I pit alcohol

The BBQ Pit
1

Like a lover. One who twists me up inside and makes me weak. Who I turn to when I need someone to creep inside me and change who I am. It’s a tuesday night. Why did I call to you? And every week. EVERY damn week I sing the song of “it’stimetogrowuptimetoquityoudon’tneedthis” and I still fall for you.

Name the cliche and I am it.

It was a romantic affliction but now I see it for what it is. Pathetic. Desperate. So fucking desperate. And the cyclic nature. I hate how you spin me in terrible circles of self-doubt and self-esteem and self-loathing.

What makes tonight, alone and eating burritos in a beer-drenched frenzy, different? Alone. Thank god I am alone. A small, terrible comfort.
I am tired of you but (how Brokeback of me) I don’t know how to quit you. Or, rather, I do. But you stay my hand when I want to make the calls.
How strong you are. How you persevere and keep a death grip on my being. You make me bare my soul to those I do not know. Or, rather, you ALLOW it.
For all I hate you, I thank you for giving me freedom, however false it may be.

This is not a very good pit.

What will happen to us?

2

((Miss Jean))
My thoughts are with you.

3

I have posted this before in other threads. I didn’t so much romance the bottle as tie it down and vigoroursly rape the thing when my husband left me. It was a case of ‘put the child to bed, wait until he’s asleep and then hit that wine with every fibre of your being’. I still drink 5 years after the fact, but now it’s a glass or two with dinner and I make a point of having so many alcohol free days a week (usually 3 or 4). I don’t get drunk any more. Do you think you’re using it to sleep or get through the nights? I wish you well, and if you’re strong enough to know that it’s a substitute for company rather than a companion for lonlieness, you’re on the way to sobriety. I know why people drink and I know why people drink to get drunk - but eventually you’ll get sick of hating yourself, and pull yourself out of it (this is my wish for you). Getting a buzz is okay - getting sleepy (as opposed to falling asleep on the couch after crying and waking up because the smoke alarm is telling you that you’ve fallen asleep drunk with a cigarette in your hand … is different). I wish you every success in kicking the demon in the balls. Remember, (and this isn’t AA, just my own thoughts on the topic) that grog is the symptom of something underlying the way you use it as a crutch. Good luck buddy. I look forward to you pitting the thread that made you bare your soul when you discover that you’re stronger than that.

4

I empathize.

But for me, alcohol was never the problem. I was the problem.

Now I don’t drink alcohol, so no problems with me due to alcohol!

AA is filled with people who had to get out of their relationship with alcohol. AAers know just how you feel.

5

Read *John Barleycorn * by Jack London.

6

Your OP kinda pisses me off, the way you romanticize your choice to continue drinking.
If you want to stop drinking, stop. No one else is shoving the stuff down your throat.
If going to meetings turns your crank, then by all means, go to meetings. Or start doing something else - like exercise - that you can’t drink while doing. But above all, you have to be honest with yourself and decide you really want to quit.
On the other hand, if you want to go for the whole noir-ish vibe while wallowing in self pity, you might want to start smoking as well…

7

While I don’t have a drinking problem (and not in a denial way, I mean I really don’t have a problem drinking OR a problem stopping), I sure did once upon a time have a tobacco problem.

And, much like you, I realized that tobacco was as much a “person” in our relationship as I was. Call it anthropomorphizing if you wish, but tobacco calmed me down when I needed calming, provided conversation when I met other smokers, made me feel better when I was sick, was there for me as a friend when no one else was…

Of course, tobacco also made my clothes smelly and made me cough and wheeze and not able to climb stairs or run with my kids. Tobacco limited where I could go to eat, who would hang out with me, and led me to stand outside in the cold and the rain so we could spend some time together.

Anyhow, I decided I needed to end our relationship. And I looked at is as ending a relationship with a person. How would I feel if one of my friends came up to me one day out of the blue and screamed in my face, “I fucking HATE YOU, you bitch! You’re smelly and gross and you’re killing me and I never want to see you again!” I’d be rather shocked, to say the least! And I’d want to defend myself, to point out all the good things about our relationship, to put the blame on THEM for being weak and arbitrary and stupid. If they turned around and walked away, I’d want to call or email and try to work things out, if I really cared about them.

