In order:
I’m not sure.
I have no idea.
Quite likely.
Absolutely.
He’s said it’s my decision, and that he’ll support me either way.
StGermain, I was only half-serious about the whole birthday thing being My Special Day, mostly because it wasn’t until my mother and sister invited themselves over so we could do a Big Happy Family Celebration. Personally, I’d have been happy just sitting at home with The Boy and treating it like an ordinary night.
So while her actions were pretty awful under regular circumstances, it was doubly insulting that they she came into town specifically to celebrate my birthday, only to crap all over it.
AuntiePam, I didn’t know the date of the wedding until the invitation arrived. On the other hand, I haven’t actually booked anything in Hawaii, so the only issue with cancelling my plans at this stage is a disappointed friend (since I’ve been promising to come for a visit for several months now and just confirmed dates with them). That puts it in a sort of grey area, I guess.
I vote for going. If you want to cut off contact with your sister forever or have a big fight or something, it can wait for another day. Take the high road. Your mom also needs to let go and deal.
However…a few hundred dollars for a gift, really? Maybe you move in different circles than I do, but I’m surprised you’d feel it necessary to spend so much.
I think you should go as well. Hawaii will aways be there (I hope!). If you do go to the wedding, though, I would be beyond reproach. Be as classy as you possibly can, and let the others embarrass themselves if they feel the need.
I agree with this. And I’ll add that when you actually have to ask yourself “Should I go to this wedding?” the answer is usually “No” because the reason you’re asking yourself is because you don’t actually want to. It doesn’t seem that you two particularly like each other and I don’t see why she’d invite you, actually. The wedding is about celebrating her marriage not about mending fences with you. If you go with the intention of mending fences it will backfire because you’ll be making her day about you two.
If she’s only inviting you to keep the peace and she doesn’t want you there, it’s not really genuine. And if you’re only going as a duty to keep the peace and not to celebrate her happy day, your presence is bogus. I’d go if I had no other plans, otherwise I’d send my regrets due to a prior engagement.
As my dear mother sometimes remarks, especially in connection with weddings and other occasions for family drama - and my family is not immune to such things -
One of the most useful functions of formal rules of etiquette is to determine how to behave towards people you don’t much like.
The last time you talked to your sister, you ordered her out of the house due to the argument. Since then, she’s been distant, but has at least kept up a semblance of family communication. You haven’t mentioned that you’ve done anything, so I’m assuming that you haven’t, since you still feel you’re owed an apology. Somehow, it’s your sister’s fault that she’s invited both her parents to her wedding; whatever bad blood is there is somehow her responsibility to solve or manage.
I can’t imagine why your sister ever considered not inviting family to the wedding. :rolleyes:
I think that you should not go unless you’re honestly prepared to let go of your issues for the wedding. If you go into it expecting that she still owes you an apology, it will only end badly.
Based on these answers–and the questions that inspired them–I vote go to your sister’s wedding. It may not be the happiest day of your life–and it sucks that going to your sister’s wedding with the attendent family drama will make a much desired trip to Hawaii not happen this year–but you should go anyway.
And, frankly, much as you may feel that your sister owes you an apology(and more), if you aren’t prepared to cut her out of your life permanently, you may need to be the bigger person and extend her an olive branch first.
I had a much more minor version of this last year.
My brother got married, and I decided not to go. I got up on my high horse
and blathered about how he never had any interest my kids, never made any efforts, blah, blah, blah.
well, i feel like a heel now. and i wish i had gone.
that’s just my two cents, not that it’s worth even that…
Yes, you should go. The wedding invitation is an olive branch – but now you’re demanding a better one. Just like her cards “seem lik due diligence and not a real peace offering.” Frankly, you sound like one of those people who say, “Say your sorry,” and when the other person does, says, “Say it better, more like you mean it.” And your mother’s drama is hers, not yours. If your father is re-married and invited, that etiquette demands that his wife be invited as well. Even if you don’t really care what etiquette says, it’s your sister’s wedding and she’s entitled to invite whoever the hell she wants. If your mother decides she will not go – there’s no “cannot” about it, of course she is able to go – that’s her decision. And if your sister is an adult, your “approval” of her fiance, or her decision, is not necessary.
I think you should go if you can be pleasant and congratulatory. If you’re going to haul into her wedding a big honking bag of resentment and dislike, then I think you should stay away.
My (now ex-) wife and I wanted as small, private wedding with a minimal reception. Maybe nuclear families, grandparents, and a few close friends.
My mother disagreed, and wanted a lavish reception bringing in dozens of relatives from across the country.
"Fine, " we said. “If you’re planning it and paying for it.”
Cue the $40,000 reception.
Five years later, I’m now divorced, and my mom is $40,000 more embarrassed.
It was none of your business whether your sister wanted to invite the whole family to her wedding or not. In fact, not inviting a bunch of people sounds like the opposite of a bridezilla. How is HER SPECIAL DAY if there’s nobody there?
This too.
What, she needs your permission before she can marry somebody? How is it any of your business?
I agree with **Shodan **and his mother. Put on a happy face and go. Besides the money problem I don’t think the cons are insurmountable.
Your sister and her husband will be living together, apart from you, so if she made a bad choice of partner, that’s on her. Your parents’ issues are their own, and they only need to breath the same air for a few hours, and even if your sister behaves badly enough to end up on the news, the wedding is just a short portion of your life. Plus you’ll have material for a very entertaining thread.
Here’s another point of view. You got into a fight with your sister because she didn’t want to invite you to the wedding. Now she invites you and you are going to tell her “no I don’t want to go.” Your sister is going to think “then why the hell was she complaining in the first place?”
