Offers You Are Not Supposed to Take (relationship advice needed)

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I’m feeling more than a little unsettled about a situation I have with my current girlfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for about 9 months, almost immediately after HSHExGF and I broke up for good. She has certainly demonstrated her feelings more intensely than I have, having dropped the L-bomb twice, most recently this past Saturday.

Now, I am a generally (my friends say extraordinarily) accommodating person when it comes to my time and efforts, but I feel a great deal of discomfort regarding this situation. So what sayest thou, Dopers?
The Situation:

We’re doing a lot of things this summer that require me to travel a lot to see her (she’s in Boston, I’m in NYC). And she knows that I’m trying my ass off not to take any days off work, so I can get paid for them when I leave to go to law school in the fall (in Boston).

There’s a wedding in Montreal (where she’s from originally), one of her closest friends from primary school, on Sunday June 3rd. I originally told her I couldn’t go because I couldn’t miss the Monday of work. So she responded with (and, while some of it is cultural/unintentional, some of it was quite premeditated) a barrage of guilt coupled with proposals of how I could make the trip and still only miss half a day of work. I genuinely want to be there with her and for her, especially since she likes almost no one else at the wedding and I don’t want her to be alone. She wants to be there for her friend, but doesn’t want to have to deal with the BS of the rest of the guests, and I wouldn’t want her to have to go through all that.

So, in the end, I said I would go with her to the wedding, because I know it would mean a lot to her. The plan I ended up taking was to leave NYC on Friday, drive to Boston, sleep at her place, then drive from Boston to Montreal on Saturday, attend the wedding on Sunday, leave from the wedding to return to Boston, sleep at her place, and drive from Boston to work in NYC on Monday morning, missing half a day of work. That’s 540 miles each way. A good bit of driving. But again, she’s been on about how important it is, and what’s important to her is important to me. So we’re going to Montreal.

She’s quite grateful to me for this. It means a lot to her that I am giving up this half-day, that I am doing all this driving. So she calls me up and says, “I’m really happy you’re coming to the wedding with me, and I know you’re sacrificing a lot, so if you want to skip out on Sheila’s (her roommmate, whom I’ve met four times, tops) wedding and go to Canada (the biggest regatta of the year and biggest party) with your friends (my best pals), then you should go.”

Wow. Damn. Wow. Damn (Did I mention “wow” and “damn?”). That’s awful big of her. Huge. She thinks so much of what I’m doing that she’s going to let me go to this race (which I never miss) for the last time (thanks to law school and stricter employment). So I say, “That’s awful big of you and it means a lot to me that you’re making this compromise. It will be nice to go to Canada with my pals because I’ll never get to go again.” And I make with the niceness and dinners and such, because that’s a very generous thank-you she’s offered me.

Unfortunately, now I am catching guilt for my decision. She’s aggressively guilting me into going to Sheila’s wedding.
“We’re one of only FOUR couples out of her friends that will be there.”
“What? You’re going to Canada? Just to drink with your friends?”
“The wedding is on Saturday. Can’t you drive from the wedding (Boston) to Canada? You’ll still make it in time to go out Sunday night.”

Ummmm… what?

I reversed a hard-and-fast rule to do one thing with you. I’m going to lose a day’s pay for that, plus, I’m driving a thousand miles to do it. And in return for this, you made an offer of equal magnanimity. And now you’re trying to guilt me out of accepting it?

I feel like my nature is being taken for granted. I feel a little bit put upon, to tell the truth.

If attending your roommate’s wedding was so important, you shouldn’t have told me that I could attend a weekend-long party with my best friends instead as a thank-you for something I did. Or, as my inner bastard put it, “Ummmm, excuse me, IF YOU SAID I COULD GO, DON’T BE MAD WHEN I DECIDE TO GO.”

Somebody’s gonna resent somebody when this is all said and done, regardless of what happens.

So, are my feelings justified here?

And, since “what should I do?” is a lame question, let me ask this one:

What would you do if you were me?

2

Do what you want, not what people are guilting you into.
You’ll resent it later.

3

So, the wedding you are going to in Boston is NOT Sheila’s wedding, I take it? I was a little confused at first…

That’s a tough one. Personally, I hate the “I’ll tell you to do this, but when you do it I’ll be mad” thing. It seems like a test of the other person, and it’s not really fair.