So, since I didn’t want tobacco calling me anymore, I broke it off gently. I literally sat down with a pack of cigarettes and talked to it. I first thanked tobacco for everything it had done for me. I talked - out loud - about how important it had been in my life and how much I appreciated all the good things about it. Then I talked about the parts of our relationship that weren’t working for me anymore. I cried some, but just allowed myself the time to get through it and stuck to my guns. By the time I exhausted that list, I was ready to say good-bye. Not, “I hate you”. Not “I’ll never see you again.” But rather, “This relationship isn’t working out, and for my own health, I need to stop using you.”

Was I talking to the pack of Marlboro Light 100’s, to the spirit of the tobacco plant, or to some part of my own psyche that really, really wanted to keep smoking? Yes, all of them, none of them, who cares…it was a conversation I needed to have, no matter if the other side heard me or not. It worked far better for me than all the angry or defeated times I’d tried to quit. YMMV.

8

I don’t see her post so much as romanticizing her relationship with booze as the lights very slowly coming on about what it’s doing to her life and the slow realization that it’s a relationship that needs to end. We sometimes stay in bad relationships for a long time because it’s what we know and the fear of the unknown keeps us standing right where we are, even if it’s knee-deep in a pile of shit.

The OP is where I was not too long ago. Here’s where I am now. Hopefully she’ll realize sooner than later that that there’s only one good way out of her hell.
ETA: I didn’t mean that A.A. was the only good way. I meant that quitting was the only good way. Just wanted to clear that up.

9

Well, we can all read into her post/situation whatever is flavored by our personalities and experiences. Obviously, there are a lot of people who get some kind of mileage out of personifying their addictions/bad habits. I tend to be pretty extreme in terms of assuming responsibility for my actions - whether positive or not. All I was expressing was my impression. However you view your addiction and whatever means you pursue to stop it won’t matter shit until you truly decide you want to quit.

I read your post as well. Congrats for deciding to do something to improve your situation. And I agree, I couldn’t swallow a bunch of what I consider the 12-step nonsense - tho there are plenty on these boards who did quite well by it. I don’t understand why you said you were unable to quit by yourself. Hell, the way I saw it, you succeeded famously, quitting for 4 months. Believe me, that was by far the toughest stretch. Where you fucked up was by not being honest with yourself and thinking you could start drinking again.

I’m something like 4-5 years sober, and the only thing stopping me from having one social beer is my full knowledge that if I do, at some point - maybe in a month, maybe in a year or more - I’ll be shit-faced again. Damn - it is 9:45 in the morning, the sun is shining, everything is going fine, and I’d LOVE a nice tall glass of gin right now. But I acknowledge that I am personally responsible for my actions, and I simply say “no” to the urges.

10

I guess I might’ve come off as combative. I apologize. You stated your opinion of the OP and I, mine. Personally I could’ve written the OP not too long ago.
I do agree with you, however, that owning up to the responsibility of one’s actions. Realizing I was an alcoholic took time but realizing it was my own doing hit me like a freight train. Good on you for being sober for so long and realizing that even one drink would be your undoing. In 5 years, I aim to look at March 29, 2008 as the day I had my last drink.

11

Everyone is different, but in my case I prefer simply remembering that I quit sometime in April. I think it was 4 years ago, maybe it was 5. I’m pretty sure it was more than 3. For some reason the 25th seems right, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

I know I wrote it down on a calendar at the time and I know what file drawer it is in if I really wanted to be certain. But in my approach, it is enough to know that I am now a non-drinker, and that I cannot trust myself to drink moderately. I tried to moderate for a while, and was quite impressed at my ability to lie to myself as well as others. So while it works for some, it clearly wasn’t the approach for me - at least at that time. (The calendar with my sobriety date is the same one I was using to track my supposedly moderate drinking, and is in the drawer where I toss all of my old work calendars. If I wanted to find it, I could. But at this point it just isn’t important enough to me.)