As to whether you should go or not, I don’t know what is right for you.
But if it was me, and I was invited to a close family member’s wedding, there is no question.
Yes I would go and I would congratulate them on their wedding day.
P.S. Concerning the parental situation: I’m thinking like your sister on this. She should invite both parents. If one of the parents decides not to go that is up to them. Unless of course your father’s new wife committed some horrible crime against your mother like attempting to murder her and getting away scot-free. If the horrible crime committed by the new wife is stealing her husband away, then the criminal is not really her, it’s the ex-husband, no?
Why the need for groveling? You either want your sister back in your life or you don’t. You’re probably not going to get the apology you so desire, because it sounds to me like your sister’s only real flaw is refusing to stop arguing with her family about how insane they are. It was perfectly reasonable of her given the ridiculous behavior of your parents to decide not to have the family at her wedding. You were not invited probably because you played your own role in the drama by taking your mother’s side.
I’m guessing the ‘‘screaming tantrums’’ between your mother and your sister were about how your mother is so self-centered and childish by dragging the marriage/divorce drama into what is supposed to be one of the best days of your sister’s life. Guess what? Your sister’s right.
I agree with this. You’re not exactly holding the high ground here. Your getting upset at your sister for not “shunning” other family members based on your mother’s childish behavior only reinforces this opinion. Be the grownup, go to the wedding, bring a gift. Don’t sulk. Don’t make a scene. Don’t make this about you. Don’t hold out for an apology, unless you’re prepared to make one first.
Call her and talk to her. Only then can you gauge whether the invite was socially driven or the more personal olive branch. I do think you should apologize for the words on your birthday (based on your “I got upset” - I do not think you should have to apologize for telling her you would be hurt if you didn’t get an invitation). However if she counters with that was the only reason you got an invite, then I’d send a token gift in response to the token invitation and book the trip to Hawaii.
The issues with mom and dad aren’t yours to deal with. If your mother is that childish that she would refuse to go to her own daughter’s wedding because she can’t bear to be in the same building as your father, it’s not your or your sister’s problem to fix. Hell, my parents could barely stand to be in the same room together, but they pulled it together for my wedding - and they didn’t have the luxury of being divorced.
As an aside, has she unblocked you or added you back on Facebook?
Fair enough. The Dope has spoken. I’ve got a little soul-searching to do, and you’ve all given me food for thought.
I suppose I can only expect so much sympathy from anyone who hasn’t experienced my sister firsthand, though it’s small comfort to see that the people who do know (like LiLi) can see where I’m coming from. The wedding discussion was just the catalyst, but suffice to say that it’s always been All About Her as far as she’s concerned.
I have to say, though, I’m actually amazed at how many people have decided to portray her as the sane grown-up in this mess - we’re talking about a girl who spent three hours on a couch, sulking like a two year old after a temper tantrum (and by “sulk” I mean sitting with her arms crossed, refusing to speak to anyone, and by “tantrum” I mean red-faced irrational screaming fit). I honestly expected better from you guys… but then again, wedding advice threads have a habit of turning into complete trainwrecks, so I should have seen it coming.
And If I do decide to go, I will be hashing this out with her once and for all BEFORE the big day. I never had the intention of using the wedding day for that purpose… I do have some common sense, believe it or not.
AngryIrishLass: I’m still blocked on MSN (I checked last night), and she hasn’t added me back on Facebook (which, quite frankly, in my books is the absolute minimum for an olive branch).
olives, I’m not asking for groveling. Hell, not even an apology, per se… even a little handwritten note to the effect of “I’m sorry we’ve grown apart, but I’d really like for you to be there” would have sufficed.
Giving an example like that earlier would have helped your “she’s the childish one” case, sort of like mentioning the “I didn’t really care that much about my birthday and was kidding about the My Special Day thing with that” clarification earlier. What I’d gotten out of it is that your mother and sister have fairly frequent screaming matches, your mother wouldn’t go to the wedding because your dad was going, your sister respected proper etiquette by inviting her dad’s new wife, and you were mad that you weren’t invited initially even though no family was invited.
(Your mother is still being irrational. Plenty of people go through ugly divorces involving addictions and/or infidelity and yet still attend their own children’s weddings. If your father was a murderer or child molester or something, I could understand it.)
If you care about seeing your sister ever again, or care about seeing anyone else in your family again (because your sister and her husband will probably be at some of these gatherings), call and talk it out. Offer an apology first for your part in the fight that blew up between you, see where you can go from there.
Mahna, do you mind if I add? Too late. Part of the Birthday Screaming fit was because Mahna’s sister told her pointedly, “Oh, you’re not invited. None of you are invited. My real family (a few friends) are all being flown to a small tropical island for the ceremony (before they switched it back to Halifax). You can’t come.”
And yeah, I knew the sister, and the tone would not have been grown-up. She really is a huge drama queen. She was throwing screaming on-the-floor tantrums at age fifteen and sixteen when she didn’t get her own way.
That said, I agree with the general tone of the advice, after thought- you get to be the grown-up here. She’ll probably be dramatic and insufferable, but I think, unless you want to permanently alienate her, you and The Boy ought to go.
But surely you knew all this at the time you got upset for not being invited to her wedding, right? Which brings me back to my previous point - if you complain about not being invited to a wedding, then it’s bad form when you subsequently get invited to the wedding and refuse to go.
(My last paragraph in my first post was wrong, I had thought that your mother was skipping the wedding because of the new wife being there. Now that I re-read the OP I see that your mother is skipping the wedding because of the father being there. That is not your sister’s fault. Unless of course there are extraordinary circumstances in your family’s case.)
