Yet Another Gay Marriage Thread/ A Family Affair (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I met the love of my life on a messageboard. It was one of those “friends first” things - and she will always be my best friend first and foremost.
We’re planting the seeds of our wedding plans at the moment, and we have a bit of a sticky situation. The gooey details are as follows:
My relationship with my mom’s family is amazing. I am 100% out to mom, stepdad, brother, and two of my aunts.

On my Dad’s side, things are trickier.
In 2002, my stepmother invited me to live in her home, then decided that she didn’t approve of me (because she probably figured out that I am gay). She threw away my belongings, reneged on her offer to move my furniture so that she could spend more time vacationing at the family cottage (leaving me sleeping on an air mattress/living out of a duffle bag and boxes for more than 6 months), made me unwelcome to eat with the family at supper time or use the showering facilities, disallowed me from using the computer (even when no one else was home), paced back and forth in the laundry room next to my room, mumbling epithets at me through the wall, and called me names every time she saw me.
As a reaction to her behaviour, I did the following things: I would leave the house every morning before she got up, and delay coming home until she was in bed. I kept clean by sponge-bathing in the laundry tub in the basement. I went without meals on days when I couldn’t afford to buy something to eat ( a few times I went without food for so long that when I did eat, it made me nauseous and I vomited it all up again). I bought time at the internet cafe in Chapters so that my e-mail account wouldn’t start bouncing messages and get shut down, even though Dad and stepmom had cable internet witha flat rate (so that amount of usage was not a factor in what they paid for the service). When my alarm clock batteries failed on a day that I had off from work, and I got stuck in the house while she was awake, I lay paralyzed in my bed for two hours, my heart pounding, trying to be so quiet that she wouldn’t even know I was there.
Then, after a few months of not being allowed to use the facilities, and being unwelcome at the table, I was asked to pay $100/week in rent. I laughed behind my hand and found someplace else to live, someplace that was actually WORTH that kind of money.
Needless to say, relations between that side of my family and I are strained. Nevertheless, I love them and I want both my biological parents and my stepparents to be there on my wedding day. I know that my stepmom is iffy on the gay thing, but I think at the time that I was living with her, most of her problem came from her fear that I would influence her son.

Here is the tricky part (if you’ve followed me this far) : My sweetie has an androgynous name. So if my stepmom and dad don’t feel 100% certain that they know I’m gay (I’ve never actually come out to them, and I don’t think anyone has outed me) and no one tells my Dad and stepmom that I am marrying a girlie, they may very well assume that my groom is, well, a groom in the more traditional sense.

So should I just send them the invite as if it were no big deal? Or should I break the news to them first so that when I float down the aisle towards the altar, they’re not sitting there thinking; “Where’s the beef?”

2

Girl, you gotta tell first, if only to avoid A Nasty Scene on a day that should be the best of your life. It’s not fair you you or your wife-to-be not to tell. IMHO. And make it clear that those who are not happy are not welcome.

3

I agree with emily, though I will give another possible scenario that might work. You could do the invites all up just like you said, but then tell them once they recieved em. Who knows, if they already know you’re gay, then they will bring up the question themselves. If not, you know what you have to work with when you tell em, and if they aren’t pleased with the situation, just let them know how happy you are with you’re soon to be spouse, and if they still refuse then you have to cut your losses at some point and move on to bigger and better things.

4

Are you SURE you want to have somebody who feels that way about you at your wedding, lola? I mean, family is family, but…
:stuck_out_tongue:

BlackLabel’s idea is sort of interesting - though in a family, once someone comes out, everybody finds out fast - and it sort of puts you in the position where you could guilt people into coming if you wanted (emilyforce seems to think that’s a bad idea, and I agree).
I think surprising people more than necessary is going to cause problems, and you might as well tell them the truth and know where the people who matter stand.

5

Well, since you’re supposed to put full names on the invitation (I think), and your fiancée probably has a girlie middle name, it may not even be an issue. If she has two androgynous names, well, you’re back to square one.

6

My girlfriends mother knew that she was a lesbian for a long time. But before she sent the invitation she sat her mother down and told her of her celebration and what that entailed. Her mother said she did not approve and would never go. My girlfriend then sent her the invitation later. Her mother never did show up for the ceremony but my girlfriend looks at it like it’s her loss.

My point is I would tell them upfront before sending an invitation.
After all if it were a guy you would do the same thing

7

Check with your bio-parents and the other bride’s bio parents and see how they feel about announcing your marriage on the invitation in the old-school style.

*Jerry Smith and Barbara Smith-Jones

and

Harold Stevens and Gloria Stevens

are pleased to announce the wedding of their daughters,

Bride 1 and Bride 2*

That would solve any question of name ambiguity.

8

Uh, Otto, it looks like she’s not out to her bio-dad. He’s one of the one’s she’s worried about.

9

Where was your dad while your step mom was treating you so shabbily?

I’d be straight-up with them (pardon the pun). You have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to gain by opening a dialogue. Good luck!

10

Kalhoun, my stepmom controls my father by hitting him where he lives. She terrorizes him with passive-aggressive behaviour like constant door-slamming, The Silent Treatment, and general frostiness, which really gets to him because he is very sensitive and jovial and can’t stand when people are angry with him. It’s his one weakness, and she uses it to her full advantage.
Also, his job keeps him out of the house for at least 12 hours a day on average, and he travcels a lot. I suspect that he didn’t realize what was going on, more than half of the time.
I also heard her scream derogatory things at him at the top of her lungs on two occasions when he stood up to her on my behalf. She sounded very scary. Her anger is so strong, it’s virtually supernatural. It’s like a presence.

