I recently received an invitation to the wedding of an old friend.
We were in the same classes from elementary school on, but didn’t become friends until high school, when she suddenly singled me out and made friends with me. We went to different colleges, and wrote a few letters and visited each other once or twice, but for the past five years there has been, basically, radio silence. We grew apart, and that’s that.
A few months ago she emailed me to ask for my mailing address, and announced that she was engaged to someone. I sent back my address with the appropriate congratulations. A few days ago, an invitation to her wedding appeared in the mail.
Here are the facts of the case:
The lack of communication for the past several years
The wedding is a three-hour drive away. I am a nervous driver at best, so it would be really a chore to get there.
Once there, I would have to stay the night, because the reception is in the evening. It is on a Sunday, so I would be driving back on a Monday morning. Starting soon, I will be a postdoc, and the professor I will be working for might very well expect me to be in the lab during normal working hours. So it would be a “personal day.”
Cost of the hotel for overnight, which I don’t grudge her. I make plenty of money.
These are petty concerns, I guess. Here are the ones that I feel are substantial:
The invitation was for only me, not for me “and guest.” My stationery shop experience tells me (though she may not be aware of it) that I am quite definitely not allowed to bring a guest with me, given the wording on the invitation. I would be alone.
I was never friends with any of her friends. I was outright antagonistic with some of them. A couple of them were routinely rude to me, in that special adolescent way.
That leaves me with no one to talk to at the reception, except her. I suspect that she will have other things to attend to, though.
She was always prettier and more popular than me. I have always been a lump and was especially so when all of these people knew me. I also have a bit of a social phobia problem, especially at parties. Being alone in the middle of these snotty people who last saw me during the most embarassing part of my life would, I suspect, be untenable. I know this is selfish, but it’s a fact–I will not enjoy myself.
So, you see my question. Do I go or do I not? I hardly feel that it can have any great sentimental value to her, given our estrangement (and as well as I know her, I know that she is feeling a quiet triumph that she has finally done something before I did it). My instinct is to turn down the invitation and send her a nice wedding present (and knit her a pretty piece of white lace, too). Part of me wonders if I owe it to her to go–though honestly, it wouldn’t, at this time, occur to me to invite her to my own wedding, were I having one.
YMMV, but I’ve always found invitations to weddings/showers/children’s birthdays from people you were friends with but haven’t spoken to in several years are a gift-grab.
Personally, I would not go. I’d send a nice card, a small gift and my sincere regrets that I couldn’t make it due to prior commitments. Whether it’s work, or the fact that you hate her friends with a passion beyond all that’s holy and feel like you’d be bored out of your skull, she doesn’t need to know. Just wish her well, and thank her for thinking of you.
There is no way I’d go to this if I were you. I don’t even think she’d expect you to go… 3 hours is a long way to go for a wedding of someone you’re not close with. Send a gift you feel is appropriate-sized (she’s probably registered), and leave it at that.
Same thing happened with sort-of friends from highschool, even ones who lived within 20 minutes of the ceremony site. I wasn’t insulted in the least when they politely turned me down. It would have been nice to see them again, but I understand why they weren’t comfortable comming.
Now as for the ones who never even bothered to make their excuses…
Send your regrets, and a card if you like. I think your obligation ends there. If she hasn’t been in touch for five years, I doubt it will significantly affect her enjoyment of the day if you don’t attend. But it will affect yours if you do. Do something you like instead.
My opinion is any excuse not to go to a wedding is a good one. I hate weddings. Unless you are really close to the couple I doubt they would be offended by you not going. Less people is generaly better for the couple as it will cost them less. I wait a week or so to send a reply letter saying I can’t make it because they might get the wrong impression if they got my no responce a day after they sent the invite.
I have 4 siblings and my BF has 10 and we have a number of freinds getting married. I’d say only 1 in ten weddings are any fun. So odds are I won’t wana be there.
As someone who is currently planning a wedding, I can tell you with confidence that she likely doesn’t expect you to go.
When a person has a good-sized budget for their wedding, the idea for invites is, invite the people you would LIKE to be there, even if you’re pretty sure they won’t make it. “Out-of-Towners” are often considered to be likely no-shows due to the time and cost associated with travel and accommodations.
Sometimes the invitation is sent even if you’re certain the person won’t make it. Consider the invitation as a compliment, not a “gift-grab”, as Sierra Indigo said. Your friend knows the financial cost it would take for you to come, and has likely already assumed you won’t be there, but wanted to send you the invite as a gesture of friendship.
Fact is, there are people in your life you look back on and wish you hadn’t lost touch. Don’t feel so bad or beat yourself up. You’re loved. Send the RSVP back as a “no” but with a nice thank you and enjoy the fact that someone thinks highly of you.
I agree with Carlyjay. I’m the sort of person who always wants to know what happened to old friends I haven’t seen for years. Even if we’ve lost touch, I still think of them fondly and would love to see them. If I’d invited you to my wedding, it would be because I thought of you as an old friend who I’d like to see again; you might not be able to come and that’s fine, but why not send an invitation as a gesture of friendship?
