So I think I need some help

I am on a crash course for certain disaster and I need a serious reality check.
I am an alcoholic. There is no “I think” anymore. All of my behaviors firmly plant me in the alcoholic category. Sure, I manage to not miss any work because of it and I still function as a wife and parent but I have to stop kidding myself. Hiding booze, buying it on the sly, drinking on the sly (although my husband isn’t stupid and knows what is going on) not being able to function without that drink every night. It’s at the point that I pretty much feel like crap all day long and don’t feel good or normal until I get those drinks into me every night.

I am also abusing codeine. It takes a pretty large dose every morning to get me ready for the day. I can’t believe how stupid I am for going down this road.
I am waging war on my liver. I can’t imagine the damage that’s been done. I have pain in the area of my liver daily so I know it’s swollen and hurting. Yet I can’t seem to stop this cycle. I am married to a wonderful man and I have two amazing kids, 9 and 16 months old, who need their mom. I am too scared to go to the doctor and get things checked out. I hope I haven’t done irreversible damage. I am scared shitless about that.

I don’t know how to stop. I needed to write this down and put it out there. I need a reality check. I can’t believe I’ve done this to myself and my family. I am not a stupid person. I have a good life. I just don’t know how to live it sober anymore.

You need help. Period.

Go to the nearest Emergency Room right now. Get it.

If you can’t get to the ER, please call the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) toll-free telephone number for alcohol and drug information/treatment referral assistance.

Telephone: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

They also have a treatment facility locator site.

There are lots of people who can help you live sober and healthy. Please do it now.

I’m not in a position where I have much personal strength to lend, but what I have - take it. Stand straight, walk the road to sober health no matter how rocky. Everyone makes a mistake; it’s okay. You deserve better. Go get it.

You sound exactly like me a couple of years ago. I don’t have kids, but do have a husband who I was hiding it from.

My drink of choice was vodka. I had small bottles hidden in the bathroom (so I could brush my teeth after a quick drink and hide the smell) and in the bedroom, usually in a drawer or my gym bag. I also abused codine if I could get it, as well as sleeping aids (Nytol / Gravol / NeoCitron). What scared me the most just before I went for help is that I would sometimes stop breathing at night and wake myself up. I was oversuppressing my system and I’m sure almost killed myself a few times.

So here’s what happened. I finally broke down and asked for help from my husband. He was undertandably mad, but he got me help. The day after I asked for help we went to my GP and told him what was going on. He ran a bunch of bloodwork to check my liver, etc. (I was still in good shape, thankfully). At that appointment, I got a note for a month of stress leave. I began outpatient rehab that week (it was a three week program). I went to a few CBT and AA meetings, but didn’t really care for them. I started going to our therapist every few days (we already had a great one).

Now, you might not have the resources to do all this yourself (I’m in Canada, so all of this was free with no reprocussions from work for taking a month off - and I still got paid), but the KEY here is that you need to ask for help. Tell your husband, tonight, right now. Tell him you need help and you need to see a doctor and you hope he can support you in your recovery.

And keep us posted. If you need any advice / help, there are many of us here that have been where you are right now.

Thank you so much EmAnJ. I am in Canada as well. Specifically Ontario. This is so scary. Don’t know if I could get a month off work. I’m so afraid to tell my husband. He’s put up with so much already.

It doesn’t matter. Your job, your marriage, and your health are going to be worse off if you don’t do something than if you do. Don’t look for reasons not to get help, just go get help.

This will only get worse if you don’t take action now. You’re at the point of minimizing losses, there’s no miracle where everything is suddenly all better. The sooner you act, the sooner things will begin to improve.

We’ll be there for you, you won’t be all alone.

If your husband has put up with so much already, he probably senses that something is wrong. He’s likely to be relieved that you’re deciding to do something about your problem. If he’s stuck with you through thick and thin, you’ve got to trust him now.

You are afraid of his immediate reaction, which will probably be anger. That’s ok, it will go away and you guys will work through it. What is important to him is that he has a healthy wife and mother to his children. He wants you to get better, trust me.

