My son iampunha is getting married in a year to fizzestothetop. I could not be more pleased!
However – and you knew there would be a however – he doesn’t want my mother to come to the ceremony. There are several reasons for this, and I have to say they’re pretty good ones. What’s more to the point, I support him in his decision. It’s his wedding (and hers), and they can do whatever they want with it.
But the thing is, she’s his only living grandparent. I really would like her to be invited, even if she doesn’t come (which would be preferable). And I feel very uncomfortable at her not being invited. I’m imagining how on earth I’m going to tell her, come next spring.
Okay, you can say “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof,” but I like planning ahead. And I would like y’all’s opinions.
How do I tell my mother that she isn’t invited to her oldest grandchild’s wedding, the first in that generation?iampunha
Guess what? You’re out of the loop. It is your son’s wedding. When she finds out she hasn’t been invited and asks you about it, you simply have to say, “I don’t know, Mom, you’ll have to ask him about this”.
I’ve had ‘family issues’ as well, and they’re not pretty. No matter what she has done, though, he should take the high road and invite her. Her absence will be more conspicuous than her presence. Now, if there is a chance that she would create a scene at the wedding, that’s different. But if she attends in good faith, she should be invited. Life is short, and a snub like that can do irreparable harm for the rest of her life.
Sorry, but unless she did something truly horrendous, he needs to find some other time to “punish” her that isn’t so ‘public’. Been there, done that, and wish I hadn’t done alot of things.
PD and Pun, I have absolutely no wish to pry beyond what you care to make public, but I’m at a loss on how to handle it based on what you say. Can the reasons behind why Pun made that request be spelled out? (Do I know them and have just forgotten?) Is Grandma the bossy kind of person who would try to take over and make everybody’s lives miserable?
She, in point of fact, is not out of the loop. This would be why she’s asking this question now rather than finding out next June;)
And I am not intending to punish her so much as I’m making sure she doesn’t try to make the entire thing hers, which she has tried to do in the past with other events. There are exactly two people it’s about in the end, and I’d rather not have to deal with her trying to make it about 3 people. “Now, if there is a chance that she would create a scene at the wedding, that’s different.” This is a big part of why I don’t want her there.
Her absence, I’m fairly sure, will go unnoticed (or they’ll understand and go about their enjoyment of everything) by many people, mostly because they either A) don’t know she is alive or B) know roughly why she isn’t coming. I’ve posted about her on more than one occasion on this board.
I’m not utterly excluding her from this. In point of fact there are many people I know and like who probably will not be invited for a variety of reasons … some similar to the ones in this case and some for entirely different ones. B and I will probably send out notices of marriage … that whole “we got married w00t.” thing:)
If she’s going to be truly disruptive vs just an annoying presence keep her out. If it’s more the annoying thing think carefully before you exclude a close blood relation like a grandparent from your wedding.
Whether you like it or not, in real world social terms weddings are about more than just the bride and grooms “joining”, and have very powerful social resonances. If this is some kind of way of punishing your grandmother you might want to re-think the issue. If she’s simply a disruptive loon that won’t behave keep her out.
phantomdiver, I’m privy to some of the reasons, and I don’t think she should be invited. Say to her what you will. In my case, I would say “Mom, you’re not invited because X and pun and fizzy aren’t comfortable with your presence because of it.”
My sister read my (divorced) parents the riot act before her wedding. They played nicely. My father didn’t come to my wedding because they had such a horrible time playing nicely at my sister’s wedding, 10 years ago.
If you don’t invite her, she’ll have a semi-valid gripe against you for a long time to come. If you do, then you are the big-hearted souls, and she is the one responsible for any mean acts she decides to engage in.
You probably know best. But astro is right – weddings are about more than just the bride and the groom. If you feel you can afford to be forgiving and generous, you should do so.
[biampunha**, I really think you should take on the unpleasantness for all this, and set your mom’s mind at ease: getting married means being a 100% no-exceptions or qualifiers adult, and that means you don’t pass the buck on things like this, even when your mom’s wlilling to let you.
Oh, but she so easily could be. Forgive me for butting in, I really don’t know you, but I wanted to drop a line. I take no issue with you not inviting your Grandmother; I’m sure you have good, solid reasons for it and I can understand where you are coming from. But, it is your wedding and your decision and your Mother has every right to step back and lay that responsibility on you–and in truth, you should be the one to tell her.
I have experience dealing with an unpleasantly domineering Grandmother and the times when I stood by my guns but was honest with her (to the point of being blunt a few times) are the times our relationship took a surprising turn in the healing direction, and resulted in me getting more respect from her in the long run.
Of course, every situation is different and I don’t know yours, I just thought you and your Mother might benefit from my experience. With me and my Grandmother, we eventually came to an easy peace, mostly the resulting of her just getting too old to be much of a fussbudget and me becoming a Mother myself. It was a hard road though, before that. At one point I even cut myself off from her entirely. Now I’m happy it worked out because my daughter spent 6 and a half years in mutual adoration with her before she died.
Best of luck and congratulations on your engagement.
i went through this one. some members of the family were not invited to a wedding they thought they would be. when asked, we would all say, “i’m not sure why, it was x and x’s decision.”
it worked. that stopped all arguments. x and x have been married for at least 5 or 6 years now and have never been asked why by the uninvited. the fun part was the strangley noise, the big eyes, and the almost twitch like shake of my aunt’s head, whenever the wedding was brought up and the uninvited might hear. she still does this at family gatherings; like they haven’t noticed that not only are x and x married, there are kids as well.
i’d go with: “it is p and f’s wedding, they have the final say on who is there. you will have to ask them.”
