Relationship thing: Should I be annoyed at my girlfriend?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, I’m dating a girl. We’ve been dating about 2.5 months now, but have been friends for more than a decade.

A week or 2 ago, I asked her if she’d go with me to a wedding-reception-type-event (the wedding was in another state, so this was a second reception for locals who couldn’t make it to the real wedding/reception). She accepted my offer. Until a few hours before the event, at which point she told me that instead of going with me to the reception-thing, she was going to see the new baby a mutual friend of ours just had. She asked if that was okay with me, and I told her I wished she would come with me, but I understood if she wanted to see the new kid.

Well, I attended the reception myself. She told me she’d call after visiting the new baby, and maybe if she had time she’d stop to see me at the reception. Well, she called at about 11 after I’d been home for a while.

Turned out she skipped seeing the baby, instead hanging out at a bar with a few friends. Then she went to a maze made out of corn with some other friends.

Now, we haven’t been dating long, I realize, but I think its the duty of the significant other to hang out with them at reception-wedding-event type things that neither of you want to go to. Granted, I wasn’t excited about this reception and told her so. I understand why she didn’t want to go, but I’m pissed that she used the “baby” excuse.

Should I be annoyed or am I overreacting? I’m good at talking myself out of being mad, and have had to do it once or twice before in our short months of dating.

So, what do the Dopers say? Would you be annoyed if you were me? And if you were me, would you confront the issue or let it go?

2

Annoyed to the point of writing her off. I don’t care if she can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch…the point is you are there for the other one.

3

Yes, you should be extremely annoyed.

Even if you had been only dating for one week it’s rude to cancel a date at the last minute for a semi-lame excuse.

Unless the baby was out of town and the friend was extremely close she could have fit the baby visit and the reception into one evening. Unless the baby is very ill, in which case she probably wouldn’t have been able to visit it anyway, she could have seen the baby a different time.

I would maybe see if she comes up with some sort of explanation or apology on her own before I dumped her. Any apology or explanation that you have to ask for is most likely not meaningful.

4

I would be annoyed. What she did sounds rather selfish, and though it is a small thing this time, what will it be next time?

PS: Could she possibly have a drinking problem?

5

I would be annoyed. If she had said up front that she didn’t want to go to the reception, no biggie. But saying she’d go, then backing out at the last minute after making an excuse, and then not doing the thing the excuse was for? Very annoying.

The only saving grace is she didn’t lie and say she went and saw the baby when she didn’t.

6

This is what gets me, too. In her defense, she DID ask me if skipping it was okay, and I said yes. And honestly, if she had seen the baby, there would be no issue. It was skipping for a goodish excuse, then doing something else that really got me.

And she’s done even more minor things like this before, and I kind of just swallowed my pride and didn’t say anything and was still over the annoyance in a few hours. I’m worried if I don’t confront it, the things will get more and more annoying.

I’m a pretty easy-going guy, and she knows this. And I know that she’s had issues in former relationships because the guy was too controlling and didn’t want her to have her own life. That’s not my deal… she’s able to go out with whoever she wants and can openly tell me when I’m not invited in on her plans, and I don’t give a shit. I’ll find something else to do.

Because we were friends for 10 years before dating, maybe she’s having issues treating me like a boyfriend more than a friend. I don’t know.

And no, she doesn’t have alcohol problems (which I think I’ve seen you suggest out of nowhere on a few different threads). And even if she did, there was free alcohol at the reception-thinggy I was at.

I know it sounds like I’m defending her, but I don’t want to just give my side of the story and leave out hers. She has a very active social life and tries to fit in a lot of stuff with a lot of different people all the time. In addition, I told her how unexcited I was about this reception and how I didn’t want to go, but felt I had to for my friend. I also told her I wouldn’t know anyone and probably wouldn’t be there more than a hour… just hello and goodbye.

Also, dumping her/not seeing her isn’t an issue. Even though we haven’t dated long, I’ve known her forever and I love the shit outta her. As a friend, this wouldn’t bother me. We’re still just adjusting to the differences that come when I become a boyfriend, and skipping out on our plans when something better comes along just isn’t cool as a boyfriend, when it was perfectly acceptable as a friend.

