Moms, when did you fall in love with your child/ren?

In My Humble Opinion
1

sigh

This is a really tough question for me to ask, but here goes nothin.’

As the title implies, I am looking for your personal experiences as a mom. I’m really struggling with this right now, as my son is less than two weeks old and Mother’s Day is just around the corner. To be perfectly honest, so far it feels like I’m babysitting someone else’s child. There’s no emotional connection there yet, and I’m just kind of freaked out by that. I’m 26, and he is my first child.

I guess more than anything I’m just worried about what the future holds. I’ve been on anti-depressants for a long time, and I stayed on them during my pregnancy, because I don’t think I would have been able to function without them. So far, I don’t feel the “baby blues” - it’s not like I’m continually in depressed mood, but I do have my “bad days.” (In fact, life has gotten a lot better for us in the past few weeks, since my husband started working.) I have a lot of issues surrounding my own childhood and having a depressed mother that I’m really really worried about “screwing up” my kids. I feel like maybe that what’s keeping me from getting attached to him, but that’s really counter-intuitive. I know that not everybody falls in love with their new children immediately, but I swear it just feels like I’m going through the motions of taking care of him physically. Yes, his facial expressions are cute, and he’s warm and snuggly in my arms, but any baby would be like that, you know? Thankfully, so far he’s a very laid-back low maintenance kind of guy, because I don’t think I could handle a very fussy baby.

I guess I just keep waiting for a “magical moment” to happen when all of a sudden I realize that I love this little guy. God, that’s so hard to say. I feel like a failure as a parent already, and he’s not even two weeks old!!! I know he doesn’t really know the difference, but I’m afraid that this lack of emotion towards him will continue and I’ll end up being a shitty mom. My husband keeps saying it’s because I haven’t had any time away from him and that’s how he knows that his attachment is growing – he looks forward to coming home and seeing Spencer at the end of the day. Well, good for him, but I don’t really have that option. I’m breastfeeding, and I don’t even have a breast pump to use if I wanted to. Besides I don’t want him to develop nipple confusion at such an early age.

Crap this is really long and rambling and nonsensical. I guess my basic question still stands: Moms, when did you fall in love with your kids?

2

I’m a dad but I thought I would jump in anyway.

lil Greenback: About 30 minutes after he was born. He was so strong already (the midwife said she had never seen a newborn raise their head so soon) and had thick hands. He was lying on mom’s tummy and he raised his head and looked around. My wife gave the name but switched the agreed middle name to my own. She never had to explain. He was his old man…just much better.
Princess Greenback: I dreaded having a daughter. I read a quote somewhere that phrased my feelings on the matter perfectly: “A son can’t come home pregnant.” Anyway, it must have been a few months down the road but as to an exact point in time, I can’t say. Now she’s “daddy’s little girl” (her quote, not mine chest pumps out (my chest you sickos)).

Baby G: Within an hour of birth, which was a surprise. I didn’t want a third child. We had the birth at home but when he was supposed to pop out, he got his shoulder jammed, took a breath a went back. The midwives got him out fast and I stood there by my wife as he didn’t breath normally for nearly two hours. After an hour, the emergency was downgraded and, even though he wasn’t breathing great, it was getting better. I got to hold him for the first time. I took him on to our deck. Standing there in the fresh air I realized how much the past hour had shaken me. I was out there for 10 minutes telling him how great the fresh air is and that he’ll get much more of it.
Give it time though. First kid and nursing is going to make you overwhelmed for a while. Just relax. There is no switch that automatically makes you love your child. Something will happen or you will just wake up one morning and wonder how you ever felt fulfilled before your little man came along.

3

I’m a dad, but I’m answering anyway.

My son was born 9 weeks prematurely. He was in the hospital for two months. We didn’t even get to touch him for several days, or hold him for 6 weeks. During the first couple weeks he was on a ventilator, and it was beyond strange. I didn’t feel like a dad, I didn’t feel like this was my kid. However, at some point during those two months I made a definite connection. I had several rounds of tears for various reasons/setbacks in his care, tears that wouldn’t have happened had he really not been my kid. I’d feel sad for someone else in this situation, but I wouldn’t have cried.

