I need to get this out

In My Humble Opinion
1

I don’t know where this post belongs so Mods, I’m sorry.

I’m 36 years old and have been married for 12 years. I have a wonderful 4 year old daughter.

I’ve long suffered with depression and anxiety. I struggle the most with a social phobia. I work outside the home full time and do ok but I have a really hard time in any social situations and tend to avoid them. I’ve been in and out of therapy for over 13 years but never really found a therapist that I liked or that I truly felt was helping. So I started self medicating.

I’ve been using marijuana on and off for 8-10 years and I’ve been a daily smoker for probably the past 5 years. I use it to self medicate for depression but mostly for anxiety. I also take Paxil daily for both.

After my miscarriage (6 months ago) I started abusing alcohol. I’ve long been a drinker but it progressed from occasionally on weekends to a couple of times a week and since the miscarriage, it’s been a daily thing. I am never falling down drunk or having blackouts or anything like that but after work, I’ve come to depend on having a drink. As soon as I get home, I have a drink. Then I have 2-3 more. My DH knows that I have been drinking a lot but I’ve been hiding it from him as well.

I hate myself for this but I just don’t feel normal anymore unless I’m not sober. I come home and have a drink and sometimes a toke and my mood is better, I’m more patient with DD, and get along better with DH. It’s so much easier to just self medicate this way. It’s quick and easy and does the job. But I know it’s becoming a real problem and I don’t know how to get out of this downward sprial. Lately I’ve notice that my tolerance has gone way up (down?) and it takes much more alcohol for me to catch a buzz. This scares me A LOT and I know things have to change.

I think I really need to get into therapy again. I want to come clean with my family doctor too about my drinking but I’m afraid I’ll have my kid taken away or something like that. I just don’t know what move to make next. It’s so much easier to just keep going the way things are.

2

You sound EXACTLY like me (except I don’t have a kid).

Last year I also started drinking more, and was hiding bottles of vodka in the house to take a nip from every hour or so when the DH was home. I’d drink wine on the nights he was at work. My tolerance has gone up as well, to the point where I can drink a mickey of vodka or a bottle or two of wine in an evening (about 2.5 to 3.5 hours) and still get up the next day for work.

My downward spiral started around the time I had a miscarriage as well. It got worse, and the DH eventually found out just how bad it was (I also started smoking again around this time, about 5 a day or so) and almost left me. So, I cut back for a while, but then just became better at hiding it. I kept on drinking, although not quite as much, until Christmas this past year, when I went to visit my family. They drink a LOT. I don’t want to be like them.

So, I told myself I’d only drink during the weekend, and only two glasses of wine, no more. I also stopped smoking again and started going to the gym and running.

I’ve been doing ok so far with a few exceptions, but last week I again had a miscarriage and feel myself slipping. I made an appointment with my old therapist for tomorrow to try to talk it out.

It all comes back to depression and a bit of OCD with me. However, I’ve been in a similar position before (except it was anorexia - sure didn’t drink then!) and clawed my way out and got healthy. I’m confident I can do it again.

I think in your case you know that what you are doing is wrong, you just need the help. Can you ask your husband for help? Sometimes when we’re at this point it’s almost embarrassing to ask them for help, but it’s always the right step. Don’t try to do it on your own, it can be too stressful. You’re taking the right steps, and right in time. Don’t let this drag you down any further then it has already.

Honestly, one of my biggest motivators to stop and get help is that I often can’t even remember talking to people on the phone and promises that I made in the evenings. It’s embarrassing.

3

It sounds like you know you have a problem and that you know that you need help. And having a kid is a big responsibility that it’s hard to deal with if you’re always stoned or drunk. So you need to come clean with yoursef and others – and I suspect that in the longer term, you are more likely to keep your kid and bring her up well if you come clean now, than if you remain in some kind of denial.

4

Thanks for the replies.

EmAnJ, I’m sorry about your miscarriages. That was a real low point in my life.

