My wife and I: Still doing this

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve intentionally kept myself away from here for the most part, for the last few months. Asking for marriage advice from anonymous strangers on the internet who really don’t know me or my wife has been unfruitful, and has mostly resulted in people yelling at me and insulting my wife. I mistakenly thought that, being a regular SDMB poster for 13+ years equated with “these people know me”. That was the result of my isolating myself from the real world for too many years.

To those of you who have yelled and insulted … I apologize. I was asking too much, and asking wrongly. The situation between my wife and myself is a personal thing, and I was wrong to throw my questions out into the anonymous internet.

So, again, I apologize.

But I wanted to update you on the current situation. I spilled the beans to you, and I think it’s only fair that I describe the cleanup.

My wife has finally hit “rock bottom”, as all addicts need to do. She has finally realized that, if she does not stop drinking, she is going to die.

I came home from work on my birthday, May 17, to find my wife already drunk. Given that she has no income, and I hadn’t given her any money, I didn’t know at first how this had happened. It turned out that my mother had sent us a Safeway gift card, and my wife intercepted it in the mail. She used it to buy me a birthday cake … and herself some alcohol. Shortly after I got home, she started having intense chest pains (she suffers from congestive heart failure). I called an ambulance, and I spent the rest of my birthday in the emergency room. I had already informed the EMTs that she had been drinking (I had already found the empty containers), and once we were in the emergency room they did a breath and blood test on her that both showed how much she had in her system, and she insisted that she had gone to her AA meeting that very night and that she hadn’t been drinking.

Then she got drunk on her own birthday, June 1. And it again resulted in a trip to the emergency room.

After that, she voluntarily went to detox. As soon as she was done with a week in detox, taking Librium, a drug they give to relieve alcohol withdrawal symptoms, she voluntarily enrolled herself in rehab.

I haven’t seen my wife in three weeks, aside from a couple very brief moments when I was delivering clothes to her at the clinic. I get to finally visit her tomorrow, briefly. I’ll have to cut out of work for a bit to go see her.

God, I just want her to get better. I love her so very very much.

2

Best of luck to you both!

3

My best wishes for strength to you both.

4

My sympathies.

I hope she can renounce alcohol.

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Hoping there are better times ahead for you both.

6

My sympathies. Addiction can be a bitch.

Take care of yourself.

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Leaffan, I am trying to.

Thanks for the encouragement :slight_smile:

I am utterly unequipped to deal with this, but I’m hanging in there.

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Wishing her success in rehab. Wishing you strength.

9

great news for both of you!
But, don’t forget there are 2 people in that relationship. You need to take care of yourself while she takes care of herself. Find someone you can talk to; a doctor, a support group - someone. and be patient with yourself as well as her.
bon voyage!

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[In general] I don’t think anyone is. My ex-wife had multiple, simultaneous eating disorders. While it’s not a drinking problem, per se, I could argue that it (they) were still an addiction. Regardless, the point is she was a different person. One thing that I used to say is that they should have support groups for the significant others/loved ones of people with eating disorders*. I mentioned to a friend that’s struggled with eating issues about how my ex was a different person during that time and she said, paraphrased, ‘yes, that’s true, her brain was dehydrated and starved for nutrients, it wasn’t functioning properly’.

Anyways, yeah, on top of everything else, that’s going on with this, don’t be too hard on yourself, her brain isn’t functioning properly and if she’s ‘not herself’ for a while don’t get too stressed out or hung up on her not being the person you married. Give her some time to dry out.
*A)Come to think of it any group that has a support group, seems like it would be a natural fit for another support group for their counterparts. I really could have used someone to talk to that knew what I was going through. B)As for what that person said to me, I can’t vouch for it being true, I’m just repeating it, but it made sense and it made me feel at least someone better.
PS, I was going to suggest you could find a message board for recovering alcoholics/AA members but then it dawned on me, duh AlAnon is specifically for family and friends of alcoholics (And I’m sure they have plenty of message boards around the internet as well, you don’t even have to post, sometimes you just need to read).

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Best wishes to you both. This won’t be easy. Rehab and counseling, just like substance use itself, can feel simultaneously like “a bit too much” and “not nearly enough.” Here’s hoping that you two can reach a small equilibrium and move on positively in the future.

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I wonderd where you had got to and how you and the wife were doing.

Both of you, best wishes and hope things work out. I’ll say a prayer for you both.

13

My heart is breaking for you.

Find yourself an alanon group and go often–once a week or more. I can’t stress how important this is. It is the very best way to help her. You will learn about boundaries and what constitutes help and what does not. It’s not what you think. You will learn how to save your sanity while still loving her.

Sending both of you all the good wishes in the world.

14

Your mother sent you a gift card on your birthday and your wife used it to get drunk?

There are no words…

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But there are people who can help you. Can you look and see if there are Al-Anon groups in your area?

I’m sorry it came to this but I truly hope it will be the beginning of a better path for both of you.

16

That on its own wouldn’t be a big deal to me. Monetary gifts, including shopping vouchers, just go into general funds at our home and each of us uses them to buy what we think is needed. We sometimes argue over irresponsible spending, but where exactly the money came from does not factor in.

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It has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the fact that it was a GIFT from his MOTHER, for HIM. Duh.

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Get professional help for yourself ASAP. If you think you can’t afford it, think about how long you can afford to live as you’ve been living. It adds up to much more mental expense the way you’re doing it now.
And if you don’t want advice from this board don’t describe a problem to this board; you’ve been around long enough to know that, so don’t do the same thing and expect a different result.

19

I take it you haven’t known too many addicts, have you?

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Good luck to both of you, Rik!