I guess what you should do depends on how much you want to be with this girl. Will she break up with you if you skip the wedding? I don’t think so, and if she does she’s probably not the kind of person you’d want to be with anyway, especially because she told you it was ok to begin with.

I say you should go to Canada if that’s what you really want to do. After all, you’re taking time off you don’t really want to take off to go to the wedding in Boston, and you’re doing it for her, even though you don’t want to go. Also, it was HER idea for you to go in the first place. I think it’s a pretty fair compromise, considering how much you have to go out of your way to get to the wedding.

Is it possible for you to ask her why she told you to do this if she doesn’t really want you to?

4

Perhaps clarification is in order.

I’m going to a wedding in MONTREAL on June 3. 1100 miles round trip, missing a day of work.

In return, I was offered out of Sheila’s wedding in BOSTON in order to go to Canada with my pals.

Now, after having finalized plans to go to Montreal, on comes the guilt to also go to Boston, after I expressed my desire to take the out on it.

5

She offered. Ok, it was an offer you wern’t supposed to take up, but she still offered. So if I were you I’d go to Canada.

6

She sounds like a tool. I say skip both weddings and spend the time looking for someone who doesn’t expect you to be a mind-reading, self-sacrificing, friend-abandoning sucker to their whims.
Thanks for the reminder of why I like being single though.

7

So wait, let me get this straight. The upcoming weekend in Canada is a tradition that you and your buddies have been doing annually for several years. This year is likely the last time you will be able to join them since you’re starting school. Girlfriend thinks that instead of taking part in this time-honored tradition, you should escort her to someone’s wedding that you’ve only met four times.

Huh?

IMO, girlfriend oughta be kissing your shoes for even considering attending the wedding. In fact, you really oughta make it clear to her now that you have a life that doesn’t revolve around her 100% of the time.

8

maybe you left out a piece of information (like, say, the Girl From Boston doesn’t own any form of transportation), but what i’m not getting is:

why the bloody HELL are you driving down from NY to Boston, to go up to Montreal, then down again to Boston, and at last up again to home in NY?

if you’re making the sacrifice of time and money (taking off work) to attend a wedding just to make her happy, why can’t she meet you half-way, as it were – like getting her own ass up to NY, where you can both head to Montreal from there?

and yes, it does rather sound like you’re being used as a tool.

9

Actually, I’m with Belladonna - your GF sounds like a tool of the highest order.

Personally, I would tell her to pound salt, go to Canada with your friends and have a good, guilt-free time. If she doesn’t like it, fuck her.

10

Relationships are about compromise. She offered you this out as her compromise. She is now backing out of it. Don’t let her, or your relationship will go downhill fast.

Please do not take this post as me ripping into you, but as someone with (unfortunately) a LOT of experience.

  1. This is pretty much a rebound relationship that you feel is moving way too fast. Two weddings in one month is a bit much to ask, especially considering it’s a long distance relationship at that.

  2. One person does not get to have their way all the time. You need to set limits. If you don’t, she will walk all over you. She will end up with absolutely no respect for you, and you will end up resenting her for controlling you.

  3. You have absolutely got to talk to her about this. Hiding things now and letting them gloss over will just make the problem that much worse as time goes on. I know the argument you see coming is not pleasant and you don’t want to do it, but letting it go will only serve to let your gf think that things are ok and nothing is wrong. She’s not a mind reader. TELL HER. It’s still at the stage where you can work it out as long as you’re both willing to talk about it.

  4. While you’re at it, you better have a talk with her about the “L” word. If you’re not comfortable with it (and it sounds like you’re not), then you need to tell her your feelings are not on a par with hers and ask her to try to be a little more patient with you. It’s fairly obvious she has some plans for the two of you.

11

Resentment is a relationship killer. You need communication if you are going to last. So I say call her on it directly. If you can’t deal with this head on, your communication will only death spiral in time. The best way to open a conflict discussion is non-confrontationally. Do the following:

  1. State the unarguable facts gently. (You said you didn’t mind if I went out with my friends. Now you are saying things like x and y)
  2. State how those things made you feel. (I feel confused because you are contradicting yourself.)
  3. Allow her to express her side. Ask her why she is coming across this way. Do so without accusation tones. Don’t assume you know her motivations - state them as your perceptions.

If she won’t cooperate in this discussion, I say move on. Life always has bumps in the road and if you can’t deal with them together in a healthy manner, you’re doomed. For me, it’s usually a bad sign when you aren’t in a mutual place anyway. If you aren’t equally in love with each other, it rarely works out in the end. But that is just MHO. YMMV.

