Dear Resumaven:
Attorney who has reached his level of incompetence in the public sector, desires job where he can make more money for less work than present position. Requires unlimited unmonitored internet access, a private office with a lock on the door, a window with a view, quality supplies (for my kids to use in school), and permits long lunches for working out or (ahem) consultations with his Resumaven. Added benefit if I can bring my dog to work.
Why don’t we combine the fashion sense you’ve surely absorbed by watching daytime TV,your gift for quickly spending money, and your aptitude for fearless criticism? You might see a loser who can’t hold a job, but I see:
Woodstockbirdybird: Personal Shopper.
You “have your fingers on the pulse of pop culture”, you can “quickly process financial transactions”, and you are able to “critique new trends.”
“A prolific writer with excellent quantative skills and a drive to be the best. Willing to sacrifice personal life in pursuit of professional excellence.”
P.S. Since you brought it up, yeah, that is kind of loserish.
Dinsdale, the ResuMaven has some experience working in the public sector, and can’t imagine a job where you would have less work than you do now. About the dogs - during my brief stint in public relations I represented a law firm that allowed employees to bring dogs to work, at least in their D.C. office. Steptoe & Johnson. They would probably pay you out the nose.
Alternately, ResuMaven is poised to hit the big time soon. Why don’t you apply for a position as her houseboy? The pay is lousy, but I think you’ll like the unique benefits package. And I can always steal you school supplies from my string of dead-end temp jobs.
I have to admit you do this well. I might be getting back to you on a professional basis when my wife decides to update her resume and needs to explain away nearly three decades of unrelated jobs. Perhaps you will be able to relate them. Like many people who are good at slinging bullshit, she has trouble doing it for herself.
However, you may have noticed that your description of me is obsolete, due, in part, to some well-placed snotty comments by you. I am out of the intervention business and have been “concentrating on my core competencies” of crankiness, complaining about Canada, and alliteration.
Born in a barn. No, really, a barn. Dad was a manual laborer (carpenter) and Mom…well, thats a little hard to explain.
Can wither fig trees, excorcise demons, forgive the undeserving. In a pinch, can raise dead or turn water to wine. Can walk on water, can’t swim (holes in feet…long story). Require no health insurance.
Easy interface with prostitutes, Pharisees, lepers, lawyers and centurions. Tend to speak in parables, very fond of children. Only need temp work, going to inherit Father’s business. Rather religious. OK, very religious, but very tolerant. A real “people person”. Big time.
DRY, I realized that I forgot the most obvious thing of all.
You “write web content.”
Glad you’ve seen the error of your ways.
elucidator, I’m embarrassed to say that we HAVE met. Remember, that party at the governor’s mansion, where the town slut washed your feet, anointed them with scented oils, and dried them with my hair? Um, yeah, that was me. I’d had a few too many.
As for your resume, your career options are really unlimited. Meteorologist? Public Relations expert? Talk show host? Road manager for the rock band Phish? Create special effects for Hollywood?
Now that Koresh is out of the picture, and Reno is stepping down, it might be safe to launch yourself as an obscure cult leader.
I am almost 16, have good use of the internet, know a little martial arts, and have a cat. I am good at making people feel like idjits. Work your magic!
