Dear God, My Wife Again. This is about IT.

[Mister_Rik]

Before I start this thread, please let me apologize for the last one. I was good and drunk when I started it, remembered the next morning that I’d posted, and for my own sake I never returned to it to read the replies. Still haven’t, though somebody was nice enough to send me a PM about it (which I have read, and I apologize for not replying).

But I’ll be coming back to this one, because everything is fucked and I don’t know what to do.

First off: In 1992, when I was 26 years old, I was arrested for DUI. I served my time in jail (30 days, 29 suspended) and paid the $750 fine. My driver’s license was suspended for 90 days. Once the suspension was over, I could have gotten my driver’s license back by attending “alcohol education” classes and AA meetings. But, the thing was, I wasn’t ready to quit drinking. I needed to come to that place on my own, because my reasons at the time for being so frequently drunk were my own, and I needed to work through them.

So I willingly stopped driving. Eventually, I came to the place where I stopped drinking, and ended up remaining completely sober for 13 years. I remained a non-driver for 16 years. Choosing to stop driving for that long resulted in all of my old driving record falling off the books and when, at age 42, I decided I was tired of walking and bicycling and riding the bus and decided to get my license back, I had a clean record. I got a car, and got my license back, and I’ve kept it clean for the last 8 years. This has resulted in remarkably inexpensive car insurance rates. I’ve driven used cars that were either given to me for free, via my church, or which I bought inexpensively and paid cash, so I only needed the minimum liability insurance required by my state law.

And then I got married, at age 50, for the first time.

I’ve gone on and on previously about my wife, so I won’t repeat myself here. I love her, but at this point I am wondering if “loving her” might mean “leaving her”. My wife has many mental and emotional issues, and current events have made some things starkly clear to me.

I’ve been here on the SDMB since 2003. Most of you “know” me, more or less. Aside from a few ill-advised topics I’ve posted, I hope most of you see me as an intelligent guy.

My wife told me that her “friends” think I’m an idiot, and she has gone on about how she told them what a “smart” person I am. Given current events, I suspect that what her “friends” were really implying is that I am naive. And, yeah, I’ll cop to that. It’s certainly possible to be intelligent and naive at the same time.

So here are those “current events”.

Last Monday, November 28, my wife took our car to go to a job interview. The interview was at 3:15PM. Before leaving, she asked for my debit card so that she could buy a can of coffee on the way home, and also buy cigarette tubes (empty, fully-formed cigarettes minus the tobacco, used with a machine that stuffs the tobacco in there).

At 5:15 she texted me that the interview went well (she worked as a nurse, and was interviewing for a job as an in-home caregiver).

At 5:17 she texted me that she’d be home soon, she just needed to stop at the pharmacy to pick up her prescription meds.

She wasn’t “right home”. At 7:28 I texted to ask where she was. And again at 7:50, and then at 8:26.

Around 9:00PM, a pair of police officers knocked on my door and informed me that my wife had been in a car accident and was at the hospital.

I had to call my sister to come pick me up and take me to the hospital, which is completely at the other end of town.

At the hospital, my wife insisted that somebody had pulled out of a parking lot and hit her. I asked her, “Please tell me you weren’t drinking” and she insisted that she hadn’t been.

Then she pulled out her IV and wanted me to help her get dressed, and wanted to “get out of here”. I pointed out that we had no car to “get out of here”, and she didn’t care, she just wanted to escape.

Shortly thereafter, the handy police officer officially arrested her and hauled her off to jail. I was left to gather her belongings in a bag and then walk the three miles back home (my sister couldn’t stick around, needing to be at work very early).

Thank God I live in the county seat, and the county jail is only a few blocks away. I was able to visit my wife in jail two days later. That’s when I learned that part of the reason she was arrested was that she had an outstanding warrant for a Failure To Appear in a different county. It apparently had something to do with a DUI she got in 2012, which she had never told me about.

See, the first time she asked to use the car, I asked her if she had a valid driver’s license. She said she did. And when, after we got married, I asked her if she had a clean driving record, she said she did. And since I did not expect to be lied to by my new wife, I never asked to actually see that license.

So, imagine my surprise when the ticket for her traffic infraction showed up in the mail. And then, the next day, the official accident report from the responding police officer.

My wife was driving the wrong way on a one-way street, and had a head-on collision with another vehicle. In the center lane of a 3-lane, one-way street.

I knew something was up when I got a coworker to drive me to the towing company’s yard so that I could retrieve my work tools (my roll of knives - I’m a chef) from the trunk of the car. One headlight was completely demolished, and the hood was folded up into a tent, leaving the car un-drivable. This damage did not look like “somebody pulled out of a parking lot and hit me”. It was damage consistent with a headon collision (oddly, the airbag was not deployed).

