Here’s the situation. My cousin is getting married next month. He has invited all his cousins to the wedding. He has invited both my brother and sister to the wedding. I have not received a wedding invitation.
As far as I know, there’s no rift between me and my cousin. I’m thinking that it is likely the invitation got lost in the mail – we’ve moved recently, and he may not have our most current address (although we are getting our mail forwarded…)
On the other hand, my cousin and I aren’t all that close. The age difference between my cousin and I is the largest of any of his other cousins. It is quite possible that he may be trying to keep the wedding small, and I didn’t make the cut.
And, if this is the case, I’m fine with that. As I said, we’re not all that close.
I’m trying to figure out if I should give him a call and ask him if he meant to invite me or not. I’m worried that if he did NOT intend to invite me, I’d be putting him on the spot, and practically forcing him to invite me and generally making him feel uncomfortable.
However, if I don’t call him, and my invitation was lost in the mail, and I don’t go, I could see him being a little hurt – “you must have known it was a mistake, why didn’t you at least call?” – that sort of thing.
If you are worried about making him feel awkward, are you close enough with your siblings to see if they know (or could find) any information about the missing invite?
Best done with a third party. You don’t want him to feel awkward but you don’t want to not come and have them think you ignored the invitation if indeed there was meant to be one issued to you. I think the best bet is to have a sibling call his mother.
Yes- use an intermediary. Either someone else who can ask the cuz, or you ask someone else, who you can trust to be discreet (won’t say “Meltdown wants to know if he’s invited”! but “Gee, I was wondering, did you invite Meltdown, by any chance?”)
Thanks. I considered using my sister or mother as an intermediary, but I was worried that they might inadvertently come across as an advocate for me – or that they might take it personally (moreso than me, even) if it turns out I wasn’t invited.
But it might be the best option in a bad situation.
I was considering not inviting a cousin with whom I had a terrible falling out to my wedding. Had I not invited her I would have let my mom know to let her sister know. (I did invite her because I couldn’t stand the stress of the possible drama fallout, and we mostly patched things up.)
Not inviting you intentionally just to keep the wedding small seems too bizarre- it must have been lost in the mail.
If you don’t want to go, call him (or email him) and let him know that you can’t possibly attend that day, so sorry. Problem solved! It doesn’t matter if he sent an invitation or not now.
And I’d make it clear that your don’t have a huge emotional investment either way… “I haven’t gotten an invitation…I’m not sure whether Susan is keeping the wedding small or not, but if it simply got lost, I didn’t want to be rude for not responding.”
I once ended up at a wedding as a “b list” attendee…I wasn’t on the original list because the budget didn’t allow everyone…but when rsvps came back, I got the “did you want to attend?” call.
Have your mother or sister gotten invitations? If so, that would definitely indicate to me that you were meant to be invited, since I can imagine omitting entire families of cousins to cut costs, but not picking and choosing among siblings, because that’s just poor form.
If you weren’t invited, they’re going to find out. Anyway, I think the best choice is to ask your Aunt, she should know the invitee list and be able to answer you. Asking your sister or mother just puts them on the spot to ask someone else, since they’re not likely to know the answer.
I’m not an etiquette authority by any means, but in your shoes I’d write the cousin an email or send a quick text message to the effect of what Dangerosa said. If you send a written message (versus calling on the phone) and it doesn’t sound passive-aggressive, there’s no pressure to lie and pretend they meant to invite you when they didn’t.
I would give your cousin until after the RSVP date. Often when planning a wedding you have several people who do not RSVP by the date requested. The couple normally contacts those who have not replied so they can get an accurate head count. If you were invited you should get a call/e-mail from your cousin asking if you are coming.
Another tactic would be to call and say something like:
“I was so happy to see the two of you are tying the knot. I would love to send over a gift. I saw Cousin It’s invite, but I didn’t catch where you are registered-- could you give me that and an address I could send something to. Where are you guys having the ceremony? That sounds lovely.”
Have another relative inquire if you were meant to be invited, being sure they add that you wouldn’t feel insulted if you weren’t. Avoid the cute passive-aggressive suggestions some have dropped…
This must be done by someone else. You can’t ask “Did you intend to leave me out of this?” without looking like you’re fishing for an invitation, no matter how you word it.
+1 to ‘third party is the way to go’. My family was once invited to the wedding of a couple who played in the same community orchestra - all of us but the youngest brother, who was eight or so at the time. We laughed and assumed that they’d forgotten about him, since he was the only member of the family who wasn’t in the orchestra. Being an eight year old boy he didn’t want to go anyway, so it was no big deal. We found out later that they’d been trying to trim the guest list below 200 and had deliberately left his name off, since they didn’t know him at all. I think they could have included him on the invitation and safely assumed he wouldn’t come, but I understood their reasoning. Their venue ended up being over capacity anyway!
The point is that people sometimes make decisions about wedding guest lists that look odd to other people. It’s possible that you’re on the B list, or that there are other factors you’re not aware of. Especially since you’re ambivalent about attending even if you were invited, the least uncomfortable route for the happy couple is if you inquire through a third party who will know the situation.
Give Aunt Jane a call:
“Hi, it’s me. Hey, I’ve moved recently and maybe nobody has my correct address. I didn’t get an invite for the wedding and just want to make sure it wasn’t lost in the mail. I understand if she wants to keep this a smaller wedding and am not offended at all if I wasn’t invited, but just wanted to check for sure.”
