What NOT to include on a résumé

Inspired by this thread.

What should you NOT include on your résumé / CV? (Unless explicitly requested)

I’ll start - and set the tone:

Stool sample.

Interests: Reading, socialising, music, movies, spending time with my family. Yawn.

“I have 49,379 posts on the Straight Dope Message Board.”

Sexual proclivities.

Serious note? Political affiliations (unless relevant). Countries traveled to ( 1 week in SPain does not make you an expert on Latin America; and yes that is an actual thing I have seen on a CV). Much personal detail, full stop.

“I make a mean Italian Cream Cake”

Yes ma’am, this info was specifically requested at my first professional interview. I lied and got the job. (hate to cook)

-Length and girth (or cup size, for ladies).
-A picture of the tree stump in your yard that if you squint right, looks sort of like Lyndon Johnson.
-A listing of what the voices say to you, broken down by frequency and level of violence.
-A referral from Adult Friend Finder.
-10-year-old Worlds Best Nephew certificate from now-deceased aunt.
-A range card showing the main entrance of the employers building from the parking lot.

I want to work here because I know I won’t be tempted to ever use your products for free.

Especially since you only have like a fourth or fifth of that.

Mangetout, on the other hand…

A comprehensive list of strange foods you’ve eaten. Unless you’re applying for a job as Andrew Zimmern’s assistant.

A complete listing of all the serial killer DVDs you own and an excel spreadsheet with macros of where thier victim’s bodies were discovered.

A bloody handprint.

-Your stand on Kirk Vs Picard.
-Your dietary requirements and feeding schedule.
-A bit of your unfinished novel.
-The word, “Duuuude!”
-The scent of pot.
-A lipstick kiss mark.

Listing “I can fart in three octaves” as a skill.

Kind of on point: We got a resume for a programmer position where the applicant listed that he was the state Rubik’s cube champion for 1994 (or whatever year it was). Up to that point, his resume was alright but not enough to make it stand out among the other dozens that I’d received. Now, technically, this is personal info that doesn’t really belong on a resume, but it was “geeky” and piqued my curiosity enough to call him in for an interview.

“My coworkers in past jobs tend to die under mysterious circumstances. I’m hoping your company helps me break the curse”

-Your favorite brand of potato chip.
-What you were doing on the night of April 17th 2001.
-That you secretly love the smell of your own farts, and sometimes, even others’.
-That you can type 182 wpm when on cocaine.
-Fuck the NFL! That shit is for woosies, what happened to the good old days when guys weren’t afraid to get hurt?
-Enjoy being spat on during intercourse

“42 arrests…no convictions!”

You’re going to make him solve one before you begin the interview, aren’t you? Preferably an impossible to solve one?

This actually happened, I was interviewing for a job (which I did get) the hiring manager said he received several resumes that contained the job description cut & pasted word for word in the applicant’s skill set.

Sooo… don’t cut & paste the job description!

This is probably my personal favorite so far.