How do I word this? Need some help.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My father-in-law and mother-in-law helped my husband and me buy a house about six years ago. They gave us money for a considerable down payment and requested that my FIL be on the title.

We’re refinancing our mortgage and as happened when we bought the house, we need Power of Attorney from my FIL to sign the documents. He’s in Korea working for the Army right now, but it was very simple. Head over to JAG, pick one up, have it notarized, zip it off via snail mail to us here in Minnesota. They even scanned it and made a .pdf file for him, which he promptly sent. The POA is in my husband’s name.

Turns out that our new title company wants my mother-in-law to sign, too. According to them, spouses have to be on titles too. She lives in Virginia. El Hubbo calls her up and asks her to have one written up that looks just like the other POA but in my name, so that each of us has to sign the myriad of mortgage documents twice and El Hubbo doesn’t develop carpal tunnel from all that writing.

She says, “I don’t feel comfortable giving Gazelle POA.”

What I want to say:

That hurts. I’ve been married to your son for 14 f*cking years. You don’t think of me as permanent yet? When I got married, I thought I would become part of my husband’s family, that they would think of me as a relative. I didn’t expect it to be exactly like it is with my own family, but I thought that you would at least treat me like they love and trust me. What the Hell? Are you just waiting for us to get a divorce? What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because of what happened a few Thanksgivings ago. I posted a little about it in a thread that Shirley Ujest started called Therapy tent: things you’d really like to say to others. They came to MY house for Thanksgiving and asked me to sign a promissory note saying that FIL stays on the title of the house until we pay back the down payment. I think it all comes from my brother-in-law got a divorce after just over a year of marriage.

In the same thread, PurpleCrackWhore wrote:

And my answers are yes, yes and yes. I can’t sit silently for this bullshit anymore. I’m around for the long haul. I will be married to this man for the rest of my life and I can’t deal with this anymore.

Now that I have that out of the way, I would like to write an e-mail to my MIL and FIL explaining how this makes me feel. I don’t want to make things worse. I cannot let this treatment just pass. They want me to participate in family functions, but they don’t treat me like family. I almost feel like I should stay in Minnesota instead of going to the rotating holiday celebrations in Virginia, Maryland and Texas. Now that I think about it, they’re all supposed to come here in 2004. I sure as sh*t don’t want them to come. How am I supposed to act?

Dear friends, please help me compose a message to them that is rational but mentions all of these points.

2

I’m upset, so I didn’t preview and I see a few typos and a couple of things that need clarification. Lemme keereckt them.

“…I thought that you would at least treat me like you love and trust me.”

Clarification of this part:

“I think it all comes from my brother-in-law got a divorce after just over a year of marriage.”

My theory is that this all stems from the fact my brother-in-law got a divorce after just over a year of marriage. His divorce was final during the time everyone was here… The only point of contention was that she wanted the truck that MIL and FIL had helped them buy.

Another clarification:

“…please help me compose a message to them that is rational but covers all of these points.”

I don’t want to merely mention them. I want to drive them home.

3

I remembered something else.

Until yesterday, I thought this mindset about me was just my father-in-law. Now I know it’s my mother-in-law too and that’s surprising to me. My FIL is cranky, vindictive, and obsessed with money; he’s shown that side before. MIL passed off the Thanksgiving thing as being all about him and his insecurities.

4

My grandfather always said you shouldn’t mix business and family.

Now, having said that, Sauron and I got part of the down payment on our house from his mother and father. It made ME very uncomfortable to do it but we couldn’t have gotten the house we are in now if we hadn’t.

We had only been married 2 years and my mother-in-law said she would feel better if I signed a note stating that if we were to divorce I would pay back half of the down payment.

I was hurt and pissed about the entire thing. I refused to sign any such thing. I remember telling Sauron how it made me feel…like she thought our marriage was doomed to failure.

You are in a very sticky situation. I definitely think you should talk to your FIL and MIL but I am at a loss as to what exactly you should say. (Boy, I’m helpful. :wink: )

Just go with your feelings. An email is a good thing so you can reread and edit your thoughts so it doesn’t come across poorly.

Hang in there.

{{{Gazelle}}}

5

I’m guessing that you don’t have children. For whatever reason, she sees a real possibility that you’ll run off with a significant asset of theirs. The lack of children implies a lack of continuity of family ownership.

I’m really not sure you should be dealing with this at all - let your husband deal with his mother.

What happens if you don’t refinance? If it costs you money, then you can plead poverty when it comes to visiting.

6

Thanks Aries28, you really do know how I feel. The fact that you had this happen too and felt the same helps me feel better… I’m glad to know that I’m not being irrational about this.

My stab:

Dear MIL and FIL:

I’ve been holding this in since Thanksgiving of 1998, when you were all here. I hope that this e-mail fosters open communcation among us. I don’t want to make matters worse; I am writing this out of love for our family.

When you were all here in Thanksgiving of 1998, Butch asked me to sign a promissory note on the down payment for our house. I was so hurt by that. I felt like neither of you think of me as a member of the family; like I am temporary. After calming down and talking with El Hubbo, my mother and father, I decided to sign the promissory note in order to keep the peace. My mother and father also advised me to remain silent about my feelings, thinking that it would not help anything.

Yesterday, El Hubbo told MIL that we need a Power of Attorney in her name in order to refinance our mortgage. He asked that it be in my name in order to distribute the work of signing the multitude of documents at closing. El Hubbo told me today that she felt uncomfortable about that and did not want to do it.

