So, should I go to my sister's wedding or not? (long and full of stupid family drama)

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I just received any invitation in the mail for my sister’s wedding, which she’s decided to hold in Halifax at the end of May.

For most people, that’s probably not cause for a crisis, but there’s a whole bunch of family drama involved. You see, my sister and I haven’t spoken since last June, when she decided to inform me (on my birthday, no less) that I wasn’t going to be invited to her wedding because she didn’t want any family present. To make a long story short… I told her that I was hurt by the decision, she accused me of trying to tell her how to run Her Special Day, I got upset, she threw a tantrum that involved an epic sulking fit, and after a couple of hours of the silent treatment, I gave her the option to either act like a civilized guest by acknowledging the other human beings in the room or get the hell out of my house. She chose option B.

Immediately after that little episode, she removed both The Boy and I from her Facebook friends list and has blocked me on Messenger. She’s made no attempt to reinstate contact, beyond a generic Christmas card and the wedding invitation. It may seem childish of me, but I feel that she needs to make some form of amends before we go further, since she’s the one who started this whole thing and then continued to escalate until we got to this point. Her cards, such as they are, feel more like due dilligence than a peace offering.

On top of that, The Boy and I were already in the early stages of planning a trip to Vancouver to visit his family, and then on to Hawaii to catch up with a friend who lives there. The wedding falls smack in the middle of the second week… which would mean putting the kibosh on the Hawaii portion of our trip (the Vancouver portion is to visit The Boy’s bubbie, who isn’t in the best of health and may not be around much longer, so nothing short of a zombie invasion would convince us to reschedule that part of the trip).

Oh, and since that’s not nearly complicated enough, there’s also the matter of my parents. My mother refuses to breathe the same air as my father. My sister is well aware of this, but has decided that we’re responsible to sort out our own drama… and so, she’s decided to invite both my father and his new wife to show up on Her Special Day. Which, of course, means my mother cannot and will not go… despite the fact that it’s my mother who’s done the lion’s share of parenting ever since the divorce.

The pros:

  1. It’s my (only) sister’s wedding, which (hopefully) only happens once in a lifetime.
  2. My boss has already approved me for the vacation time, which is the one biggest obstacle out of the way.
  3. I’ve been meaning to take The Boy out east eventually, since he’s never been, so we can easily take a few days on either end of the wedding to explore.
  4. The Boy hasn’t met most of my extended family, so this would be a nice opportunity to introduce him to a few of the people he hasn’t met before.
  5. It’s an opportunity to mend things with my sister,

The cons:

  1. It’ll cost us around $1000-$1500 for airfare, hotel and car rental, plus another few hundred bucks for a gift.
  2. I don’t have any vacation time that isn’t spoken for already, and even if there was, there isn’t enough money in the budget to cover another trip… so Hawaii will have to wait for another year.
  3. I don’t really approve of this wedding - I’ve never met her fiance, nor do I believe that they’re at a stage in their relationship (or their lives, for that matter) to take such a big step.
  4. My mother is heartbroken right now, and I’ll be damned if I do anything to cause her any more pain when it comes to this wedding.
  5. If she was borderline Bridezilla last June when the whole drama started, I don’t even want to imagine how bad she’ll be when her wedding day rolls around.

So, wise and knowledgeable Dopers… what would you do if you were in my shoes? I tossed and turned all night, and I’m no closer to an answer.

2

Mend things with your sister. You want to, and she’s extended the olive branch. You need to make that right.

I know your mom is distressed about the whole thing, but it’s your sister’s wish to have both her parents at her wedding, and your mom should be big about this and attend with a smile. I have an aunt and 2nd aunt who attend family gatherings (and the man in the picture is dead!) because that’s what you do for your kids. Tell her to put on her big girl panties and do this for her daughter.

3

She’s trying to – she invited you to the wedding. You should go. And the thing between your parents is their problem, not yours.

4

Yeah, it sounds to me that she’s trying to make amends by sending the invitation, although not particularly graciously. I’d be left puzzled too if there had been no discussion about the fight first to try to resolve things.

In terms of your mom, only you know how strong she is or isn’t and whether or not she’ll be devastated if you go, and how much that matters to you. In my family my sister is as tough as nails and just about as sensitive and my mother is old and frail and takes things very hard in a way that affects her health and sanity (not to mention mine). I’d choose mom, but only because the consequences could be severe and my sister would just be pissed off but get over it when she calmed down because she loves my mother too.

5

Your mom should go, i don’t understand what shes heartbroken about or why dad shouldn’t be invited. As far as your situation goes i don’t think i would go unless an apology was offered, but i guess it depends on how interested you are in having a continuing relationship with your sister.

6

The thing is, this is no longer about whether or not I’m invited to the wedding. That may have been the catalyst for the lastest blow-up, but by the time I kicked her out of the house, it had escalated well beyond that point.

There have been no apologies for ruining my birthday (it was my 30th, which was my goddamn Special Fucking Day thankyouverymuch), just like there weren’t apologies for a violent shout-fest she and my mother decided to have on Easter just a few months earlier, or the full day sulking fit on Christmas Day prior to that. To be honest, Christmas this year was 100x less stressful because I didn’t have to constantly worry about when the next hissy fit was coming.

So yeah, the invitation might be an olive branch, but it’s a pretty pathetic one as far as I’m concerned. So far, all she’s done is take one of her invitation packages and slapped my name on it… on the other hand, I will have to drop a significant amount of money and haul my ass to the east coast.