There was an empty beer can on the front floorboard, a 24oz can of high-alcohol beer.

Thank God, according to the police report, nobody in the other vehicle was injured, and the other vehicle drove away afterwards.

According to the accident report, my wife has been charged with negligent driving, and also with driving a vehicle without an ignition interlock. So even if she had a valid, not-suspended license, the car should have had an interlock.

She left me completely unaware of that.

So I talked to my insurance agent, admitting that I had that “feeling of impending doom” (this was a day before I learned that there were no injuries in the other vehicle). I’m insured, but I’m terrified that the other driver (who was actually cited for not having insurance on his own vehicle) is going to sue, and my insurance company is going to decline to pay because I allowed an unlicensed driver to drive my car.

Meanwhile, in my phone conversations with my wife, I have concluded that she is in complete denial. This wasn’t her fault, somebody hit her. She’s being transferred to the other county on Tuesday to deal with the FTA, and she’s convinced that, after her hearing, she’s going to be released on her own recognizance, and that she’s not being charged with anything here. And here I am, looking at this accident report, and seeing “negligent driving” and “interlock”, and OMG, yes, she’s gonna have to stand trial for that shit.

Yeah, "negligent, because alcohol was involved, but she apparently wasn’t drunk enough for DUI.

And I am terrified out of my mind that I’m gonna be charged with something for allowing her to drive my car, and that I’m gonna be responsible for whatever fines. Because she sure as fuck can’t pay the fines.

And aside from all that, here I am, completely fucked for driving. I put in my time and did what was required to clean my driving record, and get affordable insurance rates, and now I’m completely screwed. My car is totalled, and even if I could get a new car, I can’t afford the insurance, thanks to my wife.

And here is where I’m convinced that my wife is totally wack.

In our conversations, in person during my one allowed visit with her in jail (the jail only allows inmates one visit per week), and in our phone conversations, the one thing that has stood out to me is, “you’re not gonna leave me, right?”

She hasn’t once said anything to indicate concern about the people in the other vehicle. She hasn’t once said anything to indicate she accepts any responsibility. She hasn’t said anything that tells me she’s aware that she’s totally fucked me over.

When I talked with her on the phone today, she started up about how she had an idea on how to get a new car.

WTF?!

Bitc … Baby, as long as we’re married, we’re never having another car.

I suspect that she’s gonna be angry when she finds out that, this morning, I told everybody at church what was going on. I’m the bass player on my church worship team. I’ve been playing music with these folks for more than 20 years. The guy working the sound board is the guy who’s been fixing my cars ever since I got my license back. The head usher was my roommate for several years. If I was gonna tell anybody what was going on, it would be these people. I gathered them all together so that I could tell them all at once, so that I didn’t have to keep repeating myself.

I’ve told my mom, and I’ve told my younger sister. My sister’s opinion (she’s happily married to her third husband) is that I should file for divorce right now. She told me that Mom and The Church would encourage me to stick with this marriage … after I told the story, I get the impression that Mom and Church would not blame me.

Help, please?

[Jane_Smythe]

@Mister_Rik

Before I start this thread, please let me apologize for the last one. I was good and drunk when I started it, remembered the next morning that I’d posted, and for my own sake I never returned to it to read the replies. Still haven’t, though somebody was nice enough to send me a PM about it (which I have read, and I apologize for not replying).

But I’ll be coming back to this one, because everything is fucked and I don’t know what to do.

First off: In 1992, when I was 26 years old, I was arrested for DUI. I served my time in jail (30 days, 29 suspended) and paid the $750 fine. My driver’s license was suspended for 90 days. Once the suspension was over, I could have gotten my driver’s license back by attending “alcohol education” classes and AA meetings. But, the thing was, I wasn’t ready to quit drinking. I needed to come to that place on my own, because my reasons at the time for being so frequently drunk were my own, and I needed to work through them.

So I willingly stopped driving. Eventually, I came to the place where I stopped drinking, and ended up remaining completely sober for 13 years. I remained a non-driver for 16 years. Choosing to stop driving for that long resulted in all of my old driving record falling off the books and when, at age 42, I decided I was tired of walking and bicycling and riding the bus and decided to get my license back, I had a clean record. I got a car, and got my license back, and I’ve kept it clean for the last 8 years. This has resulted in remarkably inexpensive car insurance rates. I’ve driven used cars that were either given to me for free, via my church, or which I bought inexpensively and paid cash, so I only needed the minimum liability insurance required by my state law.

And then I got married, at age 50, for the first time.

