Sixty Days Sober

[TokyoBayer]

I've known before that I have a problem with alcohol, although it never seemed to be a problem with the first four beers, it was the eight after. Suddenly things which wouldn't pass a sniff test when sober would seem to be damn good ideas. Going home from bars to help get the kids in bed no longer ranked up on the same level as self medicating the stress and depression, one glass of scotch at a time.

My wife and I were fighting (bet none of your could possible imagine why) and the level of stress was getting worse and worse. So one morning noon when I woke up after a bender I realized that if I continued this, my love for wine would win over the love for the kids. And that's not an option. They need a daddy, not a drunk.

With limited options including very few AA meetings, I decide to go with the medication route. Japan has a drug similar to Antabuse, so I talked to my psychiatrist and got a prescription from him.

The first 4 weeks were hell. It was only after a month that I read in a book about PTSD that stopping drinking can temporarily aggravate the stress and other symptoms because you've suddenly lost one of the outlets for stress. The book says that the techniques in AA are useful because they provide support during this difficult transition.

(And please, let's not turn this into a discussion if AA is effective or not, as many such treads become.)

So I went into a terrible funk, did the minimum at work, would get fully going when with my kids, and substituted endless hours of mindless time on the internet. Not the most ideal solution, but at least I wouldn't make stupid decisions at 3:00 am.

I'm working more on different outlets for the stress. Continuing counseling and gaining more insights into what causes my reactions and how to change my behaviors and learn more coping methods. Work is going much better, our family live is back to great (well, as much of great as is possible with two toddlers and two working parents), and I'm out of the funk. I'm going to take up Aikido to help get more exercise.

I've stopped drinking for a few months at a time before. Usually after doing something stupid enough that I'm not going to admit in public. Then after a couple of months, I start to feel that I can control my drinking, and I can. For a while. Then through a period of a few weeks, one beer becomes one bottle of wine which becomes two. While it wouldn't be every night, it would happen.

But now I realize that I can't. My friend can have a glass of sherry, say it was good and stop. I can't guaranty that, so I stop before I start. It seems to work better that way.

I've got a ritual now. The first thing after breakfast, I measure out the 7 ml, hold the cup up eye level and say, "My children have a Daddy, not a drunk."

After I feel more comfortable with how things are going, I'll try keeping sober without the medication.

Also, to stop myself from staying up too late at night, I've set LeechBlock to kick in at 9:00 pm. I may be seeing less of you guys for a while. I'll miss you, but my children deserve to have the best father they can.

Wish me well on my new sober journey in life.

[kayT]

Yes, wishing you well. I think you are a very brave man and your kids have a great dad.

[carnut]

I do wish you well Tokyo.

I also recommend a support group (doesn't even have to be alcohol-related group) to learn what others are doing for stress relief. In a weird way, it is also good to know that others struggle too. They can also help you see where your plans and ideas might lead (good or bad).

[Leaffan]

May I ask, and please be honest, how much you were drinking before it got to this point? I'd like to compare.

[China Guy]

Best of luck. I know you can do it.

[Brynda]

Does AA exist online? If not, try daily strength.org.

Sending good thoughts your way.

[TokyoBayer]

Originally Posted by Leaffan

May I ask, and please be honest, how much you were drinking before it got to this point? I'd like to compare.

It varied. About eight years ago, I was drinking heavily nightly. Maybe 8 gin and tonics on a medium night, and not being able to count on others. My body had developed such a tolerance that I never ran into anyone who could outdrink me. One guy tried. We each started off with three very strong gin and tonics at his house, had several Belgium beers and shared two bottles of wine. He fell asleep, so I went to a bar on the way home. I've also had 6 to 8 draft beers and then shared a bottle of scotch with a fiend. Just open the bottle and toss the cap. Usually it wasn't that much, and after I had kids I cut way back.

Last year, I would have one or two "chuhai" (Japanese mixed drink with 5% alcohol) and I would only drink two or three nights a week.

This year it started to creep back up. I wasn't drinking nightly, but there were a few nights where I would be out until 3:00 am. Although I never did act on it, middle age barflies start to look pretty good. I missed a few events for the kids on Saturday mornings. So, this would have screwed up a good marriage and caused the most important people in my life a lot of pain.

It wasn't necessarily the amount though, it was the complete inability to find the off switch on some nights. And that scared the hell out of me.

