That’s awesome.
“It says here that he can occasionally lift, carry, push or pull objects up to 25 pounds and has ordinary speaking and hearing capabilities.”
“It does? My God, he’s perfect!”
A signed certificate from my local STD clinic, saying it’s finally ok for me to have sex again.
Funniest thread I’ve ever read on Straight Dope.
-Pictures of the employers house, his parents house, his kids elementary school…
(If I can drop in on a thread I apparently inspired 
) I have two, which were on real resumes.
My wife was vetting resumes for a job at her office recently, and she came across one that listed amongst computer/technical skills (you know where you’d usually put things like - Advanced Word, Basic Excel, etc, etc) “** - Proficient with Facebook**”.
One I saw myself for an intern position where I was doing 1st interviews. The young fellow had written the whole resume in third person. It was literally full of statements like “Joey* has this skill, Joey strives for blah blah. Joey has demonstrated blah” (As an interesting aside, these resumes had been pre-screened so we had to interview him, but he turned up 15 mins late for the interview no mention of it, no apology, that was an easy initial cut)
- Name changed to protect the guilty
I once saw a resume submitted to my boss and the contact e-mail address was something like “2sexy4U@hotmail.com”. They didn’t get the job, but the resume was passed around and laughed at.
StG
Under the part where it says “explain any gaps in employment”, it would probably be better to just say “toured South America” instead of “held without bail in Columbia”.
Problem is, at my last job, that’s exactly what you had to do to have the resume software not reject your resume.
The number of times you’ve invoked Rule 34.
How did you get an interview, if you didn’t do that?
As annoying as that is, at least the software doesn’t set interviews with people who do not have the basic requirements, like a degree and experience, unlike some internal recruiter whose name I will not mention.
I bet his mom wrote it for him.
Especially if it’s Death to the Jews! brand
The last half of a potato and ham casserole recipe.
“If this job involves any illegal stuff, that’s never been a problem for me.”
“I am working with a doctor on my flatulence problem and expect to have it reduced to a manageable level in the foreseeable future.”
“Just as a head’s up, I am not willing to have any contact with people of other races.”
“I am currently in a mental dialogue with an extradimensional deity and am developing a new religion. So I may require some holy days off in the future.”
“If my mother calls you and tells you anything about me, don’t believe her.”
Depends on the position you’re applying for. 
Years ago I was going through a stack of resumes of recent graduates and noticed one that had a very distinctive layout that was suprisingly similar to another resume I’d been reading earlier. I dug out the earlier one from the stack and sure enough there were a lot of similarities in times and places of educational background, travel, hobbies and so on between the resumes, one from a male and one a female. I figured they were a couple. The best bit?
The male’s resume was edged in blue, and the female’s was edged in pink.
“Awww, how cute!” I thought as I threw them on the “rejected” pile.
Do you think you ruined someone’s research study on gender discrimination?
Amount of time off for good behavior.
Seriously though, I’ve helped some Thais with their resumes for applications to graduate school in the US – graduate school, mind you – and they always want to include their “famous” high school, which of course no one in the US has ever heard of. Just give your undergrad uni.
Like, missionary?
I’ve seen that as an actual job requirement.