For me personally, the whole idea of remembering the specific day, and celebrating anniversaries sort of smacks of letting booze keep too high of a priority in your consciousness/being. To me, the fact that I don’t even give it enough priority to remember/celebrate the specific year/day is yet another way I try to minimize the influence it has over me and the attention I give it. But different strokes…

And don’t apologize to me for sounding combative. Hell, I came in here expressing my opinion like a dick. But IMO, you don’t really need to mince words too much when speaking to self-pitying boozehounds.

Many folk will say I take it too simplistically. But as far as I’m concerned, if you are convinced that drinking makes you a less desireable person than you wish to be, all it takes is deciding not to drink each time you have the urge. Takes willpower and consistency, sure. But can be done - at least by some people. As each day/month/year passes, the urges become weaker and further between, and saying “no” becomes easier and easier. But hell, there are still times I’d love a smoke even 20+ years after my last cig.

12

Were I you I would examine closely this tidbit,

“But you stay my hand when I want to make the calls.”

Alcohol doesn’t enable you to do anything you couldn’t do without alcohol. You either possess the power to stay your hand from making the call or you do not. That you can when drunk, says you can. Period.

Alcohol is an extremely dangerous dance. Anyone who leads you (including you) to believe otherwise is lying. It has the power to take from you everything you value, including your self respect.

You wouldn’t think of getting up on the railing of a balcony 20 stories in the air. In fact, you probably couldn’t force yourself to, even if you had to, it would be too frightening every single moment. Because you cherish life and there are doubtless things you’d like to see and do before you die.

Knowing you have a problem, knowing you are dancing the dangerous dance, every time you put a drink to your lips you are climbing up onto that balcony railing.

Nobody is going to come along and save you from yourself, that’s your job. Now get the hell down from there. We can all see you have a valuable contribution to make, why the hell can’t you? And , until you can answer that question - stay the hell off the balcony.

I don’t even know you and I’m pulling for you, we all are.

Good Luck.

13

There’s my pit thread of the same title.

I hope you sort things out, I know how fucking hard it can be.

14

So how you been doing these past 6-7 months or so?

15

A lot better. I don’t drink as often nor as much for the most part as I did then. I’ve discovered the joys of shandy (ie beer mixed with 7up/sprite), a refreshing drink that gets you slightly gabby but couldn’t make me drunk in a million years. This is a distinct improvement from whiskey. Getting drunk, for the most part, is no longer much of a priority. I’ve set aside April as a month of total abstinence to see how that goes and if it goes well I might just not drink in May or June either. There are a few dates (stag party, wedding) over the summer that I’ve set aside that realistically I’m going to be drunk at.

16

Cool.
Good for you.

17

I recently cut down my intake due to a prescription that I’m on. Where I’d been averaging (let’s be honest) about 2.5 drinks a day, and one of those often a Martini, I now limit myself to one, and have been holding to that pretty successfully. Beneficial side effect: weight loss! I’ve lost the love handles and an inch or two off my waist. I just turned 50, here I am, wearing a waist size 29 to 31, depending on the brand and style! :smiley:

18

Alkyhol.

What most irks me is how one tends to use almost anything as an excuse to drink.
Well now I can’t afford you, alcohol, so fuck off. My money’s going on peace-of-mind for the future.

19

I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight yet. I don’t know how it levels out but if I’m drinking more regularly I tend to be more active by default, 'tis a pain in the ass. If I want to drink I’ll head into the city, requires walking not insignificant distances, and if I keep drinking I usually end up at a disco, dancing. :smiley:

20

About 5 years ago I switched to Caffiene Free Coke from regular Mountain Dew to cut down on the caffiene but I found I was drinking as much or more Coke than I was Dew due to the sugar!

(And I’d imagine if you do get drunk on shandy the comedown would be even worse than the equivalent non mixed amount of alcohol, at least it is for me when I mix alcohol and hard sugar. Then again I can get a worse hangover from just sugar than I can from alcohol so YMMV.)