It was a selfish method of coping with life which would have lead to serious problems for the children I chose to create. And that would have been totally irresponsible and inexcusable. It's one thing to choose to ruin your own life, it's another to ruin the young, vulnerable lives of the very ones you have a responsibility to protect.

So, I don't drink now.

[cherry]

I wish you luck. This must mean a lot to your wife. As someone who is married to an alcoholic who is taking Antabuse and naltrexone I hope they work for you. My husband came home from a business trip tonight sober so I was happy about that. Baby steps.

[sleestak]

Congrats. The first day is hard. Damned hard. Same with the second. And the third. And the forth....

But at some point it gets easier.

And that is when you need to start worrying. Many alkies relapse when things start getting good. The bills are paid, the significant other is happy instead of pissed all the time. Work is going well. What the hell, time for a beer!

That is one of the values that comes from A.A. You don't forget how bad it was.

I haven't had the urge to drink in years. But I remind myself quite often of the morning I woke up and looked out to see the car I totaled. The car my parents loaned me because their 33 year old son was a drunk who was trying to get his life together. I remember how I wanted to kill myself. I remember how I did not know what to do. I remember knowing that I had to change something but being scared to death because I didn't know how to change. I remember going out to get beer because I *had* to have it even though I'd just totaled a car. I remember how much I hated myself, my life, my very existence.

If I ever forget that I am lost.

I also remember what I learned in A.A. about how to get sober. The most important, for me at least, was making a list of my transgressions and then making amends for those where possible.

I am glad that you are working on your problem. I am glad that you are in counseling. If you were drinking like an alkie there are going to be problems in most of your relationships. That is the real tragedy of alcoholism, we end up hurting those who care about us the most.

My advice to those who are newly sober won't quite work for you as you aren't going to A.A. but I'll give some anyway.

Talk. Talk to your family and friends. Make amends for those things you did or didn't do while you were drinking. Clean out all those old hurts. Talk to your counselor often, and if you cannot do that, find someone you trust who you can call at anytime. Relapses happen long before the drink is picked up so keep yourself healthy and sane by talking through any problem, no matter how small. (note, you will probably drive people crazy for a little while with this but since they love and care about you they should understand).

If the urge to drink does hit, don't try and hide it. Tell those who know about your problem and talk it out. Don't wait, do it as soon as possible.

And last, remember that life *is* wonderful if we choose to live it that way.

I remember life when I was at two months. It was a bitch. The urge wasn't gone. The healing had barely started and there was a lot of unresolved pain. My thinking wasn't quite right yet. My emotions were all over the place. I was unsure of myself. All those things, and more, took time to overcome. At six months I was more confident and relaxed. At a year I was about as sane as I was ever gonna get. And since then things have just gotten better.

If you want to talk feel free to PM me. I will offer any advice and support I can. I don't know much but I do know how to live life without drinking. And I know what a wonderful gift it is, to yourself and your loved ones.

Slee
8 years and one month clean and sober

[TokyoBayer]

Originally Posted by cherry

I wish you luck. This must mean a lot to your wife.

My wife also used to worry each time I would go out drinking She is very happy about this.

Originally Posted by sleestak

And that is when you need to start worrying. Many alkies relapse when things start getting good. The bills are paid, the significant other is happy instead of pissed all the time. Work is going well. What the hell, time for a beer!

Yes, that's happened to me in the past. After a while, you remember the fun but forget the price tag.

Talk to your counselor often, and if you cannot do that, find someone you trust who you can call at anytime. Relapses happen long before the drink is picked up so keep yourself healthy and sane by talking through any problem, no matter how small. (note, you will probably drive people crazy for a little while with this but since they love and care about you they should understand).

If the urge to drink does hit, don't try and hide it. Tell those who know about your problem and talk it out. Don't wait, do it as soon as possible.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. One of the reasons I drank was self medication for the complex PTSD / depression / anxiety stemming from my abused childhood. Counseling is helping a lot with that.

One difference with taking medication is that it's stopped the urge to drink. I make one decision to drink the medication, first thing in the morning before any of the stress is there, and then I don't have to fight the feelings all day. However, that doesn't cure the underling anxiety / depression / panic from the PTSD, so I didn't have an outlet for those problems.