I held my daughter about 10 minutes after the pulled her from my wife (c-section). That one took pretty quickly. :wink:

I’m a bit more emotional perhaps than the average person, but someone folks are just different. They handle their emotions in a different way. if you have serious doubts, discussing this with a professional would be a good start.

4

Avarie, I think you may be trying too hard…

I’m not a Mom, but there must be something really wrong with me, because while my brain knows that my nephew is not the cutest little (ok, not so little) baby in the whole wide world, the rest of me needs a whole blanket for the drool. I mean, he looks a lot like his Dad did (and that bro wasn’t particularly cute), except where he managed to inherit my SIL’s worst baby-features - but can someone please pass the box of Kleenex, I’m drooling again!

On the other hand, lessee:
Bro number 1 was kind of a “failure”. I’d thought little bros were someONEs, but this sure wasn’t anyONE! It was an IT, not a HE, for the longest time.
With bro number 2 I knew what to expect, but still. This one once told me that due to our age difference and the fact that I’d been in many ways their primary caretaker until I left for college (Mom was too busy with school meetings and church meetings to actually do stuff like help with homework or listen to us), he hadn’t really felt “connected” to me until he was about 16 and discovered that my old vinyls were Mega Cool (many of those songs were old enough to be used in movie soundtracks cheap-ish).

Bro number 2 and me are now real good friends. We know each other and understand each other and accept each other and our differences. But it took about 16 years after his birth before we even could have anything resembling a conversation. He’s not “connected” with the nephew or with any of the kids his friends have had in the last year; he can tell you each kid’s stage of development, each kid’s “cute” and “not cute” points, what each set of parents is worried about… but as he says “guess I won’t really see them as people till they can talk, like 6 or 7”.

Stop worrying. You can’t do a worse job than my Mom and we’re all right :slight_smile:

(yeah yeah, don’t think about white elephants, yeah yeah… hugs)

5

When I saw the outline of my son’s foot on my belly. And when I would take a warm bath in the jacuzzi tub, feeling him rotate so his back would be against the jets. That was freaky cool.
When my daughter was in the birth canal and all I could see was her head in the mirror. That, my friends, is a fantastic mental kodak moment.

And pretty much every day they test the bonds of Mommy Love by wagging their butts at me, burping and talking about boogers.

It is hard to beleive that these farting machines smelled so good and were so adorable when they were wee.

Avmarie, it will get better. You are exhausted physically and your brain won’t shut off from the new responsibilities. Take it one thing at a time and enjoy this time with the baby.

6

Chalk this up in the “you had to have been there” category :slight_smile:

My wife mentioned the foot thing too.

7

The first few months of my older son’s life, I frequently felt that this was such a cute baby, I was really going to miss him when his parents came to take him home :eek: Blame sleep deprivation, worry, and good old-fashioned exhaustion.

He’s 12 now, and I don’t think it hurt him one bit. I mean, yeah, he’s a bit eccentric, but look at his parents - the kid was doomed. :wink:

Please take it easy on yourself. As long as you don’t feel blue, and don’t have any thoughts that really frighten you, just relax. Sometimes bonding takes time. It doesn’t mean anything. Just wait, feed your baby, change his diapers, hold him, talk to him - it will all come in its own good time. In not too long you’ll look back on this thread and be surprised to remember you ever felt like that.

(If you are having thoughts that frighten you, call your doctor, like NOW. But it doesn’t sound like you are. Just that it’s not turning out to be a made-for-TV moment, and that’s absolutely okay.)

8

Oh, yeah, I just really didn’t care so much for my son when he was a newborn. He didn’t do anything I wanted him to do, was a boy when I had convinced myself he was a girl (I opted not to find out the sex beforehand, obviously) and wasn’t all that handsome. And, turns out, I do hate me some babies, I really do. And I was overwhelmed and sick during his first months. It wasn’t a happy scene. I started similar threads to yours on other boards. And, I’ll have to admit, I never “fell in love” with him. I don’t love him as much as my husband does even now, over seven years later. But I’ve grown to love him over time and it may be that way for you too. Or you may have an epiphany and fall in love right …NOW!

9

I have three children - and the speed at which I felt “in love” with them varied directly with the birth experience.

Before I go on – I must say that even before Mommy “in love” love I had some fierce maternal instinct love. I would have given up my life to spare theirs from the second they hit earth.

