Wow, Baileygrrrl - you have a struggle ahead of you. I just want to point something out to you, though - you have just got a positive, empathetic response from 20-odd people and counting. I don’t think you need the dope or the booze to express yourself; you’re doing fine by yourself.
Many of us have been through what you are going through, and many more have family and friends who have gone through this. No one is going to condemn you for seeking help if help is what you need.
My sister used to put it this way - if you were under something heavy, like a tree that fell on you, would you try to get out of it by yourself, or would you ask for help? Same thing here - help is available to you, and people are here to support you. In my opinion, it’ll be much easier to fix the underlying depression once you’ve stopped self-medicating - depression by itself is hard enough to tackle.
Your doper friends are here pulling for you - best of luck and let us know if we can help. Best wishes, Le Ministre
I also agree about the thinking it’s hiden when it’s not. I used to (and still occassionally do) drink vodka straight, only because I’d read that it was the odourless liquor. Why I believed that I have no idea. Anyhow, after a few months of this my husband and I got into a fight about my drinking and he said ‘You think I can’t smell it on you every night? I KNOW when you’ve been drinking, even if you brush your teeth and use perfume or scented lotion.’
Shocker to me! And even the other night while making dinner I took a big swig of white wine we had in the fridge, then ate some crackers and brushed me teeth. An hour later he asked me if I had been drinking.
It also depends on how fast you drink it. I often drink a bottle of wine plus about two or three shots in 2 1/2 hours, between 6:30 and bedtime at 9. Not a lot if it’s spaced out over an evening, but WAY too much in less then three hours.
I’ve been dealing with similar issues for a long time. I used to drink a bottle of wine every day and still manage to go to work without issues. Eventually I started having minor health problems - mostly stomach related. Now when I drink more than a glass or two of wine, it starts to make me physically ill, yet if there’s a bottle in the house I can’t sleep until it’s gone. Then the next day IF I made it to work, I’m sick all day and cursing myself wishing I could just STOP, but usually I call in sick and stay in bed depressed all day.
My husband has been my savior in dealing with this all along. I’ve gone through periods where I hid it from him - I’d buy the little 4-packs of single-serving wine bottles and stick them in the door of the fridge behind the condiments where he’d be unlikely to see them. I felt incredibly guilty when he praised me for doing really well with the drinking. Now I don’t bother hiding it but I’m in a period where I’m managing to not do it every day. The trick is to not keep any in the house for one thing, and to do my best to ignore the voice that tells me to stop at the liquor store on the way home.
The times when we’ve had alcohol in the house (wine is my biggest weakness), I’ve had to either dump it out, or tell my husband to dump it out otherwise I’m likely to drink it. I think the fact that he’s dealing with a similar addiction (for him it’s food) really helps him understand what I’m dealing with. I know we can’t keep leftovers in the house. Whenever we have a party all the leftovers, except maybe the veggie tray, get tossed immediately after the guests leave - and the wine gets dumped down the drain.
Right now I’m in therapy, although I have mixed feelings about my therapist but at the very least being able to talk about everything helps, and my doctor has me on antidepressants which actually really help diminish my urge to drink. I’m still in the midst of dealing with the depression/anxiety issues, but have at least managed to quit drinking in order to deal with them.
If you can find the courage to talk to someone about it - your husband, a therapist, and/or your doctor at least - it would be a good start on getting yourself back together.