I guess I know that the ethical thing to do would be to just come out (ha ha) and tell them, but I don’t feel comfortable having a convo with them about the weather, much less my sexual orientation. I just can’t trust my stepmother to not direct her rage at me like some kind of DragonBallZ-esque fireball, and I can’t trust my dad to be on my side, or to even offer me a little fatherly support.

Maybe I should just suck it up and accept the possibility that if they can’t be civil to me when I am confining my entire life to a corner of their basement, they won’t be civil to me on my wedding day. Perhaps the gracious thing to do would be not to invite them at all. Then they could avoid a scene/uncomfortable situation/dilemma, and I could avoid being the target of their disapproval. This means sacrificing my dream of having all of my parents at my wedding (which is important to me), but maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

11

Have lunch with your dad, tell him. To hell with your step mother. She’s clearly a terrible, hateful person who doesn’t deserve your trust, which is what coming out is, at some level. She doesn’t deserve to hear this personal thing about you from you. Let her hear it through the grapevine. Tell your dad, that’s all you are obligated to do.

And then I, personally, would only invite him.

12

What spectrum said.

Congrats, btw!

-Tcat

13

Spectrum took the words out of my mouth. She doesn’t want to be there, don’t invite her. I had zero of my family at my own do. My mother wouldn’t let my younger brother come even though he knows I am gay, loves mrsIteki to bits (he’s known her since he was 9) and was dying to come (loved the idea of getting a suit!). I would have wished for him, her and any of my other family members to come (or send a card, or ring and ask how it had gone, or something) but on the other hand I am glad they weren’t there spoiling it.

14

I agree with the opinions above, lola, and I’d just pop a line to Dad, or meet him for lunch(Ok, I’m straight so I don’t know the best way to come out, or if the phone, letters, emails, IMs and such are innappropriate.)

But I would say that a full formal outcoming isn’t really necessary since they probably already figure, just a conversation with your Dad telling him what’s up, and possibly setting some boundaries on the future. One day you and your spouse may be having grandkids (FTR, I think it’s cool that lesbians can both give birth. Sperm + emotional support seems so inadequate by comparison. Plus you can both be pregnant simultaneously. Ok, I’m just a freak.) at which point your stepmom is going to blow flaming kittens from her nose.

So, setting up some behavioral standards for dealing with these folks now, wouldn’t be a bad idea. After all, you don’t want her influencing your kids either.

Just my take. Congratulations, BTW is she anyone I know? It would be too cool if two of my favorite dopers got married.

15

I would pay good money to see that.

16

Be sweetly old-fashioned. Write them a letter (in black or blue-black ink on plain white or off-white paper) to tell them you have met the woman who will make your life complete. That will get the point across, and you will not have to listen to the first (probably exceptionally unpleasant) reaction.

The second problem is a bit stickier; you can NOT invite half of a married couple; it’s even pretty nasty to invite half of an unmarried couple. Straight or gay, you really shouldn’t. So inviting Bio-dad without the step-monster will make you look bad. Inviting the Stepmonster will make every-one else feel bad.

However, if you invite both of them, Biodad can come without the Stepmonster. A consumation devoutly to be wished.

Why not elope? Go to Vermount for the week-end, come back married, and then your mother can host a [post-wedding] reception for you. Your parents can send out formal annoucements of the marriage, and throw a nice big party.

And your mother could lay down the law to the step; behave or don’t come. (Pray she takes option 2.)

If you really want a ceremony in front of your friends and family, you could probably find a minister to bless your union at the beginning of the party.

I just think a missing parent would be less obvious at a party than at a full blown white organdy wedding.

Oh, I eloped to Vermount (for a dual-gender marriage); it was the best decision I ever made.

17

I think kung fu lola lives in Canada, where she can get married legally.

What a terrible situation. I wouldn’t count on your dad’s support if he was standing by while your stepmom was starving and abusing you. Good luck in finding the best situation for you and congratulations to you and…I think your sweetie is Upside Down Amber?

18

So a liberal social policy is actually making her personal life more difficult. That is irony.

19

Well I guess its time for the wife-to-be to add a little feedback. As much as I would like to see my darling Lola cut her evil family out of her life I have to respect her need to reconnect with her father. I think the way they treated her was both cruel and inhumain and wouldnt mind teaching her step-mom a lesson or two…
When it comes to advice about coming out to family I am probably the worst person to ask as I have yet to spill the beans to my folks but that is another story. I love my beautiful Lola and will support her no matter her choice in this matter. I am just thrilled that she would accept my proposal and that she is willing to spend the rest of her life with me, even if I am a slob and cant cook.
I know I speak for Lola when I say that our special day is certainly a day we want to share with all our doper family. You are all such a nice and supportive group of people. Thank you.

Amber

20

Ah, nice to meet you Amber. Unfortunately I can’t say it’s two of my favorite Dopers, as I hadn’t met you previously, so I’ll have to make it simply two of my favorite married Dopers. Oh, well, two of my favorite engaged Dopers for the moment.

Even better, one of my favorite Dopers and her favorite Doper. Ah, well, anyone who likes Lola’s gotta be pretty cool. I’ll be keeping my eye out for you :slight_smile:

And congratulations to you, as well.