My fellow Americans:
It has come to my attention that decent, well-meaning citizens, Mom’s and Dad’s of this fine, God-fearing nation have recently been offering advice on the identification and disposition of Communists and Communist sympathizers that lie amongst us like jackals in the dark. While their advice is no doubt well-intended, it is important that professionals in the field of countersubversion and insurgency suppression address these matters, lest the most clever of these demons in disguise conceal themselves by offering up sacrificial lambs. Come to think of it, I wonder slightly at the true motivation of 50’s Dad and his alleged antiCommunist stance; as the Bible says, we must beware of false idols.
Anyway, as your Senator and representative in the capital of Washington, D.C.–a city that is being overrun with Communists and their lackeys–I think it only fair to warn you about the grave threat that the International Communist Conspiracy poses to the freedom loving and pious people everywhere. Why, in this envelope right here, I have a list of two hundred and seventy-three people in government and military service who have past or presesnt affiliations with Communists. Why, Communists are plotting every day to corrupt your children with their heathenry belief that we are cousins to apes, that the dark-skinned races are morally and intellectually equivilent to the noble Saxons of Europe and America, and that the poor should have political and economic parity with the wealthy.
Why, isn’t it the founding principle of this great nation that every man–and by man, we mean male landowner–has an equal right to vote and conduct business? By what rule should anyone tell the President of International Telegraph and Telephone that he can’t extract the greatest profit from whatever enterprise he may seek in some God-foresaken Latin American cesspit full of dirty, greasy-haired people who have no more sense than a dog? And yet, the Marxist upsurers–you’ve already heard about them in the news–seek to rise up against these great American industrialists and contest their God-given right to use the land that they have lawfully siezed from the lazy peasents that dwell on it, and put these heathens to work in support of democracy and freedom everywhere.
Even more painfully, we’ve seen the leadership of this great nation cringe back from confrontation with the insidious Communist threat; first with that liberal peacemonger, Truman, and then with Eisenhower. Indeed, I have right here, pictures of Eisenhower, in a place called Malta, shaking hands with the leader of the greatest Communist threat, Josef Stalin of the Soviet Union. How much further will he take this? Will he invite Mao Tse Tung to have dinner at the White House? Why, he’s practically selling off the birthright of every God-fearing American to the forces of worldwide Communism!
I urge each and every one of you, as freedom-loving citizens of this great nation under God to do whatever is within your power to oppose Communists in our midsts. Remember, the Communists can take many guises; they may come singlely, or in force; they may pretend to be teachers, lawyers, doctors, or even clergymen. They’ll try to convince you that this so-called “New Math” is a better way for students to learn, when in fact, they are doing their very best to increase the Missile Gap by trying to make our children as backward and ignorant as theirs.
This is what you must do:
[ul]
[li]First, you must take an Oath of Loyalty, and insist that your family, your friends, your coworkers, the members of your congregation, and the educator of your children take this oath. Failure to take this oath is a sign of subversiveness and should be closely monitored.[/li][li]Second, do not let your children question the strict adherence to God and America. Any attempt to do so is a sign that their teachers are Communists who are attempting to subvert your children to the principles of COMINTERN.[/li][li]Third, protect your children and yourself from influences, not only of mind but of body. Be careful about the substances you ingest. Only smoke genuine American tobacco like the healthful and freedom-promoting cigarettes of the Philip Morris corporation. Eat only good American beef and pork. Do not partake in vodka or other spirits that do not come from the crisp, clean, uncontaminated and God-given waters of Tennesee and Kentucky. Drink only American beer–preferably Pabst Blue Ribbon or Hamms.[/li][li]Fourth, encourage your local government to purge itself of all elements of questionable integrity. Freedom and piety start at the local level. If the Communists take over our great cities, as they already have our newspapers and schools, the government will become helpless to fight them.[/li][li]Finally, if you suspect that a friend, coworker, or God-forbid a family member is a Communist or is assisting the International Communist Conspiracy, contact your local FBI office at once. Without eternal vigiliance, the Communists will surely destroy this great, God-fearing nation of ours with their treacherous ideology of evil.[/ul][/li]
My fellow God-loving Americans, it is now time to confront this evil among us. Do not be circumspect or dubious; if you think, or even suspect that someone you know is a Communist, do your duty as citizens and Christians, and turn that person in. It is better to expose a few innocent people to questioning and harassment than to allow the whole of this great nation to be overrun by a bunch of Communist heathens as as already happened in Washington and elsewhere. I am relying upon you to help us win the home front against Communists.
If you have any questions on how to identify, or what to do, with suspected Communists, please ask them now…before it’s too late.
Senator Jacob McKinney