7

I vote for annoyed, and don’t get your heart set on this girl. It sounds as if she wants what she wants right this second, and screw any plans that have been made in advance.

I might feel differently if she had actually done what she wussed out on you for, but she doesn’t seem to feel any need to honor commitments.

>>self deleted comments about FBS<<

8

Exactly what she said.

9

I would be annoyed she originally told you she would go, then backed out at the very last minute.

Dating is the time to get this stuff straightened out so you really should confront the issue. You don’t want this same thing to happen again, and it might if she thinks everything turned out just fine.

I would ask her how she would feel if when she had some event she told you she wished you attend with her, you told her yes you would go, then backed out at the last minute.

You should also see if she shares the same expectation that you do that both of you are expected to attend things you don’t really want to attend.

Tomorrow is my 12th wedding anniversery. For our 10th wedding annivesry I gave my husband the gift of no longer expecting him to attend weddings with me that he has no interest in. The same for work-type functions, and any other activities like taking the dog out for a long walk, or going to the racetrack. He never liked doing these things, so I didn’t ask him often, but when I did I expected him to go. Now I don’t even ask. If he should want to go, he can tell me, otherwise I make arrangements to go with friends, or go by myself. I have held on the right to expect him to attend certain funerals with me. In some cases I will need him there to help me through it. But for those other activities, I don’t really need him there, so why make him go?

I am not suggesting you have the same arrangement. Dating is a time to get to know someone in all kinds of situations, and I think you would miss out on that by not attending things like a friend’s or family wedding. But I would suggest you talk about what your expectations for each other are. And once you come to an agreement about that sort of stuff, you will learn how well she sticks to that agreement.

I wouldn’t be that upset over this situation because it is the first time it has come up. But it sounds to me like this is a good chance to talk about it and see how she reacts to your being disappointed with her decision not to go with you and go out with her friends instead.

10

… er, did she say why she decided not to see the baby?

11

She told her friends from work she’d meet them at a bar to watch a football game with them, then forgot she’d made those plans until they called. And she’d told me about those football game plans before, to be honest. We both forgot she’d made that promise, but still, to me… I should outrank work friends. Is that a cocky thing to say? As a boyfriend, it’s how I feel. Reasonable or not?

This is what I’m leaning towards. No, we haven’t talked about this stuff and set boundaries yet. We need to. I’m horrible at these talks. I’m not looking forward to it.

12

Yes, be annoyed. First, because the baby would still be a baby the next day, so the baby was an excuse to go out to a bar with friends.
Did she lie, because her plans changed. I believe she did. As in got a better offer and used the baby visit as an excuse. Otherwise, when the baby visit didn’t come to pass, she should have showed up at the reception, not at a bar or a corn maze.
If she lied about where she was going, did she lie about who she was going with?

My husband knows he can do just about anything he wants to ( luckily, for me, he loves me) except LIE TO ME. I will forgive anything but a lie.

Love is trust. If you love someone you don’t lie. Even if its not love, if you’re working in that direction, its the same thing. Trust has to come first.

13

I wouldn’t be annoyed.

You purposefully made it sound like not a big deal- hanging around with old friends for an hour. She probably had no idea that it was so important for her to be there with you…in fact, she might have figured you asked out of politeness and that she’d just get in the way of you spending some time with your friends. I wouldn’t have figured spending an hour out on your own would be that big of a burden. And most women see weddings as at least moderately fun, not some horrible burden that you need your lover to help you through. While it’s always nice to go out with your signifigant other, I think there is no reason to expect them to always go out with you when you want them too.

As far as the bar- well, you told her it was okay to not go to the wedding. After that, the rest is her business. If your not there, she should be free to spend the evening how she pleases short of cheating on you or running up bills on your credit card. You arn’t in the position to give her permission for things and you arn’t in the position to demand explainations for her every move. Plans change. Things come up. Most of us rarely end up doing exactly what we’d thought we’d do in a day. It’s only going to get you worked up and freak her out if you spend your time examining and questioning her every movement. She’s an adult, it’s her life. I don’t think she should have to answer to you for what she does in her spare time.

