That’s completely understandable. Sorry if I seemed a little harsh. I’m in a pissy mood today because of issues with my own family.
Maybe she is really behaving badly, but the specific issue does touch a nerve. My husband’s mother never ceases to drag her issues with her ex-husband into her children’s lives, often she willingly does so when it’s clearly causing them emotional pain, and as a result I really have nothing but contempt for that kind of behavior. Maybe the sulky/tantrum thing is sort of your family’s MO in general, and your sister got really good at it. I really don’t advocate that behavior coming from her, either. It sounds like a really messed up situation for everyone. The only thing that you really can do is demonstrate exemplary behavior and hope everyone else catches on.
The truth is, I don’t think you’re morally obligated to go or not go, to apologize or not apologize, to send a token gift or give her the middle finger. It’s all about what feels right and good for you. Some people need the support and approval of their family members, others don’t, and some people only need the support and approval of* certain* family members and can do without the others. Where you fall in that spectrum may require a bit of soul-searching to figure out, but the bottom line is, your family doesn’t seem very positive or healthy and something will have to change.
There are certain entities that I wouldn’t like to mess with:
The IRS
The INS
A woman planning her dream wedding.
To me, it’s less important whether you go to the wedding than that you patch up the relationship. But there’s no rush on that…i.e. don’t slap a band-aid on it and call it fixed. If you can really fix it before the wedding, ok, maybe.
Her original intention was not to invite you. Your job is to accept that, even if you hate it. Besides, like you had a choice? To exact an invitation where you weren’t wanted, nah.
This is why I think you need to contact her or perhaps an intermediary. She can say, “Damn, you expect to be invited, then I invite you and you don’t come?” or she can be a PITA and you’ll ruin her day. Besides, they have to plan how many people they’ll be feeding and seating etc. That means you as a guest have to RSVP—it’s only good manners. And then you’ll be committed to it.
Ordering her out of your house? If you ordered me out, I’d probably never speak to you again…you may think she deserved it and maybe she did, but that’s extreme IMO. If I ordered someone out, I would have to be very sure I never expected or intended to speak to them again, come hell or high water. That’s a big step and I’d have to expect it would be irreversible.
But maybe blood is thicker than water. If you contact her, or have someone contact her on your behalf, stick to the matter at hand…acknowledge her olive branch. Apologize for things you wish you hadn’t said or done. Explain that you made plans in the interim. If you really don’t want to change your plans, don’t offer to do so. If you really want to go to the wedding and she seems to genuinely want you there, ok. She may choose to take the high road with you or not. That’s not your problem. If you can’t manage a civilized discussion before the event, I would not go.
And as others have stated, stay out of the parental thing.
If you go, and she has made no attempt to talk to you beforehand to clear the air…don’t insist on a pre-wedding-day talk with her. I would just show up at the church or wherever a few minutes before the wedding starts, and sit about halfway down the church…not on the aisle…and smile and take pictures of her walking down the aisle, and then go through the receiving line and shake his hand and give her a kiss and offer your best wishes. If mom decides to show up, she can sit with you if she can’t be a grown-up and sit near the ex-husband. If you have been invited to the reception, go and greet all the other relatives and eat dinner and then quietly slip out after the cake is cut…and get on a plane and head to Hawaii. Don’t go back to the house, don’t spend another night in town.
I believe you that your sister is a huge drama queen. What you are probably missing is how big a drama queen YOU are, Mahna Mahna. I think the reason a lot of people are picking up on that is because it sounds like your whole family needs to grow up. You have a sucky family; we get that. You only have two choices when dealing with pain-in-the-ass family - deal with them as much as you can and maintain your own sanity, or write them off if it’s bad enough, because you can’t change anyone else. If you can maintain your own sanity and go to your sister’s wedding, then go. If you don’t care if you ever see her again, write her off and live your own life guilt-free. I think your relationship with your sister would be vastly improved by more realistic expectations about what she can actually contribute to your life.
Go. Be polite. Stay dispassionate. Give a token gift and write a heartfelt note. Make a polite excuse to leave early. Stay out of the drama that your parents are creating amongst themselves; that is most assuredly not your problem.