Marconi, the thing is that as many times as my mother has told her mother all the things I’ve talked about on this board, and others of us (in the family) have hinted at (to said grandmother), she just doesn’t seem to grasp that she has ever done anything harmful to anyone. She seems to have retained that childlike ability to feel no blame nor guilt, nor seemingly be able to. I don’t know whether it’s that she can’t grap it or she just doesn’t want to. In either case, those involved have been trying to reach her about this for some years and I have yet to see improvement at all. When, after several years of saying “It hurts me when you tell me you didn’t want me”, your mother (pd’s to be specific) still says “Well, you know, we really didn’t want you”, at a certain point you say “fuck it, this isn’t worth it.” I understand why my mother has not done that, but I know she understands and agrees with my decision. The hard part is that my grandmother and I don’t talk anymore … partly because we never really did much anyway, partly because “home” for me now is not with my immediate family, and partly because I really don’t care to. What I am considering is writing a letter to her explaining why she isn’t being invited. I will probably write it on the chance that my grandmother asks about a lack of wedding invite in the mail enough that my mother has to address the issue. I don’t like having alienate my grandmother like this, but I think it’s the less painful route. I just wish pd weren’t already tangled up in this.
No one involved has asked whether or not Granny sould be invited but many seem to be anwering that question. The question on the table is to tell Granny that she cannot attend.
The answer is simple, though easier said than done. She should probably be told right away rather than making her wait until everyone else gets in invitation and she doesn’t. I would tell her, “I think you should know that x and y will not be inviting you to their wedding. I don’t want to get into a discussion with you about it. It’s their decision and I stand by it.” She can call iampunha if she wants to do so.
Congratulations, by the way. I hope that you have many years of happiness.
All four[sub]yes, I know there were only 3[/sub]. She’s unapologetically offensive (see previous “we didn’t want you” comment), her self-censorship (should I say this incredibly offensive thing to someone who doesn’t deserve it? I don’t care what they think) is lackluster at best, and this is not due to age. She takes a rather overly strong approach to living the phrase “make it yours” and generally doesn’t understand a whole lot of stuff, some of which is about me and some of which has nothing to do with me. I won’t claim it’s all purposeful and her fault, but neither had she shown any effort to make amends, acknowledge her faults or anything of the sort. She’s like Teflon woman when my mother confronts her.
Well, for starters they’re male, not female, as we’d thought (kitty penises are SMALL! And hidden). They got a trip to the vet and didn’t particularly care for how their temperatures were taken;) They have worms, or at least had them (medicine and such). Black kitty is currently sleeping on the desk in front of me and I think grey kitty is sleeping with B atm.
Occasionally they’ll shake for about five or ten seconds, which is odd (I dunno how normal it is since I’ve never had a cat), but they don’t seem to be hurting at all.
My sister and brother-in-law didn’t invite his brother to the wedding. They treated the brother just like anyone else they knew, but weren’t inviting. They knew this would be coming so they had everything planned, even scripted for some of it. When Evil Brother didn’t receive his invitation he called his dad, who directed son #1 to call son #2, if he felt the need to be so ill-mannered. My brother-in-law calmly explained that brother #1’s presence would be disruptive and stressful to too many people and so he hadn’t been included. He offered to go out for drinks to celebrate the wedding on some other day. Then he had to hang up while his brother continued to spew all sorts of nastiness. I, personally, wouldn’t worry too much over what you’ll write her. She won’t be hearing it the way she needs to.
Everybody on that side of the family screened calls up until the wedding and, luckily, he lived too far away to show up and bully the time and location out of people. Never went out for drinks to celebrate, either, since that won’t get you as much attention as ruining a wedding, I guess.
Good luck, all of you. Try to keep a sense of humor about the mess as much as possible.
Phantomdiver, good on you for supporting your son’s wishes, even though it puts you in a difficult position.
I agree with the posters who think you should not bring it up at all, and if grandma does, just say something like “Pun and partner chose the guest list, you’ll have to ask them” or “I’m not the person you should be asking” or “why not ask them?”
Don’t put yourself in the middle, gracefully step back and allow Iampunha to deal with any repercussions.
Pun, good idea to write a letter. If you never send it, it will still have gotten you to think through your feelings about your grandma, so that if she calls or writes your response will have some mental preparation.
I think it’s you who has to answer the question of why grandma isn’t invited, not your mother, though I wouldn’t be surprised if she never asks. If she’s toxic enough to not invite to your wedding, she’s toxic enough to warrant Caller ID to avoid her calls too If she writes a letter, take your time responding, and tailor your response to what you want as an end result.
Good luck, and hopefully she’ll never ask you directly.
And I hope you have a lovely wedding day and an even better marriage
>And I am not intending to punish her so much as I’m making sure
>she doesn’t try to make the entire thing hers, which she has tried
>to do in the past with other events.
Hey, iampunha and phantomdiver, been there, done that.
I even arranged for mental health professionals to be on standby alert at a family funeral, anticipating the predictable outbursts from a histronic sister-in-law so that the rest of us could mourn in peace.
It took me years to understand that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. After decades of polite and civil tolerance of such a relative – dotted by periods of avoidance – I finally hardened to the situation and the individual. Luckily, geography was on my side. When I moved, I informed other family members that my new address and phone number were not to be shared; and simply cut this person from my life.
Smartest thing I ever did.
I applaud your decision. The only advice I can offer is to simply accept (and ignore) the inevitable fallout.