You and your family love our house, and want to buy it. You put in an offer, and we accept. We’re completely up front about improvements we’ve made to the house, and more importantly we’re up front about the things you might want to do down the road. The house was built in 1860, so a little wear is kinda to be expected. That’s why we priced it the way we did, and you were completely cool with that. Terrific – that’s exactly the way it should go – nice and easy, no big haggle over bullshit, everyone is happy, everyone wins
Until you come to sign the papers and your obnoxious, hateful, and downright fucking rude mother tags along with you.
You and I sit in the dining room going over the paperwork, and your mother loudly declares “Well, I’m going to find out the truth about this place!” and storms up the stairs. Fine, bitch, whatever, the place is in good shape…knock your ass out.
Cue 10 minutes later when she waddles back in, and informs me “You are replacing all the windows, right?”. Umm…no, bitchknocker, I’m not. Your son…a fucking grown man, and I already discussed what was and was not being done. And besides that, while the windows are old, they’re also part of the beauty of the place. They’re huge, meaning new windows would have to be custom-made. Yes, you’re going to spend a little more on utilities (focus on “little”…our bills weren’t much higher here than they were in places we’ve had with brand-new windows), but they’re beautiful windows which have a natural wave to them and actually fit the style of the house. No, we’re not suddenly dropping 20 grand so we can fuck the place up to your liking.
“Come on son…we’re leaving! You’re not buying this house! They won’t even negotiate!”
“Errr…well, mom, we’re going over some paperwork right now, so how about…”
“NO! We’re leaving! This is not the house for you, and they won’t have the money to make any repairs that come up in the home inspection!”
(Quick tangent: Excuse me, you ignorant tub of goo…the purpose of a home inspection is to forewarn buyers about potential major problems in case they want to kill a deal over them, and to inform them of possible minor issues that they may want to take care of in the future. It is NOT a “fix-it” list of every little thing before you “allow” your precious little boy to buy a home)
“Ok mom, we’ll talk abo…”
“NO! WE’RE LEAVING! I’ll be in the car!”
Off she went (in my mind, leaving a trail of slime behind her), leaving the buyer to make a few lame statements about “having to discuss this with the family”, promising to call the following day, and reassuring me that he still loved the house and definitely wanted it.
Need I even say what happened when he called the next day?
You fucking puss. I love and respect my mother. I love her because, well, she’s my mother. But I respect her because she’s always been caring and respectful of me. How the fuck can you have a person in your life and not, at some point, notice that standing in a stranger’s house yelling insulting things about them might be considered a tad bit rude in some cultures?
And lady, let me tell you…as much as it sucks for everyone involved that you blew this deal, at least I can now sleep at night knowing that I’ll likely never run into a nastier, more vile excuse for a human being than I already have.
