Your Porn Stash

[bubastis]

Its been a long while since I bought a porn mag/ tape, but back in my adolescence my porn was as hard to find as a WMD in Basra. Video cases were discarded, labels ripped off and the tape itself hidden in a shoebox, under the shoes, in the bottom of the wardrobe, with a load of clothes stacked on top. Mags were folded and stored in the box my N64 came in, with the epilespsy warnings/ forthcoming games leaflets on top. This box was then stored at the very top of the closet, wedged to the top. Seems we guys can get pretty ingenius when it comes to this sort of thing; did anyone else have really secret stashes? If not of porn, then pot, or whatever contraband you had.

[Agnostic Pagan]

Originally Posted by bubastis

Seems we guys can get pretty ingenius when it comes to this sort of thing; did anyone else have really secret stashes? If not of porn, then pot, or whatever contraband you had.

I'll lay some good odds your mom still knew where it was.
We only think we are clever. Father may know best, but mom knows all.

My mom found a magazine I had when I was thirteen. She told me to get rid of it, but did not turn it into a huge issue. (My dad would have worn out his belt on my behind.) She finally told me in my twenties that she knew where my stash was as a teenager. (Just don't ask how that became the subject of the conversation.) By then, she considered it a sign of growing up. I would guess that depends on how old you are also at the time.

SDMB moms? Any input? Have you ever found your sons/husbands stash? What did you do?

[Nic2004]

The best hidding place was in plain sight. I would replace the edge label with a name too boring to attract any attention... something no one would want to watch, and place it in the rack with the rest.

[bubastis]

Originally Posted by Nic2004

The best hidding place was in plain sight. I would replace the edge label with a name too boring to attract any attention... something no one would want to watch, and place it in the rack with the rest.

I never had the balls to try this.

[Miller]

Well, most of my early porn was digital in nature, and since both of my parents are terminally computer illiterate (my mom's gotten better; my dad, inexplicably, had gotten worse) there was never any real "danger" of them finding it. But then, my parents didn't care if I had porn in the first place, anyway, so even after I started getting hard-copies, I never took extraordinary measures to hide it, just kept it out of sight to maintain a sense of decorum.

Even so, that didn't always work. One time when my three year old cousin was over, she was told to find a video to watch to keep her quiet. She went into my room and came out with a copy of Butt Sluts 23.

[BoringDad]

Originally Posted by Miller

Even so, that didn't always work. One time when my three year old cousin was over, she was told to find a video to watch to keep her quiet. She went into my room and came out with a copy of Butt Sluts 23.

Hmmm. That would either keep her real quiet with her mouth hanging open, or she would be rapidfire "Mommy! Why are they doing that! Mommy! Where are their clothes! Mommy! Daddy's penis hangs straight down and is floppy, but that man's penis looks like its made of steel! Why? Mommy! He sneezed on her! From down there! Why?"

Hmmm. But there would be the future hilarity of hearing a cheerful three year old singing cheesy porn theme song music "Bum chicka bum baaaaaa..." at pre-school.

And digital porn when you were younger? Kids today. We had to make do with a purloined Penthouse that we found in the woods. And digital porn was somethign that was done with your fingers...

[Ludy]

Originally Posted by Nic2004

The best hidding place was in plain sight. I would replace the edge label with a name too boring to attract any attention... something no one would want to watch, and place it in the rack with the rest.

My brother was a step up from that. He worked at a video store and had a moive collection like no other. Yes, a number of porns were in that collection as well. In alphabetical order no less. Now that takes balls.

Clerks
Debbie does Dallas
E.T.

[slortar]

Originally Posted by Nic2004

The best hidding place was in plain sight. I would replace the edge label with a name too boring to attract any attention... something no one would want to watch, and place it in the rack with the rest.

Heh. I always used to joke that the you can always tell which tapes were a guy's porno stash because they always had two distinguishing factors:

1. Really boring labels written on them in pen or marker (Aunt's Wedding, Rock Videos, 14th Century Bavarian Cabinet Building, etc) and
2. An incongruous level of use--battered case, scratches, etc.

[Miller]

Originally Posted by BoringDad

And digital porn when you were younger? Kids today. We had to make do with a purloined Penthouse that we found in the woods. And digital porn was somethign that was done with your fingers...

Ha, you want to feel really old? I say more or less the same thing to people younger than me. "Dedicated porn websites with streaming video? Kids today. We had to make do with swapping low-resolution gifs over all-text BBS that we connected to with our 24.4 dial-up modems! And we liked it!"

