We all have skills, it’s just how you say it so how would you pad your resume:
“Expert in Digital Sequencing” (I can count on my fingers)
“Certified Surveyor for Video Communications” (I have a Blockbuster card)
“Lead Analyst for Alternative Usage Analytics of Third Party Performance Statistics” (I have a Fantasy Football team)
All Seeing, All Knowing, Master of Time, Space & Dimension (ASAKMOTSD)
“Good Communication Skills”–I was the quarterback for my previous job’s flag football team.
“Excellent Problem-Solving Skills”–I can tilt a vending machine and get my Kit-Kat when it gets stuck.
“Used to Working Under Pressure and Getting the Job Done”–I can beat Gran Turismo 4.
Acquitted in all major legal proceedings against me.
But wait…what about all MINOR legal proceedings against you? Huh? Huh? 
from my actual resume:
“Records Storage Coordinator” = I was the guy who drove to get files from the self-storage locker.
“Experienced in appreciating problems from multiple perspectives” (I can make my eyes go all double vision-like. S’cool.)
“Expert in acquiring information from many sources very quickly” (Easily distracted.)
“Very resourceful” (I watched an episode of MacGyver last night.)
“Work well with others” (Work well on others.)
“Good sense of humor” (I’ll laugh at anything.)
From my resume:
“I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”
What?
**Hostage Negotiator and Crisis Management Expert: ** I work with children.
**Toxic Waste Disposal Supervisor: ** diaper duty
Stain Removal Expert: see the first entry.
Linguistics Expert in foriegn languages I speak pokemon, digimon, gamecube, toddler-ese, and a smattering of German.
The translations seem more impressive to me.
Extensive familiarity with the operation and use of the ABI 3100 DNA Sequencer - well, I used one once. Well, OK, I watched it being used, but I got the basic idea.
Accepted responsibilities beyond his rank while in the Service~~ Signed the surrender papers without asking anybody.
“Proficient Information and Fact Finder” - 15minute and Google and I can find just about anything, if I want to that is…
Highly proficient in physical skill of balancing torso on natural terminator = sitting on my ass.
Extremely computer proficient–Spends hours on the SDMB
Worldwide published author–Makes many posts on the SDMB
Well versed in a variety of subjects–Reads many posts on the SDMB
Consultant on a variety of subjects–Responds to threads looking for advice on the SDMB
Handles conflict well–Posts in the Pit on the SDMB
Allocated human resources for a Fortune 500 company- I was a manager at Burger King in charge of scheduling.
High Pressure Gas Management and Transfer Expert – can fill scuba tanks.
Dynamic Acoustical Reflectivity Measurement Facilitator – makes a decent sonar target.
Over 24 years of software development experience spanning 12 platforms and 15 languages - I got a Commodore 64 when I was 9 and started typing in programs from magazines. I kind of bounced around from a few kinds of DOS and Windows. I had a Mac for a while. Apple IIE’s were cool. Every job I had was trying to teach some new system or other before I got laid off.
Okay, I ACTUALLY put this on my resume, while looking for a new job after working at Wal-Mart:
“Learned stress management under direction of executives.”
Meaning they treated me like shit, and I learned how to deal with it.
The guy who interviewed me liked that so much he hired me. Hence, me working where I do today.
~Tasha
And here I thought that first one just meant that you were well versed in breaking wind, cutting cheese, et al.