My father-in-law is being a fucking bully

The BBQ Pit
1

I am still so pissed off that I can barely speak, but this has been going on for two, almost three days now.

Long story short. My husband and I are in the process of buying a house. He has outstanding credit with very little debt, I have terrible credit with some debt. We decided from the beginning that we would probably not be approved with my credit, too, so we would run the mortgage under only his. We were pre-approved with his credit only without a problem. However, that doesn’t mean that only he is responsible for the mortgage. I’ll be put on the title. I also make more money than he does, so we will be able to pay down my debt within a year to a year and a half, pay our mortgage, pay our utilities, put money into savings and still have plenty left over every month for everything else. I have worked VERY hard to control my spending issues, and I am learning to take better care of my money.

In the meantime, my father-in-law, who is our realtor, suddenly decides that we aren’t adult enough to do our own finances. We found a house last Saturday and went back last night to look again. We want to put an offer on this house. Instead of putting the offer, he throws a mortgage application at me and tells me to fax it to the lender. Because HE’S worried. Yet he hasn’t asked us one question about our financial status, he hasn’t asked what my salary is, he hasn’t asked how we’ve budgeted - which I would have gladly told him had he ASKED.

So now, although we KNOW my credit is terrible, and I would not qualify for a house, he wants me to drag up my credit report and just remind me of how shitty it is. It’s EMBARRASSING to me, and I’m basically going to be humiliated. My husband and I are adults, and we’re dealing with my problems. We wouldn’t want to buy the house if we didn’t think we could afford it - and believe me, my husband is Mr. Responsibility. If he thought it was an issue, we wouldn’t be doing it. There is NO reason to pull a credit report on me, and I am going to tell the mortgage lender that if we do, I do NOT want him talking to my FIL about this. This is a privacy issue - and I’m sorry, it’s just none of his fucking business. Let me clarify - this is NOT coming from the lender. This is coming from my father-in-law. The lender pre-approved us for a house with my husband and had NO problem with that last week. It’s my FIL making this an issue.

So we had the biggest fight of our relationship last night - we’ve only been married three months, and we have NEVER fought like this before. And he doesn’t understand why this pisses me off so much. He thinks his dad is just looking out for us. No, his father is our REALTOR. He has no say in how we conduct our financial affairs. We will gladly listen to his advice, but there’s no rule that says we’re required to take it. And he IS a bully who intimidates my husband. That’s what pisses me off. My husband isn’t standing up for me to his father because he’s intimidated. It’s complete bullshit.

My family is up in arms - my mother is pissed, and my sister is about to come down here and kick his ass (then again, she already can’t stand him because he was an asshole to her at the wedding). My dad is trying to stay calm, but I can tell he’s pissed, too. And still, my husband doesn’t understand what’s wrong. My parents know my financial situation in full, but that’s because they are my PARENTS and they are my friends - I asked them for advice because I respect them. I’m not used to being bullied by a parent, nor do I find it acceptable.

Am I being a complete child about this? Or am I right to think that just because he’s our realtor doesn’t mean he has any right to pry into our finances? We do NOT get monetary help from his parents, nor mine, nor do we need it. So he has no more right to see my credit report and financial information than Joe Schmoe down the road. And he’s causing stress on my marriage at the same time - which is unnacceptable.

That felt good.

E.

2

Why can’t you just say “The mortgage isn’t going to be in my name, so there’s no reason for me to apply for one.”

If he asks again after that, say: “No.”

3

I don’t see any problems with your position.

You husband is acting like a pussy for saying that it’s OK because “his father is just looking out for you”.

I’d do some quick research and make some calls if necessary to find out if your FIL’s actions are grounds for complaints to his realty company or whatever realty governing group he’s a part of. That info would be nice to have in your back pocket.

I’d also look over any contractual docs that you signed when you accepted him as your realtor, and if there were none, you could just walk away from his representation on the grounds that he’s acting in an unethical or unprofessional manner (a real estate lawyer might be able to help determine if this might be the case, and the call would probably be free if it looked like there might be some action for the lawyer).

I’d pursue any mortgage/lending issues privately with the lender of your choice, and there is no reason to toss your credit history into the mix if you don’t want or need to. And, if a lender already pre-approved you guys, then there is no need to fill out any kind of mortgage papers for another lender - and certainly there is no obligation on your part to fill them out for the FIL. Do you have documented proof that you’ve been pre-approved? If so, that’s good enough for a realtor.

Real estate buying/selling is nothing to screw around with. Personally, I’d be loaded for bear, and while I’d outwardly be calm and not say much, I’d at least be ready for a fight.