I’ve gone on and on previously about my wife, so I won’t repeat myself here. I love her, but at this point I am wondering if “loving her” might mean “leaving her”. My wife has many mental and emotional issues, and current events have made some things starkly clear to me.

I’ve been here on the SDMB since 2003. Most of you “know” me, more or less. Aside from a few ill-advised topics I’ve posted, I hope most of you see me as an intelligent guy.

My wife told me that her “friends” think I’m an idiot, and she has gone on about how she told them what a “smart” person I am. Given current events, I suspect that what her “friends” were really implying is that I am naive. And, yeah, I’ll cop to that. It’s certainly possible to be intelligent and naive at the same time.

So here are those “current events”.

Last Monday, November 28, my wife took our car to go to a job interview. The interview was at 3:15PM. Before leaving, she asked for my debit card so that she could buy a can of coffee on the way home, and also buy cigarette tubes (empty, fully-formed cigarettes minus the tobacco, used with a machine that stuffs the tobacco in there).

At 5:15 she texted me that the interview went well (she worked as a nurse, and was interviewing for a job as an in-home caregiver).

At 5:17 she texted me that she’d be home soon, she just needed to stop at the pharmacy to pick up her prescription meds.

She wasn’t “right home”. At 7:28 I texted to ask where she was. And again at 7:50, and then at 8:26.

Around 9:00PM, a pair of police officers knocked on my door and informed me that my wife had been in a car accident and was at the hospital.

I had to call my sister to come pick me up and take me to the hospital, which is completely at the other end of town.

At the hospital, my wife insisted that somebody had pulled out of a parking lot and hit her. I asked her, “Please tell me you weren’t drinking” and she insisted that she hadn’t been.

Then she pulled out her IV and wanted me to help her get dressed, and wanted to “get out of here”. I pointed out that we had no car to “get out of here”, and she didn’t care, she just wanted to escape.

Shortly thereafter, the handy police officer officially arrested her and hauled her off to jail. I was left to gather her belongings in a bag and then walk the three miles back home (my sister couldn’t stick around, needing to be at work very early).

Thank God I live in the county seat, and the county jail is only a few blocks away. I was able to visit my wife in jail two days later. That’s when I learned that part of the reason she was arrested was that she had an outstanding warrant for a Failure To Appear in a different county. It apparently had something to do with a DUI she got in 2012, which she had never told me about.

See, the first time she asked to use the car, I asked her if she had a valid driver’s license. She said she did. And when, after we got married, I asked her if she had a clean driving record, she said she did. And since I did not expect to be lied to by my new wife, I never asked to actually see that license.

So, imagine my surprise when the ticket for her traffic infraction showed up in the mail. And then, the next day, the official accident report from the responding police officer.

My wife was driving the wrong way on a one-way street, and had a head-on collision with another vehicle. In the center lane of a 3-lane, one-way street.

I knew something was up when I got a coworker to drive me to the towing company’s yard so that I could retrieve my work tools (my roll of knives - I’m a chef) from the trunk of the car. One headlight was completely demolished, and the hood was folded up into a tent, leaving the car un-drivable. This damage did not look like “somebody pulled out of a parking lot and hit me”. It was damage consistent with a headon collision (oddly, the airbag was not deployed).

There was an empty beer can on the front floorboard, a 24oz can of high-alcohol beer.

Thank God, according to the police report, nobody in the other vehicle was injured, and the other vehicle drove away afterwards.

According to the accident report, my wife has been charged with negligent driving, and also with driving a vehicle without an ignition interlock. So even if she had a valid, not-suspended license, the car should have had an interlock.

She left me completely unaware of that.

So I talked to my insurance agent, admitting that I had that “feeling of impending doom” (this was a day before I learned that there were no injuries in the other vehicle). I’m insured, but I’m terrified that the other driver (who was actually cited for not having insurance on his own vehicle) is going to sue, and my insurance company is going to decline to pay because I allowed an unlicensed driver to drive my car.

Meanwhile, in my phone conversations with my wife, I have concluded that she is in complete denial. This wasn’t her fault, somebody hit her. She’s being transferred to the other county on Tuesday to deal with the FTA, and she’s convinced that, after her hearing, she’s going to be released on her own recognizance, and that she’s not being charged with anything here. And here I am, looking at this accident report, and seeing “negligent driving” and “interlock”, and OMG, yes, she’s gonna have to stand trial for that shit.

Yeah, "negligent, because alcohol was involved, but she apparently wasn’t drunk enough for DUI.

And I am terrified out of my mind that I’m gonna be charged with something for allowing her to drive my car, and that I’m gonna be responsible for whatever fines. Because she sure as fuck can’t pay the fines.

