locked one, or just have none in the house?

I’m of the opinion that if he was doing everything possible then he’d just toss it all. As a visitor to his house, I wouldn’t be offended if I was handed a Mountain Dew instead of a beer. I realize that she can still go out to a liquor store & buy something so it’s not a cure for her problem. I just think that, if I can reference my own tendency to snack, having it close at hand increases the temptation.

2

Sounds to me like she’s going to drink whether he keeps it in the house or not.

I think it’s wise to keep the house free of alcohol until the alcoholic gets some time under their belt. After time has passed, it becomes less of a temptation.

3

Hoo boy. I’ve been sober almost ten years, and would be quite uncomfortable (ie tempted) with alcohol in the house. I can go out to bars and restaurants, and be in friends’ homes, with people having a few and it really doesn’t bother me.
But in my own house, nuh-uh, no way.

Quite frankly, it sounds as if Hubby is being a real prick, and Mrs isn’t being all too honorable either.
Armchair shrink hat on - seems like there’s some deep seated problems in this marriage, and her half-assed attempt at sobriety is a waste of time.
Antabuse - was this court-ordered?

4

I’ve been sober 8 years, but every Friday when she gets home after work, my wife still has a single glass of wine (which she rarely finishes). We keep one or two bottles of wine in the house, which I also use for cooking.

That being said, I would not have done this early in my sobriety. And for some people never is the best policy. All recovering alcoholics are different, and all work the program the way it works best for them. I’ve known recovering alcoholics who work as bartenders. That would be too much, even for me.

5

I agree with “deep-seated problems”. I only see the surface but they’re pretty screwed up.

The Antabuse was his arrangement with her as a requirement for the resolution of their separation.

6

Sounds like she’s not ready to quit yet. My husband quit about 9 years ago and no amount of alcohol in the house could make him drink again. He’s simply done with it.

It appears she’s doing it because he’s threatened her. She knows she needs to stop in order to keep the kids, but she’s not emotionally ready to let go of it. He’s being rather sadistic about it if you ask me. He’s tempting her so he can make her look weak to herself and everyone else.

It’s a pretty fucked up deal. One alternative would be for her to go into rehab. She’d be away from him and the booze for a period of time.

7

I live with a recovering alcoholic. Not only is our home dry, I’m not allowed to drink anywhere lest she smell alcohol on me.

8

I noticed a few nights ago there was a beer in my fridge. This is, AFAIK, left over from a bf I broke up with about two and a half years ago. Does beer go bad? I might as well toss it.

I’ve been sober about 20 years, though. There’s no universal rule – some people are comfortable being around alcohol being consumed in moderation, some people aren’t. In general, it’s a bad idea for any recovering alcoholic, regardless of the length or quality of his or her sobriety, to be around people who are drinking heavily on any kind of regular basis. Let’s just say I tend to be one of the early departures at some parties.

As others have commented, it sounds like there’s some serious bullshit being pulled here on both sides. If the woman truly wants to get sober, the ideal is that people who love her will act in a way that she’s comfortable with. That’s about as close as you can come to a general rule.

9

Hmmm. Yes, I thought the wavering on the locking it up sometimes/leaving it out/removing it from the house sounded…hostile. Certainly doesn’t indicate any real committment to helping her get and stay sober, does it?
On the other hand, it can be really difficult living with an alcoholic who’s still struggling with it - ask my ex husband, I’m sure he’s agree…! So maybe the husband isn’t as hostile as he sounds.
Wife certainly isn’t being very honest, which isn’t helping matters.
Is there some sort of peer or group counseling - maybe alanon for him, at least? Not that counseling is a magic bullet, but from the sounds of it this whole thing isn’t going to work. Not to mention, it’s got to be pretty stressful for the children.
Sounds like they need to be pulling together as a unit towards the goal of her being sober, and she’s got to get it her head, not just through chemically induced abstinence. Which isn’t working.
Oh and one final point; important, I think.
It’s not just her problem. There’s a tendency (in my experience) for the non-drinking partner to absolve themself of all responsibility, and to make the drinking partner feel really guilty. She probably feels like shit already, and if she’s being blamed for everything wrong in the marriage, she probably really feels like shit. Which isn’t going to make sobriety any easier.

Sorry if that was a bit rambling…this sounds so much like my (defunct) marriage, so I can sort of relate. Right down to the lying about drinking. :frowning: Trust me, that is *not * a hopeful sign.

10

From the sound of it, the drinking could be a symptom of a fucked up relationship as easily as the fucked up relationship could be a symptom of the drinking. You’re right about the pulling together. If he’s dropping the entire responsibility on her, that’s fine (he can’t quit for her, after all). But if he really wanted her to sober up so they could be a family, he’d at least be consistent rather than dangling the carrot in front of her when he wants to trip her trigger.

11

At the risk of sounding like one of “those people,” it sounds to me like the husband has a bit of a drinking problem himself. Either that or he really does want her to fail. What loving person couldn’t confine his boozing to outside the house for a while, if that’s what she needs.

However, it is incredibly easy to blame continued drinking on stress or rationalize it because “he’s making me.” When you get to the hiding and watering down stage, it’s all about the alcohol. She can’t stop until she truly realizes that it is bringing her nothing but grief.