And the “and guest” might have been her way of realizing that, if you came, you wouldn’t have other friends there to talk with, and you might like to take a friend along, or what if you’re dating someone seriously? No, it’s not absolutely correct, but sometimes you want to make things easier on someone or make it possible to bring a date you didn’t realize should come.
No, you don’t have to go, and she probably doesn’t expect you to. People send out a lot of invitations to friends they know will not be able to come; it’s out of friendship most of the time. You don’t have to send a gift either, but a nice letter with some remembrances of your good times together would be lovely.
Except the invitation was not issed to the OP & Guest, but only to the OP. So she can’t being anyone with her unless she wants to be very rude.
That said, I do think that Carlyjay and dangermom have it right: it’s not so much a gift-grab as an opportunity to re-establish contact with old friends. She thinks of you fondly and would like you to be there, but I very much doubt she expects you to be there. Send your regrets, and if you’re interested, use this as a window to get in regular contact with her again.
I agree that you should consider the invite a compliment, and possibly a gesture that your friend would like to jumpstart the friendship again, or at least keep a little closer in touch.
However, IMHO, this:
is just plain rude, and is reason enough not to attend.
Don’t go, but send a nice card or letter. If you’d like to send a gift–the handmade lace sounds lovely–go for it, but don’t feel that you must. Think of the invitation as a thoughtful gesture on your friend’s part.
I’m with carlyjay. I don’t think it’s necessarily a gift-grab. More likely, it was the first time she went through her address book cover to cover in 5 years and saw your name. “Oh, shit!” she may have thought, “We’ve really gotten out of touch! It would be so cool to see her again…she probably won’t be able to make it, but heck, I’m going to send her an invite anyway. Wonder what she’s up to?”
Or not. But I find I enjoy life more if I give people the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume ill-motives.
However, it’s clear that you don’t want to go, and that’s the only reason you need to decline. Were she family or a close friend, you might be socially obligated, even if you didn’t want to, but in this case, I’d say you’re not.
But please, please, please send back the RSVP card with a regret! It’s so annoying when people don’t RSVP!
Sorry, i completely disagree. Weddings are expensive events, and people have to make decisions about who gets invited and who doesn’t. The OP has already made clear that she and the person getting married aren’t exactly the closest of friends; for the planner to use another seating space on the partner/guest would be silly.
That said, i think the OP is under no obligation at all to attend. If it were me, and i had the sort of ambivalence that Sattua is displaying, there’s no way i’d go.
Viewing the invitation as a gift-grab is the nastiest way to view it. Planning a wedding is, to most people, a sentimental exercise. In the course of the planning, most people start to think about old friends and family who, even if they’ve fallen out of touch, used to be dear to them.
This doesn’t mean you ‘owe’ it to her to actually attend the wedding. She wasn’t rude to invite you without a guest, BTW. Although it is common to invite people with escorts, it isn’t required by etiquette that the couple do so. If they both invited lots of old friends, then the numbers might not have allowed for guests. However, even if it wasn’t rude, it does leave you with the likelihood that you’ll know nobody at the wedding except for the bride and some old enemies. This, plus the fact that attending would cause you some expense and hardship, is reason enough to decline.
As for what you do ‘owe’ her in response to the invitation – you definately owe her a prompt RSVP. That is the number one etiquette failing that hosts and hostesses complain about – people who don’t RSVP. So, send that card back pronto. And, according to etiquette, you owe her your best wishes. For close friends and family, these best wishes usually take a tangible form (a gift!), but they don’t have to. It would be perfectly polite of you to send her just a congratulatory card with a handwritten message inside wishing her a happy marriage. If you also wanted to send her a handmade token, that would be particularly gracious and sweet of you. There is no need to buy her a gift (especially not if you send her the lace, which would be a perfectly lovely gift all on its own).
Jess (professional wedding planner and etiquette nut)
Since my daughter is getting married in about 2 months, I’m going through the experience from the other side. On the “and guest” thing: in putting the invitation list together, my daughter was careful about who was in a couple situation, and who wasn’t. Those who were part of a couple got an invitation for two, and others didn’t. Sattua has not said whether she has a partner, but if she does, that I think it’s moderately rude to invite just her. However, her friend may just be assuming that she doesn’t.
And we invited a few people who we don’t expect to show up because they live a long way away (i.e., a lot more than a 3 hour drive – in some cases, because the trip isn’t driveable). So Sattua may be on the not-expected-but-it-would-be-nice-if-she-could-make-it list.
I just dropped the RSVP into the mail, so that is taken care of. I’m (rather pleasantly) surprised to discover that one doesn’t owe it to the bride to face hell & high water for her, on her wedding day. I will have to remember that on my own
I think I will knit the lace for her. We used to be close, I feel that she deserves it.
That’s the thing. If they were close and the bride knew that Sattua didn’t have a significant other or didn’t intend to bring a date, it would be acceptable. But they haven’t spoken in five years. For all the bride knows, Sattua could have a serious boyfriend or a husband. You can’t invite one half of a couple.