As for your husband, tell him that his Daddy either gets his fingers outa your panties, or he can forget the house deal. Anytime a husband/wife starts in on a course of action that favors a parent over a spouse, you’ve got the potential for a big problem. Events like these can tell you a lot - I’d go forward carefully.

You’re on the right side of this one. But I’m not a lawyer, and I expect that there will be more factually-useful responses here than mine.

4

You already know this by now, but that’s what you get for going into business with family. This is a business transaction and he will probably make some money on the deal in the form of a commission, albeit a lower one presumably.
He still has no right to pry into your personal finances. I have no idea why he needs to see the application that he requested you fill out. Can’t you just take it and say, “thank-you I’ll fill this out and submit it to the lender” and then just toss the thing in the garbage? Or tell him you guys have everything squared away and you don’t want another search hit on your credit report. You loose points everytime someone does a credit check on you.

None of this deals with the underlying problem of the bully FIA. You’ll just have to deal (or choose not to) with him in the future in a way that you and the hubby work out.

5

Righto. Tell him “no”. it’s simple and correct, and it will put the ball into the FIL’s hands (and your husband’s hands too) for them to either do the right thing, or the wrong thing. Then you get to see what they’re made of, and you go from there.

6

What **Metacom ** said. If your husband is already approved without your income there is no reason to bring up your credit. It can’t help as you are already approved but it most certainly can hurt. What does you FIL think will come of it? The only thing that could happen is that the lender decides not to give you the loan. Tell him you are not doing it period and tell your husband it’s time to stand up for himself and you. Nothing good comes from them having your credit report.

7

Tell the father-in-law to take a long walk off a short pier.

And tell your husband to grow some stones.

8

You need to work this out with your spouse and let him deal with his parents. In-laws can be an absolute nightmare when it comes to “their child’s home” and it can end in disaster.

However, you have one very safe and effective tactic that you should not hesitate to use because you do not owe them anything. That is to refuse to speak to them about any details of the purchase except on the most polite and vague terms. Let your spouse know how you feel and he really needs to stand up for you.

You and your spouse should stand together on this, and if he can’t see this right away then there are other issues to work out. I am not saying there is anything wrong with the marriage. I am just saying that some “children” have problems wrestling control away from their parents.

Let me tell you a little story:

My wife and I bought a fixer-upper house on 2 and 1/2 acres almost 4 years ago. The house was built in 1760 and was neglected for almost 100 years. We put our heart and soul into this property, working every hour that we weren’t at work or asleep for 2 and 1/2 years. Of course, we couldn’t afford to pay for everything ourselves (although we took out loans for a lot of it). Her parents are older and just gave us the money as “gifts”. At least I thought it wasn’t a present to both of us. My wife and I got into a massive series of fights last summer over some stuff that I don’t want to go into.

Her parents called me and told me that they wanted to “buy me out” if we got a divorce. Buying out meant giving me back my original $15,000 that I had contributed to the down-payment. Nevermind the fact that our house had appreciated almost $300,000 through the work the we BOTH busted our ass on every waking hour for 2 1/2 years.

We are not going to get a divorce but I am shaking thinking about this now. You need to nip this in the bud now. Deal with your spouse and stonewall and evade with your FIL. Remeber, you have a lot of simple legal power in this. You can just refuse to sign anything in which you think there may be an abuse of his family power over you.

9

Ah, am I missing something?

You (or your husband, really) are pre-approved for a mortgage. Check.
You found a house and want to make an offer. Check.
Now your father-in-law, who is your Realtor, wants you to fax in an application to the lender. Is this not SOP?

He didn’t ask to look at your finances, he didn’t require you to put your particular name on the application, he doesn’t want to see your credit report. He just wants to know that you, as a couple, will be able to swing a loan for this particular house. The one you want to make an offer on.

So what am I missing?

10

I’m a little confused. Does your FIL know that you’ve been pre-approved based on your husband’s credit? You said he doesn’t know anything about your finances so I can’t tell if he’s aware of what you and your husband have planned.

How much does he know?

11

With the several house purchases I’ve been involved in, a mortgage pre-approval document from a lender was all the realtor needed to move forward in good faith with the offer documents to the seller.

12

Are you pre-approved or pre-qualified? If you are preapproved, I can’t iamgine why he would be worried and why there would be any need to fax any documents to the lender. Does your father-in-law know about your past credit problems? If not, it could be an innocent mistake on his part.

13

You need to change realtors pronto. You would not put up with this from anyone else, why put up from it from a family member?

