I struggled to make a decision on where to put this post. It’s sort of MPSIMS-y, but ultimately I want opinions on what other Dopers would do in a similar situation.
Here’s the gist of the problem:
Toward the end of 2007, my father-in-law (FIL) began having problems with his eyes, and ultimately, after being diagnosed with a malignant tumor in his sinus that started on the olfactory nerve and eventually grew into and destroyed his optic nerve where it joins from both eyes at the base, he lost his sight.
His treatment consisted of very strong radiation directly on his face as well as chemotherapy, which was hard for (at the time of diagnosis) an 82 year old man to bear. He was not able to finish his radiation treatments, but did complete his chemo, but not without various prolonged hospital stays because of treatment complications.
He’s 83 now, and other than the tumor (still there because surgery was not an option, although it’s “dead”), he’s relatively healthy, but he can’t see.
In 2005, my mother-in-law (MIL) was having some shortness of breath and, after some tests, was determined to have blockages in her arteries. She had quadruple bypass surgery (no heart attack) to “fix” the problem. Last Sunday, minutes before we arrived for a visit, my MIL fell in her bedroom, lacerated her face and broke her shoulder (she’s 77). The ER docs put her in a bodywrap type shoulder sling after diagnosing a humeral fracture. My wife is taking her to an ortho doc today for further instructions.
The alarming part of this situation is that my FIL couldn’t dial the phone because he can’t see. My MIL couldn’t see to dial the numbers because she lost and broke her glasses when she fell and was not able to get off the ground. They ended up dialing the operator who connected them with a neighbor who came up the street and called my wife’s cell. (Don’t ask why they didn’t call EMS from the start :rolleyes:; that’s part of the problem.) Luckily we had already planned a visit and were only a few minutes away when the fall occurred. We called EMS when we arrived and were able to survey the situation.
Anyway, since my FIL lost his sight, my wife has made the 2 hour trip every weekend to help with grocery shopping, bills, some house work, etc. It is difficult for either my wife or me to provide any assistance until the weekend because we both work and we have 4 children age 7 and younger. In January of this year she was able to reduce the trip to every other weekend.
However, since the fall, my MIL only has use of one arm/hand, and is not able to perform basic tasks of daily living, e.g., dressing (herself or my FIL), using the bathroom easily, showering, preparing food. She also had been helping my FIL with his medicines and glucose monitoring, which he has trouble doing himself because of the loss of sight. My MIL is overweight, clumsy and has little strength, so normal locomotion was already a problem (the reason she fell in the first place).
When my FIL first lost his sight, we asked them to think about moving closer to us or even moving into an assisted living care environment. My MIL would move right now, but my FIL refuses. He has “things to do” and can take care of himself.
I’ll let you ponder that.
So, for a year and a half we’ve strongly suggested they move closer to us, but he refuses. My wife is an only child, so there is no one else to help them (or us). Thankfully, his neighbors have been able to give some respite, but we can’t and don’t expect them to shoulder any long term responsibility. Neither my FIL nor my MIL have given my wife any power of attorney, which makes it difficult with bills and medical decisions.
Because of the fall, neither of them are getting proper care. My MIL has hardly eaten because she doesn’t want to poop. She hasn’t bathed all week. She hasn’t changed any of her clothing. She can’t brush her teeth (I don’t know why…she only needs one hand.) The time has come that they need assistance. Truly, they’ve needed assistance since he lost his sight.
But my FIL refuses even to discuss it.
<SCREAM>
My wife and I have come to the decision that we think it’s time we need to “force” them to move. There is a very fine line between respecting their wishes and making sure they get adequate care. Although this inability hopefully is temporary (4-6 weeks), they can’t live even those 6 weeks without assistance. Hopefully the ortho doc will allow home health care after today’s visit. If my MIL had to go in the hospital for any reason, my FIL couldn’t stay alone (although he’ll argue that he can).
As an aside, we think my FIL is suffering from mild depression due to his loss of sight. Although he’s been told several times by various specialists that he will never regain his sight, he continues to make comments such as, “When I can see I’m gonna [insert whatever].” He also mentions ending his life if he can’t see. We don’t think he would actually do it, but he’s mentioned it more and more, lately, so it’s a little unnerving.
We need some advice on how to begin talks with the court in order to get power of attorney and how to find resources for support. We have looked on the web and have found a few leads, but surely some of you have had a similar experience or know of a similar situation.
We are losing our minds.