Pointless Superpowers!!!

[vinniepaz]

So this is a running joke with my friends, feel free to add some, here's some of the favorites:

The ability to sense far away lighthouses.

The ability to jump over houses that are painted red.

The ability to change your fingernail color (partially inspired by Family Guy)

The ability to become invisible when no one is watching (inspired by Mystery Men)

The ability to levitate one inch off the ground, but not the ability to propel yourself when you're up there.

[moes lotion]

Fortelling the future - but limited to exactly one tenth of a second from now

X-ray vision, with a fixed focal length of ten kilometers, and no magnification

Super Ant Like Strength - can lift up to 30 times your own body weight, but only works with feathers

Super Hearing - can detect a pin dropping on the other side of the city, but it has to be Cleavland

[Catalyst]

The ability to turn oneself into sentient rock (but not back).

Knowledge of all movie showtimes in Düsseldorf, Germany. If a resident of Düsseldorf should end up with this superpower, he knows last month's showtimes instead.

The ability to read 1800 words per minute combined with the reading comprehension of a third-grader.

The ability to hear fax machines and modems from a mile away.

The ability to speak with any creature on Earth, but only in profanity.

Encyclopedic knowledge of Spice Girls trivia.

[Shakes]

The abilty to freeze water. (Power only works at the North pole.)

The ability to answer any trivia question. (A year after its asked)

The ability to say anything you say backwards.

[Anastasaeon]

The ability to use great mind powers to burn toast.

The ability to transform oneself into Peking Duck.

The ability to stretch like a rubberband... but only when confined into "fun size" spaces (usually about 1" x 1 1/2").

The ability to turn oneself into a sponge - but only when completely dry.

[Battle Pope]

Supertaste (if its that close you probably aready know about the crime)

An uncanny ability to imitate moss.

The ability to sunburn faster than any other person on the planet.

[emekthian]

Perfect mastery of Super Mario Brothers 2.

Ability to make your penis smaller.

The power to seduce anyone of the same sex (or opposite sex if you're gay)

High energy gamma ray vision

Ability to win at any casino game that fades away the moment you turn 21

The ability to turn into a cold virus

[Earthworm Jim]

The ability to melt butter.

The ability to summon sentient sharp objects that wish to puncture and slice you.

The ability to become invisible to butterflies.

The ability to sprout a prehensile tail, but your arms are 'absorbed' while the tail is out.

The ability to regurtitate at will.

The ability to become deaf and blind at will, without the ability to turn back.

[SilentButDeftly]

Letterman had a "Top 10" list of these, waaay back in the day. Probably going back about 15 years now. The one I remember was:

* The ability to breathe soup.

My own personal favorite pointless superpowers are:

* The ability to grow or shrink facial hair at will

* Indestructable eyeballs

* X-ray vision... but only through paint. No drywall, sorry!

* Impervious to mosquito bites

[Sunspace]

Originally Posted by SilentButDeftly

Impervious to mosquito bites

That would not be a pointless superpower where I live...

[Hal Briston]

The ability to instantly determine the exact chemical compound of any poisonous substance just by ingesting a fatal dose of it.

The ability to go entire minutes without blinking.

The ability to come up with the perfect witty comeback, 10 minutes after-the-fact.

[ArrMatey!]

Magnetic colon.

And some day, the power to shut it off!

[sishoch]

The ability to visit the Marianas Trench.

But only once for 20 minutes...

[BrotherCadfael]

Originally Posted by moes lotion

Fortelling the future - but limited to exactly one tenth of a second from now

This one isn't entirely useless... if nothing else, it lets you know when to duck... a significant survival factor.

[Regallag_The_Axe]

The ability to detect the exact location of any 11920's style death ray, after you have shot and killed by it.

The ability to pop balloons using the power of you're mind.

The abiluty to instantaniously teleport to any location in the Universe, but only between 5:00, and 6:00 AM on Fuck It Days (the third tuesday of every other even-numbered month {Febuary, June, and October}).

[MacTech]

back when i used to GM the old TSR game "Gamma World" (D&D after WWIII) i had a few "mutations" lined up simply for humourous effect....

"Useless Lycanthropy"; the ability to transform into a were-mouse, were-caterpillar, were-snail, were-crayfish, were-pufferfish, were-coral, etc....

for any of the "humanoid" characters with fur (tigeroids, etc...) i had a mutation defect lined up for when they misbehaved, for example.... "Fear of fur"
.........

the ability to camoflauge themselves any color (except plaid)

the ability to speak only in binary (or hex)

the ability to shapeshift into a ham sandwich

the ability to give yourself Lymphoma

the ability to emit lethal levels of gamma radiation from your toenails

the ability to breathe water (when on land) and the ability to breathe air (when underwater)

the ability to command the loyalty of bacteria (Acidophilous bacteria, Nitrosomonas and Nitrobacter bacteria)

the ability to translate the language of plants........into the language of hermit crabs

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Originally Posted by vinniepaz

The ability to levitate one inch off the ground, but not the ability to propel yourself when you're up there.