I looked up AA in Tokyo, and it looks like there are some meetings which may work. I'm going to go to a beginners' meeting tomorrow and will check it out. My counselor is being very flexible about extra meetings with me when it's urgent.

[Quartz]

Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer

I've known before that I have a problem with alcohol, although it never seemed to be a problem with the first four beers, it was the eight after.

The very best of luck to you. You can do it; you will do it!

[Snowboarder Bo]

Oh yeah!
_
( ((
\ =\
__\_ `-\
(____))( \----
(____)) _
(____))
(____))____/----

You can do this TP. Life isn't necessarily as stressful as we sometimes lead ourselves to think. I can't wait to read your 90 Days Sober post.

ETA: Sorry about the poorly constructed "thumbs up" there; the board won't let me put spaces at the start of a line of text or something. Hope you got the idea anyway.

[Quartz]

Originally Posted by Snowboarder Bo

    _
  ( ((
   \ =\
 __\_ `-\ 
(____))(  \---- 
(____)) _  
(____))
(____))____/----

Try that.

[Nava]

Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer

I'll miss you, but my children deserve to have the best father they can.

I'm always glad to see you, but your kids and wife need you: we don't.

[Nava]

Bo, I can't see Quartz's code, but using color=white on letters works to simulate spaces.

[Quartz]

Originally Posted by Nava

Bo, I can't see Quartz's code, but using color=white on letters works to simulate spaces.

All Bo needed to do was use the [code][/code] tags

[not what you'd expect]

TP,You have a brave and courageous soul. You deserve the happiness that your freedom from alcohol will surely bring you.

Best of luck to you.

[Morgenstern]

Great job TP. Facing your situation took courage. Congratulations.

[EmAnJ]

Congratulations on sixty days! You've made it over the biggest hump, imo.

I, too, am an alcoholic and have battled it for years. I fell off the wagon last November but have been sober again since then. It does get easier. I find writing down how I feel and what my motivations are for quitting when I'm in the early stages of quitting help me down the road when I think (yet again) that I'm strong enough to 'just have one drink' - which always starts that downward spiral.

[PandaBear77]

Kickass!!!!!!

[LegendHasit]

Also wishing you well, and thanking you for courageously sharing your experience here (and introducing me to LeechBlock).

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

TokyoPlayer--

[TokyoBayer]

Thank you everyone who is wishing me well. It really means a lot.

Originally Posted by EmAnJ

It does get easier. I find writing down how I feel and what my motivations are for quitting when I'm in the early stages of quitting help me down the road when I think (yet again) that I'm strong enough to 'just have one drink' - which always starts that downward spiral.

Thank you for this excellent advice.

[Qadgop the Mercotan]

Good for you.

Just remember this: The monkey may be off your back, but the circus is still in town.

So: Cultivate a network of supportive recovering friends, and communicate with them.

QtM, sober now for a while.

[Tripler]

TokyoPlayer,

I'm wishing you the best of luck, man. I too had my rock bottom, and didn't realize it; but then a new job prospect came and gave me a goal (alongside a girl that wouldn't put up w/that drunken sh*t anymore) and I've gone on 4 years sober now. I don't have kids, but my motivation is that I know when the phone rings at 2:AM, I'll be fine and ready. I don't have to worry about hangovers anymore (which were getting harsher and harsher), and I won't have to worry about losing credibility because I showed up to a call with beer on my breath. Yes, before this current job, I was that bad.

This past weekend, I went to a funeral for a dear friend from North Dakota, and "the gang" was all there. It floored 'em that the drunk guy no longer drinks, but I have my "reasons" and they suit me well. People don't need to know I'm an alcoholic, but it does help that I have a handy reason to tell them why I quit when they first offered me drinks. Hell, I found it's easy to lie to the Devil.

Since I quit, I dropped 40 lbs. (keep in mind I'm only 5'6") and am in the best damn shape of my life--and it's only getting better. I've seen a few other employees get into trouble with it, but I'm glad a couple of them found AA like I did.

Good luck, brother. I'm pullin' for ya, 'cause we're all in this together.

Tripler
Raisin' a mug 'o' tea atcha.

[Airman Doors, USAF]

You never know how low you can go until you've been there. I've been there. The bottom of my personal hell was something I wouldn't wish on anybody.