[BoringDad]

Originally Posted by Miller

Ha, you want to feel really old? I say more or less the same thing to people younger than me. "Dedicated porn websites with streaming video? Kids today. We had to make do with swapping low-resolution gifs over all-text BBS that we connected to with our 24.4 dial-up modems! And we liked it!"

Oh the days when surfing the web for pornography consisted of finding multi-part text files on Usenet binaries sites and linking them and converting them to pictures. Took about 3 minutes per boob!

[El_Kabong]

My Dad, I guess, thought he had his porn pretty well hidden, and no one in our family ever really talked about it until after he was gone, but it turns out that that everyone in the house knew exactly where to find it.

Now, I live by myself, so if I've got any porn around (and I'm not saying I do ) I don't really have to do all that much to hide it.

[Rysdad]

Originally Posted by BoringDad

"Bum chicka bum baaaaaa..."

Everyone knows it's wakka chikka wah waow, wakka chikka waow."

[Aesiron]

Originally Posted by Ludy

My brother was a step up from that. He worked at a video store and had a moive collection like no other. Yes, a number of porns were in that collection as well. In alphabetical order no less. Now that takes balls.

Clerks
Debbie does Dallas
E.T.

My DVD collection is pretty small at only 34 movies and one series but it's arranged in alphabetical order and is bookended by A is for Asia and Waikiki Wackoff, my only porn.

[Miller]

Originally Posted by Rysdad

Everyone knows it's wakka chikka wah waow, wakka chikka waow."

Clearly you're unfamiliar with the Butt Sluts ouevre. As should be obvious from the title, it's all about the "bum chicka bum."

[soulmurk]

I had a pretty ingenious hiding spot that only poor craftmanship revealed:

In the bathroom, above the toilet, was a wicker cabinet that my mother had painted and hung up quite sturdily to store hand towels and washcloths on. By pulling on one side near the bottom, one could create a large enough gap to fit a magazine, which could be recovered by pulling the other side away from the wall.

Of course, I won't get into the added convenience of having my stash in the bathroom...

I forgot all about it eventually and years later while visiting my mother, I at the bathroom sink brushing my teeth and she in the doorway talking to me, the cabinet succumbed to time and fell from the wall and broke apart, leaving the magazine stuck to the wall (not because of that, you perv) for a good 30 seconds before it too finally fell.

[saoirse]

When I was 17, I pretty much took care of my own stuff. I mean I did my own laundry, changed my own bedding, dusted, cleaned and vacuumed my room. I did this to give my parents no reason to spend any time in there. Tacked up on my clset door, right behind where my bedroom door opened, was a pullout centerfold from Exposé (Motto: Hides Nothing! An out-and-out lie! There were black dots all over the damned thing. Including one on this particular picture, just over, well, never you mind what it was over). One day I left my sportcoat downstairs. You wouldn't think such a small thing would turn out to be such a huge mistake. Nevertheless...
The rest of the magazine I had were wedged into my Ambassador^® Stamp Album. My copy of Oui with the blonde in the motorcycle outfit was in France. The Playboy with the female surfing champion went in the "Pacific Nations" section. Exposé was in Libya, IIRC, just for balance.

[Little Nemo]

Kids today. We had to make do with a purloined Penthouse that we found in the woods. And digital porn was somethign that was done with your fingers...

Tell me about it. Back in my day, we use to be happy with stealing a Playboy from our older cousin.

[Omniscient]

My porn was ingeniously hidden in a empty shoe box under my bed. This is deceptively simple since I also had about a dozen other shoe boxesfilled with photos, knick-knacks and old shoes. A spin on the too obvious to be true logic.

These days I have my porn ingeniously hidden in a place I like to call my F: Drive. Curiously, if I still lived at home this would be the equivalent of a bank vault to my parents.

[Fern Forest]

If you take out the bottom drawer of your dresser you have a nice space to story the scores of magazines I had acquired.

Also good was inside the couch. You push down on the sides and you can slip them up into the arm or the back.

But my best stash was my dads. Videos and everything. These pornos all had that cheesy 70s music that was like a rip-off of the Carpenter's or what not. Some were pretty catchy. I had to make sure I never, ever sang those though.

[Misnomer]

For the longest time, my best friend and I had a deal: if one of us died while still living with her parents, the other would do her best to purge all of the porn and/or pot from the dead girl's bedroom before her parents found it. She was the only one who knew where all of my stashes and keys and things were, and vice-versa.