Baby 3 was the best birth experience and I felt bonded immediately.

I was under general anesthesia when Baby 1 was born and she did feel like a stranger when I was first given her (and didn’t really care when she was back in the nursery). The bond thing took place within a few days after I got home.

Baby 2’s birth was a horrible experience. Nurses giving me conflicting advise, then the doctor coming in and telling me to listen to the nurses and do what they told me to do. Ending up in a C-section. I didn’t feel much towards her for a long time. Till she smiled and began acting less like a newborn and more like an infant.
So don’t worry, OP, your feelings will come in time. Don’t beat yourself up about it - as long as you’re tending to the baby’s needs you’ll both turn out OK.

10

Oh, and the word “bonded” in Long Time First Time 's post reminds me, I can’t say I ever thought, hey, I’m bonded with my kid now. As others have said, just tend to his physical and emotional needs for now. It’ll be fine.

11

I think it happened for me right away. The first time I held her in the hospital.

My daughter is 19 now (years, not months) and it really does just keep getting better. It’s been a joy watching her grow and change. It a wonderful thing to see the kind of person she’s developing into.

I’ve enjoyed each stage of her childhood more than the last and now that she’s an adult I’m enjoying that as well.

But… because I’ve lost two daughters in infancy, there have been times over the years when I’ve felt numb about her. It doesn’t happen so much anymore as it’s been more than 20 years since the death of my last daughter. I find myself wondering if the anti-depressants might not be contributing to your disconnected feeling but I don’t know anything about depression or anti-depressants so that’s just a wild guess.

Good luck Avarie it’ll happen for you. Just be patient and keep taking good care of your precious little one.

12

Ooh, boy. I’ve been there.

I was horridly depressed when my son was born, but I wasn’t being medicated yet. I felt absolutely nothing for him. Complete indifference. Like you, I thought he was cute, and it was nice to hold him while he slept, but I had no more of a connection with him than I would any strange baby. Couple this with the fact that he was badly jaundiced and lethargic for two weeks, and there just wasn’t really much to love, you know? He might as well have been a poopy doll.

There was no magic moment for us. Over time, I grew to love him. By the time his father and I split up when he was 2.5, I knew that I wanted custody because I loved him too much to give him up. As he grew, he became “my buddy”; more like a little brother than I expected my child to feel to me. He’s a great kid, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel like he needs me all that much.

My daughter was another story. She was preemie (born at 23 weeks), and spent 3.5 months in the hospital. Sometimes I felt incredibly close to her, but most of the time she felt like a stranger in a plastic box. I remember having conversations with my husband, worrying that we wouldn’t bond, and then reassuring myself that adoptive parents bond just fine when presented with a four month old baby, and that we’d do the same. I was right. It took a couple of weeks having her home with us, but we all bonded with her just fine. With her, I DO feel like she’s my little snuggle uggums baby girl, and I feel like she needs me and loves me back. I’m crazy in love with this baby in a way I’ve never been with my son.

In fact, I became guilty enough over it that I started this thread , which includes a Doper-famous post by **zev_steinhardt ** worth reading. (It contains my favorite sentence ever written on the Dope: “I have such nachas from him that I practically kvell.” I don’t speak a word of Yiddish, but I know exactly what he means.) It really helped me to feel comfortable with the idea that different loves are OK.

Just remember that hormone changes can send your antidepressants out of whack. Be very aware, and keep talking with your husband about it. He might notice you going wonky, so trust him if he says you need to seek help. And, of course, if you feel like you’re going to hurt yourself or your baby, call yourself an ambulance and get her and you safe right away.

13

I was rather young when HallGirl 1 was born (I was 17) and for awhile there was a disconnect. I was so tired (she was a demanding fussy baby, and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and had virtually no support), having problems nursing (that lack of support and knowledge once again into play) and her father wasn’t a help at all. She had what we later discovered was a lactose intolerance (when she projectile vomited after feeding her formula because I couldn’t seem to manage nursing) and was almost hospitalized for Failure to Thrive. It was a pretty bleak time, and with all the crap that was going on, bonding with a baby just wasn’t happening. To top it off, I became pregnant again when she was 10 months old. Two HallGirls under the age of two, I was pretty stripped out emotionally.