You made your decision for the right reasons. Don't allow yourself to second-guess them. Make sure you have the support you need, and remember that it does get better. For me, my first four months were nothing short of a nightmare that I thought I'd never wake up from. Now things are totally different, and while I don't regret what I've done I often ask myself what I was thinking. The answer, of course, is that I wasn't.

1 year, 5 months and 26 days later, I am very much a changed man. I still have a lot to deal with, but I can handle it now instead of deferring it to the bottom of a bottle.

Keep working your program, and good luck. Remember, alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. Don't let it get a hold of you again.

[sleestak]

Originally Posted by Tripler

People don't need to know I'm an alcoholic, but it does help that I have a handy reason to tell them why I quit when they first offered me drinks. Hell, I found it's easy to lie to the Devil.

:: post snipped ::

My excuse, if anyone bothers to ask, is that I am allergic to alcohol. If they persist I explain that I break out in handcuffs when I drink. YMMV with that particular line.

Slee

[TokyoBayer]

I went to an AA meeting yesterday. It was good, not what I had thought it would be. The people were friendly and supportive and a number of people volunteered their phone numbers anytime I needed to talk.

It's a Sunday morning, I'm just walking up and it feels so good to be a Daddy from the first thing in the morning. Not hung over. I've got enough sleep. I'll go make pancakes with Beta-chan.

[Dangerosa]

Congrats and best wishes for continued sobriety. This means a lot to the people around you, who worry about you and try not to judge and who easily fall into co-dependence. But, in the end, you have to do this for yourself.

[EmAnJ]

Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer

I went to an AA meeting yesterday. It was good, not what I had thought it would be. The people were friendly and supportive and a number of people volunteered their phone numbers anytime I needed to talk.

It's a Sunday morning, I'm just walking up and it feels so good to be a Daddy from the first thing in the morning. Not hung over. I've got enough sleep. I'll go make pancakes with Beta-chan.

One of my favourite things about being sober is waking up early on the weekend and enjoying a cup of coffee while catching up online...with NO hangover. My days are longer because I don't sleep until noon.

(This is one of the notes that goes in my journal, btw. I love not being hungover.)

[Tripler]

Originally Posted by EmAnJ

One of my favourite things about being sober is waking up early on the weekend and enjoying a cup of coffee while catching up online...with NO hangover. My days are longer because I don't sleep until noon.

(This is one of the notes that goes in my journal, btw. I love not being hungover.)

Yeah, it's weird innit? It's like the bad time travel of blackouts went away, but the good time travel of having more free time appears.

Tripler
I still sleep in, only because I'm not a morning guy anyway.

[Lasciel]

Tokyo, good on you for making a hard decision. I had an uncle who was what is unfortunately called a "functional" drunk. While he may have been able to work, he certainly wasn't a functional personality. I never once saw him alert or aware of what was going on. Thankfully he was a kind and gentle drunk, and very tolerant of kids, but I never got to know him as a person.

I'm really very happy for you and your family, and I wish you all the best in dealing with your stressors in less alcoholic manners - there's lots of options out there, and I'm sure one or more of them will work for you!

Keep it up! You are worth it!

[Hokkaido Brit]

I'm so happy to read this - being a wife and mother I can't help reading your posts from the point of view of your wife. You are SUCH a good Dad and husband. You have done SUCH a good thing for them and also for you. Stopping drinking was an act of great love towards them and towards yourself!

Congratulations. Keep on.

[PlainJain]

Congrats TokyoPlayer. I just hit the 6 months sober mark. It gets easier, well it did for me. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by sleestak

If they persist I explain that I break out in handcuffs when I drink.

I had someone tell me once they broke out in handcuffs and orange jumpsuits.

[TokyoBayer]

Originally Posted by Hokkaido Brit

I'm so happy to read this - being a wife and mother I can't help reading your posts from the point of view of your wife. You are SUCH a good Dad and husband. You have done SUCH a good thing for them and also for you. Stopping drinking was an act of great love towards them and towards yourself!

Congratulations. Keep on.

Funny how becoming a parent suddenly makes it a game changer. I don't think I'd have the courage if it were just me. Beta-chan is 3 1/2 and is starting to understand the world. It's time.

[Lust4Life]

Well done mate, keep it going.Everyones cheering you on .

[Shirley Ujest]

Take it moment by moment and remember your invisible friends from all over the world are all here to help you with internet hugs and 'been there, done that' stories.