[Larry Mudd]

I have a CD wallet full of VCDs and DVDRs labeled as *nix distros and web development software from the last decade.

"Oh yeah, Redhat 4.1 -- that's the one with Japanese girl who inexplicably carries on a cellphone conversation with some grumpy-sounding guy while she takes on two nerds. That's a good one."

Steganographic pornographic fantastic.

[panache45]

I removed the baseboard from the back of my closet, removed the lower couple inches of the wall, and created a hiding place nobody would ever find.

Not even one summer, when I was at Boy Scout camp and my father decided to paint my bedroom. He just nailed the baseboard in place and painted over it.

[Omniscient]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

For the longest time, my best friend and I had a deal: if one of us died while still living with her parents, the other would do her best to purge all of the porn and/or pot from the dead girl's bedroom before her parents found it. She was the only one who knew where all of my stashes and keys and things were, and vice-versa.

Ah, the Porn Buddy System. Adam Carolla would be so proud, that it's between girls is all the more exciting!

[Susie Derkins]

I didn't bother acquiring a collection until I was out on my own, and a drawer and my computer hold it all.

My high school boyfriend, however, had a HUGE collection of magazines that he simply kept in his old wooden toybox with comforters stacked on top. His mother discovered it and they were all thrown out.

[Sublight]

Videos (recorded from late-night Cinemax) were on a tape labelled "Mystery Science Theater 3000". Not so boring for anyone to wonder why it appeared to have been viewed so often, but something my parents had absolutely no interest in watching. It also helped that MST3K was on late at night, so I always had an answer if they noticed that the VCR timer had been on (I was also the only one who knew how to program the VCR). I had two magazines (Penthouse), that I kept in a dresser in the middle of a pile of MAD and Popular Science magazines.

Computer stuff may as well have been dropped to the bottom of the ocean.

[Gatopescado]

Didn't have to "stash" National Geographic!

(Okay, really it was in an old log I made a "fort" out of.)

[BluePitbull]

Well, I buy a Maxim, now and then.

[jellyblue]

I used to swipe my dad's out of his sock drawer and hide it under my bed. But this is the good part: he'd sneak in and steal it back!! Nothing was ever said by anyone, just back and forth. How sick is that?!

BTW: I'm a girl.

My dad had some truly disturbing hardcore stuff mixed in there, too ::shudder:: I tried not to think about what his "thing" might be. <-- blue love doll *snicker*

[TheLoadedDog]

In the early 90s, I worked at Rushcutters Bay in Sydney. This is a five minute stroll from Kings Cross, the red light district, and also the place where we'd get off the train to come to work. I had a friend (really - it wasn't me!) who was a total porn freak, and used to buy magazines on the way to work, rip them out of the paper bag and read them in the staff toilets, and then roll them up and stick them in his hip pocket. The top half of the mag would be sticking out, but he'd wear a jacket, and you couldn't see it - until... one day he forgot the magazine was in his pocket and he bent over to pick something up. Of course, his jacket rode up, and the magazine sprang out, so that when he straightened up again, it was on the outside of the jacket.

"Aaaah, Vince! Dude...."

"What?"

"Everybody can see your porno."

"What? No they can't... OH FUCK! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!"

[Little Nemo]

I had a friend (really - it wasn't me!) who was a total porn freak, and used to buy magazines on the way to work, rip them out of the paper bag and read them in the staff toilets, and then roll them up and stick them in his hip pocket.

"Dude, where's your porn stash?"
"It's in my pants...heh heh heh"

[DfrntBreign]

Originally Posted by saoirse

When I was 17, I pretty much took care of my own stuff.

Isn't that kinda what porn is for?

A friend gave me a book a long time ago called "A Child's Garden Of Grass". It contained an entire chapter on hiding your stash. The one I'll always remember:

7. Throwing your stash up in the air.
Works very well for a short time.

[Agent Foxtrot]

I give my condolences to the mods who have to read this thread.

Adam

[jjimm]

I kept my pot and cigarettes inside a metal globe of the world at the bottom of a closet. I dropped it one day and the two halves detached, and I realised this was the ideal hiding place.

I kept my porn in my brother's closet without his knowledge, because I was a bastard.

[Omniscient]

Originally Posted by jjimm

I kept my porn in my brother's closet without his knowledge, because I was a bastard.

Thats great!

