Things you'd never put on your resumé/CV

Or, tell me about your (almost) completely useless talents. For example, many years ago I had the good fortune of meeting a young woman who was able to, at will, roll a quarter down her nose where it would bounce off a table and into a shotglass. Or, for another example, my sister can, at will, ejaculate a little stream of water from under her tongue. I do this, unintentionally, from time to time, but she has mastered it. I don’t know why.

So what embarassing or ridiculous thing can you do, or have you done, that you’d most likely never mention to a future employer?

I have a lot of experience with plumbing from when I used to work for my Dad’s sprinkler company. It’s not as if this really helps me at all in the advertising business, which I’ve been in for 10 years. I used to tell prospective employers about my plumbing experience just for giggles, but I’ve stopped mentioning it because once people found out about it, all of a sudden I’d become the go-to guy when the toilets got plugged up in the office. I’d also get calls at night from co-workers who wondered whether I’d mind coming over with my toolbox because a water line broke in their house and they couldn’t get a plumber to come over on an emergency call.

Well, I can waste hours and hours on end reading threads here at the SDMB. Until something shiny catches my eye.

Pretty sure a would be employer wouldn’t… LOOK! a quarter!

I can get any non-cooperative office machine to work again. Fax machines, printers, vacuum cleaners, air-conditioner compressers … mine, mine, mine. Copiers are a particular talent. I speak Ricoh’s language. I can coax out any jam, replace any toner. The boys stand around helplessly. They say things like, “Pretty good, for a girl.” … I then swear the onlookers to secrecy, for fear that I’ll be issued a Nextel so every floor can broadcast its troubles to FixItGirl.

ubI spubeak rubealluby flubuubent ubbububie dubbububie.

I can do this, too. We call it “gleeking.”

I can’t think of any other stupid things I can do. I once douched a calf, and thankfully I’m not looking for work in a field related to that particular talent.

-I’m an expert marksman…I’d NEVER share that with an employer.

-I can sharpen my knife to such a keen edge that I can shave with it.

-I own throwing knives… and can use them with accuracy.

I’m very strong and, although I’d never list that as an attribute on my resume’, it’s something that’s hard to hide.

Department of Erroneous Doubletakes:

The thread title is: “Things you’d never put on your resumé/CV.” My immediate reaction was, “Is this really the 105th thread on this topic?”


I’ve memorized pi to 1000 places and the entire periodic table of elements.
I’m also very, very strong.
Umm… I’m a geek.
I can read for several hours on end.

I can flip the bird with the toes on my left foot. I’m sure my boss would be so excited to know that.

I can’t flip the bird with my toes (man, that’s GOOD) but I can give the “thumbs up” with them.

I can also hang a spoon from my nose.

Both skills, of course, I use daily here in my cubicle. :dubious:

I can turn on a lightswitch with my shoulderblade.

I can open doors with my feet.

Me three!

Because of a college work-study job, I’m very good at figuring out problems with any non-computer A/V equipment; the same job gave me skills as a movie projectionist. I also have a fair chunk of the dewey decimal system memorized (basically, the parts that have books that got checked out a lot). None of these skills are useful in my current job as a project manager.

Man, I got nothing. Unless you count my ability to have 4 separate IM conversations simultaneously. I’ve had as many as 6 going at once, but that’s a bit too much multitasking for my brain.

I probably coulda done better when I was younger, if such a medium existed.

I’ve got great quads.

I too am an accomplished gleekist, although it aims about 30 degrees to the left of center.

I don’t tell prospective employers of my 5,000 piece comic book collection, although I don’t keep it a secret once I get the job.

When I had a retainer I could play tunes on it (Wm. Tell Overture was a favorite). That was a long time ago.


I can stick a pencil really far into my nose.

I have really strong fists, and have been known to punch solid walls as hard as I can to impress people.

I have a fairly high pain tolerance, so I often let people punch me in the stomach.

I don’t list the date of my college degree, just the school and the major.

I don’t state that I take shorthand, even though I’m a whiz at it.

I don’t list all of my job experience, just the last 10 years or so.

Yes, I’m pushing fifty, why do you ask?

I never mention the 2.5 hour shift I worked at Sonic.