14

Your husband is being a punk. You need to get a different realtor and cut your control freak FIL right out of your business. If your husband is unwilling to support you or stand up to his daddy now, then he never will and you need to make a decsion about whether you can stay married to him AND his father (because that’s how it will always be until your husband grows some balls) or whether you need to rethinink the marriage. You need to force your husband to decide who’s side he’s on.

15

I’ll try to answer as much as I can before I have to go.

Metacom, that’s what I want to do. But I’ve never had to stand up to my parents before - our relationship hasn’t really worked that way. This is a new thing for me. But believe me, I"m just about ready to call him and tell him to shove the mortgage application up his ass.

Booka, thanks. I honestly have tried to see his side, and I’m coming up with nothing. And it’s driving me absolutely batty. We HAVE been pre-approved. The lender and I spoke at length about my credit history, and I know what steps I need to take to improve it. Once it’s fixed, we’ll refinance and put me on the mortgage. But my FIL didn’t ask, he just told.

Uncommon Sense, the only good thing about this is that he’s going to give us back the commission - this is our wedding gift from his parents. But even that’s not worth this kind of freakin’ hassle.

Grant, thank you. My husband keeps telling me “Oh, they won’t rescind the loan” - bullshit. They can do anything they want. We have been preapproved, we have no reason to bring anything else into it.

mhendo, I wish I could. As far as my husband, he’s coming out bad in this, but I don’t really blame him for all of it (yes, I am upset that he doesn’t back me up). I realize that when his father’s been bullying him for most of his life, it’s hard to fight back. And I know he’s working on it. I just wish it came easier to him a little sooner.

Thanks. And you know, I can admit that it IS causing problems in our marriage. Do I think it’s something we can work out? Yes. Do I think it’s going to take time? Yeah, I do. But I think his standing up to his father would be a damn good start.

zut, we’ve already done all we need to do for approval. I talked to the lender at length about my credit, and I’m sorry, I’m not doing it again at my FIL’s whim when it’s not coming directly from the lender. It’s none of his business what my credit looks like and if the lender has already pre-approved us on my husband’s credit and salary, and has already TOLD me that we don’t need to pull my credit report, then I’m going to listen to him. Not my FIL on a power trip.

Zoff, yes, he knows we’ve been pre-approved. He also knows most of our combined finances - or at least what my husband has told him. The biggest problem is that he hasn’t ASKED. If he had asked me a week ago about my finances, I would have laid it all out for him. But he’s just proven that he has no respect for us as adults with this. The fact is, he has let it get this far without even asking one thing about what we’ve discussed in terms of budget, and if that’s the case, I don’t think he needs to know a damn thing.

I did just talk to my father, and he advised me to call the lender and tell the lender to tell FIL to back off (in nicer terms, obviously). That we have discussed it with the lender, and we will proceed as planned.

E.

16

I don’t think our marriage is in danger. Yes, we argued about it last night and the night before, but I think it’s something we can work through. A lifetime of bullying can’t be fixed in one day, and I’m not expecting him to do that. I am expecting him to back me up on this, and it’s one of the things we’ve agreed to discuss again tonight when we get home. Although I’m calling him in a moment when we leave for lunch, so we’ll discuss it at lunch, too.

It’s just very, very frustrating at the moment.

brujo, we are pre-approved. So there shouldn’t be any more discussion about this, you know? And my FIL does know i have credit problems, but not the extent, because I don’t think it’s any of his business. All he needs to know is that I have them, but we are taking steps to fix them, and the lender is aware of this.

E.

17

Well, i hope it all turns out OK. Best of luck.

18

Tell you FiL that if he can’t be professional about this transaction that you will get a new realtor.
Teach your husband by example on how to stand up to a bully.

19

Yeah, if you’re pre-approved, I can’t imagine why he would want to muck around with it. Did he give any kind of explanation as to why he thinks it should be done? The next time you see him, ask him why he thinks this is a good idea, since the mortgage has been pre-approved.

Good luck with the home purchase. My wife and I are just starting the process, so I can definitely sympathise with you. It’s stressful enough without any other complications thrown in.

20

As I understand it, a realtor is required to present any offer the the seller, even if the realtor thinks it’s a ridiculous offer. I guess he’s acting like an ass because he feels he can do that to family. I’d suggest that you contact the seller or the seller’s agent and just simply ask them if they have received you offer from your agent. They will certainly be interested and contact your father-in-law to see what the hold up is. Maybe getting the other realtor involved will prompt him to act like a professional. If not, I’d consider another realtor. I’d be livid if the house was sold by the time the offer was finally presented to the seller.