If, after all of this, sister is resentful, bitter, catty, holds some lingering grudge, whatever, don’t worry about it, just maintain a polite distance. You did the polite, adult thing and that’s really all that’s required of you. By the same token, you need to get over any lingering grudges you have [so you can live your life without drama] and leave her feelings to her, whatever they may be.
I’m of the same mind as featherlou. If you don’t want drama, stop contributing to it! Subsequent posts convey that your sister’s behavior is long-standing; i.e., you know very well what she is like. When she announced her wedding plans on your birthday, you could have said, “well, it’s your wedding and you can do whatever you want to do,” or “I’m sorry I’ll miss it, but I wish you both the very best.” But that would have meant NO DRAMA! Instead, you made demands, got upset and threw her out.
I suggest that in the next three months prior to her wedding, you get some counseling. One of the first things you’ll learn is that you cannot control or change someone else - only yourself. After a month or two of counseling, then you can make your attendance decision well within the time to r.s.v.p.
I wish you the best, no matter what decision you ultimately make.
I probably wouldn’t change plans on the trip, unless it was something that you could easily reschedule. I would encourage you to call and thank her for inviting you, as the invitation is probably the closest thing you will get to an apology. Explain that you had the trip scheduled, but that you do want to offer best wishes on the wedding. It may get you talking again, which seems to be something you want to do.
I agree. You seem to be upset that posters here are not giving you enough sympathy, but the question that you asked is not “Is my sister a batshit crazy attention whore?” it’s "Should I go to my sister’s wedding or not? ". Posts that seem unsympathetic are just trying to give you advice for the long-term, not just for the one weekend of this wedding. And honestly, if something like this was keeping you up all night then you probably need to think long-term. There will be other stupid family events and all of this drama will keep up unless someone does something different. And don’t count on your sister or mom to be that someone.
But you are contemplating making a big deal out of the one occasion that really is all about her. I don’t mean in the bridezilla “It’s my day so I can be a rude bitch” sense, but – it’s her wedding. It is the one occasion that should be all, or mostly, about her. So to me, choosing that particular occasion to take a stand abut how it’s always been all about her – that’s just really odd. And clearly shows that you’re hauling a lot of baggage where she’s concerned. The next time she’s self-centered and insistent on having her own way, you can call her to task for it, or refuse to put up with it. But this time – you can’t, because if you do the rudeness will be yours, not hers.
So if you can’t go and let her be the center of attention on her own freaking wedding day, then you absolutely should not go. And I continue to believe that you setting conditions for what is an acceptable gesture of reaching out (being added back to Facebook is the “absolute minimum”) means that at this point, the problem is with you, not her.
AND I think that your reference to “hashing it out once and for all” prior to her big day just means you’ve decided to have a (nother) fight with her before her wedding, while she’s planning it, instead of on the day itself. Gold star.
You don’t have to hash out anything at this point. You don’t have to make up with her, you don’t have to set conditions on your attendance, you don’t have to make her commit to certain benchmarks before you’ll agree to go. All you have to do is show up, be civil, bring a gift, and let her have her day. Whatever hashing out, making up, cutting off, fighting, rassling, needs to be done can be done the day after the wedding, or any other day for the rest of your lives.
If you can’t go and be 100% supportive and nice – or at least fake it – then go to Hawaii instead.
I would say the issue with your mother and your father is between them. Your mom can suck it up for a few hours or stay home and be hurt. Either way, it’s up to her.
If you hadn’t already made plans to go to Hawaii, I’d say go. Is there any way you and your sister can have a conversation to get the air cleared up?
OK, I woke up this morning feeling like I had a pretty decent handle on all this. Cancel Hawaii, start making plans to go to Halifax instead, attempt some form of reconciliation with sister in the meantime, and then show up and play gracious guest.
Now the tide has turned again, because everyone seems to be saying “don’t talk to her for another three months, show up to the wedding, avoid any contact beyond a handshake, and sneak out as soon as possible”… which, to be frank, seems awfully passive agressive.
Well, that was my plan… but the majority seems to feel that this is inappropriate on my part.
Can this relative newbie speak candidly and honestly? I assume the lack of response to be a positive
It sounds like the whole fam damily needs to grow up! Particularly mom and dad.