I feel like for so long I have been making excuses. I never felt like a “drunk” because I go to work every day, rarely have hangovers and most of the time, people around me can’t even tell I’ve been drinking. I too have been hiding it around the house. I get home 2-3 hours before DH does and I have 2-4 drinks in that time. It’s probably more than that - I tend to pour a huge glass of wine and call it “one drink”. I can drink a bottle without too much difficulty although I usually stop at 1/2 - 3/4 of a bottle. I combine that with marijuana.

5

Al-Anon will be better able to help you with proper resources and counseling and stuff.

I can offer my email inbox, though, anytime if you feel like talking. hugs tight

6

That’s how I am too. “I’m not an alcoholic because I don’t miss work and I haven’t stopped socializing or anything.” But I am because I hide it, don’t tell anyone about it, and NEED it (in my case, to fall asleep). If you feel like you can’t go without, you are addicted.

7

Actually, Al-Anon is for the family/friends of the alcoholic. AA is where the OP might find some support.
There are plenty of alcoholics that get up and go to work everyday. I should know, I was one of them. I would combine alcohol with percs or vicodin and away we go.
If the OP thinks she may have a problem, that is a huge flag. The counselor at my program says to do 90 days without drinking. If you can do it, you may not be an alcoholic. If doing 90 days gives you difficulty than you most likely have a problem.

8

Man, this is not my day. Thanks, Cattitude. :slight_smile: The proper link would be here.

9

From the little I know (completely secondhand) about addiction, this is a pretty huge red flag. As I understand it, addiction is not about the amount you use, but the inability to stop, even in the face of consequences.

I think the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to go to an AA meeting. Just start with attending one, to talk to some people who know a lot more than you or I about addiction. Tell them your story, express your fears (e.g. about losing your child), get their advice. If you are facing addiction, they’ll have both advice and support. If not, no harm done.

10

There is a book that I’ve recommended before to people in your situation. I think it would be particularly meaningful to you because the author, Carolyn Knapp, had a similar experience to yours – being a successful working woman and a functional alcoholic. Her book is called Drinking: A Love Story, and you can read an excerpt from it at Amazon.com. You should know that Carolyn ultimately went to AA and got sober.

11

Go to AA–to a women’s meeting if you can find one, but any meeting will do. (Hiding drinks is a more typical female pattern.) There will be someone there with a story so similar to yours it will shock you. There will also be people there intimately familiar with the way alcholism progresses–which it does. You have a chance to get out from under this relatively easily now–take it.

The standard answer to "I haven’t had blackouts, driven drunk, missed work, etc., etc., etc. is “yet.”

12

Good luck to you, baileygrrrl. I agree, you are kind of stuck and getting stucker.

You can pull out of it all, and it’s easier with help.

I’m 21 and a half years sober today. And I’m not very disciplined or anything. You say many things that I think sound correct about yourself, that sound reasonable and perceptive. You sound to me like somebody who can do it, for whatever that may be worth. By all means, start.

Going out on a limb, here, but - logically, if you are afraid of getting help because it might trigger other people intervening with your little girl for her sake, then, what you’re doing would be keeping it a secret to protect yourself at your daughter’s expense. That wouldn’t be right. There are probably ways to accomplish what you need to accomplish, get the help you need, without spoiling the things that are good about family life for your daughter and everybody else right now. You aren’t as likely to find those ways of doing so if you are hiding things for your own short-term interests, though, so - I think - you should be much more ambitious about starting to explore options and putting some trust out here and there.

13

I’d be happy to take you to a womens meeting, if you are anywhere near me. Sober 17 years so far…

Congrats, Napier- nice work.

And remember, the second “A” stands for “anonymous” so we won’t be callin’ CPS on you or anything… :wink:

14

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can stop. You’ve got three peoples’ lives to think about, and from my expert vantage point (having buried my father and half-brother, both lost to alcoholism), it sounds like you definitely have a problem or you’re rapidly getting there.