And aside from all that, here I am, completely fucked for driving. I put in my time and did what was required to clean my driving record, and get affordable insurance rates, and now I’m completely screwed. My car is totalled, and even if I could get a new car, I can’t afford the insurance, thanks to my wife.

And here is where I’m convinced that my wife is totally wack.

In our conversations, in person during my one allowed visit with her in jail (the jail only allows inmates one visit per week), and in our phone conversations, the one thing that has stood out to me is, “you’re not gonna leave me, right?”

She hasn’t once said anything to indicate concern about the people in the other vehicle. She hasn’t once said anything to indicate she accepts any responsibility. She hasn’t said anything that tells me she’s aware that she’s totally fucked me over.

When I talked with her on the phone today, she started up about how she had an idea on how to get a new car.

WTF?!

Bitc … Baby, as long as we’re married, we’re never having another car.

I suspect that she’s gonna be angry when she finds out that, this morning, I told everybody at church what was going on. I’m the bass player on my church worship team. I’ve been playing music with these folks for more than 20 years. The guy working the sound board is the guy who’s been fixing my cars ever since I got my license back. The head usher was my roommate for several years. If I was gonna tell anybody what was going on, it would be these people. I gathered them all together so that I could tell them all at once, so that I didn’t have to keep repeating myself.

I’ve told my mom, and I’ve told my younger sister. My sister’s opinion (she’s happily married to her third husband) is that I should file for divorce right now. She told me that Mom and The Church would encourage me to stick with this marriage … after I told the story, I get the impression that Mom and Church would not blame me.

Help, please?

You are in a very dysfunctional relationship. My advice is to get marriage counseling. The cheapest, maybe even free, counseling is through your church. If your wife doesn’t agree to it, let her go. That’s MHO.

[MichaelEmouse]

What issues are either of you self-medicating for?

[Mister_Rik]

@MichaelEmouse

What issues are either of you self-medicating for?

sigh This is why I didn’t come back to the other thread.

[Sunny_Daze]

Marriage counseling seconded. She also needs some sort of help to manage the alcohol. 12-step, hospital, whatever works for her. You need to support that if she follows through and don’t bring alcohol back into the house or drink around her… It’s like waving a steak in front of a lion. It’s not fair to her to tempt her that way.

[Helena330]

Please take that poor cat back to the shelter.

I have no advice, but I do wish you luck.

[Mister_Rik]

@Sunny_Daze

Marriage counseling seconded. She also needs some sort of help to manage the alcohol. 12-step, hospital, whatever works for her. You need to support that if she follows through and don’t bring alcohol back into the house or drink around her… It’s like waving a steak in front of a lion. It’s not fair to her to tempt her that way.

I went out of my way to not bring booze home to tempt her.

[MichaelEmouse]

@Mister_Rik

sigh This is why I didn’t come back to the other thread.

Unclutch thy pearls, Mister Rik; You’re fairly past huffing and puffing about privacy.

@Mister_Rik

I went out of my way to not bring booze home to tempt her.

and when she asked you for your debit card to buy “a can of coffee on the way home, and also buy cigarette tubes”, you gave it to her. I can’t be the only one who knew where the story was headed when I read that.

You enable her so you can feel better about yourself by comparison.

[elbows]

You don’t want to address the issues either of you have with alcohol?

And you think it’s HER that’s in denial?

Alcohol is precisely why you two got hooked up in the first place. Without it, you’d have both been able to see how dysfunctional/ill advised this marriage was. Without it, she wouldn’t have almost killed some innocent people. Only alcohol would cause you to be surprised that she; isn’t a responsible person, behind the wheel or otherwise, that she can’t be trusted to tell you the truth, and ultimately doesn’t care if her actions cause your ruination.

I’m gonna just stop here, and wish you Good Luck.

(I don’t think you’re really looking for advice, and certain you’ll just abandon this thread when it’s not what you want to hear, like all the rest!)

[bobkitty]

@Mister_Rik

Help, please?

No.

You have started and abandoned a number of threads about your situation, and in each and every one multiple people have given you solid, easily followed advice, from a personal and professional perspective. Each and every time you have dismissed this help, blasted the people offering it, and absolutely insisted on digging your personal hole to hell deeper and deeper. You are now at a point where YOU have got to help YOURSELF. No one here will tell you anything different than what they’ve been telling you for most of a year now, and I hope that no one will be complicit in your apparent desire to have someone else be responsible for making the decision to end your marriage (because wouldn’t it be ironic that the ONE piece of advice you took would be “yeah, you need to get out of there” because then you wouldn’t REALLY be making the decision, and the fallout couldn’t possibly be blamed on you).