[DirkGntly]

I took the backs off of my speakers, applied velcro for easy access, and kept my porn mags in there. Naturally, because of the magnets in the speakers, I couldn't keep video tapes in there, but I velcro'd the case boxes to the outside back of my dresser drawers. This way, when the drawer was pulled out far enough for clothes, the cases were still hidden, and would only be discovered if the drawers were removed completely from the dresser. As far as the speakers go, I really went the extra mile on them: I was terrified of getting caught, so I ground off the threads from the screws and then glued the screw heads back over the screw holes. Made it look like the backs were still screwed on instead of velcro'd.

[Stonebow]

We keep a stash right now (porn, toys, etc.) To keep our kids out of it, we have it all stashed in a large cube chest with a lock on it. The chest is kept in the living room and used as an end table. It makes for some interesting 'across the room' looks when we're entertaining.

As fr when I was younger....well, I went to boarding school, and one shelf in the dorm's communal library had nothing but porn. Amazingly, there was very little theft of materials- everyone just borrowed and returned them. Anyone taking them when they left (we all had our favorite volumes) added another to the collection. Three cheers for the honor system!

[CalMeacham]

One lounge on the dorm floor I lived in as an undregrad had a large cardboard box on the floor into which went all the random Playboys and Penthouses. It was called "The Smut Box", and it was viewed as a communal resource. Until they needed cash for a party one day, and they auctioned it off.


Yeah, I lived on a coed floor. I think there were some Playgirls in it, too.

[silenus]

When I was a youth, most of the porn got stashed in piles of other magazines. Until I got married, my cousin had the passwords and locations of the computer files so he could clean them out before the computer got sold. Now, of course, the wife has those passwords. What's fun is that she occasionally....adds to the files. Did I marry a winner or what?

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Omniscient

Ah, the Porn Buddy System. Adam Carolla would be so proud, that it's between girls is all the more exciting!

Thanks!

I'm no longer friends with that girl, and now that I'm a grownup and living on my own I alternate between caring what people find in my house after I die and not really giving a shit (mostly it's the latter). I can imagine working out a similar buddy system with my current best friend, though it wouldn't be as exciting because he's a guy.

Originally Posted by DfrntBreign

A friend gave me a book a long time ago called "A Child's Garden Of Grass".

HOLY SHIT! My friends and I used to have cassette tapes of that! I'd completely forgotten about it!

[Troy McClure SF]

Originally Posted by Miller

Ha, you want to feel really old? I say more or less the same thing to people younger than me. "Dedicated porn websites with streaming video? Kids today. We had to make do with swapping low-resolution gifs over all-text BBS that we connected to with our 24.4 dial-up modems! And we liked it!"

Damn right we did!

Aside from that, most of my early porn was leaflets handed out on the streets of Vegas. I have (had?) one Playboy, which featured the cousin of someone I was interested in. It came in handy when I moved and had no cable, DVD, VCR, or Internet. I used to hide it from my parents, but after a while I stopped caring, and it has since disappeared. Grr. My copy of Spiderbabe is still around, and resides in plain sight with the rest of my DVDs. Everything else is on an external HD thats stays home (I have an iBook, and my parents are computer illiterate).

[Daithi Lacha]

I had stacks and stacks of comics in my bedroom; tucked in here and there were things that were NOT produced by Marvel and DC ...

And when I sold comics out of my locker in high school? Yeah, I was selling porn to the underclassmen, too. No-one ever finked me out, either!

[tdn]

Huh. I never even saw hardcore porn until I was in college. I was home for the summer, and found a Puritan magazine. Why I was looking under my sister's mattress, I don't recall.

But I do remember that one day I found it was gone. And my sister had been out of state the entire time.

[Dragwyr]

My dad's stash was just 2 Playboy's from the late 70's. Somehow my brother had found them in the bottom of our parent's hope chest. I was 13 at the time and remember sneaking peeks when I would get home from school before mom and dad got home.

I didn't have my own stash until I was 19, and even then I hid it in a manilla folder that I kept in a really huge photo album I had. I had several different stashes that I would hold onto for awhile, then throw away.

When I moved into an apartment during college, didn't have a stash, until I started using my roommates PC-XT clone to start calling the local BBS board around town. Those I kept in my own 5.25" flopy disc case. Each disc I had was labeled "X" followed by a number.

Nowadays, all I have to say about any supposed "Stash" that I may or may not have is: DVD-RW + Truecrypt

[norinew]

Originally Posted by Agnostic Pagan

SDMB moms? Any input? Have you ever found your sons/husbands stash? What did you do?