If you're on the Titanic, & the ship is sinking, staying 1 inch in the air is ducky.

Not useless.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Originally Posted by SHAKES

The ability to say anything you say backwards.

Zatanna.

'Nuff said.

[Bippy the Beardless]

Invisible nose.
Indistructable nostril hairs.
The ability to taste music.
The ability to tie your tongue in a knot.
Ability to sneeze fart and burp at the same time without exploding.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Originally Posted by Vagus

An uncanny ability to imitate moss.

It's been Done --say hello to Mossman, of the Masters Of The Universe.

[photopat]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

The ability to tie your tongue in a knot.

Oh, I dunno. I can see some possibilities in that(How you doin' Mrs. Brady?)

[Standup Karmic]

The ability to make your penis any length, between 1" and 2.5".

Able to eat 100 lbs of cardboard per day without any side effects.

Can morph into an address label, displaying any international address that conforms to the local postal agency's standards, but unable to remove self from a surface once the glue has set.

Can change self into any size Tupperware lid, up to 2" x 4", but only in blue.

Post-it notes are incapable of sticking to your forehead.

Thermos-looking device for left hand, though it keeps neither hot stuff hot, nor cold stuff cold, and leaks like a sieve.

Vary length of pubic hair at will, up to 3 feet.

Can make pens that have run out of ink write exactly two more alphanumeric characters.

Incredible ability to repair 8-track tape players in under three seconds, regardless of what the problem is. Same for Betamax VCRs.

Can punch self in chin 16 times per day without pain.

You are Embellishment Man. You have no idea what your superpowers are, but you know you've got a million of 'em.

[Hypno-Toad]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

Ability to sneeze fart and burp at the same time without exploding.

My dad has that ability.

Other useless powers:

The ability to straighten cheese.

Perfect memory of past winning lottery numbers.

The ability to perfectly roll socks.

The ability to teleport exactly 1.27 light years, no more, no less.

Super-indecision.

[Loopydude]

The ability to read the minds of jumbo shrimp.

The ability to produce mucous any shade of purple.

A penis that glows only when inserted in a vagina.

The ability to eat frozen foods at any speed and in any amount without getting the dreaded "ice cream headache".

The ability to have voluntary panic attacks.

The ability to believe any lie, no matter how obvious.

[Loopydude]

The ability to ejaculate lutefisk.

The ability to smell helium.

The ability to hear mildew.

The ability to taste the difference between "damn it" and "mother fucker", and thus discern them even while deaf and blind.

The ability to see if someone has hemorrhoids, because they appear to glow if so afflicted.

[Typically Sunday]

The ability to sing the first 4 notes of any song.

The ability to remember exactly how many times the word "other" is used in any piece of literature.

The ability to sit cross-legged for hours on end without getting leg cramps.

[Bippy the Beardless]

Originally Posted by Typically Sunday

The ability to sit cross-legged for hours on end without getting leg cramps.

Hey, I have that ability, I've got superpowers cool.


other abilities not worth having...

Imunity to soap.
Ability to lip read what anyone is saying as long as it isn't in a language you understand.
Ability to dodge meteorites. (I supose this could be helpful, but very unlikely to ever get a chance to need this power)
The skill to teach Dodos Karate and Jujutsu.

[Tapioca Dextrin]

The ability to stop time. No way to re-start it, though.

[Odinoneeye]

The ability to turn into any animal you wish. For one microsecond every other week.

The ability to turn a white dwarf star into solid gold by touching it.

The ability to annoy lobsters.

Complete knowledge of every word from every script of Friends

[Scribble]

Originally Posted by Regallag_The_Axe

The abiluty to instantaniously teleport to any location in the Universe, but only between 5:00, and 6:00 AM on Fuck It Days (the third tuesday of every other even-numbered month {Febuary, June, and October}).

Hey, I'd take that power. It wouldn't be useless to me. Maybe I could teleport to somewhere cool, take a backpacking trip or something for 5 months, and then teleport back. It would save me airfare on the trip of a lifetime.

[Loopydude]

The ability to overturn horshoe crabs using pure thought.

The ability to suck the color out of Maraschino cherries, and transfer this color to your earlobes.

The ability to psychically draw earthworms to your navel.

The ability to cry tears of Dijon mustard.

The ability to grow a 14-foot-tall mohawk.

Arms that can move so quickly, they routinely dislocate your shoulders.

The ability to flare your nostrils at supersonic speeds.

Retractable eyebrows.

The ability to make your armpits smell like petroleum.

Edible teeth.

[Rhubarb]

Power of super-spelling.

Super Gullibillity.

Super Impotence.

Ability to move at super slow speed.

Uncanny ability to locate a laundromat.