14

Does she think of you as a “significant other”, or does she still think you’re “friend”, and the two of you have been just been hanging out together more often recently?

She lied, went to a bar and then to a maze…BTW a maze can be fun, with the right person.
Tomorrow’s Sunday, usually a quiet day. I’d suggest taking some time to sit down and talk out where the two of you think you are in this relationship, and where each of you sees it going, if anywhere.
I’d have to hear some serious shit or else I’d bail out of this deal, but that’s just me.
Somebody wants to go somewhere and have some fun? Fine, but don’t lie to me about it!

Good luck.

15

How about a drug problem?

Is she photophobic?

Addicted to sex?

Could she be cheating on you?

…with a goat?

Since we appear to be asking irrelevant questions I thought I’d get my own in.

16

Actually, I don’t think it is acceptable for a friend. It’s rude to cancel plans when ‘something better’ comes along. This was a rude and selfish thing to do, for an SO or a friend. If you don’t think it’s that big a deal, that’s fine, but I’d bet that she will do this more in the future.

17

I agree, sort of. She’s done kind-of similar stuff like this before, and this is the attitude I used to get over it without mentioning it to her or anyone (and I wish I could give some examples, but I’m one of the only true “forgive and forget” types in that I honestly don’t remember what I was mad about… only that I was angry and got over it).

The thing is, when you’re in a relationship, you have to set priorities. And as the boyfriend, I get dibs. Maybe she feels differently, and that’s what we need to discuss. Even if she made plans with the work girls before I asked her to a reception, I should automatically “win”, and she should go with me. Why? Because she’s my significant other, and significant others are expected to attend things like weddings. Maybe that’s unreasonable. I feel the same about family birthdays, and funerals. For holidays, you should try your damndest to make it to BOTH family functions.

Now, before you think I’m being unreasonable and controlling, I don’t think my plans should ALWAYS win out. If she and I have plans to rent a movie and put together a puzzle, but she gets an offer later for a football game, then she can totally ask me to reschedule. No problem there. If I ask her to do something on a night she already has plans, no problem. She can turn me down. But some things need to take priority. I have ideas in my head about what those things are. She and I need to get on the same page about them.

Because of the reasons you stated, I agree that she may not have thought it was a big deal to skip it. But I wish she would have just told me that rather than make a lame excuse she didn’t even follow through with. Even better, I wish she would have said she’d go with me, but she’d have to take a second car and only stay a while because she had other plans. That would have been fine with me. She could have stayed 20 minutes then gone and done whatever the hell she wanted and I wouldn’t have had even the slightest concern.

So, I am annoyed this time, but it won’t last. She and I just need to have a talk about it is all.

18

Excuse me? Where the hell did that come from? I’d like a cite for that remark.

My response to your OP was based on what YOU said: that your girlfriend ditched you to go drink at a bar. I didn’t pull that out of thin air. And it was a question, not an assumption or an insult.

I’m sorry you’re upset about what’s happening to you, but that’s no reason to take it out on people innocently responding to your OP.

19

I made it pretty clear, I think. We played the “I think we like each other” game for 6 months before I asked her on a real date. We applied the title “dating”, and have steadily gotten more serious. We haven’t “upgraded” titles yet (except in my head), which maybe is another thing we need to get on the same page about.

I’m a really easy going guy, despite how this thread is making me out to be, and I’m very understanding. If I have plans with a guy to go bowling, with an hour or 2 advance notice, he can cancel on me if something comes up. It doesn’t necessarily matter what it is that comes up… a date, a family dinner, or even he just changed his mind and doesn’t feel like it anymore. I would very rarely be concerned or annoyed. My current girlfriend has seen me and my attitude towards her and my other friends before about this. She’s probably just assuming I still feel the same, but as a girlfriend, I feel like she owes me a little more than that. And not even a whole lot more… just a tad.

20

I said “I think”. I don’t have a cite and based on your reaction, it looks like I imagined your alcohol assumptions. My mistake… I must have had you confused with another Doper. Apologies. I do appreciate your remarks and incite.

Because I know her, I know how silly the “alcohol” question seems. I guess if you don’t know her, it may not be as clear from my original post. Very sorry.