Is it unreasonable to expect just a bit more effort?

7

Honestly, if my sibling stopped talking to me for damn near a year and then all of the sudden I got an invite to their wedding I might consider going. If I had already had plans for that date I wouldn’t rearrange them though. I vote that you go to Hawaii and send your sister a gift and wish her well.

8

I know I’m in the minority but I wouldn’t go. I’m pretty cynical though - and this sounds like an invitation sent just to ensure a gift. I could be wrong, and probably am, but there’s no way I myself would participate in this. YMMV, etc. etc.

9

Well, that’s a whole other kettle of fish.

To put it bluntly, my father was a pretty shitty husband. He drove the family into debt with his addictions (alcohol, gambling and porn), he lied about being in treatment for said addictions, and he carried on an affair with one of his coworkers for a good part of the marriage. He’s the only dad I’ve got, so I still care for him, but he’s also an emotional void and has the moral fiber of a bowl of Jell-O.

Said coworker is the new wife he’s bringing to the wedding, BTW.

Even if my mother had to put on her big girl panties and attend, I’d expect that dad’s wife can put on her big girl panties and stay at home.

(boy, I knew we were a fucked up family, but putting it all in writing makes me realise just how badly fucked up we really are…)

10

Of course you should go. You’ll regret it ever after if you don’t.

11

I wouldn’t go, but I have a long history of strongly disliking your sister, and her amazing penchant for melodrama and screamfests. Especially since you’ve already got plans.

That’s me being cynical and nasty.

12

It sounds like you were the birthday-zilla on your very* special* day. Okay, she’s no prize either, but after what you’ve written about your family, I can see why she didn’t want everyone there. Whether you go or not is up to you, but it doesn’t seem helpful to “choose” to sulk with your mother instead of attend a family event because she can’t let go of a husband she was well rid of.

You have a valid reason not to attend. Don’t go if you don’t want to, but understand that you’re probably writing off your relationship with your sister. Whether or not that’s a good thing is something only you can decide.

StG

13

I come from a family of drama and limit my contact with them severely - and I would go. I don’t want to be forever known as the one who couldn’t be arsed to go, plus at least I would know that I tried. But you must make your own decision.

14

Will it make you happy to attend?

Will it make her happy if you attend?

If you don’t go, will you regret it on its own terms?

If you don’t go, will your sister have new ammunition to take shots at you forever, thereby making you regret not going?

What is The Boy’s preference?

15

Nope. This isn’t making amends; this is her putting on a show. She’s put the burden on you and she can play it off any way she wants. This may be her way of extending the olive branch, but that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to you.
You’re her sister. You deserve more than a token invitiation - you deserve a REAL one. There’s nothing wrong with holding out for an apology, a conversation, or even an acknowledgement of the situation.
I’m in a similar situation with my mother. She made a weakass attempt at reconciliation. It’s not enough for me. I don’t feel at all wrong or uncomfortable with holding out for more, which I feel as her daughter, I deserve.
You seem to be reasonable in your expectations - there’s no desire on your part to see her grovel and beg in the dirt, give up her firstborn and apologize in blood. You just want something sincere. Until you get it, I say plan your trip to Hawaii and perhaps your sister will see the light.

16

Just wanted to say that the issue between your mother and your father shouldn’t get confused by dragging the co-worker/now wife into it. The fault was your father’s. By getting bitter and/or angry with the new wife, your mother seems to be putting her anger toward your dad where it doesn’t really belong. HE is the one who broke his vows to her and had the addiction issues.

Granted, his second wife may not be a prize either but that’s a different issue altogether.

17

deleted

18

^^^ sorry, that was me

Well there’s nothing wrong with holding out for an apology but doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. If the OP is going to play that card then she may as well go book those tickets to Hawaii now, if she’s cool with missing her sister’s wedding then more power to her. Seriously. I gave up 2 weeks of a trip to Mexico to be at my brother’s wedding and in retrospect I wish I had skipped the wedding and gone to Mexico. If you’re just going to resent being there then there’s no point.

19

This is my vote too, unless you already knew the date and location of the wedding when you made your vacation plans, in which case you had already decided not to attend. That changes things.

20

Please let me preface this with: I don’t know you and I don’t know your family, BUT based solely on your OP, I submit the following:

  1. You owe your sister an apology. She said she didn’t want family at her wedding (and after reading the OP and later posts, I can completely understand why), where upon you (made a long story short) informed her you were hurt. She wasn’t just not inviting you, she wasn’t going to invite any of the family. Then you “got upset” but she was the one who threw a tantrum. :rolleyes:

  2. Despite the fact that she is your “only sister” you two really do not like each other much.

  3. Whether or not you “approve” is immaterial. Move on.

  4. It sounds like you (and possibly others) broke her down to invite family members. Since that is the case, Sister is absolutely right to invite both parents and to expect them to behave like adults. If they do not attend, that’s entirely their decision. Stay out of your parents’ relationship.

  5. The reasons you give for wanting to go have nothing to do with celebrating her marriage.

Given the above, I believe you and your mother and your sister and your father should all stay the heck away from one another. If you really want to mend things with your sister, call her NOW and apologize for your bad behavior. I know: “she a bitch; it’s her fault; yadda yadda yadda.” If you want to mend things: apologize.

Do NOT go to the wedding and try to “mend things” there - that would pretty much guarantee things will devolve into yet another screaming match and your attendance will ruin her “special day” (God, I hate that phrase.)

Just my two cents, since you asked.