12

For various reasons I quit drinking totally for 10 years. This after about 10 years of frequent alchohol abuse. I continued going to bars and parties with my still drinking buddies throughout this period, often assuming the designated driver role. I was not tempted to start drinking again and in fact, being around shit-faced people reinforced my desire to stay sober. I didn’t want to drink and I didn’t.
Eventually I decided to resume drinking but it was a carefully considered decision and in my case has worked out OK.

(If someone is a recovering alchoholic I would NEVER recommend they ever try drinking, STAY ON THE WAGON!!)

I guess my point is that you can’t make someone quit if they don’t want to or tempt them into drinking if they’re determined not to, IMHO.

13

As mentioned numerous times before, 15.5 years sober here. For the first several years of sobriety and coinciding marriage, I would not purchase alcohol at all. If hub wanted a beer he had to go to the liquor store and buy one. I don’t like beer anyway so that wouldn’t have been a temptation, but had he come home with a bottle of vodka I might have been offended.

I have no desire to drink now, but have the occasional curiousity about the taste of new drinks that sound so, well, yummy. I don’t think I ever had a fuzzy navel, but had lots of sex on the beaches! Also, the flavored vodkas now are intriguing. I’m certain that I would have loved them but probably couldn’t have afforded them then, counting pennies (literally) and all for a pint.

Back to OP, my house is now not “dry”. I buy my husband a 18-pack every other weekend and that lasts him thru the weeks. I’ve seen him impaired only once. It was horrible. Idiot actually wanted to drive. I called the cops.

I’m of the camp that woman’s husband doesn’t really want her to get well. If he did, he would go out of his way to make things easier for her. He probably has control issues and knows as long as she’s a drunk, she’ll be a bit complacent, if not totally unmotivated to better herself. She probably can’t see the “better” yet. If she’s still hiding booze then she’s not ready to get well. God, the hiding. Nothing quite like it to induce deep-seated guilt and general feeling of shittiness.

14

Preach it sister.
That reminds me of another thing. I read someplace (no cite, it was a long time ago but rang true) that it’s not uncommon for the marriage to fall apart after the drinking partner gets sober. In many ways (control/dependency) it shifts the whole…partnership & family dynamic. Not only does the drinking partner have to change their ways, but the non-drinking partner has to change also. Because it changes everything in little ways, so both have to adapt to new paradigms.

This fit perfectly with what happened in my marriage. I was alcoholic when we were dating, but it was not a huge problem. Once we were married and living in the same house, it became a huge problem. Nothing like having your dearly beloved black out drunk on a regular basis… :rolleyes: And yes, I felt tremendously guilty and awful. But, Mr liked the…control, superiority, caretaking aspect, I guess.
Within six months of my quitting, it all fell apart and we divorced.

15

When I quit drinking, I was more than happy with alcohol in the house. For the first 6 months or so, I relied (to a certain extent) on the drug I was taking (like Antabuse) to make sure I didn’t drink at all. After that, it was all willpower (and still is).

I have always been happy with other people drinking around me, in bars, restaurants, parties and my house. I never wanted anyone to behave any differently just because I wasn’t drinking. I encourage my friends to drink. Shortly after I quit I went on holiday with some Uni mates for partying and clubbing - and I was buying them drinks, extra vodkas etc - I wanted them to have a good time.

Having said that, that’s just me. It sounds like this woman needs the support from her husband, and perhaps a firmer stance on alcohol in the house (including him making sure she’s not sneaking some). I’m now of the opinion that I get more benefits from not drinking than there are downsides. Sure, I miss trying new drinks, or even the flavour of my old favourites - but I don’t get hangovers!

I found quitting a horrible, horrible experience, both physically and emotionally. But boy was it worth it! I hope this woman can come out the other side and stabilise her life.

16

Well - the hubby hates it when she drinks. When he suspects she’s managed to sneak a drink, he searches for a hidden bottle, often in front of her. Sometimes she’s come near me and seems to smell of alcohol, although she claims that she hasn’t drunk anything.

They may have had a breakthrough a day ago. He was woken iun the early morning by her shaking the bed, apparently she was in a full, frothing-at-the-mouth-type siezure. The ER Doctor believes it might be a bad interaction between a medicine she’s on (not the Antabuse) and the alcohol she’s been sneaking.

The husband now knows where she’s been hiding it - in his youngest child’s bedroom. My wife, who’s close to this family, says the that woman involved may have just had a moment of clarity caused by this. We can only hope, I guess.

17

IANARA, but a couple of my friends who are are very strict about it in their homes. No drinking alcohol, rubbing alcohol, nail polish remover, cold medicine w/alcohol, etc.

Reminds me of when I worked at the homeless svcs org; we accepted shoeboxes of toiletries but specifiied no aftershave: “we have plenty”. The gentle way to say we don’t want the guys to chug it.

18

IANARA either, but we have dear friends, a married couple, who both are. They have no alcohol in their home. Ever. But they’re fine (or seem to be, but they’re not such good actors that they could fool us, methinks) when visiting our house or those of others, and there’s drinking going on.

19

When I got sober 15 years ago, I was living with my parents. They cleaned out every bit of alcohol and it was at least a year before they drank in front of me at home.

Seeing bottles or people drinking doesn’t bother me a bit, and never has. I want to be sober more than anything. But I have known countless “newcomers” who couldn’t handle it.

I have served alcohol to people in my house. They finished it or it went in the garbage.

My “guidebook” to this thing says that once recovered, we can go anywhere and do anything, without fear or trepidation. That’s how it’s been for me, but it was hard work to get there.