I know that I communicate and act differently than other people in your family. I have always been myself around you and have attempted to form a closer bond with both of you. Before Thanksgiving of 1998, I felt like we were getting to know each other better and were becoming friends. Now I feel as if you do not trust me; as if you both think that our marriage will fail. I wonder what you are both thinking when we are around each other. Are you nice to me just because I’m married to him? Do you care about me at all?

El Hubbo and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary this weekend. I love him and am here for the duration. I also
care about both of you and I think of you as family.

Am I missing something? Have I completely misjudged this whole situation? Finally, is there anything I can do to earn your trust?

(I’m considering Cc…ing the other kids in the family. My SIL is married too and as far as I know, her husband has not gone through this.)

7

Small re-write:

I know that I communicate and act differently than other people in your family. I want you to know that I have always been myself around you and that my attempts at forming a closer bond with both of you were genuine.

qts, nope, we don’t have kids. We probably won’t have kids. And I’m going to be married to this guy for the rest of my life. Period.

8

I’m not saying my approach is best, but personally I wouldn’t say anything about it. From your end, you have nothing to prove–you know that you aren’t going anywhere–and trying to change their minds probably won’t do much good. And it seems to me that a graceful “Well, then, let’s not if it makes you uncomfortable” is better than an argument that might, in their (entirely mistaken) eyes, look like you’re eager to get your hands on their son’s property.

Living well is the best revenge. The one thing that will prove them wrong is time. I know it’s hard to blow that kind of insult off, but if anything is going to make an impression (and it sounds as though that’s unlikely) it’ll be you sticking tight over the long haul, nothing else.

Good luck.

9

I would NOT cc the other sibs. Keep this between you, hubby and MIL and FIL. I also wouldn’t mention that you had discussed the matter with your mother and father. That might put MIL and FIL on the defensive thinking you are bad-mouthing them to your parents.

Of course, this is just my opinion. You know your family better than I.

Also, would a phone call with hubby on the line also be feasible? Now that you have a guide to what you want to say maybe doing it on the phone would convey how hurt this makes you feel?

Regardless of how you handle it, good luck.

10

I sent the draft to my parents and former life coach. They’ll have some good suggestions.

11

I’m sorry Bren, but I can’t sit silently about this anymore.

I can’t “fake it” through family functions anymore.

Either we resolve this or they admit they just don’t like me and I don’t participate in family stuff anymore. I can’t take it. It will drive me crazy if I don’t get this out in the open.

Good advice, Aries.

12

Aries, I’m taking all of your advice except the phone thing. I don’t think a phone call will be as effective as e-mail.

I’m not as precise, verbally, as I am in written form.

13

((((Gazelle))))

That just… sucks :frowning:

I feel lucky I have such great in-laws… Your letter sounds like a good idea - putting things out on the table is probably better, in the long run. Especially for your own sanity.

Hang in there.

14

(((((((GAZELLE))))))))

I hope you are able to resolve this, or at least get closure in one form or another. I don’t want to make light of the situation, but do the inlaws treat you like Deborah on Everybody Loves Raymond?

14 years of marriage (and the courting that happened before that)…congrats on a successful soulpartner search.

15

Thanks Ellybabe.

My parents are being very supportive (as they always are, I am so grateful) and have suggested that I run this past El Hubbo before sending.

I wasn’t going to because I’m afraid he’ll try to talk me out of it.

They also suggested using the phrase “I’m confused.”

My mother is just awesome. She specifically said that the tone of the message is that I am hurt and not angry.

16

rrrrrrrrrrrubesbaby!

I have to laugh or I’ll cry! YES, she treats me like Raymond’s mother treats Deborah!

Big hugs, dearest rubes.

17

My brother was divorced about two and half to three years ago, and our mom snapped. She has not been the same since, and has turned into a bitter old woman. She treats his new girlfriend like crap, and there is no reasoning with her. She has become quite irrational. It is very sad to be around the whole situation.

I understand why you want to get this out there, and I like the use of the phrase “I’m confused” at the end of the letter. I do hope all works out for the best, and hopefully, this will be a turning point in your relationship with the inlaws.

18

Wow, that really bites that your mother is so unhappy.

Thanks for your thoughtfulness, rubes. I’ll say it again: You have a heart of gold.

19

Simple minded suggestion. Rather a sollution from a simple mind person.

I am of the opinion that you can have a POA drawn up to cover any facet of the real estate transaction(s) specifing that that is all that it covers.

I had one drawn up to cover each and every possibility.
Took it to a business firm to transact business for the grantor.
Business said "You don’t have POA to do this transaction.
Yes I do. Read the POA
The read it and said “Yes you do!”

Probably will need a good lawyer to write it up.

20

Whoa, back up there, Gazelle.

Where is El Hubbo in all this? Why isn’t he standing up for you with his parents?

He needs to be the one to talk to his folks, not you.

Ivylad’s mother and I have had our moments, and he has been the one to tell her she’s acting like a bitch, not me. If you talk to her, then she’s going to have the ammunition to go running to El Hubbo and say, “I can’t believe that wife of yours! Do you know what she had the gall to say to me?” Then he’s put in the position of either pissing off you or pissing off her. If El Hubbo talks to his folks, then it will appear that you and he are a united front.