Ability to transmute gold into lead.

Ability to flare nostrils really wide.

[Ranchoth]

Being born a Shampir*—you inherit none of the powers of a vampire, and all of the weaknesses.

Demi-Alchemy—able to turn Lead into Bismuth.

The amazing mental ability to perfectly rationalize your behavior to justify any action or inaction you take.

The power to change your skin composition to that of any other animal's skin.

The ability to read video or audiotape by running it through your fingers.

The ability to breathe pure Fluorine.

The power to turn glass into sand.

A skeleton bonded with Zinc.

A detachable penis.

The ability to project fear...onto your identical twin. (He has the power to project nausea, but only onto you.)

*Someone with one Vampire grandparent on one side of the family, and one Vampire grandparent on the other side. Obviously.

[MacTech]

The ability to telepathically communicate with yeast

the ability to turn yourself inside out (but not back)

the ability to annoy toast

a magnetic field that stops digital clocks

the ability to program a computer by smell

the ability to eat pure sodium

can turn yourself into a whiff of hydrogen, ozone, and carbon monoxide

can cause computers to crash by looking at them funny (works best on windoze based boxes)

the ability to "scare" electronic devices into working by mumbling

the ability to fart helium

<MST3K Reference>
Man Man!, he has all the powers of a man, but....he's a man

[moes lotion]

Originally Posted by BrotherCadfael

This one isn't entirely useless... if nothing else, it lets you know when to duck... a significant survival factor.

My bad, I was looking for an interval that was long enough so that you'd be aware that you had such a power, but too short to be of any practical use. So may I suggest instead...

The abiltiy to comunicate telepathically with yeast infections

[Snarky_Kong]

Originally Posted by moes lotion

Fortelling the future - but limited to exactly one tenth of a second from now

Man that's cutting it close, but I'm sure I could find a way to gamble myself into a fortune with that power.

[Ponder Stibbons]

The ability to use commas correctly under any circumstances!

[Annie-Xmas]

The ability to increase your penis size, combined with total and incurable impotence.

Bart Simpson: My dad can hear pudding.

[Redwing]

The ability to shake exactly two aspirin from any aspirin bottle with two or more aspirin in it.

The ability to recall exactly, with perfect comprehension, any text read at any rate less than one word per hour.

The ability to make your breathing sound like an out of key kazoo.

The ability to juggle skunks without being clawed or bitten.

[GargoyleWB]

I actually have a useless superpower!

I am immune to brain freezes, just don't get them no matter how hard I suck on a milkshake straw.

I imagine someday it will come in handy when I have to rescue the world from the Infamous Dr Slurpee and the Legion of Blended Drinks.

[SilentButDeftly]

Some more I thought up:

Lightning-quick blinking

The uncanny ability to tell the *exact* moment a burger has been cooked medium well

Generating a magnetic field so that when you flip a coin, it lands heads up 60% of the time.

The ability to smell into the future

Can telekinetically control Kleenex, one sheet at a time

[Hal Briston]

Originally Posted by Odinoneeye

Complete knowledge of every word from every script of Friends

Hmmm...it seems my wife has a superpower, then.

[iamthewalrus(:3=]

Originally Posted by SilentButDeftly

Generating a magnetic field so that when you flip a coin, it lands heads up 60% of the time.

I'd make a fortune.

The ability to eat corn on the cob without getting any stuck between your teeth.

The ability to determine the cinematographer of a film merely by watching the trailer.

One Hundred times the average man's belly-button lint production.

Super-strong eyelashes

The ability to not be charged for towels and bathrobes missing from hotel rooms.

[Ike Witt]

Originally Posted by Catalyst

The ability to speak with any creature on Earth, but only in profanity.

Fuckin' eh!


The ability to summon all nearby fishsticks and frozen seafood to do your bidding.

The ability to translate any language into modern Sanskrit.

The ability to know all about any snail, just by touching it.

Projectile vomiting on demand.

[Draelin]

Originally Posted by Vagus

The ability to sunburn faster than any other person on the planet.

Behold my Super-White Superpowers! I can do that!

[Yumblie]

The ability to make any goat you come in contact with really dislike you.

The ability to control the weather...on Neptune.

Super speed...but only while sleep walking.

The ability to change the color of the socks of anyone besides yourself.

Telekinetic ability limited to just bending spoons.

The ability to poke yourself in the eyes with extreme precision.

The ability to see the cosmic microwave background.

[HPL]

Originally Posted by Catalyst

The ability to speak with any creature on Earth, but only in profanity.
.

Useless? You haven't met my cat, have you?

[HPL]

Originally Posted by MacTech

can cause computers to crash by looking at them funny (works best on windoze based boxes)

the ability to "scare" electronic devices into working by mumbling

the ability to fart helium

The first two aren't useless at all, and the 3rd can be used to amuse teenagers.....and blow up balloons for free.....