I think bonding happened over time, and truthfully, I don’t think I noticed it until it was already fully into motion. But, it did eventually happen.

14

I used to joke that I didn’t bond with my kids until we shared our first beer together.

With my first baby, I didn’t feel much of a connection for a couple of months. Maybe I was in shock. I’d never been around babies, I didn’t have any help, and I was scared to death.

It wasn’t until he started to react to me that I started to feel loving and protective and connected. That took a couple of months. With the other three, I was prepared, I knew what to expect, and I knew what a joy they were going to be, and the feeling was immediate.

It’s different with everyone. It’ll come.

15

Yes! This is exactly the relationship my son and I have!

It is what it is and what it is is not bad. Okay even.

Here’s a little secret: I had much stronger feelings for my oldest nephew when he was an infant than I ever had for my son. I even think my brown dog is more beautiful.

But, as WhyNot says, there are all different kinds of loving.

16

Oh Hon!!! You are SO normal!!

The only place where that Magical Bonding Moment occurs is at an Anne Geddes photo-shoot. Real women are still recovering from birth, and the angels are NOT sighing.

Infants are little space alien creatures, as far as I’m concerned. They make weird noises and gestures, poop continuously, have ear-piercing screams, and don’t know day from night. What’s to recommend them?

Two weeks of age is the pits, too - they’re awake but they’re not smiling yet, and some of them get colicky and fussy at that point.

Here’s the thing, and the reason you don’t have to worry — children, babies, toddlers - they’re all gifted with the ability to charm us. It’s an instinct they have.

Now, it doesn’t kick in right away, which is why those early months are such a bear. But it’s OK, b/c they don’t need you to feel comfortable with your role as mother at this point. You ARE “going through the motions”, but that’s all your baby needs right now. Just concentrate on that.

Bonding definitely wasn’t a “moment” with my twins, but a process. With its ups and downs, fits and starts. I didn’t feel at all comfortable calling myself a mother until mine were a year old. Wait 'til you’ve been thrown up on a few times, then you’ll be ready for the title.

BTW, I love my children passionately now, I’m a total MamaBear, even in the midst of the “Terrible Twos” (with twins!), but I sure didn’t feel that way early on. I was so lost.

In fact, I can really relate to your OP - I’ve had lifelong issues w/depression and my Mother has a mental illness, so I’ve been really, really worried, too! Reading Vicki Iovine’s books helped me enormously, she describes the post-partum period really well in her Girlfriend’s Guide to the First Year of Motherhood - I highly recommend it!

Also, try Harvey Karp’s book (or the DVD) The Happiest Baby on the Block. He shows you exactly how to soothe a screaming infant. Your son (doesn’t that feel weird, to read about “your son”?) may not be screaming yet, but eventually he will & Dr. Karp’s techniques will help you feel competent quick.

Trying to think…Attachment Parenting and being “crunchy” is all the rage these days, and did some of those things (I loved co-sleeping w/my twins); but most of the purveyors of advice on these parenting techniques tend to throw in a lot of judgements and criticisms. Dr. Sears’ book has wonderful advice, but many women feel defensive for not following his suggestions exactly. Every mother has to find her own way, solutions that work with her family. It takes a lot of time.

17

First, Avarie, before I answer your real question–please ask your doctor (OB or regular) about post-partum depression. That is the main reason for disconnect between Mom and Babe in the first few weeks/months after delivery, and while most moms learn to deal with it and accept the baby, not all moms do, with drastic consequences. Even better, this is a Known Condition, with Specific Treatments. If the problem is identified early, they can fix it before it becomes unfixable.

That said, here is my answer:

For my first child, the connection was virtually immediate. We made eye contact easily, and we both understood within the first few days that we needed each other. Mr Kiminy and I both had good amount of time off work to get to know Little Kiminy #1, and we took full advantage of it. (I took almost six months off, but Mr. Kiminy only had two weeks off.) Even with that extensive time, though, we had problems. Soon after Mr. Kiminy went back to work (evenings, mostly), Little Kiminy decided that she had Colic (with a capital C!). I spent nearly three months dealing with colic every evening before dinner.