Well, my hubby and I share a stash, so that's no biggie (more on that in a minute). As for my kids (all girls), well, my youngest is too young to even read, my 14-year-old would never admit to anything as common as sexual urges (a strong puritanistic streak, that one, and I don't know where she got it from), but my oldest came to me once when she was about 16, and asked if she could "borrow" some. So I made her a gift of a couple old Forum mags that we were tired of. About ours, well, we have to keep it put away where the 14-year-old won't find it, because it disturbs her. She came across our Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty trilogy on the top shelf of our closet, and approached me like she'd found a crack pipe in my room or something! But I explained it to her like this: "You like hanging with (her best friend), don't you?" Her: "Yes" Me: "Okay, imagine that you could never hang with anyone else for the rest of your life. Now imagine that someone told you that the only thing you guys could do together is hang out at Claire's in the mall; that's how marriage is. When your father and I got married, we promised that we'd never hang out, sexually speaking, with anyone else. Books like this help to keep us from feeling like we never do anything but go to Claire's" Her: "Oh" But it still bothers her, so out of respect, we pretty much keep it put away. But she knows where it's at, and as long as it's out of her line of vision, she's cool.

One time, when I was "out of commission" for health reasons for about two months, mr.new accidentally left a book in the bathroom, with a rather disturbing illustration on the front. I'm just glad it was the teenager that found it (although she "scolded" him for it) and not the little one!

[lorene]

Originally Posted by norinew

But I explained it to her like this: "You like hanging with (her best friend), don't you?" Her: "Yes" Me: "Okay, imagine that you could never hang with anyone else for the rest of your life. Now imagine that someone told you that the only thing you guys could do together is hang out at Claire's in the mall; that's how marriage is. When your father and I got married, we promised that we'd never hang out, sexually speaking, with anyone else. Books like this help to keep us from feeling like we never do anything but go to Claire's" Her: "Oh" But it still bothers her, so out of respect, we pretty much keep it put away. But she knows where it's at, and as long as it's out of her line of vision, she's cool.

I will never look at Claire's the same way again.
Accessories, my ass.

[Larry Mudd]

Originally Posted by Miller

Ha, you want to feel really old? I say more or less the same thing to people younger than me. "Dedicated porn websites with streaming video? Kids today. We had to make do with swapping low-resolution gifs over all-text BBS that we connected to with our 24.4 dial-up modems! And we liked it!"

I guess that puts me in between you and boringdad. I remember pre-gif "digitized" porn, downloaded from 300 baud BBS's and printed out. Centerfolds from Playboy converted to ASCII, mainly. If you took 'em to the library and reduced them with a photocopier, they didn't look bad. If you squinted.

I just remembered a stash place from when I was an adolescent-- I had a sturdy old bed that was the bottom half of a bunk-bed set, from back when my brother and I shared the same room. Because the bed-knobs didn't extend down into the posts like the pegs from the top bunk's legs did, I had two ready-made stash places at the foot of my bed. Natural spot for ciggies, condoms, and weed.

[norinew]

Originally Posted by lorene

I will never look at Claire's the same way again.
Accessories, my ass.

Hah! You really think we'd pay the "adult" shop price for anal beads?

[corkboard]

I was pretty stupid about it when I was in high school- I just kept it loose under my bed. My friend's dad had an enormous porn collection, and we would regularly raid it for new stuff, and return the stuff we had taken earlier. I must have had about 50 mags under my bed at any given time. One day I came home from school and my mom said "did you think I was never going to vacuum under your bed?" Actually, yes. Who vacuums under a bed?

Next day after school I drove to my friend's house and returned them all. Well, I guess I kept one or two good ones.

[DirkGntly]

Originally Posted by norinew

Hah! You really think we'd pay the "adult" shop price for anal beads?

Anal Beads??? Why, norinew, I'm shocked, shocked I say! Well I never...

...well, okay, maybe I'd have guessed something like that about you...

...maybe...

...but I'll never tell!

[Kyyrewyyoae]

Back in the mid-90's, there was no alternative to AOL in my area. We even had to pay long distance to connect. After a few ridiculously high phone bills, my parents changed the password to keep me offline. I forget what the app is called, but Windows had a little program to record macros and keystrokes. I fired it up and called Dad into the room, claiming a desire to check email. He typed out the password, checked email, and logged off. I replayed the keystrokes into a txt file and enjoyed some nudity. It all came crashing down when the next phone bill arrived, but he never figured out how I got the password.