So, a cousin of mine is getting married soon. Like in a week or two I think. However, our branch of the family tree never got an invitation. I find this particularly odd because my grandpa is one of seven children and six of them are still around and every time that there’s a family gathering it’s always a big deal to get all of the brothers together and take pictures and just be social. My grandpa is the second oldest and he’s 82 so it’s kind of been a big deal to try to keep getting them all together whenever possible.
The cousin getting married is the grandson of my grandpa’s older brother. Incidentally, this brother and his wife are the ones that my grandpa is closest to and remains in closest contact with. Both of my grandparents are still pretty much with it but are in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease and so they’ve been avoiding unfamiliar social situations so I don’t know if they’d even go to the wedding if they were invited. However, I also don’t want to have not sent back an RSVP if we were expected to have done so.
My question is, then, do I contact my cousin (the daughter of my great-uncle) and see if we were inadvertently skipped or should I just let it go since we might not be able to attend anyways?
ETA: When I say ‘we’ never received one, that’s because we all live in the same house and generally speaking we just get one group invitation for everybody in the house.
I don’t think there’s a good way to approach them about it. People don’t invite folks to their wedding for lots of reasons–maybe they were just trying to keep the numbers down.
Yeah, unless you’re close enough that there’s no question the lack of a written invitation was an oversight, there’s no good way to ask them about it.
Although I suppose you could ask another close relative about it (which may be what you were trying to do - I’m a bit confused by the different “cousins” in your post).
It was the mother of the groom that I was thinking about asking.
I suspect you’re both right. I’m certainly not offended as I wasn’t really planning on attending anyways unless I needed to take my grandparents. I just didn’t want us to seem like we were rude because we hadn’t sent in an RSVP. However, now that I think about it, this cousin knows very clearly what is going on with my grandparents and might possibly think that they just misplaced it or something.
It’s just kind of odd. ETA: Partially because we’ve been getting detailed descriptions all along of how everything is being done from both the mother of the groom and the grandmother of the groom.
On the one hand, I can see why you might wonder if an invitation got lost in the mail.
On the other hand, I’m not sure there’s a good way to say “I think our invitation got lost in the mail”–since that’s what presumptuous twits who were not invited for good reason say.
Well, they already think I’m a twit anyways because I’ve left the fold as far as religion is concerned. But, yeah, I think I’ll leave it alone so as not to be formally banned from the family.
Do you see any one close to them on a regular basis (like the mother of the groom)? I’m wondering if you could get into a conversation about something and hope they bring up the wedding. “Okay, bye, see you next week at the wedding” type of thing, that you could use to say “Actually, we didn’t get an invitation, in fact, we don’t even know where it is” Of course if the person you’re talking to didn’t have anything to do with the invites, that puts them in an awkward position. Of course if this is someone that would have been involved in the invitation process, they likely won’t mention the wedding if you purposely weren’t invited.
I’d broach it with the mother, if you feel comfortable enough with her to ask. Honestly I’m not sure of the etiquette here, because Koreans don’t really do RSVPs and relatives just show up anyway even if they haven’t been formally invited. :rolleyes:
On the off-chance your invite got lost in the mail, the bride and groom should follow up with you to see why you haven’t returned your RSVP card. The 99% odds-on favorite, however, is that you simply aren’t invited. Don’t be offended (especially since you weren’t gonna go anyway!) Sounds like you have a big family, they probably couldn’t invite everyone.
Come on - a quick phone call:
“Hello and congrats on the wedding! Listen, I know you probably want to keep it a small event, but we would still like to send you a card. How are the plans going? Doing the honeymoon thing?” etc. etc.
If they are family, this will give them a chance to say “yes, we are just inviting immediate family and thanks for the call…”
Plus, should someone have screwed up (you never know who was in charge of sending invites) they can quickly apologize and extend a last minute invite.
I really don’t see the big deal. It is not like you had some big blow out argument, so you are basically just calling to wish them the best and let them know how you and your parents are doing.
I didn’t invite any of my great-uncle’s and great-aunt’s children. Just with first cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, immediate family and a small contingent of friends, we had almost 125 people, which was just a shade over what we wanted (we only wanted about 100, but we could handle 125). If we had to invite all of them, it would have been close to 300 instead. Yes, I know some of them, and if I run into them at the grocery store, I’ll say hi, but I’m not close enough to invite them to my wedding.
But if you’re close than that, perhaps it was an oversight. But be aware that perhaps they can’t afford to invite you. It’s not cheap to invite people to the wedding. Inviting a family of 5 to our wedding would have added an extra $100 to our cost. And if we did that for every family… that’s thousands we couldn’t afford. Be prepared that they may not have been able to invite you and don’t pressure them to add you. There’s enough on their plate without you guilting them into inviting you and your family. Be tactful and careful about how you handle it.
Frankly, I’d be tempted to use this kind of conversation as an opening to outright ask if you should be expecting an invitation, because describing the plans for an upcoming social event to someone you’re not inviting is pretty damned rude. You know these people and we don’t: are these women the type who would discuss the wedding with you because they ARE that unthinkingly rude, or because they assume you’ve gotten an invitation?
Did you get a Save the Date card? Or a verbal/email “Heads up, the date is October 2!!!”? Or an email along the lines of “We can’t wait to get all of us cousins together at the wedding!” or any other indication that you would be on the guest list? If no, then I would assume you’re not invited at leave it alone. As mentioned, if your invitation was lost in the mail then they would call you and ask for an RSVP. Just because everyone else invites all the second cousins, doesn’t mean they are going to do the same, most people I know don’t go that far in the family tree when it comes to the invite list.
And lets say they did send an invite, and it did get lost, and they didn’t bother to call and ask if you were coming. Well, they were probably not too upset about you not making it, KWIM?
Apologies, I missed the part about the moms and grandma, that is a good reason to think you’d get an invite. I agree with this, you know these women. But the other factor is that they may have assumed all the extended family is invited, but later discovered the couple had other plans when it came time to squeeze everyone into the reception hall.
You didn’t get invited. There would have been a stealth phone call asking about the RSVP, if it was never received. No stealth follow up on the RSVP = No invitation. Let it go.
There are usually people in every family who are the ones who keep in contact with everybody. A discreet call to one of them – emphasizing that you’re not offended if you all weren’t invited – would probably sort things out without embarrasement (or hassling the wedding planners).
That’s how works out in my family; my mom and my aunt get the word out.
Failing that, call someone closer to the couple, and go the same route: “Just wanted to make sure grampa didn’t misplace something we’d have to make plans for him for”.
The wedding is October 1. Honest, as I said above, I’ve let it go. These women would never have been intentionally rude to have been talking about it in front of us but I do still think it’s odd. And, as I said above, I’ve never been offended at all because I wasn’t really planning to attend even if I had been invited. I just didn’t want to be the one broaching etiquette by not having replied. That’s all. It’s gone… with the wind.
But, yeah, I think I’ll leave it alone so as not to be formally banned from the family. 