You and your wife are dysfunctional. Together you’re dangerous, to each other, yourselves, and the general populace. What happened is a whack over the head learning experience, because you ignored every single other red flag that has been placed firmly in your path since you met. You get to decide what you learn from it. Thank god no one had to be seriously injured or killed for you to get to this point.

[pool]

It seems like to me anyway that you are just looking for an excuse to divorce your wife but you want some kind of “guilt-free” reason for actually going through with it. If you get divorced are you going to tell her this is the reason or are you going to tell her the truth, because honestly to me it sounds like you fell out of love a long time ago. If you do decide to stay together, although she fucked up freaking big time, it isn’t like she did some heinous unforgiveable act, she made a huge mistake, and got lucky she didn’t kill or if I understand correctly even hurt anyone. Honestly I would be more worried about the lying than the wrecking of the car in and of itself. If you want to be with her go to counseling individually and together, give her a chance, no need to kick her too hard, she is already down.

[kayaker]

Look at the bright side.

Hot make-up sex.

[bucketybuck]

That wasn’t about IT at all. :mad:

[Frank]

@bobkitty

No.

You have started and abandoned a number of threads about your situation, and in each and every one multiple people have given you solid, easily followed advice, from a personal and professional perspective. Each and every time you have dismissed this help, blasted the people offering it, and absolutely insisted on digging your personal hole to hell deeper and deeper. You are now at a point where YOU have got to help YOURSELF. No one here will tell you anything different than what they’ve been telling you for most of a year now, and I hope that no one will be complicit in your apparent desire to have someone else be responsible for making the decision to end your marriage (because wouldn’t it be ironic that the ONE piece of advice you took would be “yeah, you need to get out of there” because then you wouldn’t REALLY be making the decision, and the fallout couldn’t possibly be blamed on you).

You and your wife are dysfunctional. Together you’re dangerous, to each other, yourselves, and the general populace. What happened is a whack over the head learning experience, because you ignored every single other red flag that has been placed firmly in your path since you met. You get to decide what you learn from it. Thank god no one had to be seriously injured or killed for you to get to this point.

This should be posted over and over again until it sinks in. It’s time for Mister Rik to face reality.

[TriPolar]

This is what alcoholics do. I have seen this play out too many times. This only ends well in fairy tales. Stop drinking and get away from her.

[elbows]

He can’t. She can’t. They are both already so brain damaged from alcohol abuse that they literally can’t think straight any more.

Witness her delusion that she wasn’t at fault for this accident. In the face of hard forensic evidence to the contrary. That’s damage to the brain due to alcohol. Witness his insistence that he marry her against even his pastors advice. Believing that somehow two hardcore alcoholics, one with drug abuse problems, both in the final tragic stages of alcohol abuse, can make a go of it in this crazy world. That’s delusion, straight up!

More red flags than Chinese New Year but he just HAD to marry! Delusion/inability to think even marginally clearly. The first evidence that the brain is damaged from continuous alcohol abuse over many, many years.

The saddest things is that once you reach the deluded, can’t think your way out of a paper bag, state there is little to no hope of ever now turning the train off the track. You can’t get help through to a person who can’t see a problem. Can’t see anything clearly, in fact, just delusions, “they couldn’t have known, it really isn’t their fault, no, someone hit me”, it’s all just more of the same.

This is end game stuff. All that’s left to do is stand by and watch as they self destruct. Try and take solace in the knowledge that this was their goal all along, so they’re kinda getting their wish.

(Father high functioning executive alcoholic spanning decades. Ended just this way. Deluded, couldn’t think straight. No longer living in a real world. Pointless to try and help. Just stand back and watch as they do what they’re going to do. Tragic.)

[Mangetout]

@bucketybuck

That wasn’t about IT at all. :mad:

Yeah, here I was, ready to suggest turning it off, then back on again.

[Annie-Xmas]

Get rid of her. She’s keeping you from concentrating on helping yourself. You need help, and you are not going to face it as long as you make everything about her.

[Waxwinged]

@bobkitty

No.

You have started and abandoned a number of threads about your situation, and in each and every one multiple people have given you solid, easily followed advice, from a personal and professional perspective. Each and every time you have dismissed this help, blasted the people offering it, and absolutely insisted on digging your personal hole to hell deeper and deeper. You are now at a point where YOU have got to help YOURSELF.

This.

People offered advice and condolences in your previous thread. At least give them the respect of READING IT.

[Mavic_Chen]

@kayaker

Look at the bright side.

Hot make-up sex.

Yeah, be there for each other and all that. Plus get third party support, it’ll be easier than attempting it on your own.