[TokyoBayer]

Thank you everyone. It means a lot.

I've been using the Japanese version of antitbuse, and every morning I would measure out 7 ml, raise the cup to eye level and say "My kids have a Daddy, not a drunk."

And while the anitbuse has gotten me this far, I need to face the underling problems which have been driving me to drink. These sixty days have been good, in that the alcohol is out of my system, and knowing that I can't drink, I don't get cravings for it. But the anxieties are fears are still there.

So, I want to try looking straight at them. See who is the bigger man. That ration brain or the fears from the past.

I met a number of really cool people at AA. They could be me. Middle aged businessmen who have looked hell in the eyes and have lived to talk about it. I can relate to these people. It really is nice to hear of others who said the same lies to themselves, all while their worlds collapsed around.

When wine is your woman and beer, your buddy, you have to make a choice between them and your family. And as fun as a cocktail can be, it pales beside that happy squeal of a three-year-old when you come home. Or the quiet satisfaction of being a hero to an 18-month-old.

Again this morning, I measured out the 7 ml, raised the cup and said "My children have a Daddy and not a drunk."

But today, the cup held nothing more potent than tap water. Today we see if my mind can still win, even knowing that the electric fence is just a farce. Armed with the phone numbers of some people who care about a total stranger, I will walk by that 7-11, think of my children and walk straight home.

Because, you see. I will not be free until I choose to be free. For 50 years, I have been plagued by the demons inflicted from decades ago. I have made progress, and I think this is the next step.

Again, wish me well.

[Qadgop the Mercotan]

Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer

wish me well.

Oh, I do. I do!

One day at a time, buddy. The promises do come true. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

[Digital is the new Analog]

TokyoPlayer, you're already showing how strong you are.

Keep at it. We'll be here every step of the way.



-D/a

[JRDelirious]

Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer

It really is nice to hear of others who said the same lies to themselves, all while their worlds collapsed around.

When wine is your woman and beer, your buddy, you have to make a choice between them and your family. And as fun as a cocktail can be, it pales beside that happy squeal of a three-year-old when you come home. Or the quiet satisfaction of being a hero to an 18-month-old.

[...]
Today we see if my mind can still win, even knowing that the electric fence is just a farce. Armed with the phone numbers of some people who care about a total stranger, I will walk by that 7-11, think of my children and walk straight home.

Because, you see. I will not be free until I choose to be free. For 50 years, I have been plagued by the demons inflicted from decades ago. I have made progress, and I think this is the next step.

Again, wish me well.

We will! Having myself someone very near and dear who's going through the struggle, I can hear what you're saying. And here's to the courage to call for help when the rational brain comes under fire.

[dropzone]

Congrats, TP, you old-timer!

drop, 43 days

When I got home tonight my wife asked if I had a nice meeting. Considering that the discussion was about taking a personal inventory, with all its introspection and dredging up bad memories, I asked her to define "nice."

[Blkshp]

Just don't drink today. But if you start getting thirsty, pick up the phone before you pick up a drink.

[Grestarian]

Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer

I may be seeing less of you guys for a while. I'll miss you, but my children deserve to have the best father they can.

Wish me well on my new sober journey in life.

I opened this thread with the intention of posting a rude semi-funny anectdote, but your tale and sincerity quickly killed that idea. Good luck with your endeavor; I know a little about how tough it is to fight the allure of inebriation.

I wonder if the SDMB tech support guys might be able to help a bit by updating your handle. It seems to me you're no longer a Player in Tokyo, but are moving toward a more responsible pattern of behavior. You'd have to be willing and work with them on the name change, if they're able to do anything at all, but it might be a nice reminder/affirmation to be signing in to converse with us via a name that conveys your new direction and resolve.

I have no idea how such a change would be initiated.

---G!
(Feeling clueless)

[TokyoBayer]

I talked to a guy in AA about stopping the antibuse, and interestingly, he didn't think it was necessarily a good idea. Of course, that is just one man's opinion, but it did give me some more to think about.

Originally Posted by Grestarian

I wonder if the SDMB tech support guys might be able to help a bit by updating your handle. It seems to me you're no longer a Player in Tokyo, but are moving toward a more responsible pattern of behavior.