For our second child, neither of us was really able to take off more than two weeks, because of the timing of the birth. He turned out to be a much calmer and less attention-seeking baby than our first child was. However, the pay-off was that his attitude was the consequence of several significant disabilities that we were not aware of before he was six months old, and which we have gradually found out about over the last eleven years. We still don’t really have a legitimate emotial connection with him, and he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (specifically Asperger Disorder) a few months ago.

Given my druthers, I would rather have a “normal” demanding child with no disabilities or delays over a child who sleeps through the night at the age of two days.

18

With my first son, the connection was pretty immediate. As soon as I held him, I felt this need to be with him all the time. With my second son (born 7 weeks ago), I’m having a little more trouble “bonding.” I like him. I think he’s cute. But I’m just starting to feel like his mother, and that’s been a gradual warming up.

For me, I think the difference between the two is primarily because of the difference in the post-partum recoveries. Although my first son was an emergency c-section, I had a pretty easy recovery with no issues. This latest recovery has sucked. I had a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarian) thinking it would be an easier recovery. Ha! I had horrible tearing, complications arising from that, and to top it off, I have a nasty pregnancy-induced rash that still isn’t under control (after a billion trips to different doctors and five thousand different medications).

A secondary bonding hindrance is the fact that I now have a 34 month old as well as a baby. I’m torn with feelings of guilt because I’m not paying as much attention to my older boy and because the baby isn’t getting as much attention as my first son did when he was a baby. For a while there, I almost felt like my older son had been taken away from me. People kept offering to take him for the day, etc., in order to “give me a break.” Nice thought, but all I wanted to do was reconnect with him after I’d been in the hospital for over a week.

Yeah, so anyway, what you’re feeling isn’t out of the realm of normal (but add in all the already-stated disclaimers about PPD). Newborns are hard. It will probably get easier as your boy starts interacting with you and you can actually start showing him the world.

19

They handed my daughter to me 4 weeks early. My first words were, I want 5 more just like her. Of course, I was on drugs.

She’s now 8 months old. I want 5 more just like her. :wink: Now, that isn’t my answer every moment between those two times, but it is my answer most of the time.

They pretty much are poop dolls. You are exhausted, you have issues with depression. Your hormones are whacked out in a major kind of way and your hoo-dilly ain’t what it used to be. Give yourself and your kid a break. Your son, even though he can’t do a good job of showing you, knows your smell already. He knows your heartbeat as well as you do. You rocked him to sleep since conception. You were his world for a long time, you still are.

Some moments that brought it home to me:
Having her monitor go off because she had stopped breathing.
Getting her out of the crib and when she sees me she smiles the biggest smile ever.
Her thinking that as long as she is holding Mommy with at least one hand, she can do anything.
Her favorite toy is my face.
Getting her prepaid college certificate in the mail-knowing she won’t have to do what I did.
Her laugh. Oh my god, her laugh. It’s the best sound ever.

In 8 months, there is no sign of malice or meanness at all, maybe it comes later, maybe it doesn’t have to come at all, but she is full of joy, curiosity, determination, frustration and poop. :slight_smile:

Be careful, it may be creeping up on you, they have a way of sneaking into your heart. I hope you can let that happen. The joy and wonder you get in return is priceless.

20

I don’t have a whole lot of experience yet. My little girl is only 6 weeks old now. I still don’t feel like someone’s mommy. I was really worried about the same things as you. I hated being pregnant so much I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to bond with her.

I don’t know that I really loved her at first, but when the nurse brought her to me after we had been moved to the maternity ward, my baby puked up something horrible and stopped breathing. She did it again when the nurse brought her back later that same day. I was scared for her and I felt so powerless. I wanted to make her better, but I knew there was nothing I could do that the nurses and doctors weren’t doing. I don’t know that I loved her then, but I really cared for her wellbeing. I guess that’s close.

The first 2 1/2 weeks were a fog of exhaustion and hurting. It would hurt so much when she nursed and I had to resist the urge to pull her away and throw her down. I wasn’t calling her by name, I’d just talk about “her” or “the baby”.

Yesterday, when we were lying in bed, Cassandra looked up at me, smiled and started squirming around until she was curled up against me. She drifted back to sleep with that smile on her face. I’m totally in love with that little girl. I’m amazed at how much it’s changed in just 6 weeks. I don’t know when it happened, and it’s sure not as easy when she’s crying her head off at 3am, but it’s there.