One week sober today. The funny thing is that I still don’t consider myself sober. It’s like I still want to leave the option to drink open. So stupid.
I sat with a drink in hand yesterday, staring at it for ten minutes. I poured it down the sink. I don’t even know where these small victories are coming from. Stubbornness? I’ve never been good at saying no to myself but for some reason, somehow, I am doing it.
Already I am sleeping better. Everything seems so quiet now. It’s like the noise is gone from my brain. Life seems pretty mundane right now. Trying to find some happiness in the little things.
A week is not a long time but it’s more than I’ve had for over a year. Every night for the past week, I’ve changed my mind dozens of times on whether or not I would have a drink. At least “no” has won out so far.
Late last week,I found out I was refused for the March 31st session of day treatment. This should have sent me into a tear but it didn’t. Now I have to wait for the May session. Everything was in place. My family doc had filled out the short term disability forms, I had spoken to my employer about needing to take a “medical leave” etc. It’s my own fault. Instead of preparing myself for treatment and doing what was required, I was drinking right up until the last minute. I couldn’t let go. I was 3 days sober when I was refused. I quit cold turkey and thankfully, really didn’t experience any withdrawal.
I’m still being stubborn about meetings. I know that is where I need to be, but time away from my family seems so painful. I only get to see my kids for around 2 hours a day. Seems so hard to take any time away from them, and yet I know that a sober, present mom would be a gift to them.
Thanks for “listening” to me ramble.