I think you’ll find, on review, he has never expressed any desire for sobriety. For either of them. He’s not worried about himself because he’s ‘high functioning’. And he doesn’t need her to quit just be able to get up and go to work hung over. Like he does.
I expect that’s why he abandons these threads. Because we are all needlessly obsessed with the alcoholism!
I’m not sure why you feel this question should be off limits, because it’s really the crux of what’s at issue here. If you both could address why you need to keep drinking always, despite its horrible costs to everyone and everything, then there might be help out there for you as a couple. If not, what’s the point? Because it will always come back down to justifying living in hell just to get your next drink.
If you love her, the humane response is to do everything in your power to help her.
I love my wife. If she had a problem, I would carry her to help if necessary. I would quit my job to be her caretaker.
Bullshit like “if you love her, you have to leave her” is a meaningless platitude people repeat to excuse themselves from doing the heavy lifting.
If you don’t love your wife, feel free to leave her. Just don’t tell yourself that you’re doing her a favor and somehow helping.
I was a much, much more functional version of your wife, but my significant other of 9 years left me partly because I was a mess. Sometime later, I asked her why she left me when I needed help. The response came, “I didn’t want to put that effort in,” - it was clear she didn’t really love me and she made the right choice for her. That’s fine, I moved on.
First, I wish you luck. Lots and lots of luck. I also wish and will pray that you actually read what others have written and take it to heart. We are all strangers here; as MichaelEmouse said better than I could, it’s time you quit taking offense at the very expert advice that has been given to you repeatedly.
You cannot change her behavior. I’ll repeat this: you cannot change her behavior. What you can do—if you really, truly want to—is to help her find help. From my perspective it appears that you entered a marriage of convenience: she moved in with you well before the marriage not because it was something you really really really wanted, but because she had to otherwise she would be homeless. You admitted you weren’t sexually attracted to her yet married her anyway (I understand that there are sexless / platonic marriages, but it doesn’t appear that’s what you had in mind when you tied the knot). And of course there’s booze: you’re both alcoholics and find comfort and solace in drink, and, apparently, use that need as a common ground. There’s some weird co-dependency thing going on that’s not going to even attempt to analyze, other than to say it’s fucking both of you up royally. The end result is that she lies to you and you don’t want her around anymore.
Rick, you say you love her. Do you? Do you really and truly love her? Or do you love the idea of being married? Fearful of being alone? These are valid reasons wanting a life partner but not necessarily valid reasons to actually find one if you aren’t ready for the commitment. Frankly, it was apparent long ago to the entire board that you weren’t. The very fact that you have refused the advice given to you, dismissed comments like from posters like MichaelEmouse, and by all accounts refuse actual help tells me that no, you don’t want advice. Which is too bad as right now your marriage is disintegrating faster than a dog turd in a downpour. You want to rant, you want to vent, you want to complain. I won’t say that isn’t valid—hell, all of us married folk get pissed off at our spouse from time to time. But your sincerity will be questioned when you repeatedly ignore the advice and suggestions of the people whose opinions you seek.
If you want advice, then fucking take it when it’s being offered. Every. Single. Person. on this board who has given you legitimate and sincere advice has basically said the same thing: get help. Get help for yourself and try to get your wife to seek help. What form of help that is I cannot say. Clearly you both need 1) marriage counseling, 2) substance abuse treatment, 3) individual counseling. Because if you don’t then this:
Will apply all the more than it already significantly does. At this point
Is exactly what we, the denizens of this board and, even though you don’t realize it, most likely the people in your life that you interact with (pastor, brothers and sisters at church, family, co-workers, and… well, every single other person that knows you and your wife) are watching unfold.
Rik, your wife = my ex husband (and why he’s my ex.) Thankfully, he did receive good treatment and is sober and happily married to someone else. None of this shitstorm can improve until you are both sober.
Why do you live your life, seeking reassurance from others? You are as bad as your wife, only seeking confirmation from you that you’re not going to leave her.
You two clearly aren’t living your lives seeking the best for each other, so there’s really no need for you two to be together. You both live it as single people, so you’d be better off as a single person.
This. YOU rushed into an ill-advised marriage against the advice of a lot of people, both here and in meatspace, with a troubled woman you barely knew because YOU didn’t want to be alone and blew off everyone who tried to offer advice.
Listen, if someone steps in dog shit and complains that their shoe is dirty, I’ll sympathize and help them find some paper towels. If someone keeps stepping in dogshit and complaining about dirty shoes, I’ll tell them to start watching where they walk and maybe keep off the grass in the dog park. If someone takes a running jump into a pool of raw sewage and paddles around, past ladders and life preservers every few feet, showing no signs of leaving, and still complaining that their shoes stink, they’re on their own.
It is possible, but very unlikely, that a 50ish year chronic alcoholic is going to change. 99% of the time people at that age who are chronic alcoholics are going to drink until they die, either directly, or because they suffer some debilitating drinking related medical condition.
I am not a follower of your threads about your wife but based on this specific OP it really does not sound at this point like you like her all that much or that either of you are helping the other progress in any fashion. You’re two semi-functional alcoholics hanging onto life and a non-homeless existence by your fingertips. You seemed shocked and stunned she did not reveal all the past license issues. She’s effectively a drug addict WTF would you really expect? You might have done the same if you were in her shoes and a well meaning SO was offering you a hand up in your life.
Based your apparent unwillingness to take commonsense advice because your heart wants what it wants I’m not sure what any kind of counsel is going to do for you at this point. As a practical matter I would advise you to get over your childish refusal to get another car. Your friends will apparently help to provide you with a driveable car for little to no money. Adults need cars unless they are in a big city with a 24-7 public transportation system. People living on the edge especially need cars if they can get them. Do not let your anger over this accident make you illogical about this. You can’t live like teenager in your 50’s depending on everyone else for rides.
The fact that **this **poster had only this to say is a hugely important message the OP is probably ignoring b/c it isn’t what he wants to hear (never is when he asks this same question every few months); to put it mildly, **QtM **knows his shit when it comes to substance abuse and where that lands the abusers and their remaining tattered circle of friends and family. If there was a glimmer of hope in this tale, he’d find it and want the OP to see it, too.
But if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. We’re all banging our heads against the wall at this point, Mister Rik, why do you keep asking us the same thing if you’re only going to ignore us? Do you think we have a hidden repository of magic that solves the unsolvable, fixes the unfixable if only you ask us a dozenth time?
If we did do you think we’d waste on someone who simply chooses to keep doing the easier, wrong thing and not a person willing to make very hard, but right, choices?
One thing I’ve learned is never put more effort into another person’s recovery than they are willing to put into it themselves. Our OP has been given good orderly direction before, and is unwilling or unable to follow it. And while I know his pain, I know also when it’s time for me to detach.
But there is hope. More than a glimmer. People do recover from alcoholism and the madness of co-dependence. Families recover. But everyone has to do their own work.