12

Your girlfriend can’t take advantage of you if you don’t act like a doormat. It’s wonderful if one person is sometimes self-sacrificing to make the other person in a relationship happy, but not if it becomes a habit and only if it is reciprocal. It sounds like it’s become an expectation that you’ll bend over backwards to do whatever it takes to make her happy. It’s your job to make sure your needs and happiness are taken into as much consideration as hers.

In my opinion, here’s how all conversation regarding Sheila’s wedding should have gone:

GF: “Hey, my friend Sheila is getting married on June X. Are you free to accompany me to her wedding? I’d really love it if we could go together.”

You: “Oh, man, I already have plans that weekend to go to Canada with [friends X, Y, and Z]. That’s too bad – I would have loved to have been your date.”

End of discussion.

The idea that she can grant you permission to have plans of your own is ludicrous. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to be disappointed that you’re not available, but to try to emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants without regard for what you want is shitty.

13

It really doesn’t sound like you’re all that into her, to be honest. It’s not like she said she loved you after a week or something-it’s been close to a year. If I were you I would not carry this relationship into lawschool (I’m a recent graduate myself). The first year is grueling and the drama and time constraints of it all strains any relationship (trust me on this). If she’s making time demands and there are fights over what you are willing to dedicate to her now it’s going to be a lot worse once orientation is over.

14

Um… Boston is north of New York city. It’s closer to Montreal.
Anyways HSHP, girlfriend sounds like she’s being a manipulative biznatch. Don’t reward this kind of behavior. Gals like this make us all look bad.

15

:rolleyes: Check a map. Boston is north of NY.

HSHP, you should go hang out with your friends. I say this as a woman who hates it when other women get all manipulative on their SOs. You shouldn’t be expected to make all the sacrifices in this relationship. Talk to your GF; tell her that she needs to talk straight if you’re going to understand what she wants. Also, you two need to talk about your relationship in the larger sense. Nine months is pretty long to be going out with someone and still be referring to the “L bomb,” IMHO. Of course, the situation will change dramatically once you’re in Boston. Once she has you close on hand, she may not feel the need to claim you as often, or she may want to spend every waking minute with you. I think you should find out what each other’s expecations are before you move.

16

:smack:

yanno, i spent 20+ years hunting and riding through the woods. i’m never so lost that i can’t find my way home again. and my basic geography is STILL non-existant.

ignorance duly fought.

17

I’d advise you to get plenty of rest between now and next weekend.

Because it sounds like there’s going to be one hell of a fight when the two of you are in the car together driving to her friend’s wedding.

18

Yep. A good reminder of why I like being married to someone who doesn’t expect me to be a mind-reading, self-scrificing, friend-abondoning sucker to his whims.

19

The plot thickens.

Friday the third of June is another roommate’s birthday, so the four girls of the house are going out to dinner/movie somesuch. There’s a little implication that I’m expected to be there.

Well, it’s unlikely that I will be. Work ends at 4:30, and, given NYC rush-hour traffic (especially in the spring/summer months), 10PM is a likely arrival time for me.

I’m certainly not leaving work early for the privilege of eating franchise dinner and sitting through “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” Alexis Bledel or no.

And if I catch guilt for that, oh, there’s going to be a loooooooong talk about priorities. Not that there won’t be anyway, but guilt over this will make it much less cordial.

This actually might be a good litmus test- my consideration: appreciated or expected?

20

She’ll “let” you go? What are you a fucking child? So basically you guys have now established that your girlfriend has right of first refusal on trips you take with your friends. That will soon escalate into she has right of first refusal on you leaving the house without her.

The problem is that EVERY woman, if left unchecked will eventually turn “you” and “her” into a “we”. They will resent any activity you do that does not involve her because she cares so much she doesn’t want to be without you and can’t imagine how you can be without her. Soon you will have nothing that is just “yours”. She’ll hate your favorite chair, the fact you go golfing every Sunday, she’ll either always want to come out with you and your friends or she’ll forbid you to go at all.

There’s a type of guy who once he has a girlfriend, his shit just falls apart. His friends never see him again. He basically spends all his time with her because God forbid she gets upset and he get’s put in the “doghouse”. What’s the worse she can do? Break up with you? Withhold sex?