Knowledge is power. The sooner you know where you stand physically, the sooner you can start fixing whatever needs it. Follow all the good advice here and get help NOW.

[mod]Moving from MPSIMS to our advice forum, IMHO.[/mod]

[non-mod]Admitting you have a problem is the first step that makes it possible for you to get better. Wishing you peace and strength as you continue on your journey back to health. [/non-mod]

Please don’t be afraid of telling your husband - he already knows. And he’s waiting to get the “old you” back. Put your fears aside and jump, you’ve already started with todays post.

Not to take this too lightly, but semi-seriously, request the powers that be to change your screen name here. People I’ve known that kicked it had to get rid of every little reminder of alcohol in their lives.

And good luck.

If you don’t tell him, you’ll be making him put up with even more than he already has. Telling him should only make him relieved that he’ll be getting you back soon.

Best of luck with your recovery.

Just think how many people have fucked up their lives a million times worse than you have due to addiction, and still came back from it. Some people would kill to be in your position. You haven’t done anything that can’t be taken back.

Did you drink when you were pregnant with your 16-month-old? If not, how did you manage then?

i almost married an alcoholic. met her when she was 30; she had already been in rehab 15 times. i met her just after she led the state police on a high speed chase with a .33 BAC (it took a Camaro to catch her). she later spent a weekend in jail; then 30 days at the YWCA; then another 30 at a womens halfway house. She looked & acted very much like Goldie Hawn; not what I had previously envisioned an alchy to look like…I also noticed at the Y and the house, that there were many very young and very pretty women who were also pegged with this condition.
Some of the things I learned as a sponsor (yes, they require a sponsor in lieu of total jail time) was that people like this can not manage their finances…despite relocating to another state and starting over, it didn’t take her long to back slide, and almost take me down financially…I gave up and let her go.
The other lesson I learned, is that it never goes away (I had no idea)…it is just like a terminal cancer that goes in remission, only to rear its ugly head again later.

Married another woman; stepdaughter was from an alchy dad…she was dry until freshman year at college; had her first drinks at a frat party, lost her virginity to a guy she declined dating when sober, then used booze to get thru life thereafter.

In both cases, it ruined not just the individual, but everyone in their orbit.

I can offer no advice nor further history on either case, as I opted to bail out from both…that worked for me.

My hunch is your husband will do the same.

Yup, this. He probably already knows more than you think he does. He’ll be very relieved that you’ve recognized the problem and want to do something about it. He’ll probably be angry at some point as the full extent of your addictions get revealed. And if he’s anything like the family members of addicts that I’ve known, he’ll be your biggest cheerleader as you’re getting sober.

You’re in for the adventure of a lifetime. It’s normal to be terrified of the idea of giving up your addiction. It takes more courage than anything else I know of, actually. I also know you can do it. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Expect to be fucking terrified for a while. But there’s also so, so much relief and joy in being free. You’ll get there.

[QUOTE=cougar58]
In both cases, it ruined not just the individual, but everyone in their orbit.

I can offer no advice nor further history on either case, as I opted to bail out from both…that worked for me.

My hunch is your husband will do the same.
[/QUOTE]

When addictions aren’t treated, yes, this is true. If the addict won’t admit to a problem and won’t change, other people often have to get away from them to preserve their own sanity.

This is why it’s a really good thing that you’re choosing to do something about it now, baileygrrrl. It is possible to be completely free of addictions. Not easy, but possible.

You dated someone you were sponsoring as she attempted to stay dry?

Yep…she was at that time the prettiest woman I had ever laid eyes on, let alone dated., funny what that can do to your judgement.

also, I just noticed, the OP had a child recently…in my case, she had a 4 yr old…that the courts forced her to give up prior…and her mother adopted her…so her daughter was now her sister, whom she could only see on occasions.

that alone should be enough reason for the OP the quit cold turkey. Sadly, I can assure you, the odds are she won’t give it up.

Read “The Ethics” by Spinoza…human beings have no responsibility for their actions, no free will. We are conscious of our desires but unaware of the causes. Everything must happen the way it does.