Many of you might not be aware of this, but our lovely and talented magdalene has a special gift for resume-writing. In some circles, she’s known as The ResuMaven.
To help her show off her prowess in this area, and to further hone her already razor sharp abilities in this regard, take the most pathetic portions of your life that you are least proud of, or you think would look the worst on a resume, and watch her work her resu-magic.
She’ll spin it till you don’t even recognize it. Keep it real, or make up something funny and out there. She’ll take the lemons of your life and make a sweet, cold, tasty beverage than any employer would happily gulp down.
I’ll start:
Dear magdalene:
My first year-and-a-half after graduating from college, I spent laying on the beach, listening to music, singing in a rock and roll bar band, watching TV, and having sex with my girlfriend. (Not all at once.)
I surf the internet 22 hours a day and drink coffee the other two and sometimes I drink espresso because it makes me look cultured but then I realized that culture only matters to other people and since I don’t see anyone else I don’t have to worry about it anymore which is good because I don’t get out that much and my eyes are bloodshot read and my face is a bleached splotchy color white with really dark rings around my mouth that got there some time within the last four weeks but I haven’t really been keeping track of the last time I made it to a mirror I mean I’m still in the same faded pjs I was in from last Saturday which is ok with me because I’ve learned how to control my olfactory senses but I’m getting off topic you see the point is that I wanted to do something with my life and having lost all human contact whatsoever I’ve stopped trying to make sense in any aspect of my life including my online forums which I use as a substitute for a teddy bear and I love it and hug it and squeeze it and love it forever and ever and ever.
So I was thinking of becoming a psychiatrist. What can I put on my resume?
In between college and my first job, I spent around 7 months being a serial killer. After that, I hung out at the mall watching soap operas nonstop for another 5 months. How should I present this as work experience?
1992-1993 A market researcher and product tester with 18 months experience in the leisure, entertainment, and beverage industry. Tirelessly researched new ways to control and stem unwanted (re)production.
You have seen my life on these boards and know how pathetic it is. My last job was as a porn translator/voice-over/sound effects artist. Please make this sound less bad than it really is.
Dear ResuMaven,
Is there something out there for me that can incorporate my talents as a hockey goalie, air guitarist, massage therapist and lover of Hamburger Helper[sub]TM[/sub] ? I’ve only got twenty-two years of retail experience behind me, with a short stint in the travel industry.
Thanks!
See, if you were looking for a dot.com job, we could package you as “A dedicated internet professional who is not afraid of long hours” who “prefers to work in isolated, research-oriented environments.”
But given this, I’d say we’d just emphasize your “vast experience and close study of mental health issues.” You’d be applying to medical school, anyway - just tell them about the voices and the fear/desire for human contact in the interview.
Dear ResuMaven,
I’ve had many jobs in many different fields, but I haven’t been good at any of them. Some things I am good at: smoking, losing my keys,spending my entire check 48 hours after payday, and loudly criticizing modern society while watching episodes of “Jenny Jones”. How do I make these look like marketable attributes?
Thanks, LifeWillFall - Milo didn’t choose this by accident, I’m actually going to be launching a consulting business where I help people write their resumes. And you ARE impressive, never fear!
I was addicted to Pepsi, so I started drinking coffee instead. Now I’m addicted to coffee and Pepsi, and play computer games for 16 hours a day. At school I have a laptop and download patches for my games. I have 36 games total. I play the trumpet as well, and can play 300 different computer game songs. I can rattle off 7,934 computer game characters off the top of my head, and have 74,923 lines memorized from different cutscenes and humorous parts of computer games. I can draw nearly any computer game character from memory, I know over 80,000 cheat codes for about 200 games, and I have 8 hard drives dedicated to storing computer game data. I buy 12 different gaming magazines, and play each and every demo they give me. I subscribe to another 34 gaming enthusiast e-zines via e-mail. I own 7 different game controllers for my games. Then I spilled my Poffi concoction onto my computer and couldn’t play my games for 36 hours, and during this time I went to my friends house. He had computer games. I stayed there for the entire downtime of my computer, drinking Poffi and playing games.
