I believe that I am living with a secret drinker (who isn’t very good at keeping secrets). I need help, as I have never had to deal with this in my life before.
I am not interested in any group that refers to a “higher power” so I am hoping that there is an alternative to Al-Anon that is more secular. I googled it but I didn’t come up with anything.
I really just want to get moral support and some guidance in the best way to handle this, whether he continues to drink or not. Any ideas?
It’s tough. AA is the dog in the manger when it comes to alcoholism, and if you’re one of those it works for, good. If you’re not… it can be very difficult to find alternatives, because all roads lead to the Big Book.
Call a few family/substance abuse counselors in your area and ask. Unless they’re Really Good Friends of Bill W., they should be able to point you to some alternate resources.
“dog in the manger”?
I’m going to recommend that you still try out a couple of Al-Anon groups in your area before you worry about their religious bent…different groups have different personalities, and while they will all mention the Higher Power, some will be infinitely more flexible about what that actually means. If you find the right group, for example maybe one at a UU church, you might find that the group itself can be your Higher Power, or something absurd, like the Force.
Really, there’s an enormous amount of comfort to be found in just sitting around hearing people’s stories and how amazingly familiar they will be.
Here is a good article about alternatives to 12-step programs.
Thank you, Czarcasm, I will look into those.
And thank you, Maserschmidt, for your suggestion as well, it does make sense. Since I live in San Francisco, I can probably find one of those types of Al-Anon groups, if the alternatives don’t work out.
Just tried a cigar with the mouth piece dipped in Cognac. I liked it.
Not something I’d do more than 2-3 times a year.
Q: Do I need to kow-tow to some Hokey Higher Power for Penance and Salvation…?
See here also.
Since you are actually around a bigger city, I would check into local clubs/centers and ask them for suggestions. Around here we have everything from sober biker clubs to actual nightspots built around sobriety. There is a local (to me) club/organization that patterns itself after AA but without the “higher power” part - perfect fit for a friend who is very strongly against the concept of a higher power. Their success rate is basically the same and I found them by asking around.
I’m familiar with the term, but confused about how it applies to AA.
There used to be Rational Recovery Programs in most large cities, not sure about now. Their website is:
https://rational.org/index.php?id=1
Program is based upon cognitive therapy.
The group leader/therapist when I was going to IOP was a long time sober alcoholic who was a member of this group.
His take was that both use the same sorts of processing emotions etc but found higher powers in different places.
He was very pro AA, very something/anything in a group so that a person doesn’t feel alone.
I’ve never been to any of the meetings of LifeRing, personally, but it’s a secular option.
Google Bright Eyes Forum - it’s totally none AA - I found it so helpful on my journey and i’m now over 6 years sober
AA groups just rent space from churches and other places. Churches don’t sponsor groups. So the denomination doesn’t matter. But I second checking out different meetings because they do differ a great deal.
It’s also worth checking alcohol treatment centers in the area–they generally know what’s available by way of Al-Anon and alternatives to it.
I don’t think the requirement to worship some version of a higher power is a big deal. Meetings are not everyone saying “my imaginary higher power told me to do this, and when I said the magic words and rubbed the magic lamp it worked.”
The biggest problem in Al Anon is newcomers who come in asking for equally unrealistic magic formulas to get their partners to quit drinking. And when they don’t get one they ball.
“Wait, you don’t offer that here? You want me to examine why I keep getting into relationships with drunken losers? Sorry, that’s not me. I’m just a righteous victim. I’m a good person (and I always choose bad partners so I look good in comparison). Oh no, no shit to own here.”
With respect to the higher power aspect of AA, I once heard a story of guy who said the big sign in front of K-Mart was his higher power. Every time he walked by it, he said it reminded him to “Keep My Ass Right Today”. So the concept of a higher power is up to the individual. No god required.
That’s cute, but when it comes to actually following AA it falls apart. A friend of mine who attended meetings at several locations was told more than once that as long as a higher power is “greater” than the individual, then the only condition is that it should also be loving and caring.
The “Higher Power” referred to in The Big book is mentioned three times, and I don’t think a big sign in front of K-Mart meets these qualifications:
-“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
-“The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.”
-“Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!”
Doorknobs and K-Mart signs don’t exactly qualify, do they? At the very least, the “Higher Power” is spiritual in nature.
Yes, they do. If I believe the K-Mart sign can restore me to sanity, just by reminding me to stay sober for one day, then it has a power I did not have without it. In that sense, it is somewhat religious, because it relies on faith, but without all the judgement and problems with omnipotence and creation. The K-Mart sign doesn’t judge me when I fail; it just reminds me that there is an alternative. It has no power over human events, or the way the universe works. It gives me hope, just by being there. Personally, I chose the stars at night. Every time I looked up, I saw the infinite universe, and I came to associate that with staying sober for just one day. I can’t tell you why or how that happens; I came to believe it. The higher power one chooses only needs to focus my belief that I can quit drinking for one day. It can be different for everyone.
As an atheist, I had no problem with AA. Personally I never got past step two, yet I have been sober for 18 years. The only thing I needed was the belief that I could quit drinking for one day, which I got by listening to others who had been there before. Some of it is crap; some of it is wisdom. You take what is useful, and leave the rest on the table. Some people need more structure, some less. It happens sooner for some, some longer or not at all. But the first rule is, don’t work the other guy’s program. If it works for him, then it doesn’t need to meet anyone else’s standards. Anyone in AA who says different is misguided.
Having been in AA for over 3 decades, I must say that practically speaking, there are LOT of us agnostics and atheists in AA with long-term sobriety and satisfying lives. We manage to find the ‘higher power’ that we need, and don’t get hassled for it to any significant degree. These days, individuals pushing any particular belief as the ‘right way’ or being critical of someone else’s tend to get the group’s disapproval.
As for Al-Anon, the same seems to apply there. The group my wife started in our UU church is pretty secular, and voted to stop doing the “Lord’s Prayer” as it was seen as being off-putting to many potential and current members.
Check out some groups, attend one that suits you. The fellowship with others is very, VERY helpful.
If you can find such support outside AA/Al-Anon, go for it. It’s out there too, just harder to find, in my experience.
The above represents my experience only. But I’ve been to a lot of meetings all over the US and Canada, for a long time. There are individual groups I’d avoid like the plague but to me they’re the exception and not the rule.
Personally, I have no need for the help. I am just saying that there are alternatives to both the 12-step programs and the idea that alcoholism is an incurable disease.