You haven’t mentioned this in your posts, and I’m just guessing here, but if these ideas are bouncing around in your head: you’re not an irresponsible POS, and your life has value. Try to let your husband in.

15

I have found that alcohol really ramps up my depression. I enjoy how it makes me feel while I’m drinking, but the next day I can count on depression setting in.

16

hugs baileygrrrl I can relate to parts of what you say. I used to stay drunk for long stretches to deal with my emotional stress (once stayed drunk for three straight months, but since I never missed work I didn’t think it was that big a deal.) I also used to smoke about a half an ounce of pot a day. Most of that was just me, the rest was shared in a bowl/joint/blunt with others. And I’m a mom (one kid when I was drinking heavily, two as a pothead, have three now and smoke once a year, twice if I’m feeling wild.) I’ve got the social phobia thing going on big time, to the point where I stay at home whenever possible and won’t even use the phone to order a pizza. Not trying to gain any smpathy here, just letting you know I understand a lot of where you’re coming from.

Here’s the part where I show how crazy I really am: I’ve never gone to a doctor for my depression, or taken any kind of meds for it. I believe in living life to all it’s extremes, whether they be good or bad. Sure, I have days where I cry a lot and feel like a worthless waste of flesh. But I always keep telling myself that I can and WILL be happy again. And when I am happy, since it’s on my own and without help from other sources (be they medical or illegal or whatever) I feel THAT much better about things.

The point I’m trying to make here is that people tend to make judgements, especially when there are children involved. God knows I’ve worried about having my babies taken away before, and that’s a GOOD thing. It keeps me in check and forces me to stop and look at the “bigger picture.” My advice to you is to sit down and talk about it with your spouse, and go from there. Baby steps are better than no steps.

I wish you the best of luck, and will send pleading thoughts to my deity of choice for you. PM me if you need anything. hugs again

17

From someone else who’s “been there, done that”.

The increased tolerances are tricky and dangerous because your tolerance can change, often suddenly and out of the blue you my find yourself reacting like a non-drinker to the prodigious amount of booze that you could normally handle.

What if you had your 3 or 4 oversized drinks one evening and found yourself waking up to an injured (or worse) child and no memory of what had happened…of behind the wheel of a wrecked car…or in a strange place with a stranger?

These are not pleasant thoughts but thoughts like this have kept me away from booze for 15 years now. You could do things or have things happen to you while you are under the influence that could destroy your family, your finances and your life in ways that would make death seem merciful. This could happen in minutes, just something to think about as you pour your next one.

BTW, I quit drinking without AA or support groups but I never fell into the fallacy that I could “learn” to drink moderately and I do believe that quitting needs to be 100%.

18

My bolding.

Two things…
First, who/what is “DH”?
More importantly, you think people around you can’t tell that you are drinking, and hiding it? You are in denial. They know.

19

One bottle of wine equals four glasses.

I’m not trying to take anything away from your problem/possible addiction, but I think people tend to equate “a bottle of wine!” to a bottle of liquor. When in fact I could give you three drinks and a shot–properly poured–and you would have the same amount of alcohol in your system. (As a bartender I know that tons of people drink that, and a lot more.)

Combined with pot–as I learned in college–the effect can be severe. (Barfing over a balcony in my case. It’s why I don’t smoke pot.)

I guess what I’m saying is that while you may have a problem–if you think you do, chances are good that you’re correct–you aren’t nearly as far gone as other people, and you can kick it a lot more easily.

I hope you do. And I hope you realize that you are not alone. And props for thinking about it now, when it’s a problem that’s relatively minor.

You are recognizing the signs now. Not later. And that’s a good thing.

20

I just wanted to send some good wishes your way. From the sounds of it even though you have a problem your worries about your daughter show you to be a caring mother. I’m not sure what the rules are like where you are but I know social services here wouldn’t just take your kid away like that. She’s loved, cared for properly and in a stable home, right? I hope you get the help you need.

:slight_smile: