Yet Another Gay Marriage Thread/ A Family Affair (long)

In My Humble Opinion
21

I don’t see how it’s making life more difficult.

Anyway, I think j66 is correct that you can’t invite part of a couple. Be honest and hope for the best, since I think the longer you give them to think about it, the more likely you are to get a reasonable response. (Although I’m not sure you’re going to get one at all- but if you want one, you might as well maximize your chances.) On some level, you’ve probably known that this day would come for a long time, lola, and I think it’d be good for you to have it all out in the open and out of the way so you can start clean with Amber.

I see that I was a moron and didn’t mention it in my first post, but extreme congratulations to you both.

22

Oh, they have no excuse to elope; if they live in Massachusetts they would have to run away to Vermont for a legal partnership.

23

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I’m probably going to write Dad a letter around the same time that Amber and I reserve our location (leaving him a few months to think about it).

I’m aware that it is a big etiquette no-no to not invite half of a married couple (why couldn’t Miss Manners have added; “Unless the other half is a flaming a-hole, and should be kept in a basement, never to socialize with people who care to be nice”?). So Stepmonsters name will be engraved on that ecru paper along with Dad’s. She wouldn’t come if she didn’t feel like she could be polite, though. She saves her vitriol for Private Time, since one of her hobbies is being The Perfect Family[sup]TM[/sup] in public. I suppose her attendance would hinge on whether she thinks The Perfect Family[sup]TM[/sup] is the kind who keeps a united front, in which case she’d show up, or is the kind who doesn’t have a lesbian daughter, in which case she’d not show up and pretend I don’t exist.

As for eloping, that’s never really been attractive to me at all. Since I’m a Wiccan (at least that’s not an issue for my family, Thank Gawd, I suppose it could be worse), ritual holds great significance for me. The kind of ritual I want my wedding to be, is one that includes the biological family I was born to, and the family of friends that I chose.

I’m glad Amber found this thread. We have to spend a few days apart while her family is visiting, and it was so nice to see her post nestled in here! I love you baby, mwah mwah mwah

And yes, I live in Canadialand. It’s awesome up here (plus, Dopereal is coming up, so that’s something to look forward to!).

24

Congratulations on your engagement!!! If it weren’t for the rest of the story, I’d be bouncing in my chair, with happiness for you. :smiley:

But, as for the Stepmonster, etc., here’s my take, FWIW.

A) The Stepmonster already knows you’re gay, according to the OP. So, your Dad (the poor man!) probably also already knows, unless he’s in severe denial.

B) It’s time to come out to your Dad, just to be sure he knows. He sounds like he’ll be okay with it, once he gets over the initial “shock”.

C) Yes, unfortunately, you have to invite the Stepmonster. But, you don’t have to tolerate her making a scene at your wedding, should she decide to do so. Ushers can usher people out, as well as ushering them in. (Even Miss Manners would approve of removing people who are behaving inappropriately.)

D) I hereby volunteer to be an usher. (I’ll sling the bitch over my shoulder and carry her out, if I have to. Politely, of course. :D) (Miss Manners would, most likely, not approve of that method, but whatever it takes, I say.)

E) I’ll be hurt, if I’m not invited, even if I can’t be an usher. (Miss Manners would, almost certainly, not approve of my saying that. Screw her. I want to be there!)

F) Even if I’m not invited, I’d still like to send you a wedding gift, if you’ll tell me where you’re registering, or just where to send it, if a bridal registry is too traditional for you. (Back in Miss Manners’ good graces. :))

25

Davebear, it would be so much fun to have you at our wedding. Amber and I are allowed 25 friends each, so I’ll take you as one of my 25.

No registry yet, since our wedding plans are only seeds and not saplings as of yet. We’ll keep you posted.

26

Oh…ummm…crud! I’m sorry. I forgot about guest list limitations. Now, while one side of me is going “YIPPEEE!! I get to go!”, the other side is saying “You selfish, insensitive shit! Now, she’ll have to cut someone else whom she’d rather have present.” Maybe you could put me in the number 25 slot, for now, and if you run out of slots, bump me first?

I really would like to be there to celebrate this wonderful union, with you. But, I won’t be hurt if you have to bump me, because you have invited me, even if there isn’t room for me. Really. I’m so sorry to have put you on the spot, that way. It was very sweet of you to respond the way you did, but you are, officially, off the hook. And, thank you! :slight_smile:

[sub]Aargh! I’m such an ass! :([/sub]

27

Lots of good advice here.

My two cents…

I’d sit down and write a letter to my dad. I’d send it to his office. I’d say "Dad, I love and adore you. I want you to know that I have found my life partner. Someone who makes my life complete, and who I love totally and completely. You and I have never talked about this, so I am not sure if you know…but I am gay. My darling is a woman. I hope that even if you don’t understand, you love me enough to be happy that I am happy. I want you to be part of my life always.

Now dad, I don’t know if you know that [stepmom] apparently has “issues” with me. While I was living with you, there were things that went on that I don’t think you knew about. I don’t want to go into detail, as I have moved on and it isn’t anything I blame you for. I want you to come to my wedding. I want you to be part of my celebration. BUT…I am going to make this a beautiful day for my wife and myself, and you might need to discuss with [stepmom] whether or not she feels comfortable MAKING it a wonderful occasion. I am going to send you both an invitation, and I am perfectly happy to have [stepmom] there, so long as she is willing to celebrate with us…if she isn’t comfortable with that, and prefers NOT to come, then I still want YOU to be there…I want you to be there VERY MUCH.

I LOVE YOU!

Lola"

I’m sure you can come up with better wording, but I think you get what I mean. Let Dad take it from there. He is going to have to grow a backbone SOMETIME if he doesn’t want to be miserable for the rest of his life…and his love for you might be just the thing to make him DO it.

Two more things…I appreciate you VERY much. You have taken abuse from this woman FAR beyond where most people could have taken it and still been willing to have anything to do with her ever again. I am in awe of your ability to forgive.

Secondly, congratulations from the bottom of my heart to the two of you. I’m sending prayers for a life full of happiness and joy without measure. It doesn’t sound like you NEED them…it sounds like you have a very good handle on how to make it happen for yourself. Still, I am sending them your way.

May God richly bless you both, and your union.

My Love,

Cheri

Oh, and I don’t want to be a witch, here, but PLEASE send it to his office. I doubt he will ever see it otherwise.

28

Oh! Lola and Amber! If you can tiptoe to the US for a quick ride, or go online to their website, you should register for stuff at Wal-Mart. They have virtually everything you can imagine, and their registry can be pulled up electronically from the website, or in the store, so everyone can buy something from it, and it prevents repeats.

My wife and I did this, and the response was amazing, since so many people could access it. Also, people can buy something online or in the store, and you can pick it up at your nearest Wal-Mart.

Not that you should tap into the wonderful resource of 60,000 people on this message board, but I’d definitely get you something from the registry, and I’m sure lots of other people would too.

Remember, this is going to be your special day, and after it’s over you’ll have the opportunity to open presents the likes of which you’ve never seen at a birthday or Christmas, so let your inner child’s greed swell!! :smiley:

29

Davebear, don’t worry about space. We are planning a wedding for 75, with 25 friends each, and splitting family 12/13. We have absolutely ZERO interest in including “duty guests”, you know, the kind you invite because they are your cousin or whatever and you can’t have a conversation with them that doesn’t make you wish your head would just spontaneously fall off, just so you would have to make any more goddamn small talk.
More concisely, we have PLENTY of extra space, in fact, matt_mcl and Potter are also invited. Really, the more our wedding looks like a block party, the better!
Also, Amber will very likely not even be using up her 12 family seats (most of them are world-class homophobes), so there will be about 8 extra ones right there!

Scotticher, that was an excellent missive, right there. I will be saving it to disk and using it as a template for my actual letter, if that is ok. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts/good vibes. I really appreciated what you said about forgiveness; I try to cultivate compassion in myself, and I know I’m not perfect. But I think that forgiveness is a very virtuous trait.

Copaesthetic, thanks for the suggestion! We will definitely keep Wal-Mart in mind. My mom will have a conniption (being anti-globalization and all that), but she’ll get over it. And we’ll have more toasters than we’ll ever need!

30

Have to agree about the letter. A wedding invitation is a Very Bad Place To Come Out.

and best wishes! (You didn’t tell me about this one…!)

Were you at the parade today?

31

Yes we were there. We saw you, and jumped up and down and screeched at you, hoping for a wave, but you just sallied on by… probably deafened by all the other people who were hooting, right?
We were standing at the intersection just up the block from the Wendy’s where Amber works (on Peel).

So, are you coming to our wedding or not? We’re going to have a designated “Doper table” at the reception, so we promise you and Potter won’t get stuck sitting beside some loser. :wink:

32

Well, you can’t promise that. I’m going to be there, remember? :slight_smile: YIPPEE!!