I see that from your join date that you probably don't the know the stories of Pough-chan and Beta-chan, and the tremendous support I received from this community.

Poor Ian, a baby born, but not to live. A first son and a first silence. Followed by the one who would never be named. And then Beta-chan who stayed the whole pregnancy by the sheer, collective will of the Dopers worldwide.

You are right, I'm not a player, and it would be embarrassing at my age, even if I wanted.

I've thought many times about changing my name, but I also have wanted those who were there to remember Ian Pough.

And several years have passed while I sit undecided.

Would people still remember?

[Sunspace]

Congratulations, TP! I admire your determination and success. Reading about them gives me encouragement for my struggle to deal with my own Stuff.

And I know that you parents have a hundred times the feeling for your kids as I have for my friends' kids (I'm kind of an unofficial uncle), and I have very strong feelings for my friends' kids. I can barely imagine what you must feel...

[TokyoBayer]

Originally Posted by Sunspace

And I know that you parents have a hundred times the feeling for your kids as I have for my friends' kids (I'm kind of an unofficial uncle), and I have very strong feelings for my friends' kids. I can barely imagine what you must feel...

My counselor told me that he has seen people who let their love for alcohol grow so strong it overwhelms the natural love for children. And that scared me.

I talked to a couple of guys at AA who lost their families because of the drinking. One of them said that he was able to reconnect after the kids are grown, but it's different.

So, last night a very sober father rocked asleep an exhausted, screaming child, and sang songs for the 30 minutes it took for the little boy to wear himself out. To be a parent is to be there for your children. He won't remember last night when he's grown, but hopefully he will retain the trust which I hope to maintain, for trust is earned not awarded.

[LegendHasit]

TokyoPlayer,

Hang in there. . . we're pulling for you.

I came back into this thread to share this . . . just in case it might resonate.

A week ago I found a book in a thrift store called "Addictive Drinking" by Clark Vaughan (1982, 1995). It was among a bunch of other AA stuff, but is not AA, and when I picked it up and saw how he was addressing "stress" and triggers in the early pages, and how he was talking on the subject with a different kind of tone, I snatched it right up.

So far the information has been immensely helpful to me in understanding my own "addictions" and awareness about my behavior and my issues/triggers with stress.

Since you mentioned your struggles, I just wanted to mention the book in case you're looking for something to read. I'm sure lots of great books have been written since . . . but the synchronicity here was just worth a mention.

Here's a link:
http://www.amazon.com/Addictive-Drin...5246937&sr=1-1

May your path be soft during those extra-hard moments,

LH

[Nava]

Originally Posted by TokyoPlayer

Would people still remember?

I remember him every time I hear Negra María, the song whose lyrics I translated in eulogy.

[TokyoBayer]

Day Ninety was Saturday, and the for the first time in three months, I really wanted a drink. On Friday, I discovered how bad the finances were. Funny how people can deceive themselves, especially when they don't want to know the truth.

A phone call to my wife and a meeting with the employee. We'll continue to go forward for now, but it's not a pretty sight. And the fault is mine.

There were two days of shock. Feeling of sickness to the stomach to accompany the pain in my heart.

But feeling bad doesn't help. When you're up to your ass in in mud, there is only one thing to do: keep moving forward though the muck.

And then there was a small voice whispering her quiet lies. Come take a sip, and I'll warm you. I've give you back your confidence. You can stand tall again, your failures will fade. Your family will respect you and it will make this trip endurable. Just a sip, said the voice and the glass caught my eye. She conjured warm memories of fun from a thousand lives ago.

Who would not be tempted? Is it fun to be beaten up? Do you like to slip and have to fight for air? Who wouldn't take that helping hand?

But, the voice of reason cleared his throat. No. Remember. Remember the bad with the good. Remember the shame. Remember the hurt. That helping hand belongs to one who is set to push you back.

Run. Run as fast as the tears and mud in your eyes allow. Close them. For when a man feels he is dying, he will grasp at anything to save himself and you cannot allow yourself to see the poison. If you're not strong, and I am not, then find help.

And in the dingy room, with coffee cups, there were those who could. They can't carry me, for this trek is mine along, but there is encouragement from listening to those who have crawled through the same junk, and gotten to a better place.

And with tears streaming down these once proud cheeks, the sole good I can think is that tonight, again, there are two precious souls who have a Daddy and not a drunk.