As to your dilemma, I don’t base my behaviors or decisions on those of other people. I probably wouldn’t have allowed it to go as long as it did with no contact. I’d have owned my part of the problem (If I’m involved, I ALWAYS have a part, no matter how small in comparison and it is my responsbility to own it) and made appropriate amends. It’s not up to me whether or not other people make amends. I don’t clean up other people’s messes, that’s up to them and not my job. So, if I wanted to go to the wedding I would have made my amends and I would go and have fun and be the best sister I could be as I’m the only one I have any control over.
As for inviting your dad and his wife… Good for her! It is not the children’s job to pick sides in their parent’s divorce. It is the responsibility of the parents to put their differences aside in deference to their kids, even if said kids are adults. The greatest gift my parents gave my brother and I (and my ex and I have done the same for our children) was putting their resentments and other bullshit behind them and putting us first. We never had to choose who to spend a holiday with, we all spent it together, with new spouses, etc. I was 17 when the divorced by the way, and I’m still so grateful they were able to do that for us. Until my father died two years ago, he and my mother were friendly with each other for the sake of my brother and I. I was 48 when he died! My ex and I spend out kids birthdays all together, along with my husband. We do Xmas at each other’s houses, all of us. I can’t imagine putting my kids in the middle of our divorce any more than was absolutely necessary.
So, like I began with, some growing up needs to happen!
Oh, and when I got married, both my parents, who were divorced from each other for about 8 years by that time, walked me down the aisle and their respective spouses were invited guests and everybody made nice nice and were friendly to one another. All adult like. It was wonderful for me! If your mom chooses to miss her daughter’s wedding because her ex husband will be there… Well, what a pity she couldn’t put your sisiter above her resentments.
Nobody said “Don’t talk to her for three months,” but it seems like all you have in mind in terms of “talking to her” is actually fighting with her some more. You haven’t said anything that makes it sound like you intend to just call her up some evening and casually ask her how the wedding plans are going. And being nice to her on her wedding day isn’t passive-aggressive, it’s just passive a/k/a “being nice.” You can add the aggression back in any time you want afterward.
You should decide as soon as possible. If you decide to go, then write a nice note to her, saying that you would be pleased and honored to attend. Don’t mention that you had planned another trip entirely. Go to the wedding and be on your very best behavior, and put all the drama aside for another time. If someone tries to start something, smile and say that you’d like to just enjoy the wedding, and that you can have that discussion some other day.
If you decide not to go, then again, write a nice note to her, expressing your regrets, and wishing her well. You may or may not tell her that you had a previous engagement.
In either case, you should try to re-establish communications with her. Be a good example. Tell her that you’d like her to add you to Facebook and whatever else. Tell her (whether it’s the truth or not) that you miss being in contact with her.
I wish you well. I have quite a few drama queens in my own family tree, and about the only way to effectively deal with them is to not play along with them.
Actually, I had no intention of fighting… believe it or not “hash it out” doesn’t imply an argument, and can encompass plenty of other options.
Nor is my comment about passive-aggressive related to “being nice”, either. It relates to sneaking out in the dead of night to fly to Hawaii, as was suggested upthread, and to avoiding all contact with the bride and groom besides a handshake, as was also suggested by another poster. I’m capable of letting sleeping dogs lie when an occasion calls for it, but that sort of advice is just bullshit.
Quit reading between the lines. This isn’t an episode of Dallas. No one is planning on jumping on the bride on Her Special Fucking Day and clawing at her face.
Whether you go or not, it’s going to turn into a huge drama fest. That’s the sticking point here. I have the feeling, based on what you and Lissa have said about her, that this is not going to be your sister’s only wedding.
I don’t think you’re capable of “letting sleeping dogs lie”, since you first insisted that family be invited, despite knowing that would mean serious problems with your parents. Saying “congratulations and I hope you enjoy your day” would have been the mature thing to do. Mentioning that it happened on your 30th birthday seems a bit whiney to me.
To call someone’s **asked for **advice “bullshit” is rude as hell. someone disagrees with you, or you read something between the lines that isn’t there and you post a pout:
