Put bluntly, you had the best advice you were going to get six months ago but you elected to ignore it because you didn’t want to be alone. Well, you’re not alone, so it worked out, I guess.
As for the drinking? If you’re serious about trying to fix things, you need outside help. You can’t influence your wife’s drinking, that much is clear, but you can try and control your own, so go and get help for yourself as a first step: one alcoholic trying to fix another on the grounds that he’s the “functional” one is not going to work.
And finally you’re going to have to accept that your wife’s problem is in her hands, not yours: you can support her to deal with it, but you can’t do it for her. Given her previous pattern of behaviour, in the end, she may decide that the drink is more important to her than your relationship. You need to be prepared to deal with that.
Given my addiction medicine experience, I’d say her the OP’s wife’s chances of significant withdrawal symptoms exceeds 90%. Drinking after vomiting is generally a sign of true major physical dependency.
So already the odds for a severe withdrawal are closer to 50% than 4%. Such withdrawals often have withdrawal seizures and alcoholic hallucinosis. It can be dangerous to undergo these outside of a medical setting too, even if the greatest danger is from self-harm and the fatality rate is relatively low. These are NOT part of Delerium Tremens.
If DTs do occur in an unmonitored setting, fatality rates run as high as 37%. There is a 5% mortality rate is for medically managed DT episodes.
So odds of her dying from withdrawal could easily be greater than 10%. Not huge, but I wouldn’t roll those dice.
I pity the three of you, please set up some kind of automatic feeder/watering device for the cat so its needs can be met at least. Both of you need medical help, see if either workplace offers EAP as it’s usually free counseling and is a good place to start.
Particularly since she has ‘major health issues’ and may have breast cancer. I can’t think of any breast cancer treatment that is compatible with the level of drinking the OP is talking about.
I don’t think any pets should be in that house. You barely support yourselves. Pets get sick or injured, what then? Say you both go on three day benders, who’s feeding the cat? Or even noticing if the cat is having a problem?
And you both have to get sober. No alcohol in the house. Whether she has to go to a facility for detox - probably - but what’s the point if she gets home just to stare at your beer again?
As someone who has seen two family members die from alcoholism and a third killed by a drunk driver, I have zero tolerance for the shenanigans of addicts. Seek serious help and take it seriously or get in the gutter with the rest of them and don’t bother wasting any more time pretending you want to be sober.
I have experience with both marriage(15yrs) and alcoholism(ours). I acquired them in that order. I lost them in that order, as I’ve watched many other couples do the same.
You get to keep the girl or the bottle. That’s the choice, it’s a shitty choice, sorry.
Problems are enhanced if she(or you) has mental health issues. I have experience with that as well.
There’s a bright side though, you both seem to recognize that there’s a problem. Time to get some help(real help) before shit gets worse. Which it almost certainly will. Unless you live in BFE finding that help near you shouldn’t be an issue. The hard part is following through with it while you make shit first bearable, then better.
The argument that your better at alcoholing becuase you’re “functional” and go to work in the morning is delusional bullshit btw, recognise that, it might take awhile to really sink in. I’ll wait…
::interlude::
…OK I’m back, I don’t have all day…
Think of it as “our” problem, not as “her” problem. If you can’t manage that then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship anyways, or won’t be in one very long, at least not one you both want to be in. Which just the fucking Worst. Thing. Ever… I promise.
Seriously, use your Internet connection. Google for help instead of justification then go get it. I’m wishing you the best.
PS. I’m new to the SDMB family and haven’t introduced myself. I’m K2500, and I’m an alcoholic.
There’s five levels of drunk, consumed enough to be:
[ul]
[li]Legally / DUI[/li][li]Hungover[/li][li]Visibly (staggering, slurring words, etc)/bad hangover.[/li][li]Puking[/li][li]Puking & then wanting more[/li][/ul]
I’ve been to #4 before, but probably all the way back in college. It’s been years since #2 & probably quite a while since #1 because I don’t wanna feel like shit the next day. You’re saying you get to #4 but can’t understand how someone gets to #5??? I don’t ‘get’ how you get to #4.
I suggest bar & taxi/uber for you if you must drink & keep the booze outta the house since you know it’s gonna F her up like that. If you want her, you can’t have any booze in the house, at least for now.
I’ve got my issue(s) <— plural but alcohol isn’t among them; IOW I’m not trying to come off holier than thou.
Welcome! That took courage.
Stick around; you appear to be the type that makes this place better.
You do the honorable thing and not drink when you need to work. Your wife needs you not to drink for her health. Do the honorable thing. Since alcoholism is extraordinarily hard to deal with both of you ought to get professional help.
Sounds to me like it starts with you quitting, but with all the justification it doesn’t appear that you want to and are dumping all the fault on your wife.
Rik, alcohol is often used as a way to reduce the intensity of unpleasant thoughts and feelings. It acts like a psychological painkiller for a little while. However, since it’s a depressant, if you make a habit of it, it depresses your mood which leads to more unpleasant thoughts and feelings which leads to more drinking. What are the main unpleasant thoughts and feelings for your wife and you?
It sounds like your wife wants to quit drinking if she asked you not to bring alcohol into the home. That’s a good sign.
Yeah. This. When you have mental/emotional issues and are drinking then you shouldn’t really be in a relationship until you get it sorted out. But if you are in one, then you do need to get it sorted out, and you start doing that by looking at yourself first.
OP hasn’t logged back in since making this post. That’s either a good thing or a bad thing; he’s done the “post and disappear” thing before when he posted about an issue with his wife and went off to think, so it’s not without precedent. With luck they’ve found a good treatment option and are focusing on that.